THURSDAY MORNING

5:30 AM
Oh, the crud. Oh my lungs. Ha ha ha. No, it sucks though. It’s like

I don’t feel crappy or anything. I mean, I kind of do but it’s just like Might be because I quit smoking. Doesn’t that happen? If you smoke for a while like a long time, like I have like a special the last couple of years.

Like a specialty, especially. The last couple of years. Yeah, um,

That like, Doesn’t it like loosen up a bunch of shit or something. I’ve read somewhere and heard people talk about when you quit smoking you like All the crap starts coming out.

Cuz I haven’t smoked on a regular basis in 2 weeks. And I haven’t drank in a week and a half.

A week and a half.

Well, maybe a little over a week. Yeah. Haha And I feel fucking great, otherwise I got off work about 4 and I went to the gym. And I worked out for 45 minutes. No shit. I did the treadmill for 15, but I did a lot of weights. Lots of reps. Yep.

You know, I don’t think I’m going to be single forever. Yeah. Oh my goodness, this is

Yeah, there are though there’s a lot of like

And I have, I’ve talked about this in a few posts several posts. Actually, over the last couple of months,

Couple of months?

Well, hell, it’s already July, so I guess I have yeah.

There are some.

This sounds so stupid, doesn’t it? There’s a lot of really beautiful ladies where I work. Yeah, it’s uh, It’s like dang sometimes.

Um, but uh, Duh.

I don’t know. You know, I’m technically not allowed to date.

Says the kids, we were talking about it 1 day. Um, I actually the last time I got them, we were driving And I was like, you know, if I had a girlfriend and all this and they were like well,

I was like she could sit in the back. Telling my daughter, you know, she could still sit up front and my daughter was like, no, no, no.

No.

Uh, I’ll sit in the back with my brother and I was like, well, you don’t have to like And she was like, no I totally do uh we’re going to team up. We have to team up against her like against my girlfriend, you know? Haha. Hahaha. And they were like, yeah.

I was like, well that makes me not even want to have a girlfriend and then they laughed and both of them almost at the Exact same time said it’s supposed to. Haha It’s supposed to make you not want a girlfriend dad. Dad.

I was thinking about that driving home.

Just now, I was like, you know,

As much as I would really love. To have. A girlfriend. I just don’t know how that’s going to fit into anything right now. But I mean, that’s that doesn’t mean I don’t know. Yeah, because You know, part of me is like, yeah, I’ve been single for 4 years.

Shit, almost 4. And a half now, right? Yeah, gosh. And uh,

The longer I’ve been single the, the less I care though. It’s uh, It’s kind of funny. I’ve just especially the last couple of months. I’ve just started to not care at all.

The whole twin flame thing. I know I keep mentioning this but it fucked me up really, really bad. Yeah, like It was like, what?

To the point where it gradually made me stop caring, you know, I cared for so long, the void was so immense. Maybe that was the whole point right? To finally make me stop caring about if I had a girlfriend or not, you know, trying to find love again.

Because I’ve been really fucked up about it.

For a while. Yeah. But Here recently, you know, it’s just I don’t feel the same way about that kind of stuff.

I guess maybe that was the point of all, all of it. To, to get me to finally, get me back to where I was at before I met my ex-wife. Because I didn’t give a shit about that stuff either before I met her. That was another big reason. Um, I haven’t talked about any of this and Yeah, it’s all over my other blog you know, 4 or 5 years ago.

Um,

I talked to my ex-wife for 8 months. On ICQ before meeting in person. Actually we, we were going to hang out 1 time before that but it fell through

I don’t remember, but it took like it did, though. It took talking to her for that long, I had to really get to know her. Before it, uh,

Before I would like let myself become interested in her romantically. I liked the shit out of her, though. I did. Oh my God. I used to be. So excited. I used to couldn’t wait to get home and start talking to her on ICQ. This was before cell phones. Yeah, this was 1999.

We started talking that summer. I don’t remember the exact month, June, or July. And I used Valentine’s Day.

As leverage to ask her out on a date. Yeah, our first date but the point to that is, I had to really get to know her. You know, a lot more first before I was just like,

Hey. Do you want to go on a date? Or something. And

I’m finally getting back to that. Point. Like where I just because I didn’t care.

