SATURDAY AFTERNOON

3:25 PM
Hello. Yeah, I guess I’m going to use this the other phone.

I just got home from work. I think what?

20 minutes ago.

Trying really hard to talk myself out of drinking? Yeah, it’s hard.

It’s hard, not to drink on Saturdays.

It’s hard not to drink after work. Haha. It’s not really funny though. It’s bad.

I got like super depressed earlier, like an hour ago.

I don’t know. There’s this like there’s this chick from work who looks at me all the time and she’s really cute. And I like her too, but I’m afraid to talk to her.

And this was like, you know,

Um, today wasn’t a regular production day and I could have totally just talked to her and I avoided it. I avoided looking at her directly like the whole time.

It was really.

Just reminded me of how screwed up I am.

And that’s kind of also what happened at the second car factory.

Yep. Except way, way way like Gosh, I was way worse than I am now, but a lot of what happened. There is a big reason why I’m still screwed up too.

And I am, I’m really bad. I don’t know. It’s like I’m so afraid of getting fucked up again like I can’t I’m not normal. Yeah, once you’ve gone down as far as I have about that stuff,

You know, it’s like

I can’t. Risk. Going back down there again but it still makes me feel horrible.

And,

I feel a little better because I ate. Hello. Damn it, really? Yeah. Uh it hung up for a second. Yeah, I just ate like a rotisserie chicken and some macaroni and cheese and I have just enough money to get me down there to see the kids tomorrow.

Probably take them to Jack’s, you know? And then uh,

It’s stupid how Google uh, Play does their shit. I guess all the things. Do that. I’ve seen people get pissed off at

Apple products too because you subscribe to some shit. And uh, Like, they’ll take it out a day or 2 early. And, you know, I just, I wasn’t thinking, because it’s due tomorrow, my YouTube music subscription. And they took it out today and I was going to cancel it and they took it out. So I was like well you know I should have canceled it earlier.

They did that with Adobe though. Uh I think

It’s been a couple of weeks ago and they refunded it but not it like Instantly. I’m hoping that it comes back on my shit soon.

But tomorrow is another 1 of those like days and I wonder if that chick’s going to be there tomorrow too and it just freaks me out the thought of Getting mixed up with somebody again. And it going wrong. It’s never not gone wrong and

God damn it.

Anyways, um yeah, I was just thinking like earlier.

Hello.

Yeah. Um I guess it didn’t really

I’m tired. And I just, Had like a really stupid depressed episode like right after I left work.

Right after I left, just thinking about how stupid I’ve been. I’ve been so I just have made the worst decisions anybody could ever make about life in general. Since I got divorced 7 years ago, and I still Blabber about it. I’m still fucked up because of it and

I really ought to be happy. That’s what so stupid, because

My life’s actually pretty good right now.

I’ve got a great job. I have a car.

I don’t know, I feel better than I did.

I just really want to get some alcohol. Maybe I’ll go out and get some but That’s kind of the thing I did yesterday. I drank and I passed out and I was happy and I woke up and I didn’t feel bad at all. It’s just that fucking

The chick just triggered a bunch of fucking crazy shit. Because

That’s not something I really need right now, but it It would be nice to.

Like have a person.

And it wouldn’t be that hard for me to do if I wasn’t so messed up but then there’s all this other crazy shit Pops in my head. And my ex-girlfriend Stephanie.

You know, and I’m not mean enough to just block her outright or anything, or tell her to fuck off. I actually I have a really Hard time doing that. And I don’t know exactly why. She uh, decided to unblock me. I don’t know why she ever blocked me in the first place and send me a friend request. And she messaged me this morning, some crazy stuff. She’s all into conspiracy theories and all this. Other stuff because she doesn’t have anything better to do.

And she Just drives herself crazy all the time. And I don’t.

Really know what to think about. Stuff like that anymore. Anyways. You know, 20 years ago, I was into it like stuff. Like oh wow, what’s really going on? Well,

I hate to say this, but a lot of that stuff is just Crap. I guess I said, I hate to say like the point of that is which shit’s all over the place now but it’s just like a paradigm.

Uh, like anything, you know, that it’s marketable. And uh,

There’s a particular type of.

I don’t know if you would call it a demographic, it’s more, just a Type of person that really just eats that shit up, but

Yeah, everybody. I know who’s crazy into conspiracy theories? Um, The handful of people I know who still are Don’t have jobs, I don’t know.
A lot of free time, that’s what I mean. And uh my friend, Eric’s like that, and that stupid ass guy who finally blocked me.

