WEDNESDAY

3:10 AM
Hello.

Gosh, I just woke up.

I said well, um,

Maybe 30 minutes ago and I laid here for a while.

Sometimes I feel like my life is coming to an end and everything’s

Winding down, you know.

That’s how it felt when I woke up. I was like, oh, gosh. How much longer do I have left? And I’m trying not to talk too loud.

What do you mean is this world? You know. What even it’s like,

I think part of that though is I just, I’m so out of touch with everything. I was thinking about that yesterday, after the shift ended, we had to do a bunch of crap. Um, it was like we had to

Map out our processes or something. And make sure we were all doing them up to like the work standard. Which we have these books, that detail, how to do the process. And we had to like

I guess, streamline the steps. Because the way we were doing them, uh, we had to like, Match the paperwork, with the way we were doing. Them. And because we did them differently and everybody does it the same though. So it was like, we just had to change the paperwork basically. And so we were there. We got like an hour and a half overtime I didn’t get out of there till after 5:00 p.m. And uh I was just like hey everybody was talking about stuff, you know how people talk? And I’m just like I can’t relate to any of this.

It’s really crazy. Like

Like my interests at large, you know how people The stuff people talk about and the things that people care about I’m like,

I’m just like raw energetic output, you know, it’s it’s crazy. There’s only a handful of things that really interest me anymore.

I used to be like other people, you know, I used to be a lot more normal. Like all I care about now is uh, my kids.

And just existing and keeping myself occupied in between the weekends, I get my kids Pretty much this blog is part of that but it’s remarkable because I’m aware. I’m Very introspective and I have a

I guess a well-developed degree. Of awareness of self.

Yeah.

And uh, but like I just I don’t I’m not interested in.

In things, a lot of things.

And some of that is like,

Just,

Because I, you know, I was in like, survival mode. I guess. I hate to use those words, it’s like a buzz term or something.

For so long. Like I just I have not gotten used to like, normal life, like living For example, this house that I live in now. This is the nicest.

Probably all around coolest place. I’ve lived since the divorce. And I just I’m I got so used to living shitty

That’s uh, it’s been an adjustment. Yeah, it really has it’s like Things are actually pretty good right now.

How about a nice comfy bed? I said I have a nice. Yeah I have that. I didn’t have that I slept in a cot. Yeah, for fucking Almost 3 years and then I slept on my mom’s couch, For 2 years or in the floor, you know?

And uh,

Gosh.

I thought about my mom a lot yesterday.

But I had some really crazy dreams last night, that’s what. Yeah, I woke up. Like what the hell? I was, um, You know, Aussie. I was born died, I guess. Was it Aussie Osborne?

Aussie, you know.

Jesus really?

Aussie.

Yeah. Okay. Ozzy Osbourne. Well anyways, he died what last week or something. Maybe a couple weeks ago. And uh, I don’t know why he was in my dream. He wanted me to play guitar on his next Tour. I was like, what happened to Zach? Wilde.

And uh,

He was like it doesn’t matter. I was like, I don’t even know how to play Crazy Train I only know that intro. You know. And he was like, it doesn’t matter, you’re just just use your, you know, I trust your creativity. I like your style. Haha And I was supposed to like like fly out to England and rehearse with him for like a week and then go on tour. And uh, I thought that was it was like real as shit too. It was so funny. I thought he was just messing with me at first.

And I woke up and I was like I was the last thing that happened before I woke up. I was like, what the heck? It was kind of funny though and then I remembered, uh, That, I guess the CD that Zach Wilde, put out, it was called, Pride and Glory. And uh it was actually it had cows on the cover, it was a pretty decent album. It had  a few really good songs.

I remember the hidden track or the last track or something, it was called hate your guts. And uh, I always got a kick out of that song when I was like, 14.

And then it, you know, when I woke up I started thinking about all that.

And uh, like part of my Consciousness was like,

I guess, uh, suddenly resonant with You know how I was in the early 90s early mid 90s like 94.

You know, 93 94, I can’t remember where 1 of those years. I think it was 94 when that album came out.

I think it might have been.

I could have I could just look it up on my other phone, but

I’m not going to right now.

But uh, yeah, when I woke up I was like, oh wait, he died. Yeah. Is not the first time a Celebrity has visited my dreams

And it got me to thinking about my whole life. But especially the early 90s

Because like back then even back then my dad was dragging me out working. And doing stuff. I remember, uh,

Like, it was like a week after, um,

School ended like in 8th grade. Yeah, 8th grade and I was like Installing this, uh,

Breaker thing. Uh, at a chicken farm. I remember I was digging out like this trench And my allergies were acting up all the ammonia and stuff from the chicken houses.

