SATURDAY MORNING

5:55 AM
Oh my God. It’s ah, just Ah, what?

Haha.

I am.

I just got out of the shower and was poking around. Facebook. And then I decided, hey, let’s make a blog post.

Oh, what am I doing? Oh, um, I just said. Yeah, I had a work. Had to work. My brains. Um, I haven’t gotten a lot of good rest this week because I’ve been messing with the Sink drain and I just like, I have to Go to the store and come back, but I got 5 hours of sleep. Um, yesterday.

I feel so like, Retarded right now, but I didn’t get hardly any sleep on my birthday because I had to go get my license and my tag renewed and do stuff to mess with the sink.

And so, I think I got

You know, a couple of hours uninterrupted sleep, and then like an hour another hour before I went to work. I fell asleep.

And uh, but it is next week is day shift. So I’ll probably be back to normal for

It’ll probably take the whole first week to get used to it. And then, for about 3 weeks, yeah, I’ll be like normal and then it’s back on nights, right? Yeah.

This has just been, it’s just This has been yeah, the hardest round of Night Shift ever. Even like including the second car factory.

Which it never was that bad because the shifts were closer together. And it was only 2 weeks on and off. And so, it really wasn’t that big of an adjustment. At this place, it is a complete 180 because it’s the same hours. Just reversed, AM and PM.

Night shift, you know, has its perks.

And day shift you know the same. Yeah they uh they both have their You know, trade-offs. And things that suck. I mean,

I like staying up late all night, but I don’t like getting up early. Yeah. But on day shift, I can do stuff after work, you know, I can go see the kids. I can. Eat supper somewhere. Cool. I can get a decent night’s sleep. Yeah. Haha, on night shift, I can stay up all night and watch the sun come up. And um,

I can eat somewhere cool before work.

And I just like the atmosphere of Night Shift better but not this time I mean it’s it got better the first few weeks.

Most of it, I don’t know. What am I trying to say it? This week hasn’t sucked except not getting a lot of sleep.

Yeah. And I did totally try to talk to helmet girl, but I’ve already I feel like I’ve already messed that up. You know, I freaked out and ran away from her and then I hid from her and uh,

She probably just thinks I’m a big stupid asshole and it kind of hit me. It’s like man you know, if you like some body if you like a chick you have to stop freaking out. About it. You have to like If she. Looks at you or something and smiles. Yeah or something like like at least like say hey to her because if you don’t she’s going to think you’re messing with her and being a piece of shit and it’s that’s never the case. I just

It makes me really nervous. It’s like Beyond, you know, shy and then just all the crazy stuff that’s happened to me since the divorce. Including that, you know, I mean all that crap. It’s just It’s like get a grip dude. Yeah. Now

It’s been hard though, I really I really have.

That’s not all what I said? Yeah.

That last little paragraph thing. Um, But I mean I don’t know I said like I walked past her. I guess it was my birthday. Yeah, it was. I went into the cafeteria, the nice cafeteria the nice cafeteria, the 1. I, you know, when I go to a cafeteria, a lot of times I go into the other 1 and it’s not as nice but you don’t have to wait.

The lines aren’t as long.

At all.

Um, But it’s The quality isn’t as great.

But for my birthday, I went into the the nice 1 and they had the most delicious, like my favorite, the 2 things, they have that. I like the most are the chili cheese, Hot Dogs. Which that’s what they had for my birthday. It was the perfect birthday supper. And the other great thing that they have that I like is taco salad. Yeah. I love the taco salads.

But uh, she was

Walking back. From the cafeteria as I was walking out there to it. I think she works somewhere close to the exit. So she like gets out of there and gets back really fast.

It’s actually kind of crazy but um, I passed by her and I was like just I was in a great mood because it was my birthday and I was like, you know, slapping the little posts, you know? As I was walking, I always do that. It’s because I’m insane. Uh, but I passed by and she just immediately like just, you know, she went into ignore mode and I said, I like your helmet. She just ignored me and It’s like, yeah. She hates me. You know, I’m sorry I couldn’t help freaking out and running away.

I mean I just couldn’t and then you know, I I felt bad, it made me feel really bad. It’s like, gosh.

So much for having a girlfriend for my birthday but you know, it’s not her fault

Not, it’s just stupid. You know. I used to not be like this, actually, you know, I used to have a like

I was. So, how do I put this? I guess I’m my brains are. Kind of mush right now. So it’s like

Um, where do I start?

The summer after the divorce. I was a total. Like just absolute mess and it took a a while for me to finally put my brains back together and I did, I had a girlfriend at the time. And uh, which was, I mean, I’ve talked about that. It was a horrible idea, I don’t know what I was thinking. But um,

Gosh, I guess that lasted about 3 months, didn’t it? Yeah.

And uh,

But we didn’t spend like a whole lot of time together either. Like, I’d go see her a couple of times a week, because she had a lot of stuff going on. And I didn’t always have the gas money to drive out to where she lives. Um I didn’t work that summer.

Actually I just I did. I took the uh I think I pawned a bunch of stuff. I did. I pawned a lot of my stuff. And I was so messed up though, but I had finally pulled myself together about the, you know, I’d gotten into college and everything and I finally got a really good job at Federal Mogul in Athens and I was just filled with confidence like I had finally pulled myself together and did it.

I broke up with her right after my Birthday though

Um, I talked about it in 1 of the posts that I made uh password protected. A lot of stuff in those posts like some a handful of people from WordPress read them but nobody else did. And

Uh,

That’s just stuff. I don’t after I said it and got it out, it was it helped a lot. It was stuff about my ex-wife. Basically uh but it was like wow what a weight was lifted and then it’s like you know she’s the kid’s mom.

