MONDAY OMG

4:51 AM
Hello. Yep, I’m in the parking. Lot of work.

Um, it’s Monday.

I’m broke.

The next. What today, and tomorrow and Wednesday is going to be hard. Yeah, but you know it’s it’s my own fault.

I didn’t realize Saturday was a full moon. Hahaha that probably explains a lot.

I don’t know, I guess there is that chick. I like that 1 chick in this whole plant who I finally, you know, I probably should just talk to her. But then the thought about actually doing it. Makes me really nervous.

I woke up this morning. Feeling nervous, actually. But I don’t know where that was coming from, you know,

And I think about all the stuff and all the ladies I ran from there was this really, really cute sweet lady. I worked with at the chicken plant last year and I started talking to her for a little bit and then I had like a twin flame episode. Yeah, that’s kind of

Where do I start? You know, but it’s like, I ended up just not. I ended up ruining it. Yeah, I think I ended up just not talking asking her out. Yeah. I stopped talking to her and I could tell it like, made her feel weird because it’s like, I was all we were all just like hanging out and laughing and talking and then all of a sudden I just kind of

You know, started hiding from her. I don’t know.

Hell, she even sent me a friend request last year, on my other account, I was using an account with my name, like my regular name. And I just thought I needed something, you know, new I guess but uh, you know, and even then after that, I still couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.

And stuff like that makes me feel really bad about myself. It’s like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

A lot. I guess. I don’t know and I don’t really feel like I’m all that great, either

But at least I got to work really early.

I was thinking about that actually, on the way up here. I was like, you know, I don’t really don’t, I just don’t care about myself. Like a normal person, otherwise, I’d be doing better, right?

Yeah, it’s

I guess it’s kind of sad. And I’ve been given some really great opportunities but I fucked all of them up yet here I am, I’ve got another great opportunity.

It’s just I guess I get.

Discouraged because it’s like, you know what’s going to ruin this? I don’t really feel like. Well, that’s what I actually have. I felt last year I thought, you know, well I fucked everything up. It’s time to die and I was I was going to  drown myself in the ocean until my mom started doing a bunch of crazy shit and got us kicked out of the apartment.

And of course, I felt horrible about that. Then, you know, I couldn’t really take care of her anymore and Took her to my sisters and she died. At My sister’s.

She starved herself to death at my sister’s. Yeah, to death. I think, uh, I don’t even think she weighed 100 pounds. Yeah, my mom. Was like almost 6 foot tall, you know?

That bothers me a lot actually.

I have Ramen for breakfast.

I guess it’s not going to be that bad.

I’ve got the best parking spot in the whole parking lot too haha.

Yeah, I don’t know.

I also worry about like any potential, you know. Love interest or whatever. I worry about them fitting in with the kids.

I worry about them getting along with my daughter and her approval. Matters more to me than anything else.

Yeah, that that matters. More than anything.

She’s got a lot of her mom in her too, like, the good stuff about my ex-wife. Like, uh, her intelligence and Discernment abilities and practical sense?

Yeah.

I don’t know.

I’m just like hanging out here. I know I talk really loud and my car is not running and everything’s quiet. Everyone can probably hear me. It’s Monday when I got here I thought well there’s still going to be cars in the parking lot from the other shift but it’s like oh wait it’s Monday. Haha

Yeah.

Um, but I hope today goes really great and people leave me alone. That’s what I hope.

I don’t know, I just get through today and tomorrow and Wednesday and then I get paid and I’m always happy when I have money. I’m always kind of sad when I don’t.

But,

I do, I’ll just I don’t know how to handle money. I mean, I just never have I just spend it if I have it and then it’s all gone. I don’t plan for the future

And then I feel bad. I feel bad about myself. For being broke or for spending. All my money on alcohol and

Uh, Pizza this weekend. Well, I got hot dogs Friday night, but that was all my money there, too. Yeah, I used like what I got from the sink drain pump job. I bought a coffee drink and a cigar Saturday. I know. I just scrounged up a dollars worth of change. It was the last Dollar. I could find anywhere. Um, and I bought another cigar. Because that will give me an opportunity to go out and smoke and then when I come back, that’s what happened. Friday actually.

I went into the, uh, Cafeteria, there’s 2 cafeterias. I went to the other 1. And got some uh blueberries and yogurt, and grapes and stuff and I was walking back.

Into my break room. And there she was like, walking into the plant. I was like shit. And if I would have been a little later, or she would have been a little sooner, our paths would have like crossed, exactly. And I would have been like, hey, but they didn’t. If I had just waited for like a second. I got so nervous though. And I felt really bad about that because she looked really really sad.

