M ON D AY

11:13 AM
Well.

Yeah, I guess so.

I haven’t really made a post since last Wednesday. Yeah, that was I have

Been really sad. I have all weekend.

Got really, really drunk. And stayed drunk all weekend. It was

It was okay but it flew by really fast.

So there is, there’s that chick, I like from work. I know it never like it. Never does.

I don’t know what I’m doing ever, but

Typically, I don’t have a lot in common with people from any workplace.

And all this goes through my head, you know, while I’m like existing there but this chick’s really, like She seems different.

And uh, I still like I was going to make her something. She wears a helmet and I call her helmet girl. And I don’t know what to do about that. Like, I thought about making her an origami chicken with a helmet. And being like, I made you a chicken Wearing a helmet. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Oh my goodness.

I went back and Read my last post

I’m just like, Man, I still talk about the same old crap. I’m still messed up.

From like stuff that happened a decade ago.

So, I’ve been working on that a lot. Like thinking about, you know like why is this still affecting me? It isn’t affecting anybody else.

I tried to do my chores but I couldn’t find the Swiffer thing. It’s probably in somebody’s room.

But I didn’t want to text like group text.

And because, I think everybody’s asleep.

Yeah, I don’t know. I’m trying not to talk too loud.

But I’m on night shift. And,

I woke up. I had some pretty crazy dreams.

I’ve been dreaming lately about my mom.

And um,

Makes me feel weird.

But, I don’t know. It’s just, it’s crazy like that chick. From work that I like, I just

I’ve had some really bad experiences with that. At workplaces. I mean, I’m still

Don’t really feel like I’m ready to talk to anybody or anything but every time I see her, and I don’t talk to her. I feel really awful.

I’ve came in a few times and like saw her and she would look at me and smile. And I’m like, oh dang, you know?

All I’d have to do is just go up and talk to her and this is what happened last year at the chicken plant. There was a chick I liked And I ended up talking to her. And then I had a crazy episode and never talked to her again until she sent me a friend request on Facebook.

And I still couldn’t like, Ask her out or anything. It was just

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I’ll be 45 in 2 weeks. And um,

I don’t feel like I’m 45.

I don’t even know what that’s supposed to feel like, honestly, My body has a lot of miles on it though.

Kind of kind of sucks.

But yeah, I don’t know.

I just felt really disconnected this past week from everything. And it has been really hard.

And I do, I feel like

A stupid piece of crap, dad.

I used to spend so much time with the kids. I used to do so much stuff with them, and

I’m trying to like rethink my life and how I look at everything. I don’t know, I don’t feel like it matters that much, but I did email my friend Justin earlier and that made me happy. It was a bunch of crazy speech to text stuff like this.

I don’t know how, but I got a whole bunch of stuff out talking to him this morning

I just I don’t know what to do. Like part of me. I’m I get so nervous about talking to anybody new or letting anybody like, know me on that level again, unless I really

I don’t. I don’t know, I guess I’m like, Somewhat comfortable being all alone, and

Isolated in my brains, because it’s It’s normal to me now. I don’t think it’s the healthiest. It’s not the healthiest deal. You know, I don’t think it is actually

Oh gosh, I do. I was going back and reading some posts on my other blog, my old blog. And I was like

What the hell is wrong with me?

I don’t know.

I guess it’s like all the imprints from Really severe like being traumatized, you know, it was

The last 2 years I was married was really, really, really bad. And That was kind of the Weird or remarkable thing about all of that is, uh,

My ex-wife. Doesn’t, I don’t think she really remembers a lot. And, you know, like I did. Sometimes I still have nightmares

It was really hard being married to an alcoholic. Like she had to go to AA meetings and stuff and

I just had been hurt so much by like the way she treated me that I lost a lot of faith in myself.

I just I was like, okay, you know, whatever you got to do

I didn’t really understand.

Any of that?

And I tried going to like Al-anon meetings. I thought maybe that would help.

But um,

All they did was sit around and Trash Talk the alcoholics like the, you know, it was like, their wife, or their husband, or their dad, or their brother or sister or something.

