MONDAY NIGHT

10:21 PM
Well. I made it through today with no caffeine. Haha.

It didn’t hit me until later though, that uh, 2 years ago.

Today.

Oh, I had a nervous breakdown and left the Second car factory. Yeah.

That was a crazy. Like,

Last couple of months, I think I worked there. Yeah, it was fucking crazy as hell for me.

It’s also my mom’s birthday. She would have been 74.

I thought my mom would at least live to be 90 or something. For real. I guess that’s 1 Thing. Also, I’ve been thinking a lot about lately because

I just have been thinking about everything. It’s like shit, I’ll be 45. In September. And, um,

God, it just Zips by. It does, but it doesn’t, you know, But it does, it really does.

Life was this huge crazy adventure for me when I was in my 20s and 30s. And it stopped.

Stopped being that way. After the I met my ex-fiancée. Then it got better but Really after I had the nervous breakdown. And I guess it’s like it’s getting better, now it’s picking back up, but I’ve made such a mess out of my life. Because I didn’t think I would live this long, especially the last couple of years.

It’s really sad. I was thinking about that today. I was doing my chores. A little earlier. Not like, I guess it’s tonight. Yeah.

I was sweeping up everything. And that’s really all I got to do is sweep and mop like

4 runes.

Uh, runes. Runes. Yeah, 4 FS.

4 runes the upstairs.

Am I really? Do I really say it that stupid?

Room. Thanks 4 of them.

I guess if you count the stairs amd the upstairs as a room, I guess. You can’t. You can count them.

But uh, gosh, it’s just like I just feel like I have such a Long way to go now further than it ever was. You know, I got this really good job and all and I have a car. And it makes me happy. I’ll be really happy here. I’ll be a lot more happy. Yeah, happier. Yeah, next week, haha, when I get paid, because I’m broke.

I just ate.

Um, a can of soup, I have 2 more cans of soup. Then I have

I have a dozen eggs and I have a bunch of ramen. And that’s going to be what I eat. Well, I’ll probably eat ramen tomorrow night for supper. Kind of mix it up.

And no caffeine. Yeah, I didn’t really do a lot of caffeine last week either, but today, like was none. And tomorrow will be the same.

When your body is used to pounding caffeine. Like I do and then all of a sudden it’s like, no, no caffeine. It kind of makes my body sad and my brain hurt.

But yeah, like my last, I don’t know, the last post I made this morning because she’s been all in my brains and then it it didn’t hit me till later. It’s like, oh yeah, that was 2 years ago.

Um I haven’t really seen her in like 2 years, but she was all in my brains this morning. I woke up about 1:30.

And it just just it just started. Haha I just started thinking about her. It’s so crazy like the whole twin flame thing. But at the same time,

It’s like what the fuck? You know, what am I supposed to even do about this shit? And what the hell was she even doing? What is she doing? You know,

I haven’t looked at her stuff  In about 3 months. Pretty much right at 3 months. Yeah. And I don’t have any. Plans to look at her stuff ever again, you know, unless she messages me or Contacts me somehow besides pecking on my blog. I don’t know what else to do. It’s just like, hey, here’s a post here. You are. Her name’s Brittany.

Yep.

But it posted it twice for some dang reason. Did she come back and look at it? You know. It may be

But,

It’s ridiculous. And I was thinking about my kids when I hung out with my kids over the weekend. Saturday, yeah, um, my daughter was talking about, you know, having kids and stuff.

And,

It’s like you so you think I’ll be a Granddad and 10 years? And she’s like maybe you know, probably 15.

Oh,

I said, haha.

Yeah.

Seriously though like the kids are the only reason I don’t feel like I’ve completely wasted this life because every other way I have I feel like I was just

I was just wasted it. I’m just a waste of a fucking lots of stuff. Yeah, for like my own personal shit. God, What a waste?

Yeah.

That’s 1 reason why I tried to blow my brains out. And, uh, that’s been, you know, 8 years ago. And then, uh, another reason why I tried to I was well, I was going to drown myself in the ocean last year. Until my mom did a bunch of crazy shit and got us kicked out of the apartment. It’s like well

I care about my mom, you know?

And that distracted, me and then everything got better. And then everything got stupid. And I just

I guess I appreciate the good things but I just it’s so exhausting because it’s over and over and over and over, and over and over.

And, You know, I’ve lived I’ve done a lot of stuff.

I still do some times, but it’s just like, My enthusiasm isn’t there? Like it used to be?

Yeah.

Gosh I am so tired.

I said,

I can’t really yell this phone’s picking everything up. So stupid right now.

But I mean things could be a lot worse, but if they were, I’d rather be dead.

That’s how it’s been. That’s how it’s been for a long time. It’s like, you know, just

But I have gotten.

I don’t know, a lot of good things like lately. Like the last few months, you know, I got this job and a car like I said earlier,

It’s just

I don’t know.

