WEDNESDAY NIGHT

6:54 PM

Okay.

Yeah, I just I didn’t just get home, but

Shut the hell up, not.

No, I said

Shit. Hell. Haha, I’ve only been home like

I don’t think I’ve been home, 45 minutes.

Got off work, had overtime. Went to the gym. Proud of myself. My energy levels coming back cuz I haven’t been drinking every fucking single night. And uh, I let myself have a 5 Hour, Energy, drink again, today as a treat. Yeah, they work pretty well when you don’t take when you don’t slam fucking energy drinks all day. And Fucking triple shot Starbucks. Espresso things that are 2 for 6 dollars at the racetrack. Haha

The RaceTrac gas station. Yeah, how about that?

Yeah, that’s right. I didn’t post that this morning but I did make a post in case I was too tired to fuck with it when I got home.

That’s kind of funny. I put those posts up there like for the Twin Flame chick and Oh, she hasn’t I haven’t seen any pecks on my homepage.

I don’t know, man. The whole thing.

I feel like her and I could have had something really awesome, at one time but that moment passed.

And it’s sucks and I got a lot, a whole lot of music and art out of it.

But not really like.

A lot of that stuff. I have made some excruciating fucking songs about her. I did about my ex-wife, too, and my ex fiance after that stuff ended. But the Twin Flame thing really was. It’s still I just it’s just 1 of those things. I don’t. A kind of have to accept the fact that, um, I don’t understand the whole thing right now, not that I ever won’t

You know, or it won’t be revealed. It’s probably something really.

Not that complicated.

I think mostly our polarities are too different.

She scared the living fucking hell out of me is what is what she fucking did. Yeah, I don’t know what she thought she was doing.

The particulars because it’s an energetic. It’s a metaphysical energetic Exchange. And, uh, 90% of it has been. You know, hasn’t been 95%, I would say actually has, has not been It hasn’t been like a physical thing. It’s crazy. I don’t know what she does. Exactly with her life anymore. I stopped looking at her stuff. I stopped.

I had to yeah. And uh, All right, that’s a pretty common thing, too. To be like, like both of you.

Are just a completely obsessed with each other, and then, you know, it just got to a point though, on my end where it

She, she went too far.

She did. Yeah, it sucks but You know, I like to think there’s a higher purpose for everything, even as painful as it can. Be. Oh my God. Like I didn’t think anything could top the divorce until I met my ex fiance. Which that didn’t I’m Still talking about this crap, right?

Yeah, I know. I’m just saying. Because,

I haven’t had a twin flame episode like I did Monday morning in a while and it was the anniversary of my nervous breakdown. Yeah, I mean, I know this Probably sounds really stupid.

But that’s my reality y’all it’s just it doesn’t make sense. My life really stopped making sense to me after the divorce. I don’t know.

Everything. It’s It’s uh, it’s actually in a song I made up about my ex-wife called devil woman. It’s like, you know, it just Everything I knew or thought I was when I met her. Turned to dust

It did. It really did. Hahaha

Um, I don’t know I guess because it’s like I Still all this time. Yeah has passed and I still like I’m trying to make sense of everything. Probably a little too hard. I don’t know.

I like things to make sense.

Some some things do. Yeah and sometimes they really make sense and sometimes they don’t Sometimes things don’t make any sense at all. But when they don’t make sense, it’s because you can’t see the bigger picture, you can’t see the whole thing. Yeah, everything makes sense.

When you see how it ties in to like other stuff, I just don’t have the perspective. I don’t know, maybe I should fuck with that. Like perspective. Yeah, maybe next week when I have a bunch of off days.

But I’m over the hump this week. Oh my gosh. We’re supposed to have a bunch of overtime tomorrow that’s going to be

Great. And we’re supposed to have a bunch next week, but I’m going to miss most of it, kind of makes me sad. But I need a break. I need time off.

I went to the Superstar Market. I got $30 worth of gas. Not there. Yeah, from the RaceTrac gas station. Haha. I have to include the gas station part or it just says racetrack. Oh no. That time it did. Yep. It did it changed. It, it changed it. Back to the regular word. Um, Anyways, and then I went to the Superstar Market And I got,

The chicken and rice, which is my favorite. Thing they have out. They have like, you know, little meal things and they have this turnip Green casserole. And those are. The 2 of the best things I’ve eaten in. Um,

Well, this whole week I guess, haha. Oh, this month really? Yeah, that uh, turn up green casserole was pretty fucking great. It was like turnip greens. And cornbread. And Something spicy in it like like, you know, those peppers. They have in the water that you shake the juice out onto like cornbread and beans. And turnip greens. Haha It’s like it was hot like that it was

I don’t know what all went in it, but it was fucking good. And the chicken and rice, you know, it’s like

It’s like, Bread crumb things. And Chicken and tastes like little potatoes.

And peas and I think some other crap carrots even It’s like a it’s like a chicken.

And rice. It’s like a casserole type deal too and

Man, they’re so good.