Paul Somerville. Yeah. Haha

Good riddance. That guy was just, he was increasingly like erratic. With his comments, on my posts on Facebook. It’s like, dude.

It was so ridiculous and uh, but my ex-girlfriend y’all, she’s like that too. Not quite as bad, but

She sent me something featuring some guy with a hoodie on and a neatly trimmed beard. Talking about uh, 5G and The flowers of life  or something and she told me that he reminded her of me and I’m like, how? I don’t talk about stuff like that for 1, I don’t wear hoodies and I’ll never trim my beard.

And she just laughs she didn’t know what to say about that and it’s like yeah why did you even come back? You know she’s got this dude. They’re engaged apparently and uh she just keeps calling him. Her boyfriend was like isn’t he your fiance

And then I was like, when are y’all getting married? And she’s like, in 5 years, you know, when I when he doesn’t when he proves that he hasn’t cheated on me or something. Like if he hasn’t cheated on me, in 5 years, then we’re going to get married. That’s what she said. And I’m just like,

He doesn’t look like the kind of guy who would do that he looks like actually a pretty decent fellow.

Yeah, I don’t know, but that’s Well, I call her my crazy ex-girlfriend

And she is, and she dumped me, it’s been over 4 years ago and she never leaves me alone for more than well, a year and a half was the longest but before that she never left me alone. More than 4 or 5 months and it’s since last year, when she came back, it was like January and she hasn’t hasn’t left me alone, you know. More than a few months. 4 or 5 months. When did I talk to her last

Uh, I think it was I think it was like November of last year, maybe December.

I want to say though, it was before I moved into this house so it was probably November or so. Yeah, I guess 7 months. Yeah, I just never thought in a million years. I’d hear from her again.

I don’t ever look at her stuff or Anything either it’s not that interesting. And she was really, really mean to me last year, and That kind of killed a lot of the Adoration, I still had for her. I mean, I did I wrote a whole album. Like 15 songs about her like good full length fucking songs and all this crazy art all the time. All day long.

And she ripped my heart Out

Like,

Just,

Apart, I don’t know. Haha

She’s a big reason why I’ve been single for 4 years. Yeah. And then you know all the the couple of entanglements. That, you know and then there’s the whole twin flame thing. Which is the big like it’s so stupid everything’s just and I just feel so crappy, sometimes thinking about that, I feel better now that I’ve talked and got it out.

But it’s like, You know, I’m really is as cool as it would be, you know, first of all, like, chicks from work. Typically, I don’t have anything in common with And uh, you know, I’m this crazy weirdo artist.

Eccentric. Yeah. Uh, weirdo.

Artist musician.

Language nerd, kind of Downgraded from aspiring polyglot. That was that was my goal, you know, 10 years ago, I don’t think.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be fluent in anything besides English, actually. I mean, maybe maybe Spanish. I’m conversational in French. I can read it pretty well. Still. I’ve forgotten almost all the Latin that I studied my ass off.

Hello, Yeah. This is why I make posts From my other phone. Um, I don’t know a full frond. Now, I feel fine now. Gosh!

Holy shit. Yeah, it really does make me feel better to get this crap out in blog posts.

Well, I’m glad. Yeah, gosh. But you know, like really as much as I wish. I had a girlfriend. Um, on the other hand, it’s like

I don’t know how anymore I don’t know where to start, and I’m just I’m too screwed up. I really am.

And it’s like it’s I’m okay with that until I’m faced with it, you know? Like I could like, oh my gosh. Because I am at work. Like I’m a lot of fun to watch. I run around. Like a crazy person. You know, and I always have this upbeat positive attitude. And I’m really expressive with like everything and I’m polite and nice. And people will always tell me how they wish they had my positive attitude, and then I leave work. And I’m like, wish I could blow my fucking brains out. Haha every day

Uh, I don’t know. That’s how it goes right, but I feel great. Now I’m actually the more I’m talking about it. The better I’m starting to feel So,

Thanks. Yeah, thanks blog. You’re like you’re my therapist. I don’t know who needs. Yeah, who needs a therapist when you have a a speech to text blog that anybody can read? But I do, I really like that chick.

Hahaha.

Oh my gosh. She’s got like dark hair and she’s just

Really, really cute.

It’s kind of hard to tell how old she is. She could be 35, she could be 27, you know? I have no idea.

The closest thing I can do though to like, looking at the Twin Flame chick’s stuff now is uh, I got on 1 of my other accounts where I have her blocked so I won’t look at her stuff and I looked at her profile picture I think it’s been the same for a little bit now and

3:43 PM
So, that’s like the closest, you know, like I look at my blocked list and I have to screenshot it and zoom in and it’s all pixelated. So it’s like, well, you know, I guess she’s still existing.