It’s still hard for me to wrap my brain around and everything that Happened in 2023. And it’s just like,

Not getting to see my kids on a regular basis. For over a year

Well, I still don’t see them on a regular basis. Yeah. And then I think about my ex wife and how in the hell her and I were even together for 18 years. That’s, that’s probably 1 of the hardest things to also wrap my brain around.

But I wouldn’t trade any of that for, you know, anything. Because the kids are way way better than I am.

As much better than I am. Uh, better than my parents.

And then I think about my crazy parents, but they had even crazier parents. But then it’s like, you know what? Even is this? Planet, full of these things with arms and hands and shit.

Like kill each other. They kill each other over stupid crap and they use each other and fuck each other over.

And you know fuck each other a lot all the time. Every day.

I eat.

They eat. I do too, I guess. God, it’s just picking up everything so stupid. And, um,

You know, if you eat, you have to doodoo later. Everything here does

And but like, all the animals, I know, that’s the thing, like there’s all these animals, all these other little things, but Human beings are better. Supposedly, or at least they’re more like

Complicated.

And they talk and they write books and they make blog posts, and they do music. And they invent weapons to kill each other with. And take land and make stuff and take stuff.

And make other people, that’s probably 1 of the craziest things is you take 1 person. And another person and make a new person, sometimes more than 1, Often, yeah. Like

It’s just so fucking crazy to think about.

You know, my great.

Grandmother on my dad’s side of the family, my grandmother’s mom. Had 15 kids that lived.

15 other people came out of her body and actually 18, 3 of them died. Yeah, 15 that lived to like adulthood 15 kids 15 other people. Their family were farmers who raised mules.

Out in Asbury, Alabama. Which is was really just right up the road from where I grew up. I went to Asbury, Junior, High School.

It’s kind of in between gutters wool and Guntersville. Yeah, and Geraldine. I’m just going to leave that there. That’s how stupid it’s picking everything up.

Am I mumbling or talking retarded? Yeah, probably.

But yeah, I was just thinking I’m like, you know, oh yeah it’s uh

2 years ago today. I fucking

Left. I just I couldn’t, I couldn’t think I just left work. I told my boss or supervisor or whatever. I was like I got to go and she was like, what? Yeah, it was like right after lunch and I just left. I sat out in my car or laid out in my car rather for about 3 hours shaking. Like a fucking crazy person and drove home and

Fucking just laid there. And I had already made my mom a birthday card.

And I left that place and

Felt really, really sad about it.

And sometimes I still miss it a lot. I miss working there. I miss the

Gym. And the free drinks.

But I don’t think. Brittany realized.

I don’t think she realized what she was doing to me. I mean, maybe she did, I mean, she put nails in my tires.

I talked, I talked about this a lot in my other blog. I took all the posts down though but it’s like, you know,

What the hell?

That’s, I don’t know but a lot of the way she acted reminded me of my last girlfriend which is why, you know Friday I was like what the fuck Stephanie.

And she always does that. She’ll always be like, oh, hey, I’m just seeing how you were. I hope you’re, you know, all this and then it just goes into this turns, into this big crazy thing. And then we don’t talk for months or A year or more. I just I’m just I got sick of the whole Exchange. But she did, she actually just like, I mean, rubbing people in my face to make me jealous.

And I don’t understand, you know, if she hadn’t dumped me would probably still be together.

Probably would have gotten married. But she wasn’t the 1.

You know, she’s She’s just not.

There’s too much to talk about though.

To explain all that, but like, I just

I’ve had enough crazy shit. Like I’ve been through enough women have put me through enough, crazy. Hell!

Yeah, exclamation mark, thank you. It’s exactly yeah but For like, gosh a month. After I had that nervous breakdown, I would wake up in the middle of the night just shaking like a fucking crazy person.

And uh, I would drive And just start shaking, I would get so fucking nervous and sick in the pit of my stomach. Oh my God just like going to Walmart and I would have to just I would have to just pull over or I would have to pull into somewhere and just stop until it passed.

I started doing house remodeling again. Yeah, for a and that, that helped a lot.

10:39 PM
It did, but I still I mean and then having to explain why I wasn’t working at the second car factory anymore. To like all my friends and stuff and my house remodeling boss. It’s like, yeah.

Crazy shit. You know, because they all remember the time I met this Chick, in a dating group on Facebook from Portland, when I was in college. But not like college kid age. Like you know, when most people go to college like I just started

It took a lot of effort to get into college but I mean fucking up big things like that.

And the second car Factor was like finally I get another opportunity you know but here I am at this job. But I am so beat down fuckin tired. It’s like again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Oh, it’s like I wasn’t fucked up. You know, enough.

Well, I mean it’s just like no let me get to.

It’s just picking up everything so dumb, I guess though. It’s my point is

I say Time Zips by but, you know, And a lot of times, it just drags around, like

I don’t know. I’m just exhausted.

