1:48 AM
Hello.
Just woke up.
Feeling kind of blah.
Sometimes I do really wonder. Why the hell I’m here?
It’s really hard right now. Not having a car. And not getting to see the kids.
That’s all I cared about, it’s all I care about, you know,
I guess, I never really got over. I still haven’t gotten over. Probably never will. Having a family and then losing all that.
You know, realizing That I practically with the exception of the kids and the dogs wasted 18 years of my life with somebody. Who didn’t really love me. She just wanted kids out of me.
I don’t know what the hell. She thought she was doing.
I go back and I’ll look at, like, all my Facebook stuff because I made everything.
Uh,
Public again, what a month or so ago. And I got my blog, you know, I just
Blabber, a bunch of crap into
But, I don’t know, it’s just crazy. It’s like, sometimes it doesn’t feel like any of that ever happened, but I guess it did.
Realizing my dad was just a fucking like, at 1 time. He was my Biggest hero in the whole universe, you know, And then, I get into business with him and I realize he’s actually just a big fucking asshole, baby. And so is my uncle. And I I used to think those were the 2 most awesome guys who ever lived. You know, when I was a kid and a teenager and stuff
And the reason I can say that my ex-wife never really loved me. It’s because of the way she treated me. And then after everything ended, she literally told me that. It made perfect sense, but like how could I have been that fucking stupid? It’s a huge reason I felt like worthless garbage for so long and why I have a hard time really trusting anything.
I mean I’m not just going to go off about her because she’s my kid’s mom, but
She sure is doing like, You know, better than she’s ever been. She’s doing great, which I am happy for her in a lot of ways, there is So much I could say but I’m still struggling with everything. Mostly with a sense of purpose, and
An increasing lack of enthusiasm for For everything and it’s not just depression. That’s what’s so funny. It’s like a lot of my problems. In my head and all are circumstantial.
It’s like I just don’t get to do stuff, you know.
Dealing with my mom that was another thing. Like talk about realization about stuff it’s like
My mom did a lot to help me and it was very sad the way she died.
But she was a really Disturbed crazy person.
And, It’s like I didn’t have a normal parents.
Yes, a lot of people do. A lot of people are normal, you know, it’s like oh what is normal? Well.
It’s ah.
It’s normal. Haha Most people are.
Sometimes things become normal. As in, you know, it’s a common
Shared experience. And I don’t Have that. How isolated and everything I’m just I can be in. Or around like a bunch of people. And, you know,
I’m not there. Physically I am but that’s it
It’s funny but it’s I get really lonely. I just I can’t relate to anybody anymore.
I was there sometimes and
No, I said sometimes I’ll just hang around and listen to people talk. I do that a lot actually, especially lately. I’ll go out and smoke at lunch. There’s this huge smoking area.
In between where I work at and the cafeteria. And it’s just like God, the stuff people talk about.
I feel like, A complete alien
And even as cool as like, my roommates are, I can’t relate to them either. The only people I can relate to are my kids. But they don’t have that problem. They have, you know, my daughter is an extrovert, she’s an ENFP. And she has like a lot of friends and so does my son, he’s a really popular kid too, and that’s awesome.
But I’m just like, Out here in space or something. All by myself.
A lot of that too, is because
Things just get fucked up for me over and over and over and it’s like, well, You know, maybe it’s getting better but there’s a part of me that’s like, don’t get your, you know, don’t get too excited. Yeah, about it.
I really do. Wish I had a car. But mostly, because of the kids.
I’m going to rent 1 next weekend and go get them for something for some kind of Adventure. But, you know, it makes me feel like shit because I’m not
An active part of their daily lives. And I haven’t been
Since the divorce, you know, I was the 1 who
Did a lot. You know, my ex-wife did stuff too Haha now she does especially but I’m the 1 who put them to sleep every night.
- You know I used to take them out on the weekends and let her sleep in for some reason. She thought she did everything but she really
Didn’t.
She was just manipulative and selfish.
A lot of people are like that, that’s like,
Human beings. You know, just despite all the technological advances and You know, modern things and all this shit.
Well, most people take all that crap for granted. They’re just they live for you know. Sensual fulfillment.
You know, gratification of impulses and shit. They’re just like, if it feels good, you know, they like to be comfortable, they like
Indulge in. Food and sex, and drugs and alcohol.
Caffeine, which I like caffeine myself, you know?
A lot of people are on medication and they blame everything but themselves for their problems.
I totally blame myself.
Yeah, that’s A big reason why I’ve had 2 suicide attempts. It’s like I totally get that. I’m retarded.
But not in ways that like you might think, you know,
I guess, just
Human life, you know?
The world and all that shit, the way it is right now. The way I am right now is it’s just not that interesting to me anymore. Social media and
All that crap. It’s like
Of course, A lot of it got zapped a couple of years ago at the second car factory.
With this chick who’s still just she’s
She still pecks on my blog, she rarely reads any articles and she won’t message me. I don’t know what the fuck and Anytime I would try and message her, she would be mean. Like crazy mean, and
I hate to not talk about this stuff. But I almost, I kind of hate also to talk about this stuff in this new blog, but then it’s like, you know,
Because she pecked on it, um, yesterday or something, I noticed. She always leaves like things.
