jesus help

5:23 AM
What am I doing?

Um, just like

Laying here.

Thinking about everything.

That’s what happens.

When I sleep a whole bunch and have a lot of time.

A lot of free time and I’m just

Being introspective, and

Thinking about it all.

So anyways, I had those dreams like yesterday. About the Twin Flame chick and she got all into my brains. Like last night. Shit. I don’t know, like 10. 10 p.m. or so, 9. Somewhere between 9 and 11:00 p.m. And it drove me crazy. And I’m like, well, you know, she still has me blocked on Facebook and then I looked her up and guess what She had unblocked me.

And I did I wanted to message. Her, I wanted to message her, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it.

Why did she block me in the first place? Why did she unblock me?

Does she miss me? Is she going to be mean? Does she miss me or does she miss being mean to me?

Because she got to be really mean to me and get away with it and probably laughed about it a lot.

And I was looking through pictures because I haven’t looked at her stuff.

In a long time. And I was just like, man.

Dang. Let me feel weird. It made me feel really weird.

But I was so like anxious about all of it for about an hour so much that I went to the gas station and bought a tea.

Arizona tea And a fucking cigar. With my last 3 dollars

Because I really did. I really wanted to just message her and say, hey,

You’re all in my brains

But uh, she was really, really, really, really, really mean.

I think it was actually the other day. Oh yeah, when I was uh,

Was looking through my screenshots. And I had screenshotted like,

I was looking back through, uh, where I had drawn chickens everywhere. Yeah, that’s what it was. I was going to use them in a post I didn’t publish. And I came across some of my screenshots from 2023. And just reading the stuff that I had messaged her and what she replied back with. I’m just like,

Do you really want to open up? This can of worms? I mean, she can do whatever she wants and there’s nothing I can do is she can be as mean to me as she wants to be and I can’t handle it again. I just I don’t feel like I need to risk it.

Like, she might just be like, hey yeah, I love you, I miss you. And then she might just be like, even more mean than she was the last time.

It was. Really.

Absurd and it’s kind of funny, but it’s not. Like she drove me so crazy, right? I didn’t get to keep my kids on a regular basis for a year because of the shit. I practically missed a year of my kids lives.

Yeah, I did. I don’t think she realizes

How crazy? All this drove me and that I would still entertain. Like the possibility of talking to her, or be, you know, receptive to anything. Like if she would just be like, hey, Like a person at me because I get it. I don’t understand it, but I get it. Does that make sense? Have I said that before?

I don’t know. But uh, I just been thinking a lot about that because Nobody was as interesting to me as she was.

She just,

She’s really special, but what does that mean? You know how like, She’s specially. Gonna fucking drive me over the edge to where I, you know. I was. Last year was more depressed. Than I ever have been.

Since like 20. 17, I guess but like last year was really, really bad. It was like the Fallout from all the crap that had happened. And it always, it’s always the case. I’ve I’ve never seen it. Not be the case. Like, every chick.

And there’s I guess there’s only been 3 who affected me this much but my life gets ruined, you know that that it gets like to have that effect on me. You know, I married 1. You know, almost married the other My ex fiance I’m talking about my ex-wife and my ex fiance respectively and then I ran my ass off from the third 1, who is the Twin Flame chick and it ruined my life, all 3 times like I had to just I was just. Just obliterated, you know, my soul like I just had to start all over again.

Again again, you know?

And, uh, but that they just get to go live their best fucking lives ever. I know. My ex-wife is Yeah, she is and she’s happier than I’ve ever seen her. She looks great.

She’s, you know. She’s doing great. And then my ex fiance, she seems like she’s doing great. The last, I’ve looked at her stuff. I think it was yesterday because I was like, I wonder if she’s posted You know, any new videos she hasn’t. But uh, she seems to be doing great. Looks like a totally different person now. I mean kind of, uh,

Anyways, uh, yeah.

Um,

But she seems to be doing better than she’s ever done ever and it totally ruined my life. Completely. Absolutely. Just blew everything apart.

And it took a long, long time to get over that.

And about the time, I started to get over that you know I got going pretty well at the second car factory and until

The twin flame thing. Yeah, it happened. It’s picking up everything. Stupid. I’m kind of mumbling. I’m trying not to be loud.

But you know, she’s not at the second car factory anymore, I don’t know. She looks happy though from her pictures, and Stuff, and that’s great.