Glad I did my chores. And I have food and it could, it could just everything could just be So much worse and it was for a little bit. I don’t know.

Just looking back on. On that. I mean I’ve talked about it enough, I think it’s like oh yeah. And I do, I miss my mom. I feel like life.

Was just really shitty to my mom.

And it’s stupid. Oh, life’s not fair, you know? What’s the dumbest thing about human beings is like,

That’s the biggest thing they have to worry about is other human beings.

Everything is so like Or it can be, you know, like conflict driven, you know, it’s like,

It’s it’s not like a harmonious exchange, a lot of the times, it’s just conflict. Like I can’t work at a place for example without

You know, there’s always 1 person that I don’t get along with

In some chick who draws me crazy to you. Like at every

Really? No. That’s I’m just going to leave that too. There’s always some chick who drives me crazy. And there’s always some stupid asshole that I just cannot get along with. Even though the way I handle this, Has gotten better. It’s still like gosh. Every fucking job. I have I just want to show up to a place. And work because it stresses me out. So yeah, having to deal with like gosh, there’s this chick. She’s just going to drive me nuts. And uh, there’s this stupid fucking sack of shit. And he’s just going to fucking I’m just going to. I can’t work around him without wanting to hit him.

You know, every place. It was at the warehouse job there was this, dude. And then they were like, There was 1 in particular at the chicken plant.

There were a couple of them at the second car factory.

And so on and so forth. It’s like, well, you know, that’s just

Planet Earth. This little ball in space.

Oh gosh, that’s another thing that’s been popping up on Facebook. Reels is Carl Sagan

Yeah, and his pale blue dot stuff and it’s like, yeah, dude It’s that’s right. All this shit. He talks about like people, you know, killing each other, for some Space, a fraction of a You know a speck or something. I don’t remember how all he words it

It’s like, yeah, they do. It’s pretty absurd.

And then, you know, that’s like the human part of it, but the rest of the animal world’s a fucking nightmare too like insects

And my cordice.

Chords.

Oh, you sack of shit.

Like fucking, you know?

Cord ofps.

Okay, well, I guess this app can’t do everything.

Oh, I’m getting tired. Yeah, I took a nap. I got home at like 5:30.

And slept until about 9:30. And

Woke up and did my chores 8 and now it’s 10:46. I’m going to have to edit this a lot, because

It’s just picking it up dumb, and I don’t feel like yelling I talk loud enough as it is.

I don’t know. On the other hand I guess like on 1 hand, all this stuff up that I’ve already said haha I’m looking up like like up the phone. Up the screen like because all this stuff, it Scrolls, you know, as I’m saying it.

Uh, and then like, yeah, on the other. It’s uh,

Things have gotten a lot better. The last couple of weeks I’m just broke. And,

I really just have to make it through this week.

Including the weekend. Yeah, because I’m working this weekend, like 2 days, both days, but it’s not like the whole day.

Oh, and then Monday, I come in on night shift, so I get to sleep in Monday and that’s going to be great and then I get 6 days off in a row and I got a lot of stuff.

To do. I’m gonna remodel the bathroom or whatever and I’m going to lay down the vocal tracks for This crazy ass concept album. I’ve been doing

And even though, I just feel like blah and empty right now,

Gosh, because I did, I had this huge crazy crying episode. Like this morning about the Twin Flame chick, and then a couple times throughout the day I was like, gosh, but then it went away.

Um,

I wish it could have been different. I don’t know why it wasn’t.

It, I would have.

She would have been the most loved.

Petted. Yeah. Mashed with all the love in the universe.

The most special.

Just,

Lady. Who ever existed?

Yep.

And I haven’t met. Anybody. Who even like comes close to how I felt about her.

Since I left the second car factory and that’s what made this so fucking hard. And I have met a lot of really beautiful interesting ladies, but none of them are her. It’s, it’s the most insane shit. Like, even the chick that I work with, uh, now who drives me crazy. And she is she’s beautiful but she’s not the Twin Flame chick.

It’s insane.

I guess I get depressed thinking about that kind of shit like romance and stuff. Because it has. It’s always just been

Bullshit, and I don’t understand. Because I know a lot of it is me too, but why? You know, why does that have to like, why is it though?

That’s what’s kind of Dumb too about this world is, uh, a lot of problems are circumstantial and you’re constantly like,

In, um, having to deal with these, like forces that drive your behavior like hunger, And the sex urge. And uh,

You know, like sleep, you you have to rest? Right? You have to like, you know, drink water.

You have to do stuff. You have to get a job or something or somehow have money. However, that manifests, right? I mean it’s just something all the time.

And then you have time which I guess you know is the

Dimension of movement how events unfold. And it’s a multi-layered like There are dimensions in it. I say, you know, I use the the word dimension. Of movement? It’s a multi-layered. Yeah. I used to think so much about this shit.

Oh, I’m so tired of talking, thank you. Please.