Oh gosh. I Remember and I had to do that for like 2 or 3 days and I finally got used to it where I wasn’t like

All fucked up from that but it just hit me. It’s like, man.

But yeah, like I do. I wonder why the hell I am here and

What really is like.

Anything anyways.

But Ozzy that was like towards the end of my dream and I was like, you know, but I woke up uh, and I was Just started thinking about everything from

When I was, like 13 and 14. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Yeah, I don’t know. It’s like from a really young age but like

Started thinking about like the early mid 90s, particularly when I woke up and like what my life was like, I had a bunch of chickens, and they were all named And I didn’t fit in at all in school. I was, I’ve always been like this weirdo. And when I was growing up, like in uh I went to this really tiny school. Up until ninth grade. And then I went to this bigger High School. I thought it was like the biggest place I had ever been in. It was in Boaz, Alabama and it was uh, you know, it was 2 stories. I thought that was just so huge. But um, like kindergarten through ninth grade, I was this weirdo. You know that nobody really liked And that imprint just shaped how I related to people the rest of my life like It did because when I got into High School, everybody liked me because I was weird and I didn’t know how to handle it.

And uh it’s still that’s still the case. Yeah.

And I push people away and I don’t let people in And I don’t know how to be different. Sometimes I’ll get You know, I’ll be up, you know, with like my brains like Happy or something. And It’s uh, you know, I’m a lot more inclusive. I guess. I don’t know what else to say about that, but most of the time I’m

Well, I’ve been in such like I now I just don’t know how to pull myself out of this like the

Crap that I fell into especially after I met my ex fiance

Is. I guess I just, I can’t talk about loud. I don’t feel like Right now, because it’s 3:23 a.m.

But I don’t, I don’t know, I don’t know what comes next after this like life.

And,

That’s kind of where I’ve been at, you know, because the Twin Flame thing. Drove me so crazy. I didn’t get to see my kids on a regular basis for a year. It’s like they don’t need me. Yeah, they don’t. You know, nobody really does and

I’m just like, Existing.

Most of the time and my music and all that stuff. I don’t really do a lot of art right now.

But, uh, sometimes I do.

Like graffiti type shit though mostly. But like my music and all. I’m just so tired of all my songs. And I’ve had some problems with my voice this summer.

That’s been a little frustrating which just goes back. I think I mentioned in another post when You know, like whatever dreams or goals I have just keeps getting fucked up over and over and over. It’s like well I’m still not ready to get out and play an open mic night or do anything like that. I had a cold. I fought this like sinus crud for about a month. And that fucked with my voice.

And uh, but I didn’t have that problem last year. Like my voice was in top shape and I was Um,

You know, I was getting out. And playing stuff, but what fucked that up was, uh,

Mom, my mom. You know, being crazy and getting this kicked out and uh, I just, I lost like, with money and stuff. I had to like,

I don’t know, I lost my storage unit access. You know, if that if you pay it late I had to pay it late for like 3 months straight. They put a lock on it after the 10th. I finally got it back in July of last year.

And my voice I couldn’t practice at the apartment. I could only practice in my storage unit? So

Um, my storage unit. Yeah. So like it got out of shape. Again, it’s not, it’s in okay shape right now. Like I could probably get out and play a few songs.

I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do though. Like cuz sometimes I just feel

I just feel like,

I’ve done all. I came here to do.

Of course, I felt like that for a while.

You know.

That’s 1 reason why I tried to kill myself. I guess it’s been over 8 years ago.

I don’t want to talk about that.

But yeah, it’s crazy. Now like I just, I don’t know how to do what I want to do, but what do I even want to do? I know last like, Saturday all I wanted to do was eat pizza and drink and get drunk and binge. Watch Twin Peaks, you know, That’s uh,

Yeah.

I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. Like Not just my body but like, like in my soul. It’s tired. Too. Yeah, it’s like Jesus. Fuck a cross.

Jesus. Fucking Christ. Just pick up everything wrong.

But I have been a lot lately. It’s like I wonder how much longer I’m going to be here.

3:28 AM
I, I remember, um, I was listening to this thing on NPR. It’s been Gosh, 15 years ago, probably. Maybe not that long ago it I think it was when uh my daughter was a baby. So, it was almost That long ago, but I was listening to this uh,

I can’t remember which.

