TUESDAY

4:02 PM
Oh my goodness. What am I doing?

I am trying to collect myself and go to work. Yeah, it’s not that bad though. I just got out of the shower and I’m like,

Hey, let’s make a post. So, I guess I’m back to normal posts and not trying to make a single post every day.

A post 1 Post every single day, to keep up my post Streak, um, because I did a lot start talking in circles about the same crap, over and over. Because like, what am I going to talk about? Well, here’s what’s in my brain. It’s the same shit.

Over and over and over. A lot of it. Yeah, there’s Uh, you know, it’s Gotten a little better though.

I think when I talk about it a lot, I perpetuate it also and

Um,

It’s really funny how the mind. And the brain and reality. Um, expressed through the human mode. Yeah, how that just Is. I guess I’m I think it’s funny that it capitalized. The word Is.

Well, I have hot dogs downstairs. I think I’m going to eat them instead of spending money.

I’ve got to put some more gas in my car and

Oh, I want to ask my ex-wife if she would let me borrow 10 extra dollars and I might do that tomorrow but holy shit. I already got my Donut sticks.

I don’t know the, uh,

I always like, I’m trying to think of how to word this cuz it goes. It’s it’s about the chick from work that I like, okay. On 1 hand like yeah she is really you know cute she’s definitely the most interesting chick I’ve seen but on the other hand she’s You know, a lot younger than me, which is typically the case. And it kind of reminds me of what happened at the second car factory with this other chick. Not the Twin Flame. You know, not Brittany like that was a totally different thing. But when I first started working there because I took 1 look at the Twin Flame chick and it was like well this she’s not going to give me the time of day that was like the main impression I got from her which I was wrong. But You know, it was scary as hell. So I just like, well, you know, we’ll see, who else is here and Uh, It was crazy though. Like this lady, I didn’t know anything about her, but she was always in the break room like in the lunchroom. Yeah, the big lunch room cafeteria.

Yeah, I’m trying to uh, my brain. Yeah. And I don’t know how early she got there because she got there before I did. I didn’t like I would get in the parking lot super early at the second car factory, but I wouldn’t go inside until like You know. The shift started at 6:00. Sometimes I wouldn’t go in there until You know, 545. Or 5:30 or something or 10 till 6. Like I didn’t go inside until later Um, of course, I go inside now, right, when I get there, but a lot of that is also because Um,

My car doesn’t have air conditioner.

So anyways, I would go in the cafeteria though uh because you had to pass through it on the way into the plant. And she would always be sitting there just by herself, you know, she was really like, I never saw her talk to anybody or anything like ever. It was crazy. And uh, I never could work the nerve up to talk to her. I don’t think I ever I said Merry Christmas to her. Once when I gave her a Christmas card that I had made, you know, I was going to give it to the Twin Flame chick, but I was just like,

I just, I don’t know.

That whole exchange got so, over complicated.

But, uh, and 1 day I probably will, like, I’m just trying to get past it. Like I said, like, you know, if I keep talking about crap, I don’t really move on from it. I’m just like, stirring it back up in my shit at least for right now. Because I’m just now starting to get past all that. Um, yeah, it was retarded. Like that’s 1 of those things. It’s like when I met my ex fiance, it’s like, at the time, it’s like, oh my God, oh my God, you know, it was this huge fucking thing. But looking back, it was Probably 1 of the most stupid. Engagements or what? What’s the word? It was the dumbest fucking thing I ever did really. Haha And uh,

I hated myself for a long time because of that. And not so much that I met her but it’s how I dealt with it. Yeah. Like it just ruined me. And the, that’s exactly what happened with the Twin Flame chick. You know, it’s she’s probably like whatever crazy guy but It was also really mean and You know, I was struggling a lot and she read about all that and it was

It was really shitty. Um what was what was I saying? Yeah. Anyways though. It got so retarded with that other chick um that uh the 1 I gave the card to but she tried to talk to me 1 time and I had a literal panic attack, I ran off. She like, walked up to me 1 day and she said, hey boy. And I just, oh my God. I just like I ran into the, uh, bathroom and Hyper ventilated for like 5 minutes, like, I couldn’t even breathe. I thought I was going to, I thought I was going to have to go to Medical. It was that bad and uh,

