ME

12:53 PM
Hello.

Oh my God. Yeah.

Crazy. I’m so crazy.

I had like the worst fucking episode after work. Yesterday morning. Oh my God, it was horrible.

I hate myself so much sometimes. Just hate everything about myself about how crazy I am.

How messed up socially? I am. Yeah, and just how I can’t connect with people. Like I used to. I just can’t. And,

You know, sometimes it really gets the best of me. How alienated? And just

Out of place, I feel Everywhere I Go. The only people, I don’t feel like that around is the kids.

And,

You know, sometimes I just don’t think I’m worth. Like fixing like my life or anything, it’s not worth. It’s not worth it. That’s kind of what? That’s exactly. That actually, what I struggled with last year all last year Yeah. I was like, well, you know, I’m just going to drown myself in the ocean.

I figured the kids would be better off. You know, without having to See me like get worse or something. Which I guess that’s as bad as it probably gets, but

I mean, I could just, you know, without you know, without

Outright. Yeah. Blowing my brains out or hanging myself or something? It’s like well I just disappeared and who knows what all happened

Yeah, isn’t that sad? And then I felt really horrible about feeling that way. But I went and I got shit faced fucking drunk as hard as I could, and I had a horrible hangover, like,

It’s still kind of ongoing. That’s why I didn’t really make a post yesterday. I still gotta maintain my streak though, haha

Yeah.

I don’t know, I just think about everything it’s like It’s gotten better, though. Things have gotten better. I’m broke as hell now but that’s kind of my own fault.

I won’t be in a week. I’ve got enough gas, and I have enough food. To get me back and forth to work.

What 4 days until I get paid again? You know, it’ll be fine.

But gosh, I just Feel like such a waste.

Sometimes I really really do. It’s like why was I even born? Why. Yeah, like why the hell am I here? You know, all I care about really is my kids. I mean, that’s all I care about. And I never get to see them. And about the time, you know, it’s just like, you know what, what’s next, you know, like, About the time I start getting. You know, kind of getting my shit together. Like Just something fucked up has happened, and

My will to live, you know I mean I just exist. Most of the time it’s all I can do to just exist in this realm in this form.

Yeah, it’s like, oh, I had Oh my God.

I don’t get like normal people. You know. Stuff like opportunities. And Um, anything. I don’t know. I don’t understand it myself and it really it all started. You know, uh, everything started getting really

I made. Some pretty big decisions, you know, 20 years ago, like uh, getting married to my ex-wife and getting into business with my dad and that kind of

Was not good for me. I mean I’m still really messed up from all that. But the kids came out of it and they’re way, way, way better than I am. And that’s great. Cuz sometimes I’m just like, you know, I’m really just a fucking big pile of garbage. Yeah. God, I hate myself sometimes so much.

I’m a slob. I’m like a clinical slob. I don’t have like,

Really it all just comes from.

You know.

Just existing like it’s all I can do to just maintain a presence here on Earth.

Most of the time, you know?

I think that’s a big reason why I have such a problem drinking and a problems with money and I run from love because it’s like, It’s just going to end up. Making me want to die all over again and probably driving the chick. Whoever she is crazy as hell.

That was 1 thing. I struggled with you know, when the whole twin flame thing was active, it’s like it drove her crazy, just me running away. Yeah,

It made me hate myself.

But then it was also like why is she making this so weird and crazy and complicated? You know.

It was.

Breaks my fucking my heart, it breaks my heart, it broke it a lot like over and over. It’s shattered it.

I don’t really think I’m, you know, That great. Yeah. Like it’s it’s like why am I that important to another person? I get it that I am to the kids cuz I’m their dad.

But, you know, and that’s another thing cuz my dad, you know, I kind of had that, that’s how I looked at him, you know, he was just this super person. My mom was too and I got older and had kids of my own and I got to see them from a, an adult perspective. And I realized that, uh, They actually kind of suck. They kind of sucked as people, you know, my dad especially Because he has like,

Doesn’t really have a sense of ethics. Like I do. It’s really, really messed up.

And uh,

My mom you know, just the way she treated my daughter and my sister and my nieces I mean I don’t know man.

I still think my mom deserved better than, you know, how she ended up and I struggle with that too because I felt like

I was probably the only person who could actually take care of my mom but then, at the same time, it wasn’t, I couldn’t. Yeah, I couldn’t do it. So,

My sister had actually gotten her into a another apartment and she had this big crazy like episode thing and Nobody really knew what to do about it. And

Of course, I’m all the way up here in Huntsville now. And uh, I think my sister actually lost the rent deposit on that place. Yeah.

It’s really sad. My mom was a very tragic figure. I don’t Know what else to say? It’s so sad.

Yeah.

But I guess there’s a part of me that’s afraid. You know my kids are going to realize that I’m just this gigantic fuck up too and I try to tell them I’m like you know, I’m a horrible example of a grown-up, you know, I think they get that, I don’t think they care because I treat them like

They are the best people. Ever made. Yeah.

I treat them that way which was the opposite of how uh my dad treated me.

Yeah. But I just miss them so much and I just feel like this gigantic fucking

Sack of shit. Really, just horrible awful I hate myself, like so much.

Because of things like my ex fiance, like I just fucked up all that. It was like, you know, you would think I would have known better.

Hello, it’s picking everything up really stupid. I mean, you know, like and I know that was almost 7 years ago, but And then the whole twin flame thing and that’s still kinda ongoing. The big crazy things about it happened 2 years ago. But it’s like, you know, why does this shit happen to me? Why is it affecting me like this?

And, It just makes me not want to exist anymore. Here on Earth.

I struggle with that all the time, and I really, really struggled with that Tuesday. Yesterday yesterday, I guess it’s Wednesday.

Yeah. So I have tonight off and then tomorrow is back to work.

But it’s just, I don’t know. I try to distract myself with music. You know, my music that I’m kind of bored with, I’m just making myself, do it?

Yeah, because it’s better than laying around. Hating my fucking self. Actively

Slept, all I can. I have slept all that I can. Yeah. For like, at least for now.

I got some coffee though.

I’ve made a lot of blog posts in the last week. Haha. Yeah, but I mean, you know

That’s kind of where I was at yesterday. It’s like, It’s like I want to die but I don’t. But I don’t want to be like a tortured fucked up.

Idiot anymore.

But at the same time, I don’t really care either. It’s like

My enthusiasm isn’t. Isn’t what it used to be for life. And I just I try to distract myself from it. You know, but

I’ve done a lot of stuff had a

Had a big crazy life

Life. Yeah, that’s like for a long time. I did. And,

God, I would though if it wasn’t for the kids, I would just straight up blow my fucking brains out like right now. Yeah, I would. That’s the only thing keeping me here are the kids.

I know like all the stuff I get on social media and I poke around and all the people, the stuff that people care about, Stuff that people talk about day to day, you know?

Politics and stuff. Just all this. The whole thing and it just does does not interest me at all. You know what? I’m looking forward to? Getting paid next week and getting the kids.

For the 4th of July. And that’s like, that’s the only time I’m really happy is when I’m with my kids.

And it’s, I don’t understand. I don’t understand. Why I haven’t gotten to see them on a regular basis, you know, circumstances I know but like Why did that? Why is it’s just all it does is Fucking torture. The shit out of me and make me hate myself. Even worse. Yeah, because I blame myself for everything all the time. Anyways.

Maybe it’ll get better. Yay

Thank you, please.