12:07 AM
Oh my goodness. What am I doing?
Outside. It’s kind of chilly, but it’s not cold. Like
You know, it’s 50°.
That’s not too bad.
Fell asleep and woke up.
Gosh, when did I fall asleep? It had to be like 7 or something.
Guess what? I woke up or at least when I looked at the clock. It was right. As I woke up though, it was 11:11 Oh my God. Yeah.
Ha, ha ha, ha, ha ha. I don’t know. It’s like that stuff is, you know, everywhere. Everybody sees it now, but Back in the day, I first started noticing that stuff.
Shit. What 20 years ago? I was like, I’d look at a clock and It’d have a bunch of repeating numbers.
Apparently like, you know, Signals or something from the universe. But what is the universe?
You know where are we? Where am I?
I kind of take a step back from that sometimes, you know, I’ve got all this stuff. It’s I got a life. It’s
A mess. Compared to what? Haha There’s a lot of stuff. I really wish I could fix like,
I guess maybe eventually I’ll get around to fixing but you know, does that, even what does that even mean?
You know, I was born. I came out of another person.
It’s really kind of funny to think about this stuff. It’s like, You know. It took 2 people to make me apparently, like, physically this form, you know, then there’s things like Souls, some people believe in them. Some people don’t. Some people don’t give a shit. Nobody really knows though, right?
Nobody really knows what they’re doing here or anybody. Knows where we come from. This is a planet, I guess it’s round or something.
In space. Which is just this big vast thing. Apparently, you know, there’s Like a star. It’s a system. It’s a solar system. You know, and it’s like this big fiery ball in the middle of it and these little things called planets go around and around.
And this particular 1 there’s, you know, depending over the last I don’t know how many years There were 9 planets. I think there’s 8 now. Haha
Though, I don’t know. I think Pluto is it got Declassified as a planet is that the correct word even what are even words. I mean
But apparently. You know, our planet is the only 1 here on this in this solar system that can sustain carbon based life which is life based on a
An atom of carbon. Yeah, uh it’s like the number it’s 6. The number 6.
You have 6, you know, approved tons,
What, uh,
6 protons and 6. Neutrons and 6 electrons, right?
On and um, I said right on.
But every other, you know, planet in the solar system is just cold and lifeless, except for rocks and gas and shit, right?
Well, guess what? This solar system, the star and everything. There’s like
Uncountable you know billions and trillions of these things swirling around in even bigger things called galaxies, right? And then there’s like billions and trillions of galaxies or something and when I was a kid I was fascinated with all this shit. I was like, wow, all this stuff to know and now like You know when I’ve lived and I’ve gotten older and just stuff you know how it goes when you’re living. It’s like this is so absurd. You know, and they measure distance in light years, you know, which is the time it takes light, which is, you know, you have without it, everything’s dark. And uh, you know, This vast fucking.
And that’s just from like the human perspective and what you know is a human Well, nobody really like knows where exactly humans came from. Some people believe we were created. You know, by like natural evolutionary processes and that’s cool. And then some people think that we were created by a an entity You know, the I mean it had to be created by something too, right?
Well yeah.
The whole thing though, is just so complicated. But like here, I am sitting in A chair outside of a house.
In a Breezeway, you know, I mean, without trying to explain what all this stuff is
My own unique, you know, perspective is just like gosh.
Dinosaurs.
I was thinking about how Much. I used to love dinosaurs. I used to know so much about dinosaurs. I was on the news.
I was like the dinosaur kid. That’s what they called me. And I took um, took all my dinosaurs because I had like every single dinosaur you could find anywhere and I went and I taught this kindergarten class about dinosaurs. But I was in the second grade. And I made the news for that and it was funny.
But,
Man after getting sucked into business with my dad and the way my marriage ended and everything and the last you know 7 years. All the medication, I used to be on that I just suddenly had to stop taking
You know, I’ll get what appears to be my shit together for a second and then everything will blow up in my face and Just reduced to nothing over and over. In this last recent thing that happened in 2023, it’s like
You know, I guess the setting. Yeah, but the event, you know, engine or whatever you want to call it.
Whatever the thing that generates these fucking occurrences.
Cause and effects. But like what the hell does that? Even
It’s like geez you know and really I mean I miss my kids.