Program. It was, but it was interviewing this guy, and they were talking about do overs. With their life. That’s what they called it and um, I can’t remember they reached that conclusion somehow that they would call it a do over. But this guy was talking about, like, when he was in his 40s like his early 40s, you know, he wanted every second, he could get, you know, to live, he wanted like, You know, just all the time in the universe like he wanted all that he wanted it to last forever. But then when he was in his early 50s or whatever, like, you know, after a decade or so passed, he didn’t have that. He didn’t, you know,

Didn’t look at it that way anymore. He was like, yeah it’s it’s time to go let somebody else. He likened it to a party, you know, let somebody else have a go with the spinach dip, you know?

It’s like yeah, that’s kind of how I feel.

I can’t really teach my kids. Anything they are so much better than I am. And uh, All I do is when I get them, we just go blow. All my money on crap. And we have a lot of fun and that’s it. You know, I don’t teach them anything it’s like, You know, you guys want to be twenty thousand dollars behind on child support? Let me tell you how to do it.

You know, you want to get your car repossessed? Here’s how like like what can I teach my kids?

You know, I love them and And uh,

I went right as in like, You know, I just let them be themselves and, you know

They’ll take care of the rest. Yeah.

I guess just to support them with unconditional love and the magic. That’s what I was, I guess I mean I am but When I was married you know and stuff. That’s what I was my ex-wife was the

She’s the Practical. She was the Practical 1? Yeah. She still. Is she like, you know, as in like she gets them enrolled in all the extracurricular stuff. And has the stable Foundation, you know, material Foundation, you know, and I’m like the invisible. You know, the magic

Gosh. Yeah, I thought I just said I was just thinking though, like

Just instill a sense of that into a person and then that, you know, your work is done.

And I was thinking, you know, the best part of my life has been my kids and the dogs. And my chickens, when I was younger,

Romance, you know, love and Relationships and stuff. Women have just completely destroyed my fucking spirit.

Oh, you know, including my will to live.

Yesterday I was uh and there is this, you know, I mean there’s a few ladies from work but there’s the 1 in particular. That I just still, I can’t bring myself to talk to her. And uh, she comes in every morning.

About the same time sometimes, But you know, anywhere between as early as 6:12. I’ve seen her uh There’s my alarm.

And I’ve seen her come in as late as 6:45 before. And she’s, uh, She looks like a really sweet cool chick, you know, like she’s different than the rest of Than the rest of them there. I’m going to have to edit this.

Uh,

But I’ve been avoiding her and I should have talked to her last Friday. Like, oh my God, I should have But, uh, she came in today and they changed our break room around and used to. I had this wide open view of everybody who came by, like like everybody who comes in the plant goes by our break room. And, uh, pretty much yeah and um, But they, they changed everything. So I don’t I like can like see her for a second. Uh, you know, coming in front of me and then I have to like turn around and look at her go past. And uh, yesterday I looked up just I just happened to glance up, right? As she was coming. Down the, uh, The walkway part by our breakroom. Well, it’s actually it’s further away, but And our eyes met for a second. And she got this kind of mean, look on her face. I really couldn’t. I was afraid to like, analyze it too deeply. I was afraid to look at her like longer than a second and I just, it just freaked me out. And I thought, you know, and she passed by and I felt like worthless bulshit.

But I just thought, what is

I’m really, really screwed up. Like I just can’t.

You know. I just think about all the crazy bullshit women have put me through.

Oh my God. It just I can’t like that’s why I’ve been single for 4 and a half years. It’s not because, you know,

I can’t get anybody. It’s because I fucking run from it. I’m so like, oh my God. And then after I just Gotta talk about this too much, right?

Yeah.

Just makes me feel bad because it would be great.

To fall in love one last time. Just 1 more time. And it not be a bunch of bullshit

You know, and she seems pretty like great.

Of course, that’s what I thought about the Twin Flame chick, you know? I should really just tell that whole story and just leave it, you know, it. It’s Pretty fucking ridiculous. Yeah.

I don’t feel like doing that right now but uh I don’t know. I’m just

The way my ex-wife treated me, the last 2 years, I was married really messed me up when you love somebody. You know so much that like

I don’t know they gain this? Retarded amount of fucking power over your brains, or at least, in my case, you know, And uh, it was just so crazy because she was, she was always, you know, Mean, and selfish. But like, it wasn’t.

Well, it was, yeah, it was pretty awful for a lot. A lot of the time.

And she just didn’t really care about like my needs or wants or like she didn’t care about what I wanted. She like, tolerated, it you know but she didn’t give a shit.