If I had a girlfriend or not,

But then, I ended up with 1. You know, but she was my ex-wife was a really, really cool chick. She was, I mean, I say, was she still, is she was super fucking cool. And intelligent. She was the smartest. Chick I had ever met. Yep, the funniest most creative. Intelligent lady, I had ever met.

And it was fun to talk to her.

Really fun. Yeah, it was

And I was 19 when I met her. I didn’t date in high school. I didn’t have girlfriends in high school or anything.

I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was music and my chickens. Yeah, I used to have pet chickens. Lots and lots and lots and they were all named and I kept a big spreadsheet like a database. Uh with all my chickens like their names and their lineage and everything spanning probably.

Oh gosh.

4 or 5 generations of them, you know, chickens don’t live forever, haha. You know, but uh, I did, it was like here’s the I had the original, like,

9 chickens.

9 chickens. Yeah and then all the other chickens ended up with like 60, something they all came from that original 9 chickens. Yeah, but anyways, that and my music is all I gave a shit about and my art, you know,

And uh I didn’t care about girls because I had got my heart broken when I was 14 and that was enough, I was like, fuck that I didn’t think I could. I didn’t think that level of pain existed, of course, you know it got worse.

Um, I’m not going to get off on a big stupid like tirade about this shit but uh,

My point is I just didn’t care. And that’s kind of where I’m at again and it’s actually really liberating, you know, since

In a sense. Yeah.

But I still it’s like I’m not going to be single forever, but I just don’t know right now,

How?

A girlfriend would fit into the dynamic. I have with the kids.

Because,

Nothing’s more important than them, and that’s always been the case.

But not getting to see them on a regular basis for a year. You know, not getting to keep them.

You know, I guess I could see. I got to see them. Oh gosh, I mean I just don’t want I don’t want to talk about this too much anymore, but you know,

I miss them all the time, all the fucking time. Every single day. All day long, all the time. I miss my kids and

I just can’t like,

You know, if I have free time and money

I’m going to do something with the kids, you know?

If I have free time and no money, then I’m going to do music stuff.

And work on like myself, like, You know, going to the gym and

Staying the hell away from smoking and alcohol for a while. For a specially alcohol. Yeah, especially

Alcohol. For a while. I mean, I ain’t going to say I’ll never drink or smoke again, but At the very least I got to get out of the habit of it and that’s going to take you know, an extended period of not doing it. Well hell, it’s a bad for you. Yeah, like when I drink regularly when I’m not. Drunk. My anxiety levels are fucking retarded.

Like, real bad. And then, you know, smoking fucks up my voice.

Of course right now I’ve got the crud but my voice is actually, you know, You can’t tell. I was singing earlier at work. I was like,

Blah, blah, blah. You know me, me me and uh, haha

Yeah. I was like wow I actually sound pretty decent.

I don’t know, that’s just kind of what I was thinking about this morning. After I got out of the gym. But uh,

There are though, there are some really Really beautiful ladies where I work. And, uh, I don’t know. It’s just got to like everything has to line up though, for That to happen again. Like I don’t know. But right now,

I am happy being like, where I’m at just working a bunch. And then in my free time when I have money, getting the kids,

I miss them.

Oh, it hurts. It does. But I text with them all the time, you know, it’s fun.

And we’re going to have a lot of fun this weekend. And it’s hard to that’s 1 thing about like, A lot of chicks, you know? If they don’t have kids, it’s hard to understand if you have kids.

But then not everybody who has kids gets it either because it’s like I don’t know. It’s like I said in another post you know like dating and all that stuff is a huge part of most people’s lives like relationships and shit like that.

That’s what a lot of people.

You know, that’s

That’s a big thing for most people, but not me.

I don’t know.

Oh gosh, I’ve got to get up. Well, I usually get up at, like, 1 or 2 pm anyways, but I have to leave The house like 2 hours early. Because we’re working 2 hours early. So we can get off 2 hours early and get an earlier, haha start. Uh, to the holiday. Yeah. I didn’t mean for this to turn into a long post, you know?

I guess I feel pretty decent because I went to the gym and

I drank a lot of water.

And I ate. I just went to the The Sprint, Mart. Which is where I used to get breakfast when I worked at the. Uh, Distribution Center.

I went there and I got a bologna egg and cheese biscuit and yeah, they’re just as delicious as I remembered.

Wish I would have gotten 2, but I didn’t really want to spend the money.

5:48 AM
Thank you, please.