It’s absolutely that’s fantastic. You know it destroyed me but hey it’s like I said in another post, whatever imbalance existed I don’t know. I was barely holding everything together. As it was

You know, here’s this chick. Who wasn’t? Really wasn’t out of nowhere but it was really unexpected. How It just You know, I was barely Holding On And as it was and then Here Comes something else that it’s like what I have I’ve got to deal with this too? I don’t know.

And I couldn’t handle it.

I can’t handle like my brains aren’t a normal person’s brains.

It’s actually really sad.

But it disrupted my life.

In really weird crazy ways that Just it. I just sank into probably 1 of the deepest darkest holes I’ve ever been in. Ever, because of all that, and I’ve actually here the last few weeks been feeling great about myself. You know, especially this past week. I’m like, yeah.

I’ve been exercising, you know, I’ve been

Feeling a lot better about myself.

And, you know, I’m just minding my own business. And uh, fall asleep. A couple times yesterday and have these crazy dreams and

I don’t want her to do any more damage like if she wants to.

Be in my life.

In a healthy way. Yeah, where do I start? Like where do we start with that? You know do I just message her and be like, hey, I’m retarded. Do I wait for her to like is she she probably That would make me feel a lot better if she would. Take more of an initiative than unblocking me. It’s like, no, I’m not that daring.

Anymore. It’s

I guess I’m past the point. It’s like it’s not worth the trouble if it’s going to be a bunch of trouble. I don’t I can’t handle it. I just can’t and I shouldn’t have to. It’s not

I don’t function like that. I had enough of that, from my ex-wife, the drama. You know what I mean? Messing with my head and Fucking. Driving me crazy just to be mean.

All the shit that goes with that. Same thing with my ex fiance

And the lady after.

The 1 before Stephanie uh Hannah who has the same core numbers. Numerologically as the Twin Flame chick. Which is kind of terrifying. Yeah.

I just haven’t had a lot of positive romantic experiences with, you know, uh,

To make me feel confident. Or good about, you know,

Reaching out to somebody who’s already done a lot of mean, crazy shit. To me.

I’m sure she laughed her fucking ass off about it too.

But I didn’t get a good feeling.

Like looking through her stuff. It’s like, oh, she unblocked me but it’s like, well,

All she did was drive me, crazy and make me sad. And I made up a song about that which that’s like the chorus. I don’t know if somehow like, if she

Could somehow make me feel better about it. It’s not that.

It isn’t out of the realm of possibility, but I just can’t bring myself to I can’t make myself vulnerable like that again.

I guess because about the most worthless I ever felt was, uh, Because of all this twin flame stuff. It hasn’t like I’ve got some music. And art out of it. But, I mean,

I hope she’s okay, you know,

Oh, she has the best life. I hope she does.

But I’d think if she really wanted

To talk to me, she would should stop playing these fucking games. It drives me nuts and

Just don’t really.

Care to be.

Want to risk. Yeah. Being Care to risk. I don’t care. I don’t want to risk being. Ripped to pieces again, just because she would think it’s funny or something, I don’t know. I don’t know what goes through her head.

I really don’t, I don’t understand.

But I do know how it’s made me feel.

It’s like, uh,

I don’t know. It hasn’t made me feel great.

It actually hurt me a lot over and over and over.

And I don’t hate her or anything.

You know.

But,

What else can I say? I mean, yeah, she, if she really wanted to talk to me. She would

It’s not that complicated.

And if there’s some kind of like tests or like, you know,

If it’s still some kind of thing like that, I just I’m not interested. I don’t have to prove Myself. To anybody. These days, not really. I’ve got other stuff, I’ve got better things to do.

And I don’t care if I’m single the rest of my goddamn life. Yeah, I really don’t.

It’s just for me, it’s never been worth it and maybe I’ll eventually meet somebody who will Show me that. It’s worth it again. And it could be her if she would. I don’t, I don’t know.

But it hasn’t been up to this point. It’s like well, I mean, what does that mean? What do you want me to do? Like, what am I supposed to do? I would be open. To communicating with her directly. If

It wasn’t just going to be a bunch of crazy bullshit and I don’t know, 1 way or the other You know, if that’s what it would be. But I know. From the, you know, past interactions that it has. That’s all it’s been. So what would any future interactions?

Yield, Right?

Yeah, like It’s not a risk. I’m willing to take at this point.

Not today.

But yeah, she should, she could totally just message me and be like, hey person. I’m a person. Let’s be people, you know? That would be

Great, haha

5:42 AM
Yep.

Hello.

Well, that’s that’s what’s been on my mind for the last 6 hours or so.

Thank you, please.