So that I know it’s her. Yeah but it’s like you know, wow, why do I still
Why does this still matter to her? You know, you ruined my life. Thanks. It just, you know, Made everything suck, even worse.
And I did almost just completely gave up again last year. I didn’t see the point. It’s like, well, you know,
If I’m going to,
All the effort. Yeah, that it took for me to pull myself out of the hole. I fell into after meeting my ex fiance, you know, it’s like
Wow, this gets to happen again because of something that doesn’t even 100%. Make sense to me here.
But I don’t know. I just kind of woke up. I had a crazy dream. I was mashing things out of people’s heads. That was full of spiders. It wasn’t a nightmare or anything. It was stupid. And uh, I walked to this Burger King, I worked at fucking Burger King but it was like a Burger King slash Taco Bell. You know how they have the KFC Taco Bells? It was like that but it was a Burger King Taco Bell. And we would trade uh, food with the Pizza Hut across the street. That was my dream for real. Haha
But my dreams though, in my dreams, I care about life and I’m happy and I have a life. I meet people. Um, I talk to them and I make friends in my dreams.
And then in waking reality, you know, I’m all Closed off and withdrawn.
Introverted, and socially retarded.
What the hell am I doing here? You know, The like, the handful of things I really cared about, you know, I don’t get to do
I really wish I had a Girlfriend. But then it’s like,
And I know there are people out there, but they’re so, like everybody who I can relate to like, Because they are they are out there um, scattered all across the world like my polyglot friends. And uh,
People, you know who have much similar tastes in music.
Which I know exists because the music I like exists. I know there are other people who like the same kind of crap but I haven’t met anybody. Like,
Anywhere around, where I live, who like the same kind of music that I do. That’s an example and the stuff I like isn’t that weird? You know, a lot of it is Francophone music and Russian music.
Russophone music. Yeah, thanks. Yeah. I mean I guess it’s a lot of its Russian too. I like a lot of stuff from different You know, cultures and different languages.
I don’t know, I guess it is weird. And crazy music though, because not everybody listens to it.
You know, but a lot of people do, they’re just not anywhere around that. I’m aware of
And usually, you know, at a job, like, I have like, a factory job. The people, there aren’t that
They don’t care that much about the same things that I do.
In things. They just, you know, they don’t.
But they do say a lot of funny stuff.
Yeah, like some of my co-workers uh,
That I have
Are really funny.
Yep.
But I do I feel really Isolated and alone.
And sometimes it all just hits me and it just it just hit me. Yeah, like when I woke up,
And, you know, it does, it’s
Yeah, there there is totally something wrong with me.
But it’s not all me either. It’s just, it sucks, you know.
And then sometimes I feel like, you know, it’s
I think I’ve done all I can here. That’s how I feel a lot of the time and I’m just
How do I put it? Waiting it out, I guess until the end. It’s like well
I don’t know.
I sure do miss my kids.
That’s the only thing really. Keeping me going right now.
Yeah.
But I did have fun after work, like I guess it’s yesterday now.
Um,
I got some. Stuff from the Gas station. I got 2 hot dogs. And I got, A white cheddar cheese. Curls. Yeah, that was good and oh 2 Long Island Iced Teas. And I played Never winter nights. Yeah for about 3 hours, running around with
2 of um, I guess uh, they’re my friends now because those are who I usually hang out with in that game. Uh, looking for some kind of dragon cave that when we finally found it, uh,
Me and this chick couldn’t go in because we weren’t high enough levels. Ironically I’m like 500 experience points, actually. I think 400 now you know, from level 12. Which was the minimum level.
To go into that cave. I don’t know why they put stuff like that, but they also put experience caps and Shit. It’s like just let us go in there and get killed, you know, God.
2:09 AM
Let us find out the hard way. Hahaha I don’t know.
So, I mean, you know, it’s just in my immediate like physical reality.
I’m pretty much all alone, you know?
It’s crazy.
I wonder how long it’s going to take me to get a car.
Or a vehicle. I thought about getting a van and just living in it. You know, shit. Yeah.
Because where I work, they have like showers and stuff and it’s, you know, it’s got two Shifts. So I could just stay in the parking lot and live there during the week.
And then go like, You know. Stay somewhere else somewhere fun. Do something on the weekends, you know, go see the kids. Hang around there and then drive back up for work.
You know, I think about the stuff because But then, at the same time, this is a really cool house. And,
It’s the nicest place. I’ve literally lived. Since the divorce
I like having high speed internet, you know, Wi-Fi.
And I like, um, being able to cook things on a stove.
And this. Huge comfy bed.
I really enjoy that.
Well, I’ve got to make it through like today at work and
I can fuck off for like 2 and a half days because I don’t I go into night shift next week.
So I get to, uh,
Sleep in Monday. Yeah. And I love night shift.
What else can I say? I just felt like making a post.
I wish I could get drunk and pass out again. Haha
Thank you, please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 