And uh, It made me feel really bad because I loved my ex-wife so much and I would like tell the story and stuff you know like talk about it and they would just start saying all kind of mean things about her. And I’m like, hey wait no, you know, that’s

That’s my pumpkin. And they were just like, you know. Sure she is. Haha

It was really mean it’s like, you know, and all this stuff. I think 1 Time 1 of them told me is like you, you know, you believed what she wanted you to believe and all this stuff and It didn’t help, I guess was my point.

I went to maybe half a dozen of those

But it is like alcoholism and addiction and stuff that they’re also very selfish diseases. I read that in something in 1 of those books like the official literature Of the whole AA and Al-Anon programs.

Said something like that. I was like. Yeah. That makes sense. I don’t know. But Most people I know. I can’t think of a single person with addiction issues, who hasn’t experienced some sort of, like, severe messed up, trauma. And uh,

It’s a crazy world. Really is.

People absorb a bunch of crazy stuff and they pass it on to Other people and so on and so forth.

I lost my post Streak.

I did. It was, uh, I think it was up to like, 132 or Maybe 133 days which, you know, after I hit 50. I was like, yeah, let’s hit 100.

After I hit 100. Just, it didn’t feel like it mattered anymore. I was like, well, if I can hit 100, I can hit a thousand and like I really didn’t always feel like making a post every day but I did. I set a goal though, huh?

Yeah, and I did it.

I didn’t really care after I hit 100. That was my goal. Was to do 100 posts in a row. I think I have made a couple hundred posts.

On this blog, I made. About 1300 posts on my other 1. Not all those are public though I think about half of them are so or private.

Blah, blah blah. I guess that’s 1 thing. I just Yeah, this blog helps a lot with sometimes, it’s just me. Going in circles talking about shit that I’ve already talked about over and over and over. Just sometimes it’s slightly different angles, but it’s like, dude.

It sucks.

Sometimes I still cry over my ex-wife. Yeah.

Yeah, I said all that stuff in my last post, but I loved her more than anything like anything.

Anything ever. It’s so crazy to look back on all that.

It’s all in my Facebook memories too. I’ve got, you know, Facebook, memories going back, 15 years. And I used to make a lot of posts. And it’s just I don’t know, it was so weird to look back on because Her and I were like this. Team, you know, we were like the couple and everybody. You know. I thought especially too, that we were going to be together forever after we split up 1 of her cousins,

Who, um, is a lesbian but wanted me to Father, a kid with her and her partner. Um, which that didn’t happen but we talked about it for a while. I think she ended up. Having some problems, she had some really bad health issues and they I think they split up actually. But uh, Anyway, she was like, you know, if y’all aren’t safe, then no couple is safe, I’m like yeah. I don’t.

It’s took me a long time to process that and it took actually because I did just get into a string of just really stupid crappy relationships. After the divorce that it just made it. Take that much longer for me to get over the divorce. Because I didn’t give myself time to heal from anything.

But I’ve been single for 4 and a half years now, And it’s like, well,

It would be nice to find somebody. At least give it a shot or something again.

And then I think about the Twin Flame chick.

And sometimes I just,

Really think she’s a piece of crap.

Yeah, I don’t. I don’t really know what else to think about her.

I have a tendency to romanticize things and, um,

I’m sentimental. I get nostalgic about stuff and she is like she’s the biggest crush I ever had but it also that built up over, you know several months and

A lot of that, I think I just

Well, she stalked me to the ends of the earth and internet and scared the living goddamned hell out of me. And she used to stare at me all the time, like an insane person and You know, I liked her that much too. It just I don’t know why we didn’t end up together. It was really crazy.

I don’t think I’m a person to her. I don’t know what.

She was just somebody like if I was just something, somebody she wanted really bad. Like, once or something? I don’t. Think she wanted like a relationship or to get to know me as a person or we would have, it wouldn’t have been that fucking retarded. I don’t, I don’t know. Yeah, I don’t know what her logic.

Was about that. If there was any to be had.

But that messed me up. Yeah, that messed me up as, as bad as meeting My ex fiance. Yeah, so you know I have just been processing all that cuz it’s like you know it’s time to let all this stuff go.

11:30 AM
And start living again. What? What the hell’s wrong with me?

I guess that’s my point, all that.

Yes, summer is winding down.

