Blahh

8:18 PM
Well, hello.

Oh,

Let’s talk about.

I couldn’t get a car. Yeah.

I’m just gonna have to save up a bunch of money.

What happened?

My credit is very bad, it’s Really.

I didn’t think I would live. This long is a lot of it, especially

The last year or so, yeah.

Practically like almost just gave up. I did

It’s funny because like I have all the stuff documented on social media and Google photos and, you know, my life from the last.

10 years. And, uh, You know, I fell into a really huge just immeasurable fucking void.

Actually.

It it, um,

Consumed. My

Like all of me. Yeah, I did. And after

Things like I got divorced. Okay? And that if that wasn’t bad enough, And I don’t have the backstory on this blog, but

As a person, I was reduced to like nothing. Less than nothing. It was really awful. Um, I tried to

Tried to kill myself a couple of times, it sucks.

It’s just, you know, life.

You think it’s 1 thing, and it turns out to be another and in my case it was so just like

A complete paradigm shift. I don’t know what else to call it. It was like I was. I was like ripped out. Yeah, of of 1 World and then thrown into this void. For real and it I don’t know why it had to be like that for me, but it was Like on the inside. I still had a lot of stuff, especially like looking back on it now. It’s like God. I could have.

Not really done anything differently, but if only I could have realized that Something, you know.

Oh it just got so bad and you know I met my ex fiance and that Like reduced me after it ended even More like in the negatives. And so, You know, I just kind of was like this walking fucking corpse basically.

For about 3 years. Yeah, I mean I was just like

I don’t understand and It started to get a little better. You know, I got uh, this really good job as a QA, A quality assurance technician at a chicken plant and it was I was actually making Pretty decent money. I was working 60 hours a fucking week, but, you know, I was doing pretty good. Pretty well, you know and, uh, All of a sudden like my car fucked up, the engine blew up in my uh it was an SUV. But, I ended up, I was making enough money. My mom rented a car and they cut her a deal because she rented cars fairly often. It’s a long story. But she liked to basically and, uh, so I was paying A little more than I would have paid made like a regular car payment. Or something. The car payment, I had gosh. There’s a lot I can say with no, like, pre-existing backstory here to scroll through and read like, on my other blog.

Okay, um, but I ended up Crazy shit happened and I left that job. I was, you know, Was getting stalled. It was crazy. Yeah. Stalked

Uh I don’t know where to start talking about that. It’s not the first and it certainly was not the last time a lady stalked. The shit out of me and drove me fucking crazy. But it happened and this chick happened to be my fucking supervisor

Yeah. And anyways. What else?

I left that job and I went back to doing house remodeling, which is something I did on and off.

Of. About 6 years. After I got divorced, my last stint. Was uh, from like May until November the end of November of last year. Yeah, I did it until I got this warehouse job and then I did it part-time until things slowed down so much that

Well, everything just got really dumb but um,

I didn’t have a car for a long time. For about a year like I didn’t wait for about a year and a half. Like that was my own car, you know? Uh, but after I left that job, I couldn’t afford to rent the car anymore, which I was paying, I think it was around 600, maybe a little over, 600 dollars a month to rent a car. It wasn’t really that expensive. As far as renting cars go.

Yeah. Um, but anyways, I mean all this shit, though, like the post divorce stuff, but I finally get a really good job in November of uh, 2021. And I was able to get a car in that January of 2022 Like, purchase a brand new car and it was awesome. And then I left uh the really good job for another really good job that I thought was better at the time. It was closer to the kids and it offered more money. It was a car factory. And I worked so hard. Like I had fallen into such a fucking hole. I didn’t think I could ever get out of

And then I got myself out of it and I was like, yay! You know, all I really need to do is just get my shit together. Work on my credit. You know, um and eventually get caught up on things like child support. And some of the stuff that I had gotten, like, Some loans, I had fucked up, and Some shit that like I think there was a credit card. I had a Lowe’s card that I needed to pay off. You know, It was under a thousand. Yeah, dollars none of this stuff was like, you know, that big it was just a few things. You know, I had a little bit of debt, I don’t even think I had a thousand dollars worth of debt really that I couldn’t fix. I could totally have fixed that and What happened? Is, uh, I got another stalker and at first it just, I don’t. It kind of crept up on me. I thought it was, uh,

It didn’t seem like it, was that Serious or that big of a deal at first but it ended up being a very big deal and it drove me so crazy that I had a nervous breakdown and I left that really really good job. Uh, I didn’t want to. I couldn’t think it was so fucked up. And she didn’t stop after that either, Oh my God. Then um, what else?

