THURSDAY NIGHT

8:56 PM
Well. It’s Thursday night, but for some reason my brain is like it’s Saturday night but it’s not.

It feels like a Saturday night. Doesn’t it?

No. Yeah. It’s kind of weird, maybe because

I’ve been off work all week.

Flipping through the, uh, Facebook. Reels.

Yeah.

It’s just really funny.

How much time has passed?

I guess that’s normal, though, when you’re alive.

Yeah. Haha Um I guess what did it was the it was showing The Superman game on Nintendo 64, that was released in 1999. It was like 26 years ago and

I remember when I was 26 years old. Yeah.

Oh, all that’s so stupid. I got really sad earlier, I made myself sad earlier.

I was just thinking about like stuff.

Oh, I hate to keep bringing this up because I feel really stupid about it sometimes, but it’s the whole twin flame thing. And I was, uh, I was looking through, like, Her ex dude’s Instagram page, yeah um like shit from like 7 or 8 9 years ago. And she just was like, seems like such a different person. Back then I don’t know what happened. Exactly. You know.

Like this is the same chick who Figured out where I lived from my Instagram posts and Put nails in my tires and fucked with my head and drove me so crazy. I had a nervous breakdown and was just mean as shit to me. For some fucked up, reason. And I was already like I was just thinking because I still can’t bring myself to look at her stuff now. Like whatever she is currently doing

I mean she’s like a totally Totally. Different person, it’s weird uh her Instagram then this was the last time I looked at it though. Uh, Well, when I first found it back in you know a couple of years ago, it was a little over that

Probably had to have been April or May of 2023.

Uh, that’s when I like went all the way through it and figured out who she was, but I think maybe I first saw it late January or February of 2023

It used to say like in love with my life and the people in it for a long time, but the last time I looked at it, which has been almost 4 months ago, It said baby don’t waste your time on me and I thought, man, what a perspective change?

Yeah.

I noticed a lot of stuff actually, like people that she would take pictures with or like make posts about

They’re not friends anymore like people she would claim that were just so important like her besties or her A1 from day 1 or something, you know? And Then like you would look, I don’t know I’ve noticed that they’re not like friends anymore on Facebook. This is stupid as shit. But uh,

Looks like she’s burned a lot of dang Bridges. And I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened because my point is, she seemed like such a sweet happy person. And I remember because I used to be friends with that, dude, her ex Uh, Like I used to, you know, comment on his stuff and she was, you know, I was like, oh, there’s this girlfriend, you know, I thought he was like the luckiest fucking dude ever.

I did.

And uh, then that time. I saw them like, in the parking lot, of this restaurant which I had met him before because he played cello at my wedding, but I was like, gosh, you know she just seemed like this really awesome sweet. Lady. And

Like I remember, uh,

He posted 1 picture uh this picture 1 time that he went to the bank or some shit and she brought a coloring book to the bank and I was like, wow what a cool, you know. Fun girlfriend and And because I was comparing that to what I was having to deal with at the time. Which was, you know, my my ex-wife Who I tried to kill myself because of the way she treated me, you know what I mean? So, Yeah.

With all that made me really sad. It’s like, you know, and if I would have had any idea that’s she was, I’d forgotten about all that. It’s just so crazy to me to look back on it. If I would have known, you know, if I could have known like when I first started the second car factory that’s who she Was I would have talked to her or at least I would have been like, hey, Ya You know. I wouldn’t have ran away.

It was so crazy. How all that? Happened. And I didn’t think she’d give me the time of day for, for the longest, you know, until I got mixed up with this chick named Tiffany. And uh, like I guess I was You know happy yes and really happy or some shit. So uh anyways, I finally started talking to somebody again who wasn’t Stephanie And uh, you know, I met her and I was like, we were like I thought, you know, she was going to be the next lady. The next special lady and, uh,

The twin flame chick on the day that I was supposed to go. Hang out with that Tiffany. Uh, person.

She comes all at me like making eyeballs you know and stuff and I’m just like What?

Because her, and this, dude, she called him a bestie, like, he always. Like would stare at me all like, like he hated my guts and they would point at me sometimes and laugh. And shit. And I just thought, you know, everybody

Thought I was some weird fuking idiot, you know. So I didn’t interact with them. He also bowed up to me in the cafeteria 1 day and I was like, fuck that, you know. Fucking Middle School, bullshit.