Haha. Yeah I mean I’m that fucking crazy and this chick is starting to have the same effect on me as she did. Um Because last night, Uh, at lunch. We crossed paths again and I didn’t talk to her. It made me feel horrible. It’s it’s just so crazy. Like these exchanges, the energetic elements. Um, Just,

Have a really terrible effect on me. And like with this, lady I liked last year from the chicken plant, the 1, I talked to. And I had an episode about, she had the same effect on me too. And it like, at first, when I finally started talking to her, it it like, it, it was so hard. But once I got that out of the way, it was actually not that bad. But then I had an episode Meltdown. And I never talked to her again and Yeah, and I’m just like, man, I really am crazy.

And there’s a reason why I keep to myself, you know? And I just don’t want to like I’m not in a great place and I never get a chance to just work on myself without some kind of something coming along and completely throwing me off center.

Oh my gosh and I went to the gym after work and I worked out for about 20 minutes but I didn’t do as much as I wanted to do because I was like kinda sad.

I was going to talk to her like she always passes by my break room. On the way in and on the way out. I’ve been hiding from her, you know, because I’m just it

Anyways, This morning, like the 1 time. I’d finally gotten the nerve up. I’m like You know, I’m going to talk to like you know, this actually was this morning at like 4:30 and uh she must have totally got the fuck out of there. Like right as the thing sounded because like, I got all my stuff, I thought together pretty fast and I was going to wait on her to walk by and she was already gone. At least, I think she was unless She was like hiding somewhere. But it does. It reminds me a lot of what happened with this other chick. You know, the 1 from the Second car factory not the Twin Flame. Yeah.

Anyways, and then I look back like I listen to myself saying this stuff and I look back at the text and read it and I’m like, God, I’m so stupid. This is so stupid and this happens like there was another chick that I used to hide from um which actually

I’m glad I did because, uh, anyways, when I worked at this car seat, Factory called TS Tech. This girl would stalk me all around that place. And she was 18, and I’m like there’s no way uh because she was also really crazy and you could tell she was like, but she was beautiful but she had like a

You could tell she was on stuff. You know? And, uh, after I left like She pops up. She still pops up on the people. I may know on Facebook. But like she’s a stripper now. So, you know. And I just imagine like my daughter meeting these chicks.

My roommate’s dog is barking a lot.

I don’t know why. I’m Anyways, um,

Kind of messed with my train of thought.

Oh my God, something about a barking, dog. Sometimes just gets into my brains and fucks it all up.

It’s a sweet dog. That dog likes me. I pet it and sometimes Well, I don’t, I don’t feed it anything because it’s on a diet but I did when I first moved in. Yeah. Haha. Um,

But yeah, it’s like

It’s just ridiculous. The effect the shit has on me because I’m never ready for it. And then it’s like, well heck I could have, you know, Talked to her and then it just because we’re at the same place and we’re exposed to each other the mere exposure effects I guess. Yeah that’s what it’s called you know over and over and over and over.

It’s 1 reason why like a lot of co-workers fall for each other and people that, you know, they’re around each other all the time, they start to develop feelings the familiarity, you know, grows and grows. It’s uh, It’s kind of funny.

But, Um, I don’t know. I’ll take a step back from all that. I’m just like, you know, do I really want to deal with this shit again? And I’m not ready to talk to anybody. Like, there’s a lot of stuff.

Uh, that I’m, you know, I’m still Like,

I guess my point to that is, I’ve never gotten mixed up with a chick who did not get insanely possessive and jealous of my time.

I mean, just controlling and fucking I’m I mean, it’s like that’s never happened, they’ve always been insane. They’ve always like gotten. Really. Really insane about stuff and Uh, my ex-girlfriend, the last 1, one of the main reasons I’ve been single for 4 and a half years. I think she’s finally left me alone and my ex-wife finally stopped stalking my blog or, you know, you know what I mean. So, it’s like, it’s I don’t get like normal stuff. I just, I just don’t.

But I’m also a really intense. You know. Person with a lot of energy like I have so much fucking energy.

