MONDAY AFTERNOON

2:29 PM

You know, with enough practice, uh, Yeah, I’m actually my voice has improved.

Considerably, it’s crazy.

Just the last, what? 4 days I’ve been doing this. When did I? When did I start practicing a whole bunch so Friday. Uh,

I got a tire. Yeah, I practiced Friday.

And Saturday. Before and after Eric’s. And then, uh, yesterday all day long and then today,

I think I when did I get up here about 11:00 something? Yeah, and

I don’t know, man. I’m really just kind of Happy. To be working on my stuff and

The Twin Flame chick.

Drove me pretty fucking crazy last week, and I’m just wondering if she’s going to peck on my blog or do anything this week. I don’t know it.

I don’t know. I don’t know what any of that means. I never figure anything out.

She never leaves me alone.

Like, she’ll leave me alone sometimes for a month or 2 and then you know, sometimes not

She left me alone for a long time. Last year until, uh, I started that job at Target.

And then she started coming back in my brains and pecking on my blog.

And she left me alone for a little bit and then she unblocked me on Facebook. Last week was it last week?

Or was that the week before last already gosh. Yeah, it was like 2 weeks ago.

And because the shutdown week, yeah, just flew by And it was a 4 day week for me last week and this is a 2 day week. Work week. I don’t have to go back to work till Wednesday.

And I’m off Friday. And so I just work Wednesday and Thursday, but

Oh my god, dude. It’s I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why she can’t just like message me or something. She has to fuck with my head. And I don’t even know, like,

I don’t understand, I get it but I don’t understand. But at the same time, it’s like look all this ever does. Is make me feel like shit because I never figure anything out. It’s almost like I’m not supposed to because the end result is always the same. It just makes me feel like I missed something. And it made me feel awful. But,

I actually saw her in person.

Oh gosh. Saturday before last wasn’t it?

And she wouldn’t even look at me. It was so like

Crazy. It was pouring down rain. And, you know, in Guntersville of all places. And it’s just like, you know,

I don’t know how to talk about all this. I don’t know where to start, you know. I don’t, I don’t.

It’s but it has been, it’s been eating at me a lot lately. Like the past week or so.

Really, ever since she unblocked me.

And, I just don’t it’s not that I don’t trust it. Yeah, it’s that I don’t. On 1 hand on the other. It’s like,

She’s just done so much mean stuff to me like why is any other time ever going to be any different? I don’t understand it.

And uh, You know, I don’t Hate her or anything like that. I hope she’s happy. I hope her life is like the best, you know, like ever. I just don’t understand what she wants from me. You know, I really don’t. So

Because if this was like, A normal thing or something, right? We would already Like what does she want from me?

You would think if she wanted anything, you know, real or something. That would have already happened. Yeah. And I, you know, and I just think the whole thing is crazy. But even more that she never leaves me alone. And like, about the time I start,

Practically forgetting about it. And doing other crap. She comes back. I wasn’t thinking about anything, uh, That week remember I had. Um, I actually made I think a post about it. I had a couple of dreams about her which hadn’t happened in a while and

Uh and she got all into my brains 1 night, and I was like well, so I’m still blocked on Facebook, she’s still got me blocked on Facebook. Nope, she unblocked me and, you know, I’m so afraid to message her and it’s not that it’s just how ridiculous she fucking got about it and how mean, You know and it’s like why do I want to subject myself to this crap? You know, why do I like, what is this? Even what even is this?

I don’t know. But I know the effect it has on me and it sucks.

And,

I know I’ve cried about her more than I cried over my ex-wife. Yeah, and my ex fiance

I mean does she just think that’s funny or something?

But it has it has disrupted my life so much. It’s it’s insane. And I don’t know what. I don’t really want to. Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it anymore, really? Oh, it just gets in Gets into my head. You know, it’s like God.

Stop torturing me. God damn it. I have stuff to do.

I think I’m going to practice uh my acoustic set, the 1 in C standard and uh see how that everything feels after playing it in standard tuning. Yeah.

But I wonder if she knows where my storage unit is now, You know that I turned around in this parking lot when I passed by her car,

Oh, so crazy because I’ve seen Well, a a handful of those cars driving around here and I’ll turn around sometimes and follow them and it’s never her. But this time something told me to follow it and I did and it was her and

You know, that really did bother me, but it also made me feel all kinds of crazy. Like, almost had another goddamn nervous breakdown after I saw her.

And that she wouldn’t even look at me. It’s like she couldn’t look at me. It was so

Made me feel awful. You know, it’s like all this stuff after all the stuff.

All the mean crazy stuff. And she can’t even Can even look at me.

I don’t I don’t know like that’s like I don’t want to, I don’t want to talk about it anymore, you know. And then it just I  keep talking about it. Hahaha

Yeah, but that’s you know that’s what’s been going on with me the last week or so with that. That’s why I didn’t make. Any posts for a few days? I was like, processing all that.

It just shouldn’t be this hard. You know, it shouldn’t have to be this. It’s just way too over complicated. And, You know. Okay. I didn’t do a bunch of mean stuff to her. I ran away. You know? And I know that I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help any of that.

That’s more of a testament to how screwed up. I was

And it sucks if I could go back and do things differently, you know? I mean.

I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to feel or how what to think about any of it right now. But,

It’s just ridiculous.

And that I still care about her, you know?

Oh, I do.

But I don’t know.

How much I need to like, how much energy, you know? I mean I just don’t you know, to devote to this anymore. It hasn’t done anything. But hurt me. And ruined my goddamn life. Yep.

And it’s been over 2 years since I saw her in person. I mean, I’ve got a bag full of stuff, she left around the apartment complex. Well, not like a big bag or anything, but like a little stack of things. And it’s just,

You know, it could have been really great. I don’t know what went through her head. Why she decided she would just do all this mean stuff. I couldn’t handle it. I don’t know like maybe she thought it was funny you know maybe a normal dude could have handled it or something but Anyways, you know

I finally messaged, everybody back, who messaged me over the weekend, Hahaha, it’s really funny.

You know, I’m tired. I really am tired. I don’t think I’m going to do anything tomorrow.

I think I’m going to probably. Like, go over my set again on my acoustic.

And probably call it a wrap. Yeah.

Yep.

And just get a good night’s sleep.

And get a good night’s sleep again, tomorrow. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. Thank you. Please.