Well, we still got about another month of of it. But um,

I can feel the change in the atmosphere slightly and I’m not the only person either. I saw a couple of people this morning post on Facebook. How it how nice it feels right now. Outside and it does I went out and threw a bunch of stuff in the garbage can I was like, dang

I get paid Wednesday. Thank you. I can’t wait.

Oh my God. I’m gonna try to get the kids next weekend.

I’m sure we’ll get into something fun. It’s Labor Day. I have to, uh, renew my license to I guess I also, you know, my personal life like it’s just a mess so bad. I feel like there’s a lot of things I need to fix, and A lot of stuff I need to do and work on myself more before I’m ready to talk to anybody. But I also feel like if I don’t talk to that chick from work because I mean at least just be like hey and give her something like a chicken wearing a helmet. I know. Um,

Haha. Like, I mean, it’s a start. I don’t know. She might just be like eww, Yuck.

But I don’t, I don’t know.

She seems like a really, really sweet person. Yeah, I guess that’s why. You know I’ve had enough of the crazy stuff.

It would be great to, to have someone who’s Actually, really nice and isn’t going to, you know,

Fuck with my head and drive me crazy because it’s not that hard to do. Um, it used to be, you know,

Been thinking about that a lot, too. It’s like

I’ve got a mirror over here, so I’ll look at myself in the mirror all the time. And I’m like, you know,

I have to stop hating myself, why don’t I even like

Gosh. Oh, and I blame myself for everything all the time.

I feel like,

I could have done better, but I didn’t.

Feel like I Failed.

You know, lots of stuff, but

I’ve also done a lot of really cool things and often succeeded. In other ways, you know?

I fail other people’s expectations, so I guess.

Yeah.

But I’ve also failed a lot of my own expectations.

I’ve also succeeded, you know, in a lot of like Stuff. Of of expectations. I guess I need to just stop being so hard on myself.

I made a little video of a song. I did a long time ago, I had a An electronic music album. And it was probably 1 of my favorite things I ever did. And so I made a video of that and uh, it’s it wasn’t much, you know, I just Videoed like the wall in front of me and zoomed in. Stuff on the.

I guess that’s a dresser. Yeah.

Okay. And, um,

And then the ceiling fan and that’s the video and I just made it all weird with colors and

Effects and stuff and posted that.

On my YouTube channel, which I have 2 other videos, I have 3 videos up there now And it’s all from the electronic music album.

And I have so much more stuff. I have to get my external hard drive out of my storage unit. This week and go through, I need to buy like an adapter for. That’s why I haven’t done this yet. It takes A special kind of adapter. And I needed. It takes those like the old ass. Uh, micro USB. I don’t even know if it’s called that. It’s the first this for like Droid phones, you know, like Shit that came out in like 2010.

It was one of, those USB.

Cables, you know. I’ve got to find 1 of those. I know they still exist. I think the AC adapter. It’s like,

It’s not that the voltage is so weird. Even though I think it does take, I want to say it’s like an 18 volt adapter. But it takes like 2 amps. Yeah, it’s it needs some, a little bit of power like, more than normal. Just takes a pretty. Big adapter. I can find online. I’m sure.

Because I do I have a whole lot of stuff.

Back from when I owned a recording studio. I mean, just

So much stuff like stuff. I did with my friends and stuff. My friends came over and recorded. About a decade’s worth of the stuff. Yeah. There’s actually like a a few bands that I recorded local bands, I did their demo.

I didn’t set the bar you know that high like I can do your demo. Haha

I don’t know what else to say, what else can I say? Hopefully things will get better.

Yeah.

Gosh. I was actually doing okay, I don’t know. I just kind of plummeted off into the abyss, but I swam back up. You know, it took the weekend. And I did. I rested a whole bunch. That’s 1 of the reasons why I drank, because it made me sleep. And I drank beer, I didn’t get like You know, crazy stuff. So I don’t have a hangover And that’s pretty nice.

I guess so. I guess I’m going to wrap this up. And, Fall back asleep. Hopefully, when I wake up. Maybe I can make the chicken with a helmet or something.

I can at least try to interact with her. Because she, she does seem really sweet and

Even if nothing comes of it, you know, at least. This sounds like, well, I made her at least. I talked to her. Sometimes that’s good enough for me.

Thank you, please.