But uh yeah and then all of a sudden, you know I get mixed up with this other woman because I mean I liked the Twin Flame you know chick but I didn’t think she would give me the time of day, that’s actually like was the impression I got from her. Uh, of course. I didn’t know who she was. At the time. Yeah, it’s crazy.

But that’s when I realized that. Uh, she actually didn’t hate me. She actually, she liked me too. And I ran away because I was talking to Tiffany. I can’t talk to more than one woman. It’s just how I am.

Oh, that’s a long story. It’s in my other blog, though, but I was just thinking about all that tonight. Like

Like, of course, you know, I didn’t find out who she was until you know, after she had already, been really mean to me and messed with my head and, uh,

She did, she tried to like Like she would like stand up like next to me and like I guess. In her mind giving me an opportunity to talk to her and I always I never could do it. It always made me so nervous. I was afraid. She was going to be mean to me. I didn’t like how her friends looked at me either.

And then she was mean to me. Oh man. Where do I start, right?

I gave her this thing called the artifact, the kids, and I made. And uh, 1 day because she kept, Like putting herself around me. She would get this dude to chase her or like anytime I would come around. And uh I guess just so I would notice her, you know, and she would always do stuff like that. So I would like pay attention to her

Yeah, I know this was at work. I mean, you’d think it was like fucking high school or something. But uh,

Like so I was finally like, you know, what do I do, what do I do? So it’s like, hey, the artifacts And,

Uh,

I gave it to her 1 day and uh, I was so nervous. I thought my face was going to explode because I liked her like I couldn’t explain it but I never liked anybody as much as I liked her. And um I gave her this thing, and I have to like

I’m nervous like on 1 hand on the other haha I’m about to piss myself. It was right at the start of first break. You know. I had drank a lot of coffee and water. I had to go to the restroom so I just handed it to her. She goes, what’s this kind of like, weird? You know, I’m like it’s the artifact. I got to go and, uh,

That night. She puts. My fucking Instagram up on her Facebook page.

Um, and I’m like, what the hell does this mean? You know, like how you can put, you know, like your Instagram like you put your links up there, like my blog. I link to my blog on my Facebook like the bio part. Well my Instagram was up there on hers. I’ve got a screenshot of it. Actually I’m going to post.

Yeah, no I didn’t know what. I didn’t understand that, I don’t understand like games or anything, you know, I’m an intj. I just don’t understand. Like, stuff like that, I don’t.

I don’t I don’t get it, you know? And uh so I asked my ex-wife and she was like, that probably means She wants you to message her. It’s like, okay, I did So I did it and she was like, insanely mean to me and it hurt. And I was like, okay, well, never mind. And I didn’t even try to talk to her like, after that. And uh, gosh. But she kept reading my blog

It was so crazy, she read about all the stuff. How I felt about myself and It was a real struggle sometimes. Like she couldn’t just

Be like a person at me either, or, you know, it’s like I was I was having to like, I don’t know what she thought. You know, I really don’t.

But,

We’re not together because she decided she would You know, whatever kind of crazy Gauntlet she threw down.

I was thinking about all that earlier. It made me really sad. It’s like, you know, I’ve had to deal with this. And it got even crazier after. I had a nervous breakdown and left the car factory. You know, she didn’t leave me alone. She didn’t leave my apartment building alone or my car or alone.

Yeah, she she sure didn’t. She uh, drove me even crazier.

So much. Yeah, it’s just there’s just so much more to it. It’s it gets even more ridiculous. But,

I still don’t understand. She tried to follow my daughter on Tik Tok last year like last October or November. I can’t. Remember when my daughter told me that you know, she was like oh yeah she tried to follow me and I got to tell my ex-wife about that it’s like yeah I wasn’t making all this up in my head.

What the fuck but um,

Shit.

She still pecks on my blog, that’s my point. You know she hasn’t

She doesn’t leave me alone. I mean, just, you know, She doesn’t know where I live anymore, she doesn’t know where I work or anything like that, and I don’t have anything up publicly on my social media, like I used to, I got sick of it. It’s like, you know, Just message me.

Here to a point. You could blame me for running away, but then it’s because It’s why I ran away. You know.

Like what kind of crazy hell is? This chick going to put me through?

It sucks that I’m so messed up that I equate like love and relationships with fucking torture and Hell. Yeah, like just oh my gosh.

And and it did it all started the last 2 years I was married.

Oh man, that was so bad. And I just never I don’t know.

Just got into 1 crazy fucked up relationship after another. And I really should just block my ex-girlfriend. When I think about like, especially last year, how she jerked me around And that’s what the Twin Flame chick. Reminded me a lot of Stephanie, the way she acted

9:12 PM
And I can’t handle another Stephanie. You know.