Her hair looks normal.

From the picture, the best I can tell. Yeah. But I do, I remember like I used to just, I would come into work. So depressed at the second car factory, you know, just drive and work and drive and working and driving, you know, an hour and a half every day to. And from work, it’s 3 hours a day. I was driving And uh,

I would I would be really just burned out sometimes and come in and see her and it would just make me so happy. I was like, man, this chick exists.

She was a lot of fun to watch, you know working too and then you know everything got really retarded.

I think the Human Experience is.

At least from my perspective, you know I was going to say like my experience with The Human Experience, right?

Um, the human whatever.

That’s a crazy thing. You know, existing in this form. And this world.

With all the other people.

And how wrapped up in your own retarded? Bullshit you can get all up in your fucking own brain. At least that’s what I think, you know, it’s in my brain.

So,

That’s what they say. I’ve never seen my brain and I don’t want to Hahahaha

Yeah. Um,

But I have, I was been thinking a lot about my life the last few weeks. Just like the whole thing. And uh, I was thinking today, we were like the line started up and it stopped, it was down for a while and then it would start back up. And Basically, I worked an hour and a half. And got paid for 6 hours. And tomorrow is probably going to be the same thing except I’ll get paid for 8 hours because it’s double time on Sunday. And stuff time in a house. It’s like

Time and a half. Yeah, it’s like God, it’s the easiest money I’ve ever made. You know what’s

Uh, yeah.

I can’t forget to set my alarms, either. I have to be there at 10:30 tomorrow. And then after I’m done, I’m going to go get the kids for lunch.

And I need to text my ex-wife about that. Just to let her know what time I’m approximately going to be there.

I’ve got about. Eighty dollars, if they refund my fucking YouTube music, crap that they shouldn’t even have taken out until tomorrow.

Uh, then I have enough for gas and Like some cheap fast food. Jack’s is usually where we go. When I Don’t want to spend more than 40 dollars.

I don’t know. I mean, it’s funny. It’s like sometimes it’s like I feel like, uh, you know, it’s

It’s stupid to think about it now because I feel fine. But then it’s, you know, it’s like a sometimes. I feel like I just fucked up my life way too much and it’ll never be fixed and I’ll Never Love Again. And I might as well just blow my brains out or something and then like,

I’ll work my way out of that now. I feel like what the fuck? I’m not. It’s not that bad.

I’m not that bad. I’m really not.

I probably should do my chores. I mean, at some point. Like, in the next.

8 to 10 hours. Haha, I don’t know. Or, you know, worst case scenario tomorrow and I get to sleep in Monday. I don’t know what the hell I’m complaining about I have You know, I just ate a chicken. And uh, Food City actually. They have the most expensive. Stuff. But the chickens.

Aren’t as good as the ones at Publix. And they’re like,

Really again. Oh yeah, it just keeps cutting out. Um, yeah, the ones that Publix are like a couple of dollars cheaper. But food city has pork loin and ribs. But the ribs are best at Kroger.

But food city has the best hot bar like meatloaf and macaroni and cheese. Oh my God. I just I got a tub of macaroni and cheese to go with my chicken and it was so good.

I, I guess really, I didn’t want to drive all the way to Kroger or, uh, Publix and Food City is, just right up the road.

Yeah, I don’t know.

I was, uh, thinking because like, looking back on my life and stuff like my dad officially got married again and, uh, I think A month ago. And my sister got married like a week after that, and You know, I don’t think my dad’s been divorced a year. Has he even been divorced?

Nope, not a year and he was like that was my mom. Like him, and my mom split up and not even a year later, he was remarried and then that lasted about a year. And then uh, they divorced And then she came back and they got married again a few years later. And,

Just thinking about my dad a lot earlier. I was like God.

There’s no way in hell. I’m going to that family get together thing. I think it’s about a month away. It’s actually it’s the 12th that’s on a Saturday and I’m not going to that.

Because I don’t think I can be around my dad and not be an asshole to him. He deserves it. And I just don’t care. It’s like, you know, I was gonna I don’t even want to talk about that. I get sick of talking about negative shit. I really do. Thinking about it, you know it’s like why am I thinking about this shit?

What else can I think about? Well, How sleepy I am? Because it’s all the food. Starting to Hit me, it’s all in my belly and it’s like magic. Sure would how it would say that but it is and, um, Yeah, I think I’m just going to

It’s going to wrap this up. I am going to and uh, edit it and post it and take a nap.

Jesus help.

Thank you. Please.