And then I got a uh, thing of Oreos and a half gallon of milk.

I initially went to the dollar store, but they had 1 person working and they had about 20 people in there. And half of those people were in line and I grabbed like some stuff because I was going to try and get by for under $20.

And I just left it. Yeah, because I’m like, this is going to take 20 minutes.

It probably did. Yeah, I remember when I was a cashier at the dollar store.

Oh gosh, last year. Yeah. It was like, from November. Of 2023. Until?

February or March.

2024, I can’t remember exactly when I left. But uh yeah, when I worked there, that’s what what happened? It would take, I mean, I would go as fast as I could. I was a great cashier. But the lines sometimes were insane and I would just have to, you know, do as fast as I could and be like, sorry, it’s taking 15 minutes to check everybody out. And then about the time, you know, I’d get

Uh like I was you know, the last 2 or 3 people 5 or 6, more people would get in line and, you know, they would go by really fast before, you know it would be 9:00 and time to start cleaning.

And people would stop coming in so much, but the rush there that like,

Like 5:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m. Can get pretty crazy. And we were always under staffed.

And I found out why. You know, it really wasn’t. It wasn’t a horrible job but it wasn’t a great job either. It was a dollar store. The Dollar General.

And I,

I had fun with it. I did. But after I got the job at the chicken plant and I was doing that on the weekends, they

Started taking child support out of that check too. And it was like, well, I’m sacrificing my weekends for $30. No shit. And, uh, hell my first paycheck though, before they started taking that out at the Dollar Store, like just for working, you know, 3 days or something. And it was just bullshit at work. Like what 12 hours. Yeah. So it was, it was about a hundred bucks. It was totally worth it. I was like, wow, you know, this and then I get an extra $100 a week.

But I got the job to supplement my house remodeling. Job just to have something else to do and it worked great until it slowed down in about the middle of December and

Never did pick back up. I ended up. Well, it picked back up later, but I ended up having to go to work at the chicken plant. I was afraid, I was going to get my car repossessed which ended up happening. Anyways. I just think that whole thing was doomed. I don’t know why. I loved that car so much.

So much.

It broke my heart and I still like I’m haunted by it.

I’m haunted by my car. Getting repossessed Because a lot of really cool memories and Insanity, you know, not all the memories were great, but I practically lived in that. I lived in my car, I slept at my mom’s but I lived in my car. Yeah. Like that’s where I hung out and made blog posts all the time and drove around I’d go to places and Just, you know, it’s It’s where I Lived.

Go to my storage unit and do music.

All the time, I zipped around. I had that car 3 years?

And I put about 130,000 miles on it.

Yeah, 130,000 miles. Thank you.

I hope whoever has that car now is

Being good to it.

Yeah, and the other thing that haunts me is uh, my mom. I was thinking about that earlier after I finished eating and I was eating Oreos and I was like I finished eating, you know, the casseroles. Oh my God, they’re so good. I wish I had more. I mean I’m full as shit but I wish I had more of them. Oh, I love the Star Market I do.

Um,

Crap. What else was I saying? Oh yeah, the Oreos because I used to buy my mom Oreos all the time. And it just was like, I was open and eating them and I was thinking about I started thinking about my mom Yeah.

When we lived like last year and the year before we lived, you know, downtown

My exwife wasn’t letting me, keep my kids on a regular basis because I did, I went totally off the deep end crazy about the Twin Flame thing. It was so ridiculous though, to look back on it. It’s like what the hell? I mean, I can say that about a lot of stuff but like at the time it was just oh my gosh it was so

Intense and like just permeated my reality.

Was fucking, I don’t understand. I got a bunch of cool songs out of it, though. Like I said, and art, but I don’t know what other purpose that served really except it totally fucked my life up.

And like there, she exists like that, chick is out there somewhere. It just

7:10 PM
Hurts. Too much to look at her stuff. I had to stop.

And,

I hope she’s doing okay. I mean you know shit I don’t hate her.

I don’t hate my ex fiance either. I don’t hate any Chick. I loved at 1 time, even whether it was actualized in the physical waking reality or not,

But yeah, like I would uh you know, I would just I would keep Food. I would always make sure my mom had delicious food. You know, I would buy her Whatever she liked peanut butter and syrup, but like I would go out when I got when I got paid I would get pizzas and lasagnas and enchiladas and Like the stoer, you know Mills you just throw in the oven, you had the stoer.

Stoer.

Does it not pick up the fs?

Stofers.

I guess close enough, right? Um, I don’t know why it drives me nuts when I can just go back and edit it in. It’s like no I gotta have an exchange with the app.

Because I’m insane.

Haha, haha. Um, Anyways, but yeah, that was really like like last year and 2023. Was, uh, I mean, I made the most of it, you know, I walked around all the time and I would walk to the dollar store. And I would buy stuff, I would get Mom Diet Cokes because she liked to drink Diet Cokes.

And, you know, my sister did too. She tried like she would get groceries and leave them there for Her and stuff. Like, I just don’t understand.