Yeah, I just kind of, you know, having to deal with my mom’s increasing like erratic Behavior.

I could not handle it. I just was not psychologically equipped, I’m not a mental health, professional, you know?

It’s crazy. But anyways, uh,

I had worked really hard to pull myself out of this big stupid hole and I did. And then it just it’s like I got sucked right back into it.

And um,

About the time I figure. Hey, you know, everything’s getting better. I move. To a new city. I have some really awesome roommates and uh,

You know, I have a job that’s like it’s okay, it’s not the best job ever but it’s certainly not the worst, the warehouse job, right. Well, guess what? They fucking like after the holidays, they cut our hours like so much and then it got worse.

And then, you know, eventually my car got repossessed I had gotten behind on it. Putting my mom up in a motel room. Which was not cheap and it wasn’t easy. And she had gotten us kicked out of the apartment, she lived in for 17 years, you know, I lived there. For 3, I lived in this Farmhouse for 3 years and I lived with my mom for like, right at 3 years. And uh, it just

It was just everything. Got Really, really crazy, even crazier than I could have imagined. It’s like, did I not? Get out of this. Had I not done enough? You know, to get out of like, no, it just

It got fucked all up.

Right back again, just fucked. All the hell right back up. And uh, I don’t know. I thought maybe I could get a car, but

I found out today that I couldn’t. It’s going to take some more effort and I haven’t seen my kids in 2 months because I don’t have a car and they live a couple of hours away. Its

I thought last night, you know, I could totally get a car. No.

And uh I don’t know, I had talked a bunch of shit about it to the kids. I was like yeah, I hope I get a car all this stuff and then I didn’t and they’re like What

You know, it’s

I didn’t get to see them on a regular basis for a year. I didn’t get to keep them like I used to get them every single fucking weekend and during the week a lot of times and do all kinds of fun. Crazy shit.

I was, you know, I’m their dad. And I went like, I had finally.

Oh, I still struggled with a lot of stuff. But things were looking up, you know, at the beginning of 2023, I was like, Hey I’m going to do it this year.

I’d taken out some small loans and was paying them back, trying to build my credit up.

That all got destroyed. I think I still owe which is nothing. It’s still though.

It’s still. Fixable I probably don’t have well, if you don’t count child support. Yeah, I got even further behind on that.

Um, But I probably don’t have, you know, I don’t have 5,000 worth of debt so it’s not completely Unfixable.

I finally got another really great job, and I’m just going to have to save up for about another month.

Get a car. That’s not brand new. It’s okay it’s going to be okay. And then, you know, fix my credit It’s going to be fine.

At least fix my credit enough. To where I can get a new car.

I still can’t believe I lost my car. It’s like, wow. And it all happened.

In the same week. Like my mom died.

And it was really sad how she died. She starved herself to death. Yeah, she did and it was awful.

I was. I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about that. Like, I probably

Anyways, um, and then my car got repossessed like 2 Days Later.

Like not even and but then that Friday I got a call back. For a really awesome job that I had applied for that. I had totally like, didn’t I just forgot about for the most part.

Luckily, like my roommate has came through for me and that’s been Really, really awesome.

Uh, I just I miss my kids.

But it’s all because of some chick. Yeah, it was just like

I don’t understand, you know.

I don’t understand how it was able to drive me so crazy either but it did but like

She, she did. Yeah. Yeah, it was

I’ve been single for 4 years, I’ve been, like I tried so hard to stay away from everything and to keep to myself. And I’m so stupid.

But I hope that like,

Things are going to get better, I just

I guess I just needed to vent.

Yeah.

Because even though it’s going to take a little longer than I thought, To get a car.

At least I have a really great job that I can save money.

And hopefully uh, the guy at the Dealer ship. He was like, hey, I told him what all like I just had a bunch of crazy shit happen to me talking about last year with my mom.

8:35 PM
Fuck, I don’t know how to explain it without just going off on this big crazy rant because it’s all in my other blog.

But uh, yeah. Like,

Just about hated myself to death.

