Tuesday i guess

2:08 AM
Well. What am I doing? I just ate some beef stew. I sure did.

I got some stuff. Maybe to fix the sink. I hope it works. I’m going to mess with it here in a minute and I’ve got to do my chores at 2:00 a.m. right?

Haha.

I had a crazy adventure yesterday. I went and got a lottery ticket from Tennessee. And stopped and took pictures of some places. It was⁷

It was fun, but I way overdid it drinking, I did. Oh my God. Like, I don’t know. What gets into me. I really don’t. I was hung over the whole rest of the day when I woke up about noon, was it even noon? I think it was more like 2. Yeah, and I just Oh my God, I went to the hardware store. Went to Lowe’s. I felt so awful. And then, uh, I got what I thought maybe would work, hopefully it will.

Yeah, and uh, if not I mean, I can fuck with it tomorrow, but I have to work tomorrow. So Yeah. I mean later today.

I’m also like running out of money. Yeah.

But it’s funny, if I just drink like beer, like regular beer, I’m fine. I don’t get a hangover but if I drink those fucking clubtail sodas and I had 3 of them, after I drank beer

I get a horrible hangover, like, It’s awful. I don’t know why I drink that shit. I guess because They taste good. Yeah.

I shaved my beard. I mentioned that I think in the last post or the 1 before So I’m going to go to work and everybody’s going to be like, wow, for like the whole rest of the day, probably.

Yeah, I do. I look that different without a beard. That’s what’s so funny.

Oh, beef stew.

My roommate has a bunch of stuff. In the freezer. She wanted me to eat. She wanted everyone to eat, I think.

There is a pot pie. And I’m probably going to eat it. Later on.

Yep.

We check here runs the

2 rents.

The check. Hello. The lady. Who rents the uh part of the garage right here with their stuff. She’s making a uh,

Moth mask.

I guess I could take a picture of that. It looks pretty neat.

I don’t know, you know, I think about like

Making stuff, you know, for the chick from work, but then it’s like, you know, do I really want to even Like,

Watch the I mean I said gosh like what the hell is wrong with me?

Chicks, love me. And I don’t, I just get so freaked out about like, Getting into another relationship. I really do. But like, I don’t know anybody else from work like, I mean, there are though there’s actually quite a few Uh at the second car factory there were 3. Okay there’s there’s quite a few more here.

There were a lot at the warehouse job too, and there were a lot at the chicken plant, you know,

But, Yeah, typically car factories aren’t known for You know, having

Anyways, this sounds so stupid, right? Yeah, I was just like because I still haven’t made anything I guess is my point and about the time I think. Hey, I’m going to I don’t I’m like I just think I have a second thoughts. Yeah. That’s what it is.

And sometimes it’s like the uh, you know, everything that happened with Brittany and all that just took a lot more out of me. Sometimes I think than I realize as far as making stuff for ladies go and that just that was like the That was 1 of the most awful fucking things that ever happened.

It really was as far as like, my big stupid heart is concerned.

The shit affects me so much, like so fucking much.

You know.

That, uh, I still blabber about it.

Most people probably would have moved far, far away, you know, moved on, you know. Yeah, far. Really. Yeah.

I don’t know, I don’t know how I feel.

Except I’m kind of tired.

I do feel kind of tired.

Yeah.

But yeah like you know the chick from work this time around, it’s like not like there’s anything wrong with her. It’s always like.

I don’t know, sometimes I just wonder if If I’m not too messed up. Like,

Sometimes it just hits me.

I think maybe I’m too messed up. To love. Anymore. It’s sad.

Sometimes I think maybe I was given like, you know,

Um I was supposed to like, you know, be married and have kids with my ex-wife and then Uh you know it fucked me up so bad that I’ve been like the void that existed where that Was, which was so

So much. I mean, My Reality, my entire reality revolved around. My ex-wife, it did. And it was like, you know, Was it the same for her? Hell no.

Not at all, or we would still be married. Yeah.

But uh, Sometimes, I think that maybe I’m supposed to Focus on other things. Now that I’ve healed a whole bunch,

Have I?

Well I don’t cry about things like I did, you know, it’s gotten better. I mean like

You know, as the void has uh, Closed up considerably. It’s not like it. It’s still there a little bit, but it’s not like it was 4 or 5 years ago. I’m not looking to fill it anymore Is my point. Yeah, it’s like I kind of start.

I’ve started to care a whole lot less and you know, a lot of people that’s they just are all about dating and you know other people and they see other people is like wow, they’re hot. You know. Let’s I want to have sex with them, and You know, sex is a big Part of The Human Experience. And it’s, uh, People reduce it to a Pleasure Principle. And hurt the shit out of each other. Because

It feels good and they lie to each other, to get what they want, that’s happened to me, you know, chicks have lied to me, that’s what Tiffany did.

Of course, you know, there’s a part of me. That didn’t.

Didn’t figure. She really knew what the hell she was doing either. Or that was why I didn’t tell her off

Well, tell her off about that, I guess? Yeah.

Objectify each other, that’s what they do. Yeah, men and women. I know women are on the receiving end of that like they say You know, more than, but men are too. I had a little sister and I used to listen to her and her friends talk about stuff. And I listened to my ex-wife and her friends get drunk and talk about crazy shit like you know About guys, and it was fucking Some of the stuff I’ve heard was way more graphic than I’ve ever heard guys say you know like and then they act all You know, like like Guys are the assholes and, you know, they are

But women can be assholes too like real bad.

