WEDNESDAY

3:38 AM
Hello.

Oh, let’s make a post with. This phone.

Haha. Yay, it picked that up.

I don’t know. I don’t really have a lot to say, I’m just trying to keep up my post Streak

Yeah.

I got an Uber.

Coming in about an hour to take me to work.

My roommate who takes me back and forth to work her car needed brakes or something. So

But the good news is I probably have a car, it needs some work, but It’ll get me back and forth until I can save up and probably buy something. Um,

Else, I don’t know.

Or not really? Yeah. It’s

Actually seems like a pretty cool car.

The chick, uh, You know, I’m getting it from was just like, oh, it’s junked out, it’s pretty trashed, you know, but It actually seems pretty cool.

It has character. Yeah, that’s my point.

I told my daughter, it’s her car when she turns 16 but I don’t know. I’m probably it’s going to need like a wheel thing. I can’t remember what they called it.

Probably some other stuff. That I can fix this summer.

And maybe everything will be fine and I can go back to like, Getting my kids every other weekend or at least seeing them.

I miss my kids.

All the time.

I’ve been up since like 12:30 though. Which is just kind of a, a symptom of transitioning from Night Shift. To day shift.

Yeah, it’s okay. I’m just

I’m going to be kind of tired. But then, you know, that’s what

Caffeine is for right? Yeah.

I still got about 5 hours of sleep. Oh, it came a bunch of tornado stuff. Uh, yesterday last night I guess gosh.

I haven’t heard much about it though, or read anything like news. Stuff.

I hope nobody died.

Yeah, that would suck.

Alabama is known for its crazy tornadoes.

But heck anyways I don’t know I’m just like I’m awake. I’m probably going to get a shower here in a minute and

Wait on my Uber. Yeah, it’s like 50 bucks from here to uh, where I work?

Yeah 1 way.

Yep. At least I don’t have to stop, you know, at the store or anything. And then, my roommate can pick me up this afternoon.

Oh and I get paid. Yeah, it’s going to be nice.

Kind of wish I would have.

Saved up a little more money though, but whatever.

Oh, yawn. Of course, you know, I make a post and now I’m getting sleepy. I was wide awake.

Oh my brain.

I was watching reels earlier on Facebook and

I don’t know.

I guess I was thinking about my car and cars and

How my dad wouldn’t help me get a car like a few months ago, which he could have totally done. He’s just an asshole.

It’s like, you know, I’ve been really nice to my dad and the last few years.

Despite Yeah, the way he fucking has treated me my whole life, especially like

Post divorce. It’s crazy that I can, you know, divide my life is like you know,

That was my life before and then after that’s just, I mean that’s just how fucking crazy. It’s crazy. My life is so crazy has been anyways. And uh,

I don’t know that I’m going to be nice to my dad. Next time I see him, I’ve been really, really nice. The last time I saw him, I hugged him and I was like, I love you Dad. You Know, You’re great and all this shit.

But all he ever did was treat me, like I was a fucking idiot. Fuck up. My whole life and it’s like, you know, I’m not

I’m really not. He’s the only person who’s ever treated me that way.

Which is really messed up.

I’ll never treat my kids like that. I mean, I couldn’t you know,

Uh, I’ll use the word unfathomable haha.

But yeah, it is like wow. How could anybody treat their kid?

Any their kids. Yeah. Any of like Like shit like my dad does, you know? And then, I mean my mom bless her heart, you know, but like the way she treated my sister it was weird and

And I know that their parents were really messed up.

I guess they did the best they could, but still it’s like,

How fucking retarded? I’m just thinking without going off on a big crazy rant about it.

Thinking, and I just Became really angry. Like, Like, rage level angry which is doesn’t happen with me very often. I get annoyed most of the time, you know? Worst Case scenario, I get annoyed with shit. But I don’t hardly ever get angry or like,

Rage level fucking you know, that doesn’t happen. Very often. When’s the last time I even?

Years and years. Yeah.

And stuff that’s happened to me that that anybody else or, you know, typically I guess would be like

You know.

Angry about

I just like, I’m just like, okay, hey whatever I’m annoyed but you know there’s Worse, things that could happen. Then when I think about my dad, I get really, really angry when I really start to think about it, and then it’s like it turns into this feedback loop.

It’s like who the hell?

You know, did he does he think he fucking is Treating me like shit. And then it’s like, you know,

Part of me, wants to just put him in his fucking place, like the next time I see him like, hey, there’s my asshole, dad. And then there’s part of me that’s like, you know, he’s 73. Almost 74.

He’s done a lot of stuff. He’s a shitty dad, but like

He’s he was a shitty dad to me. He was actually a shitty dad in my sister too. Just the simple fact that he married my stepmom, my ex stepmom twice.

And she went out of her way to be a piece of shit to my sister, especially because she was jealous and competitive because human beings operate. Like,

God, I need a cigarette now thinking about it. It’s like what the hell is wrong with people?