But what’s so funny though and God forbid anybody from work reads this but nobody ever does. Um there’s a Facebook group for the, where I work now and I comment and post in there all the time. And I can tell like I’ll be walking like down a corridor or something. Passing the people and they recognize me. Yeah. Like I noticed that it’s It’s like, Yep, this happened before but then it’s like at the same time. It’s like, you know.

Who cares? Like I’m a person? Yeah I exist. Nobody knows where I live. Hahaha

Yeah, it was all over like my Instagram, not like Well, yeah, because I would take pictures. Of myself around downtown Albertville and tag the fucking shit. And people the Twin Flame chick figured out where I lived. And that was really awful.

4:16 PM
Yeah, but I’m just saying like I mean talking about perpetuating crap, you know, like God. And when I look back and all that, it’s like, What a fucking crappy? What? A piece of shit. Fucking thing to do to somebody.

She was like hey here’s a crazy guy and he talks about all the time, how crazy he is and how much, you know, he wishes he could like connect with people. I’m going to fuck with his head and driving him even more crazy hahaha

I don’t know, like all my friends and family and my roommates and a lot of my co-workers know about like they know who she is, and I did that mostly for liability.

Because she still pecks on my blog and she blocked me like I don’t know. Well, it’s been a couple weeks ago. Anyways, I don’t want to talk about her anymore. Yeah. Like that’s 1 thing. I really want to put behind me for eternity. Like, I don’t ever want to think about her ever again.

She could have been really awesome, you know, she could have really came through and been the most awesome person I ever met. But she decided she wanted to be a fucking piece of crap.

And it took a long time for me to really grasp like the fact that, you know, maybe she really is And you know, some people are just fucking awful.

Well, shit. Yeah, I don’t know. That’s just what’s stirring around in my brains this afternoon. I usually don’t leave for work until about 4:30 anyways. But I think I’m going to go downstairs and make some hot dogs. And,

Edit this. I’m going to edit this post downstairs, while I wait on hot dogs.

I guess my point to all that is like, You know, I really do. Wish I had a girlfriend like that would be great because I have been single for 4 and a half years. And uh, you know, the kind of job I have, that’s like that’s all you do, you know? It’s really funny because you work like you’re there and then, you know, You don’t get a normal life because of the shifts and Just the whole thing. It’s like, you know, that’s your your life. And it’s not for everybody. I don’t know. It would be great to find someone on the same work schedule. I like it because It does. It provides a contrasting element to my creativity. I come up with my best. Like music and art ideas. Uh, at jobs like this because they are so monotonous I can just space out. And, uh, that’s kind of the thing about this job, which I do like. I really uh,

Really want to talk to her but I don’t want my face to explode either. But like worst case scenario, you know, I already have like some cartoon ideas about her because she is just like she wears a helmet. She’s helmet girl. So like there you go, you know.

Which ties into like some other stuff like that Tiffany chick who Fucking. I cried over for 2 months. The last time I tried to open my heart to somebody. Yeah. Um, I got some really cool like Ideas out of her too. So, and the Twin Flame chick. It’s like

Just that’s what being an artist is all about.

But yeah, I don’t know.

I am like overdue though for a like another romantic entanglement, but not just like some bullshit. Like, I don’t.

I would like to fall in love, at least 1, more time, and it not be a bunch of crap.

Yeah.

But you know what there’s like. Fucking billions of women on this planet. So, you know, If it’s not her, another 1 will come along. That’s kind of 1 thing that I’ve learned.

Haha. Yeah.

And just because something, you know, might seem to be like

Fated. Yeah, that doesn’t just you know it doesn’t mean anything in the end. Like I thought my ex wife was my soulmate like literally for a long time and you know, and then maybe my ex fiance was. Then the Twin Flame chick. I mean All the shit that goes with that, you know. Oh my counterpart. Well.

That doesn’t mean anything like, that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re supposed to be together. So You know, I’ve had

Whatever. Yeah, that’s what Yeah, like whatever.

I know right now that I have hot dogs and There’s 2 left, and I sure do want to eat them. So I’m going to I’m going to wrap this up now and

It’s hot dog time! Thank you, please.