And so, it’s just like, I don’t know.

It’s retarded. It really is.

I guess it’s really hard for me to want to open my heart again to trust somebody else after I’ve been, you know, hurt so bad and it’s like well, maybe, you know, I do take these things way too seriously but I don’t know any other way to be Yeah. Which is another reason like, you know, I realize that

I’m fucking crazy when it comes to stuff like that but really in life when it comes to life in general, anyways,

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

My credit score went up 4 Points. Haha 564. It used to be like in the 800s.

You know, 15 years ago?

Yeah.

There’s a part of me that, you know, of course, I didn’t think I’d live this long, so I didn’t plan ahead.

Too much. And of course, you know, A couple of years ago, it’s been over that. Now, when I was still working at the second car factory, I was like trying to get my shit together. I was paying back the loans. I got trying to build my credit up so I could get some land and move 1 of those buildings onto it. Fix it up and live in it, you know, those buildings, they’re all over the side of the road and have places that. Those like, rent a barn. Things.

And, uh, you know, of course, all that got fucked up. But like, you know, I

I’ll get on track about things and then something completely retarded will happen and that’s been you know Kind of a pattern in the last. My whole life, really? Yeah. But especially the last 7 years.

But I mean, My life isn’t horrible. Right now or anything. It’s actually pretty good. Compared to what it was you know 2 years ago or last year. Oh my God. Last year was probably the worst year overall.

Yeah.

1 of The Worst Years ever, 2019 was really bad too.

And 2018. 2018 was super hard.

But anyways, I don’t know. I’m just thinking about how it’s 2025. Uh, next week. Is my birthday. I’ll be 45 years old. And uh, it’s crazy. Really crazy.

I guess though, I really do wish I had like somebody. I really do. But,

It’s still. It’s still really scary to me.

I guess, that’s okay. Yeah.

Maybe I shouldn’t try to worry about it so much.

There’s a deer head in the floor.

I’m going to have to take a picture of that. I’m not going to touch it though. But,

Stuff like that is just like you know, like just animals. I don’t know, like mounted on a

Thing that you hang on the wall, I don’t know.

Planet Earth. What A, what a deal?

Yeah.

Emotions. I get happy and sad. I get lonely. I get.

The opposite of that. What? What is the opposite of lonely? When I’m by myself but I’m not lonely. I’m like happy.

I don’t know.

Um,

I miss my kids. More than anything else.

Maybe I’m really happy to spend time with them. It made me really happy to spend time with them Saturday, but, you know, my son still is like, you know, he’s really young still and You know, but my daughter is getting older and she has her own life and her friends and she has a boyfriend and All that stuff.

I don’t feel as You know like, uh,

Like I’m that important you know, the same way I used to be, I guess I still am. It’s just I don’t know. My kids are my favorite people, and we’ve done so much fun things together and then I didn’t get to see them. You know, on a regular basis for a year.

Yeah. I mean that was really hard.

And then um, I don’t know it’s just

I guess I do feel cheated. In a lot of ways and I know I made the right decision like letting my ex-wife have everything.

Because if she hadn’t, Like the kids didn’t need a dead mom, you know.

I guess they don’t need a dead dad either, right?

Yeah. But it’s been really hard. Really, really hard.

That’s all I ever really wanted out of life was to love 1, woman forever. And then uh, you know, I’ve got all my, you know, I’m a musician and an artist and all that crap. But,

2:28 AM
I’ve just, I still haven’t. Gotten used completely gotten used to being by myself.

Yeah.

And sometimes it hits me, you know, sometimes I like wake up from a dream or something. Then it’ll hit me. That’s like oh wait, no none of that exists anymore.

You know.

Yeah, sometimes, you know I still like Like, um, it’s just the imprints. Yeah, are still there.

But I don’t ever think about my ex fiance anymore and that’s that’s some progress, huh? Yeah, I don’t ever think about any of my other girlfriends either.

And uh, the only time I ever think about Stephanie anymore, is when she messages me.

Sometimes it’s hard not to hate myself. I said. Yeah, like really like some most of the time I do.

A lot of times, I wish I could have just a do over of my whole life. But really you know, after the divorce, yeah, like it’s

I wouldn’t take anything stop. Picking up shit wrong. I wouldn’t take anything for my kids. But and there’s a lot of stuff, I would not want to go back and relive either. Yeah.

I wouldn’t want to be a kid again, like, with my parents and the school. I went to and all that shit.

I was not a happy kid. I was a happy teenager. Though. Yeah, I was but not a happy kid.

I was really happy as a young adult too until my ex-wife and I moved in together and I’m not going to talk about that because

I’ll make myself sad. Yeah. I don’t know, I guess sometimes it’s like as far as hating myself and stuff goes, it’s like why in the hell? What in the hell was wrong with me? Like I just never

Cared about myself that much. Yeah, I just didn’t.

Like, I don’t care about myself like a normal person.

But, I’m going to go to the gym after work tomorrow. Well, that’s later today. But I will be off work tomorrow morning. Oh goodness. Night shift has me all screwed up all the time. Anyways,

But yeah. What else can I say?

Thank you. Please.