I was planning on killing myself last year. Like driving up to Maine and drowning myself in the ocean. There’s a town. Uh close to the Canadian border where they still speak French like in the town in Maine. It’s called Frenchville you know and I was going to go up there and be like bonjour. You know, to Lemon

Yeah, however, you want to pick that up, but I was just going to like, get shitfaced drunk, stow away on a boat. And fall off in the ocean and drown somewhere. And die, that was it.

And then about the time I had made my mind up about that. My mom starts acting all crazy like more and gets us kicked out of the apartment.

And I didn’t know what to do.

It’s like crap, I had to move all her stuff. She had a small thrift store. You know, worth of stuff books and clothes and

All that, all of it, knickknacks and everything.

I don’t even know if Like what my sister’s done with that. I haven’t talked to my sister in a long time. About a week or so after my mom died.

Maybe maybe a month and a half, but I mean, I just, I don’t know. And uh, that all distracted me like it’s like, well, I gotta fucking do something and my mom can’t like I can be homeless. Actually, I was going to That’s, you know, but I couldn’t just take her immediately to my sister’s because my sister was dealing with a lot of stuff, and I was going to try to do my best. To like take care of my mom and maybe even find somewhere for us to live. I just got that warehouse job and I was getting a lot of hours like

Well, not at first. Yeah. It took about a month before they let me get over time.

And that’s when I got really behind on my car payment because I was like car payment or homeless, you know? And my mom can’t live in my car like I could. Eventually though, I got where I couldn’t handle it, and I was like, well, I have to take my mom to my sister’s, and it was like,

I don’t know. My point is that all that distracted me from killing my fucking self. And then I fucking, you know, things started to look up.

Uh, I got

1 of my friends on Facebook posted that she needed a roommate and I was like, hey I need a place to live, oh my God and so it all kind of fell together, you know, at the end of November And then I wasn’t homeless anymore. I was homeless for a little over a month.

And uh, You know that? It wasn’t horrible, but it sucked. And, um, I don’t know.

I still wasn’t able to catch back up on my car payment, and then they cut our hours and I got further behind, And then bam, there goes my car uh but then uh yeah I get a call back.

For a job. And

I think I’ve repeated myself a couple of times. I’m just saying it’s like

Dang, but I had I had like things looked so hopeless. Last year, when I was working at the chicken plant I got a job as the Nugget meat machine operator and

I mean, I just, I wasn’t making that much money anymore and I was really struggling because they raised the rent Because my mom had flooded the bathroom and caused a lot of water damage and they just upped the rent. They were like okay well

And she did it on purpose. You know, I’m sorry.

Oh, It hurts to even mention that like, but that’s like, I’m like, that’s the kind of stuff I had to deal with. She did something and messed up her food stamp money. And I had to pay for her groceries. I had to like, you know everything. I was just Suffocating under all this stuff.

And,

That’s that was what I was going to do. I was like, well, you know, I didn’t get to see my kids. I’m I’ll never see my kids on a regular basis again, my ex-wife thinks I’m insane. And I was actually like, totally.

Is it was really bad. Yeah.

I’m just spacing out thinking. Thinking about it. It’s

I thought, you know, I had finally pulled myself out of

Yeah. Anyways, I’m just now I’m just I feel like I’m just rambling on and

Repeating myself at this point.

Redundant. Yeah. I’m just like God. I really wanted a car. But it’s going to be okay.

I’m still pretty. Sad about it though.

On the other hand, you know, maybe I’m not being stalked anymore.

I think, uh,

I think that’s great if I’m not, I don’t know.

Am I even gonna post this?

Yeah sure. I’m just

I’m just gonna have to work and save my money.

And get a good night’s sleep.

I have food. My roommate took me by Walmart. And I got a hundred dollars worth of food. I got snacks, I got everything I needed.

What else?

Oh,

We ate Mexican food and that was good. I felt like Maybe. That would make me happier and it did.

I drank a couple of margaritas because I’m not, I wasn’t driving.

Oh my goodness. Yeah, I don’t know. It’s Just, I just want my life to be good again. I miss my kids. I just miss the kids. That’s all

My babies.

They’re the best people ever made.

And I’m their crazy fuck up Dad. But I’m not like, Like, fuck up like a fuck up like mean to them, you know, I’m not a shitty asshole. Dad, I’m just

Retarded.

Thank you, please.