Why my mom had to die, like she did. Yeah, like she starved herself to death and I’ll never I don’t think there’s anything I could have done any differently, she was so,

She could get into your brains and drive you like, I can’t explain it. It was like this. It was just

It got so bad sometimes but when she was just like not acting that way she was, you know, great

It breaks my heart. That’s like the 1 of the shittiest, things ever that my mom died. You know, I thought there for a minute,

That my sister had found and she had, she had found her a place to live, that took, uh, whatever it was Section, 8 housing, she could get into and don’t have to pay like what 3 hundred dollars a month or something. And she would have had uh, enough money left over. She could have got her food card money again, you know, all this stuff and something like she had some crazy episode and It scared the hell out of my sister and then she did a bunch of other crazy stuff and

There’s nothing anybody could have done, and it just

I still feel horrible about it because I love my mom. A mom was like, she’s my mom and she wasn’t a bad mom.

She wasn’t a bad person. She helped a lot of people. She was a caretaker. She was a gospel musician. She did community outreach programs. And, you know, this was back in the 80s and 90s.

She was super active in like all kind of things, nursing homes and benefit singings Like she would just all kinds of stuff to help people. And it’s like why did that have to happen to her? You know, why couldn’t she have at least died surrounded by people?

Or, you know, something better than that.

She didn’t deserve that.

She had the most amazing singing voice and I hope to God that my sister got her tapes out of that storage unit. I don’t know what my sister does or doesn’t do or how much she even cares because my mom actually the way she treated me and the way she treated my sister were like completely Different. Just like my dad. My dad, treats my sister way different than he treats. Me or whatever.

I don’t understand, I never understood my parents.

Did I say that in a post that my parents had crazy parents. Yeah. Well, My grandmother wasn’t crazy. My dad’s mom. Yeah. She was.

She was the best person.

She was the best person in the whole Tucker Family, like forever.

Yeah, I guess until my daughter was born. You know, I mean,

I don’t know how much of that. I’m going to leave in. I’m just saying. No, like my grandmother. Is 1 of the reasons I turned out like,

Decent. Yeah.

My ex-wife had a really awesome Grandma. Her mom’s mom was like that. Yeah. She was just I mean, just the best. As a person could get like just the absolute best.

They don’t make people, you know, better than my grandmother and my ex-wife’s grandma and my kids like those are as great. As people can be and my friend, Eric’s parents. My house remodeling boss and his wife. Yeah, those are the like best that people can be made.

It makes me happy to think about them, but especially that people like that exists in the world, you know, it’s Just, I mean, just goodness. Yeah, that’s all they have to offer.

Yeah, like my grandmother, she was just gosh, she was always there when you needed her and she always had the best food she made the best food. Nobody can cook as good as my grandmother.

And, Yeah, I don’t know. I’m starting to get all like sentimental and weepy and all teared up now.

I guess I do kind of feel like

Wish I was getting over time next week, but I don’t know, I think I’m going to I got a lot of stuff I need to do. I need to uh, get a tag for my car.

I need to change out the toilet and the sink, in the downstairs, bathroom coordinate that with my roommate and uh, I need to

Change the oil in my car.

I’m going to get the mechanic to go all through it. I think I’ve said this in other posts though, I don’t know.

And just rest. I’m probably going to head up to work like a few times next week and go to the gym.

Gosh, like my energy level today was just

Normal. Yeah, for me, which is, you know, A lot of energy.

I still have it. Yeah, I’m just like go go. Go.

Almost want to eat some more Oreos. But yeah, I don’t know, I miss my mom. I really do. I really miss my mom, sometimes.

I want to tell her about my job that I got this great job and I want to tell her about

My daughter’s boyfriend, who’s really cool and how I like some weird twist of fate worked with his dad. At the second car factory. I can’t believe that.

I still can’t believe that’s Who. That guy was.

And uh,

God, I’m losing my train of thought. Yeah, I guess I’m. I’m actually a lot more tired than um. Oh shit. I got a locker now at work so I can bring clothes and take a shower before I drive home after the gym. Yep, that makes me happy too.

But yeah, it’s cool. I really like my job. It’s exactly where I want to be.

And, Hopefully, I can, uh, you know, Have a career there or something long term. I want to be an engineer, damn it.

I think, anyways I would be content just, you know, working maintenance. Yeah. And getting paid, you know?

$50 an hour.

And working a bunch and making a lot of overtime and then spending all my extra money with the kids.

Eventually, I’d like to buy a house. But you know that’s probably a few years off. It would be cool to have all this shit going. By the time my daughter graduates, high school.

Yeah.

And then my son, he’s you know, 3 years behind that.

Got to figure out what we’re going to do for the 4th of July.

My ex-wife said, she doesn’t. It’s actually kind of funny. She was like, I don’t really feel like celebrating America right now.

It’s uh, you know. Yeah.

But, It’s really more. I just want to do something fun with the kids because I got a 3-day weekend.

I don’t know, I think I think everything will get better.

Thank you, please.