Uh, leaving the plant Friday. I was waiting in the, uh, Cafeteria.

Just hanging out waiting until like after 5:00. To use the gym

And I saw her walk by like 4:45 and she just looked so sad and I thought. Dang. Why didn’t I talk to her this morning, what the hell’s wrong with me, you know?

And, you know, sometimes I feel like I don’t belong like, around people.

I’m so messed up socially. It makes me hate myself

I don’t know.

I wonder how much longer I’m going to live? You know, I wonder about that. I mean.

What else is there for me to do? I think about, you know, my music, you know, I’m focused on my music but

I can only do that so much.

And then I get burned out on it.

Because I don’t know, I guess I’ve never.

When you fail at things over and over and over and over it, you know, it just, it does it messes with your like, Expectations. I still don’t understand how the Twin Flame chick and I didn’t end up together.

That was a big source of like, severe depression last year. Because it did it made me feel really worthless. I never could figure any of her stuff out and I’m like, well I’m obviously a fucking stupid piece of shit. But I’m not, I mean she was doing.

Piece of shit things to me. I don’t know. Like I don’t, I don’t know what.

I don’t know why I exist. Yeah, that’s kind of what everything comes down to you know.

Like, why am I here? I mean.

I was born, I guess. Is it that simple? You know.

I’m here just because 2 people got together and made a baby?

Almost uh, what well, I guess it would have to be 45 years ago. Well, I was born in September, so I mean, I was probably conceived in like around probably on New Year’s Eve or something. Haha Yeah, for real.

But I never really got to get out and do stuff. Like I was never free in my, you know, early adult.

Years because I was with my ex-wife, I didn’t really think much else about it, you know? Uh,

Because it was just. Ever since when we moved in together after that, it was just all like about her whatever she wanted. You know us to do. I mean I remember We had been living together for a couple years. It was 2005 and all her friends were getting engaged and all this stuff and getting married. And uh, she woke me up 1 morning like at 3:00 a.m. hitting me. Like, where’s my fucking ring? You fucking asshole. And uh,

She had it all picked out. She had the whole thing all planned out, what she wanted me to do and how she wanted me to do it. And she wanted a nice ring, you know, and I didn’t really have a lot of money. I mean, I was like Working for my dad on the side and going to class, but

It just kind of happened, I just kind of was like, you know, It ended up her dad. Had a,

A ring, I can’t remember exactly. But like, we had it put on a different, uh, the stone put on a different ring because she didn’t like gold. She wanted white gold, which I, you know I don’t like gold all yellowy colors and shit. Anyways. But uh, Hell, it was like a almost a karat, you know, it was

About a $4,000 fucking engagement ring. Yeah. It was and, uh, that’s that’s how she got her engagement ring and her dad actually like called her and ruined. The whole thing I was going to propose to her that night. She was so mad at her dad and mad at me.

So I just got upset about the whole thing cuz she was being Kind of bratty. Yeah. And I got mad and picked a big fight with her. Well, I didn’t have to pick much of anything. She was all it was already.

And then I just, you know, proposed to her. Kind of being in the heat of a, you know, the big stupid argument? We were having I think like all this is such a blur to me now, but Uh, that’s how we got engaged. And then she got to immediately go from that to planning her wedding. That’s what she wanted to do. And it was we had a big crazy wedding at Classics on Noble Street in Anniston, yeah. And uh, you know, I mean, she had it all like planned out what she wanted and what kind of Life she wanted and all this stuff she wanted 2 kids. She got 2 kids. She got a girl first. That’s what she wanted. And then a boy. And she got exactly what she wanted. Except The the the crazy thing was that she didn’t expect was going to happen, was me getting into business with my dad and us moving up to Sand Mountain.

That. Was not in her plans and that caused a lot of

Conflict. Yeah, and it just got worse and I wasn’t happy doing that either. I could have handled like my ex-wife. Or being in business with my dad, but I couldn’t handle both. And a lot of times, sometimes it would get to me. It’d be like, why am I even handling any of this? You know, cuz my dad he had plans, you know, he had expectations and shit. He wanted me to do too. Isn’t that crazy? That’s the kind of parent my dad. Is he was a

5:08 AM
A very possessive controling person. And he never left me alone.

And uh, You know, I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t got into business with him because his health and he had worked so hard, You know, and he just basically just manipulated me into doing it because You know, I had a regular job fixing vacuum cleaners. I did during the week, and I made enough money and my, you know, with my ex-wife, her stipend from going, you know, she got from Grad school.