Without just going off on a big huge rant about my dad, though.

Hello. Uh yeah, I remember when like the last couple of years. We were married my ex-wife and I tried to go to counseling and I think it was really more. Just so my ex-wife can say she tried She had made her mind up. A long time before that that you know really she just wanted kids out of me.

I don’t really know what. Was going through her head. The whole 18 years we were together, but, um,

Especially like the, the first couple of like therapy sessions especially, yeah, I just Unloaded about my dad.

Because he was the most possessive controlling. Fucking asshole. Like he never left me alone. You know, you would think And I think I mentioned this in another post when I got married and moved to Birmingham you know like that wasn’t far away enough. It it was it’s weird actually to think about it like that.

You know, he always like pushed me around and shit but then when I got older, you know, an adult,

And he couldn’t do that anymore. Because I mean, you know,

Uh, he could manipulate me with guilt and it was weird. Like he consciously, you know, did that For his own, gain. Like I was just a tool at his disposal.

I guess that’s the military in him, but it’s like You know.

Your parental. Um,

Oh, what’s the word?

Function. Functions. I don’t know uh transcends your military career. I mean, I get it, you know. But it’s like

I just can’t imagine. Doing that to my kids. And it was totally none of that was in my best interest. It was in his, you know, and then like, I did, I saved his business and then I trained my step cousin which nobody else could have done. And it’s only because I have this insane like,

Amount of like, patience and understanding.

And I have like, oh my god, I’ve had people just get in my face and just Treat me all. All fucked up Ways and I’m just like, okay well, You know and I get annoyed like I don’t get you know angry or throw it back at them or anything. A lot of the times I’m like okay well you know are you done?

Uh, But when it comes to my dad, it’s like

You know, if he would have helped me get a car, it would have been different. But he was such a

Douche about it too, so it’s like and I know I’m like this is a blog post. I’m going to post this

That’s just how I’m feeling right now.

I don’t know.

That’s the only reason why I couldn’t go back to sleep, too. Oh my fucking god.

But in the grand scheme of things, you know, like

It’s probably for the best.

Because, you know, and it is it’s fucked up. In my dad’s mind, you’re either his subordinate or his competition. What’s that? There Will Be Blood. That movie? Where the guy and he’s like, you know, Talking about how there’s a competition and, you know, a lot of dudes are like that. My dad’s 1 of them.

And to me, it’s just like

That’s just not a healthy way I guess to look at the world and people and you know interact with it. It’s like

I guess selfish but it’s beyond that. I don’t know.

It’s stupid.

Oh, my point to the yeah, I was like

I guess too, though, like my dad has done a lot of Stuff and can do things that other people can’t and it’s like, you know, he’s almost 74.

You know just leave him alone and let him live next time you see him just be nice. Just be um Civil, you know, don’t be like

You fucking piece of shit asshole. Dad? Yeah like what would that really accomplish?

Well, it would it would make me feel better Haha but I just I don’t think that would be the best thing to do either. I think

I just need to get past that. Yeah.

I’ve got more important things to worry about, like, my responsibilities as a dad myself. Which, you know, shit.

The measure of a parent. Is really up to the kids. You know, your kids get to decide. What kind of parent you are?

Oh yeah, totally. And if your kids think you’re a stupid sack of shit that says a lot.

And if they think you’re awesome, that says a lot too

I don’t know, being a human this whole fucking reality experience thing. You know it’s just like Wow, there’s so much to it.

It’s not that complicated but it is, it becomes, you know.

The Dynamics. Exchange with other humans. It’s just crazy

The possibility Universe, I guess. But, You know, most people are

Good.

You know, most people want the same thing, fundamentally, you know, and if you treat people With respect. And the way you would like to be treated, typically, everything tends to work out, you know.

Nobody’s perfect, though.

Including me as especially Jesus God, I fucked up so much shit.

3:57 AM
My life is such a mess, but at the same time, you know, I’m trying to fix it.

How I’ve been trying to fix it for the last. 7 years. Like I said like the my life can be divided into essentially 2 phases is just like

You know.

My life.

The normal life I had and then the post divorce life, which I’m

You know, will I even ever get married again, I don’t really care.

I’ve been like all like, oh I wish I had a girlfriend and all that shit but then, you know, Do I really?

Relationships. Like that though. You know, they they evolve and grow and that’s kind of where You know, that’s the end result.

You know, you start off, you’re just like dating and then you get serious and more serious, you become engaged. And then You know, marriage.

Which is a wonderful beautiful thing, if both people are willing to make it work and can see the bigger picture.

But that doesn’t, you know, always happen.

I don’t know. It’s

I wouldn’t mind being married again, but certainly not divorced. You know, I know people who’ve been married 3 and 4 times and it’s like you’re still alive? Haha. Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. Everybody looks at it differently. That’s just my I guess opinion.

I don’t know. I need to get a shower and get ready. I’ve got 1 hour to do it.

Thank you, please.