Yeah, I don’t understand it. It’s really

Stupid. It’s just it messes with my brains.

Oh, I just feel so dumb.

But I have been working on music all day. And I’m fixing to go smoke the rest of this damn cigarette. I have to put

My food up.

Baby kitty.

I don’t know though. It’s, it’s still kind of hard to talk about the whole thing.

I just don’t think that her and I are going to end up together. Like really. I think I get 1 more. Like something or other.

Or do I? I don’t know. It’s like I’m also struggling with like I’m getting to the point where I just simply do not care anymore. Like I’ve never been to that point before. I was like, I just want a girlfriend, you know, I’m so alone. I’ve got all this stupid crazy, love to give and it’s just going to waste but

Fuck that. That’s it. Yeah, I never get out.

Billions and billions and billions of people. You know, I just haven’t met her yet. Yeah. I mean, I don’t think I’ve met. Number 7, yet.

I’ve been reading a lot about that stuff like the twin flame stuff cuz I guess apparently I needed like to be reminded of shit.

It’s just, you know.

More like a learning experience. It probably would have been

Total Insanity even worse if we would have ended up together and we might have even like killed each other or something fucked up. I don’t know.

But I never cried about a woman. As hard, not quite the same way.

As I did the Twin Flame chick. I mean I did pretty bad about my ex-wife and my ex fiance too, but it was different.

It was like this.

It’s like I had finally found you know my counterpart but it’s like no. And it hurt and it was like, I can’t describe it but I haven’t.

I haven’t felt like that in a while. I mean, it’ll come back sometimes and then go away.

Well, it happened. Uh I guess about a week ago on the 9th. Yeah. Which was the 2 year anniversary of my nervous breakdown. I didn’t even realize it at the time, she got all into my brains. Then I was like Oh yeah

Oh, it’s just, it does. It’s so crazy. But that’s normal. You know I was reading like stuff and it’s like yeah I mean even though it hasn’t been scientifically proven you know people that blah blah blah blah.

I feel retarded, is it? No, I do.

But all she would have to do is message me. I mean, I’m not messaging her ever again because of how mean she was the last time I did. And I did, I got mad, you know, you buy a new tire because some chicks fucking with your head and you can’t figure none of her fucking crap out because who does this shit?

Right? Yeah. I was really mad

I don’t know, maybe 1 day, I’ll start from the beginning and just tell the whole damn story. But, you know,

I just hope it was worth it like on her end, some maybe she realizes some great truth or something or Some kind of something or other that was lacking. Some kind of imbalance, you know, that existed. I hope that was Rectified because it sure did fuck everything up for me.

In a really bad way and I’m still like processing it.

Yeah, I’ll be glad when I can stop. Though, you know, when I can like finally move past, it took it did, it took me 3 years, every bit of 3 years to get over my ex fiance

Yeah.

Probably be a lot harder if I hadn’t had to deal with that. And I’m not like a lot of people, you know, I’ve only had just a handful of, you know, relationships like that. And I’ve not been, you know, with that many people 6 people, 6, ladies that’s it. Stephanie was the last person I did anything gross with, haha. Tiffany didn’t count because it didn’t get that far. You know, I’ll be 45 in September.

I don’t care about dating and sex and stuff. I’m not motivated by that explicitly. I’m not asexual by any means, it’s not that at all

I almost want to say, most people are a lot of people are Yeah.

All that stuff.

You know, relationships and sex and dating and all that is a huge, huge part of most people’s lives and it’s It’s not even a part of mine, except that It’s not.

It’s not a part of mine, I guess is how much it’s a part of my life. Yeah.

I don’t know if that’s something that the Twin Flame chick, really understands about me either?

But you know, the handful of relationships that I have had have been. You know, 2 of them weren’t horrible. You know, but the rest of them were

And really my marriage. It was just the last 2 years. But it was enough, and the fact that it ended, and then You know, the next big crazy thing was,

My ex. Yeah, fiance. And then um,

The next crazy thing after her was this chick named Hannah.

Yeah. Hannah and then Stephanie And, Then the Twin Flame chick happened, you know?

Oh, it’s just so dumb. So, fucking dumb.

My point is though, that it made me really really sad earlier. And, I’ll be glad when I finally get to a point where it doesn’t affect me like that anymore.

Well, can I say? What else can I say? I’m tired of talking about it but it helps to get it out.

Thank you. Please.