Uh, we were comfortable but my dad. Couldn’t keep doing the workload and he would pay me more on the weekends. I would work for him, like, Saturday and Sunday. You know, Drive 2 hours up there to, you know, his shop and uh,

Yeah, I would make more money in a weekend like a a lot more like twice as much sometimes as I did during the week and I didn’t know what to do, you know? I was like and he just wouldn’t leave me alone. So I ended up like fine I’ll get into business with my dad and I did and when I told my ex-wife about it she didn’t It was bad. Yeah, and my miserly ass uncle was selling his house. All this happened around the same time and it was actually more out of a sense of Duty and responsibility for some reason. That’s what I that’s how I felt.

You know, I wanted to make my dad proud and I was always this, I don’t know. There wasn’t anything wrong with me. Just relative to his expectations. Same thing with my ex-wife, you know, I loved her more than anything. I say all this crap. But I fucking

She’s all. I thought about all the time I loved her so much and so I was like, you know, okay whatever she wants to do. And I couldn’t imagine life without her either. And so, it just, uh, Gosh, I just didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I was setting myself up for a lot of stuff, down the road and when everything fell apart. You know, shit. A decade later.

Uh,

I blamed, you know, myself. For something that, you know, I really I was just playing a part. In other people’s dreams. You know. And it wasn’t.

Really in line with, uh, Who I am as a person, but You know, I did, I just kind of put myself aside and everything I wanted to do with my life because I really just wanted to be an artist.

And a musician and live like that, you know, and uh, oh, it just messed me up so bad. Just

I guess I felt like after the divorce and everything it’s too late but it’s not but that’s how I felt for a long time and then it was really up until last year and stuff. I started well maybe it’s not too late when I got out and started playing those Open Mic nights But I’m just so screwed up socially. And a lot of that has to do with the fact that I was on a lot of medication for a long time and then I got so isolated in my brains living in the farmhouse. I’m just like, you know, why am I the way I am right now and I start to thinking, you know, I had a

Totally different life, a whole bunch of stuff. And,

Yeah, there’s pretty good reasons. I guess why I am I felt so worthless like after the divorce. You know, I just felt like I failed my whole life was just a waste. Of it, you know, except for the kids.

And that’s really the only time I’m truly happy is when I’m with my kids.

And I would go back and do everything the exact same. You know way, uh, Just because my kids are so dang, awesome. Because my ex-wife really is a, you know, she’s a really badass chick too. It’s just You know, it sucks. Sucks. All that?

Didn’t work out. I only wanted to love 1 woman forever. And uh, she’s who I thought I got. And I was okay with that. You know.

But I was just suffocating under like, you know, my dad and his expectations in the business and I mean I heard it every day how just you know nothing I ever did was good enough. I was just this big fuck up.

You know, I was so depressed.

I didn’t know, you know it’s like what the fuck am I?

People people walking by, haha you know, can probably hear me, you know, that’s how I feel. I was like, you know, what the fuck am I even? What do I even exist for, you know?

I guess, if I could go back to any 1 point in my life it would be probably

You know, I don’t know. Yeah, there’s a there’s a few things. But I know, I wish my mom was still alive. And that things would have been a lot better for her.

I don’t know. I don’t know what else to say. I mean there’s a lot but I really need to just go ahead and go in the plant and edit this stuff and eat my Ramen. And uh, you know, if The Fate’s align and I end up talking to that chick today, you know. Yeah, that’s cool. If not I mean

She seems like a really sweet awesome lady. Yeah. And she’s always by herself too. I don’t ever see her walking around or talking to anybody either.

Um, I don’t know. Yeah, it’s 5:15 a.m. And,

There’s a lot more I could say, but I really just I’m kind of tired of talking. But yeah, I mean I guess there is like a lot, there’s really good legitimate reasons why I’m the way I am. And, uh, I don’t know. I think this week would be a good start to like, uh, Not spend all of my money with the kids, even though I’m going to spend a lot of money because my son wants a drone and we’ll probably stay in a hotel Friday night. Yeah, I don’t know.

I almost hate to ask my ex-wife if I can borrow 20 more dollars. But I might try. I just don’t want to piss her off. I Can Tell She’s just like well actually the last time when I borrowed I borrowed, $40 from her, I think it was Friday or Thursday or something. And she was, like, please let this just be the last time for a while because, you know, she knows why she knows why I don’t ever have any money.

Because I’m stupid with it. Yeah. Haha, I don’t know. Um,

You know.

Thank you, please.