I love things. I love people. I love
Myself as much as I can, but I blame myself, but then it’s like, you know, what’s really to blame? I mean
I’m just here and things happen.
And, I don’t know where to start like talking about how I mean I guess this is a story it’s just This is a start. Yeah, it’s like But then,
Yeah, it is a story that I didn’t. It picked it up that way but
I guess if you start looking, you know, in places things can get pretty deep, you know, you focus on like Where did we come from? Well, let’s figure that out.
It’s really easier though, because it Like if you look through like the history of Earth and everything,
Which is, you know, you’re not really going to get the whole story from like
The information I suppose.
That’s readily accessible.
At least it seems that way. I mean, there’s so many gaps
In everything and, and that’s what’s so funny. And then there’s like, you know, something else like I’m talking about, like, Civilization. Yeah, you know, we were like hunter gatherers for this, you know? Vast expanse of Time, and then all of the sudden agriculture happened and civilization sprung up,
And you know that makes sense because if you look at the animal world, it’s just everything eats each other and it’s A nightmare. Yeah, like insects and stuff. It’s like God it’s just eat or be eaten and everything and then it’s crazy shit like funguses. Nightmare level. Yeah. Shit. Like you know, like the quartus fucking Courtice.
Courtice. Really the fucking. I’ll have to edit that in. Cordyceps
Bugs. And You know, we have
Aw my roommate is here.
1 of my roommates is here. He just pulled up. I have to run inside
Get my milk out of the freezer.
I don’t know, I guess I feel like
It’s too late, you know, at night. To just go off on some big animated rant, you know, about
Reality and everything, but it’s like my own personal narrative.
Thought. Matter. And energy.
You know, you have what it is. What it is not. And the exchange, you know, the relationship which is there’s a lot of overlap there but also some clearly defined boundaries. Haha
Like myself. You know, I’m me.
Outside of me is the rest of the world. You know, that’s not me, but it is but I am also made of the world. I just ate a sandwich that came from animals and plants. My body Is going to use it for fuel
And you think about shit like,
Geez, you know, it comes out of Geez, I said, Geez. Oh, just Am I going to have to edit the word cheese in?
No, but there it is. Thank you. And uh, It comes out of an another animal’s bottom and we make it into this.
Soft chunky. Stuff. It can be so delicious, right?
And they also put Peppers in it because I like pepper, jack cheese.
You know, and, uh I had ham and that’s just a damn whole animal’s, you know, body.
Part.
Parts. The the meat Parts is like the muscles. The tissue that makes the thing fucking move around.
Talk about a nightmare, right?
Yeah, fucking If you’ve ever worked in a, Meat processing facility like a chicken plant, which I have several.
Uh, Times.
But nightmare you know, if you’re a human it’s you know your life is like you are top of the food chain kind of shit at least on this planet. And it’s uh, you just
It used to be a lot more in-your-face. You know, if you wanted to eat animal flesh, you had to kill it yourself, and fix it up. Get all the edible parts off, which most of it is anyways, but the good edible parts. And uh, You know, but
As Society became more complex and
People, lots of lots more people, um, you know, ways to extract.
Food, I guess from animals became
A lot more mechanized you know systematized uh like oh my God, a poultry processing facility. Will take a whole animal, you know, and hang it up on these shackles and it’ll just go through this fucking Hell, ride of a system that dismantles its entire body.
And divides it up into like, you know, like a chicken for example. It’ll go through all this shit. That, uh,
Kills it.
You know.
Pulls its head off because nobody really eats the head at least in this culture and um, American culture. Right. Gosh, where do you start with all this stuff? If you really want to like, It’s just remarkable but at the same time like this whole thing like this world, this reality is actually a very
It’s beautiful too. You know, it’s not all just this big bunch of crazy shit.
Part of it is. I mean.
It’s like what a thing to exist. Yeah. Haha
Um, but I mean, it will just take the whole animal. I used to work maintenance in a chicken plant and I had to install a head puller
Once.