She really just wanted kids out of me.

That’s a another story. But, uh,

I don’t know, it would be nice to not be so screwed up. And just be able to like talk to a chick and fall in love 1 last time. You know. Cuz I really don’t think I’m going to be here, you know, I don’t know. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be here.

I really don’t.

As in like I just don’t know if there’s A reason for me to be here or like, you know, like live to be 80, you know. I don’t think that’s going to happen. I really can’t see myself living to be 50. I’m not so far away from that.

And I am really, really tired. As in like, You know, I’m in a similar situation where I was at when I started the second car factory, you know, I was going to get into a maintenance program. And do all that stuff. And I can do that where I’m at now. It’s just

It’s just taking me that much longer. It’s like when you um,

Play a video game, you know, and it’s kind of hard and you get really far in it and then like, but you die, and you have to start over and you’ve already done all this shit, but you have to do it again. Like all this stuff and it was hard and it sucked but you made it through. But then, you know? You had to start all over.

And that’s where I’m at right now. It’s like, gosh.

Again.

And but then it was like, it was all because of this fucking chick. You know.

I was in college and I fucked all that up for my ex fiance and well because of my ex fiance Yeah. And uh I mean like who does this shit though?

You know.

Falls in love with a chick. And she flies me up to meet her. And I’m only supposed to stay the weekend and she gets into my phone and turns off my alarms. So I oversleep and miss my return flight like what the fuck, who the fuck does that? You know.

And I mean it’s just like, gosh.

It’s, you know, beyond discouraging. And then I finally like 3 years after that happened,

Uh, 3 and a half years after that happened. I finally land in a place where it’s like, well maybe I can have something Because really all I ever wanted was like, I said a normal. Yeah, stable Foundation to facilitate like You know.

A platform I guess. Yeah. Just for like

You know, stability for the kids. I don’t know. It’s not that it’s I don’t think it was that

Um,

Crazy of a goal. You know, and just something always comes along but uh,

And fucks it up and and what’s so crazy about the second car factory. Is because I have been thinking about this a lot because I’m so fuckin tired right now, even though I’m awake. It’s like my body is just

Oh, it’s just so heavy. Like, oh my God. Oh God. When I got done from at like when I got off work yesterday,

It was all I could do to walk to my car. I know I’m just like, oh my God, I’m so

So tired.

And uh,

I get paid today though, that’s going to help.

Yeah, it’s just been really hard to um,

To get excited, you know, to to have hope. Because it’s like I’m just having to do all this again and I’m hanging in there though. But uh you know what, fucked up the second car factory wasn’t that I got Mixed up with a chick like in a conventional sense. It’s because I ran away from her. It’s because we didn’t

And uh but at the same time she just wouldn’t understand that. Like maybe there was something wrong with this guy not that he was a piece of shit. I still.

I still don’t understand. Yeah, but like

You know, I just think about all this crap because I am And it’s just taking me that much longer and it’s all, you know, all I wanted was just a it’s just for the kids, you know, it’s not If it wasn’t for, Like, I don’t care about myself.

I really don’t which is kind of why I’m you know another reason but it’s it’s been hard because everything I’ve wanted to do like for myself personally you know has just gotten. It’s like no, you don’t. You don’t get to do that. And I finally like I got all this off time this summer and all this shit I was going to do my music and then my voice starts fucking up.

And it is, it’s discouraging. It’s all, what am I supposed to do?

You know, be tired.

3:44 AM
Get fucking shit face drunk, and like have crazy dreams then wake up and be like what You know, oh, Blow all my money on food. And, Like the kids, I spend all my money on the kids and then on food. Like, I don’t know, I don’t even. And then my brains are all like Stupid and I have a hard time articulating things compared to how I used to be.

I don’t know, you know, it’s like I’m saying, like, how much longer am I going to be here? I don’t know. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes, but my life is not bad. Like it’s really not. It’s just all the inside crap.

I’m just really. Really tired.

But yeah, like it, it would be great to

Following up 1 last time. Fall in love one last time you piece of shit out. App. God, I’ve got to just edit the crap out of this. It’s going to suck.

Well, I’ve got about 45 minutes to edit This article that has 3 time stamps on it now.

But yeah, I don’t know. I just, I just feel like I’m so screwed up. You know.

I mean things could be way worse, it just Makes me feel like crap because I do I really like that chick, she seems really cool. But I’m just I’m so messed up. And it’s

It makes me hate myself.

Thank you, please.