And I mean, that kind of stuff, it just pulls the heads right off. And that’s a whole another story, though. I’m not going to go into that, but like, You know, and then it goes through this thing. It Boils all the feathers off. And you know it plucks it these machines, they have these little fingers and they just, you know, peel the feathers right off. And it goes through these machines. With this little Scoop picky that goes up their butt and pulls their guts out and then it goes through all these
12:26 AM
Uh, other things like sauce. Yeah, and it solves
I’m going to have to edit that in Saws and um, Gosh, talk about word count, right? And it just like it takes off the wings and takes off the legs, the thighs. And the thighs get cut into Different pieces, the Wings, get cut into different pieces and then the
Breast meat. Yeah, it gets, you know, chopped up sometimes, you know, depending on what orders they have, you know, most of that gets put in 1 place and then it gets
Uh, cut into chicken fingers.
Usually that’s done by hand in a cutting Department with all these people. Who have knives and that’s actually like
Those people get paid more because it’s fairly skilled. And they have to do it really fast.
You know, at my last chicken plant job I made about 18 dollars an hour. And the people who cut the chicken breasts into chicken fingers, made like $22 an hour. I know and they got paid by the weight also, so they got like an extra amount. But, oh my God.
That’s just an example of like, you know, they do the same thing with pigs and cows of course, with cows and shit that goes to like butcher shops. And, you know, you know, like departments or whatever it gets, it’s a little more specialized. I have a cousin who’s a butcher actually,
I guess cuz you know chickens are small.
I don’t know. It’s just remarkable. I guess. It’s like
But I mean, nobody ever thinks about this shit unless you’re directly involved with it on a daily basis. It’s like, gosh, I’m hungry. I’m going to eat some soup. But what constitutes, a soup comes from all this crazy stuff Farmers. You know, they plant things and harvest them, vast expanses of farmland. Fields, you know.
Corn and beans, and
So on and so forth.
And that. Creates this like bubble. Type thing for the everybody else gets to live like and everything’s just right there for you. In modern society, you don’t really have to get out. And kill your own food. And Find it, you know, you just go buy it, you work at a job. That gives you this stuff called money.
Some people have a lot more of it than others.
A whole lot whole. Super whole bunch. Actually, some people’s entire lives are dedicated to the acquisition of this thing. And it allows you to, obtain
More things that you can, you know, do stuff with. Like houses and cars and
Oh gosh, then there’s entertainment. Which a lot of people are just that’s all they live for.
I don’t know, I was just, I woke up and I was like
I mean, I’ve made more people too. You know, I have 2 more I have 2 people, I made and with another person. And I never get to see them.
Anywhere close to as much as I want to and I miss them. All the time.
I’ve never gotten used to not being a part of my kids daily lives and it’s
Because I was, So involved in their early development,
And it’s like, This was just ripped away from me because of a bunch of bullshit.
You know, on 1 hand on the other. It’s like, hey stuff like this happens and
Horrible terrible worse things than what happened to me happens you know I mean geez oh my God.
But it sucks enough.
Not everybody, you know, but a lot of people are just
Selfish.
Flippant. Yeah, thanks selfish fucking just
Shallow.
I don’t know, but not everybody is like that. I mean human beings are basically vessels for novelty. Yeah, but uh It’s a lot of variance there.
There’s so many of them.
The levels of awareness. Yeah, self-awareness, you know. Um,
You can never be too self-aware because as your self-awareness and yeah, increases. Um, so does your awareness of everything else?
And then it just gets like, wow.
I don’t know. I could It’s like I feel like it’s too late. Uh, at night to just go on this big crazy rant, haha even more than this because I don’t want to wake anybody up. Hopefully, I haven’t
I don’t think I’m talking that dang loud.
Gosh, I already have to edit this though because if I don’t talk loud, it doesn’t pick things up.
Uh correctly.
It’s funny though because I just thought of a whole bunch of stuff to say,
But that was like you know figuring everything out that was 1 of my things back in the day and now I’m just dealing with it
I’m trying to piece everything back together on a personal level, you know? I mean,
Of course, that’s a reflection of
The big picture too, right?
Yeah.
Sort of.
Not entirely though. It’s like this is my own little Sphere of reality.
Most of the time. I’m all by myself. It’s like I tune everything else out. It’s just me and my head. The only exception to that is when I’m with my kids.
But I do things like, you know, besides my job. That’s just the same thing over and over and over all day long. Which I actually like, Uh, those jobs because that’s where my creativity. Like, I just can space out and Like where I work. Now I’ve already come up with I mentioned that, you know, I think in the last post or the post before,
I’ve come up with some really stupid songs, but
They, they are fun. Yeah, I don’t know. I mostly try to do fun music these days because it makes me happy. But I, I have
Made up a few, excruciatingly painful songs. Last year
I really wish I had a girlfriend. Yeah.
I don’t know what else to say. I’m just like dang. You know what? I wish. I had more than almost anything else right now?
A car.
Yeah.
I don’t know, I was thinking earlier it’s like
It does get old things blowing up in my face and having to start over or having to like Do it all, you know, again, with something with less than what I had, you know before shit,
Happened. But it’s like
1 thing, I miss about Having a car though is, uh,
I can sit out in it and make blog posts and just be as loud and crazy of yelling this shit into my phone and I can’t do that. Here. And
In my room, you know with everybody here.
It’s 12:40 a.m. I’m probably going to fall back asleep after I edit this anyways.
I’ve gotten distracted. You can’t really like,
You know. From reading this stuff, see that? I’m just like, you know, I went from being outside to being like in the kitchen and then I went upstairs into my room and I look away for about 5 minutes and space out thinking about all this crap and something else will pop in my head and
You know, there’s like a lot of pauses. There have been in this particular like You know, post or whatever.
You know what, I really care about though. Like You know, is just Getting my life together in a practical way. I mean that’s that has been so elusive, that and romantic love It’s crazy. It’s like, you know,
My credit is horrible. And uh, I want to fix that. I don’t feel good about it at all. You know, getting my car repossessed And just getting everything messed up, and I couldn’t help any of that. I just, I went so crazy. It was really sad. And um, oh, I hated myself. I have for so long about it. Every time. That’s the thing, like the divorce.
Oh, I just hated myself almost to death and then because I had put so much into that marriage, everything I am. And then, um, I mean and Beyond, I grew, you know, And then I met my ex fiance and I fucked up College. I was in college, I was going to get my degree in electrical engineering and French. I have brains or I did You know and uh,
Oh gosh, like today on the way, back from taking my roommate to, to the rental car place, we passed by the campus. You know, where I? I was And I just, It makes me tear up damn every time, I go past the college campus up here in Huntsville at UAH
It just it does. It affects me?
Because it’s like,
I had a really, really good opportunity.
And that’s what happened with my ex fiance. Like I was only supposed to stay the weekend and she turns gets into my phone and turns my alarms off. So I overslept and missed my return flight. And we drive back across the country. That’s a long story. I know it’s all over my old blog. I haven’t talked about it in this 1 yet. But I mean stuff like this happens to me. It’s like, why did she fucking do that?
You know. That was like,
A mean crazy thing to do.
And then, you know, I finally pulled myself out of that hole and
Some chick just, you know, finds my social media. And figures out where I live from my Instagram posts and drives me so crazy. I have a nervous breakdown.
I mean and she just and and in every case x-wife ex fiance and the Twin Flame chick. It’s like My life. Yeah, it gets ruined. And uh, They just get to go on, you know, all the better for it. It’s crazy
It doesn’t, you know, it hasn’t made me feel great about myself. It’s like why the fucking hell.
I really, you know, and maybe now finally though, I am.
In a place where I can at least make another like start. Maybe everything will be okay this time.
Yeah. And it is because I have been single for 4 years. It’s really hard for me to not just be like, man. Because, There are, there’s
Oh gosh, I’m not even going to talk about the yeah. I’m just saying like
I really do wish I had somebody but like at the same time, you know, I need to get my life together
And uh, you know Get a car, get back to being my kid’s dad on a regular basis. I mean, I am, I text with them all the time, but
Well, I’m going to rent a car. I get paid next week, and I’m going to rent a fucking car and go get my kids and do something super fucking fun.
Yep. That’s what. Today gave me that idea.
Gosh, what a long-winded post. I wonder how many words this is going to have in it.
Yeah, I’m just like spacing out.
I had to eat a sandwich though. Because, oh, gosh, you know, and it’s just like
Fires up my brain for a whole another rant. It’s like,
I’m gonna have to just stop right here, and
Edit this. Yeah, yeah.
Thank you, please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 