Nobody really needs to read that stuff. Yeah, I like, you know, somebody stumbles upon it from work or uh, Facebook anywhere or God forbid even her, you know, reads it.

So, it’s just, you know, I mean, that was just stuff I needed to get out. And so, then, you know, I feel a lot better. But anyways, I had um,

I talked about her a little bit about why I broke up with her and, um,

Anyways. So, I had gotten that job and gotten into college and I was just so filled with confidence. And uh I met my ex fiance. Yeah, I met My ex fiance in a dating group an intj. Dating Grandma. I’m an intj. If you I didn’t say, I didn’t say that. Haha

Dating group. Okay. And um,

I just, I was like, gosh, you know, I was out there living out of my vehicle. You know, I was out there on my own doing it.

And uh, I mean I was happy. It was a struggle, I was struggling, you know, but I was I was doing it. And,

For the first time in years I was actually starting to believe in myself again. You know, and so I had all this confidence and all this crap and I started talking to her. And I mean, I, I’ve talked about this especially in my other blog a lot, but

I never had. Anything, like I’ve never had that much in common with somebody ever.

In my life like I thought I had met my soulmate, you know, I mean obviously my ex-wife wasn’t So, um, But I just I was so much confident and she flew me up to meet her. All the way to Portland she was from well Vancouver Washington. But uh, all the way up there, it’s a suburb, you know, of Portland.

And I was just like, I thought my life was finally, you know, I was finally going to get

The life I wanted. I was going to, you know, get my degree in electrical engineering and French and I was going to marry this. Crazy artist, musician, chick, who spoke four languages? I was like yeah, you know and uh,

No, that did not. Um, she got into my phone. While I was asleep at some point, I was supposed to stay, I was just supposed to stay the weekend. We were supposed to meet and get that out of the way, you know, because nothing compares to meeting in person and then we were going to like, if you know everything was great. And I, uh, it was at first I was like, holy shit, I couldn’t believe it. And um,

Yeah, we were going to get married. Okay, and that was it. And, uh,

She gets into my phone at some point. Um, while I was asleep, we didn’t get a lot of sleep, you know? I met her whole family too. Uh, but I had finally like, I was so exhausted. I had worked all that whole week. I was on night shift. I think my hours were like 10 p.m. to 7 a.m. And I had been up like when I met her I had been up like that whole night and it was a Friday. And I drove to the airport I had, I had to meet with my advisor that morning like at 10:00 and then I drove to the airport and she flew me up. There. From Chattanooga and it took a dang. Act of God, I got through a traffic jam. I missed my initial flight, and they put me on another flight with a 2-hour layover in Dallas. Yeah, it was crazy. I ended up getting there about

I want to say maybe 1:00 a.m. yeah, Portland time. Which was like 3:00 a.m. here. That’s how long it took to get there.

Yeah, it was crazy but uh, that is the craziest thing I ever did actually. But she got into my phone, my point being I was exhausted. Yeah, like super exhausted, even when I met her. You know. But uh, I guess that’s what they make you know, coffee and energy drinks for But yeah, she got into my phone. I didn’t have a pass like a pass key or anything on it. I didn’t think about it. I never had I never put anything like that on my phone.

6:10 AM
Until? Uh, after that happened. If I was ever like, you know, anyways, back to the story. I um,

Yeah, she just gets into my phone and turns off my alarms. I had 4 alarms set and she turned them off all of them and I overslept and missed my return flight. And I didn’t know what the heck had happened. I didn’t know what to do. And uh, but anyways, my point of all that is She did all this like she did that and we ended up driving back across the country. And she yanked me around, she ended up getting throwing a tantrum like this, crazy fit and and turning around. She called her mom to fly into the airport in Chattanooga. And uh, so she would drive back with her because that was, you know, it was a 3-day.

Drive, 2500 miles drive, it took forever. There’s so much I could talk about. I mean, there’s so that was it’s a crazy ass story. Uh, But um, Basically, she just she turned around and went home. We got back to Alabama, we had made it and everything and she just I don’t know what got into her but she like, She was on disability for being, you know, for mental disorders and stuff. She had all kind of crap wrong with her. I didn’t give enough credit. To any of that I thought love would carry us through. Hahaha Ha Haha

I was just so naive, and

Retarded. But I was full of confidence. Was my point, but like all the stuff that happened with her and she turned around and went back. And then called me, like, 2 Days Later begging me to take her back like crying and that she had messed up and Oh my goodness. And so I did like an idiot. I should have just blocked her on everything then but she yanked me around for about 2 months torturing the crap out of me, dumping me then begging me to take her back and about every 2 weeks I think we broke up maybe 5 times and got back together.

I lost count honestly. Uh, but she finally I think got bored with it, found somebody else and dumped me and by the end of that, I had already like my confidence.

That just ruined it. It did. And I finally, you know, I cried over her for 3 months,  straight, like, every single day. It was so horrible. And, uh,

Gosh. That was a long. That was a big fucking rant, wasn’t it? But that’s yeah. My confidence ain’t what it used to be. I guess that’s my point. Yeah, and then uh, you know The chick. I dated after her, I had gotten it back up a little bit and uh, that just it, it didn’t really. That didn’t help though because it only lasted, like, 2 months but the lady after her was the worst person I had ever met. And it that’s a long story but she messed me up like way worse and then, uh, I was single for a year and a half and met my last girlfriend. Who? Why not? Not all the reasons, why? But she’s a

Kind of a big reason why I’ve been single for 4 and a half years because I made a whole albums worth of songs up about her and all this stuff. I just loved her so much and

You know.

It just didn’t matter. Yeah, I mean gosh there’s so much I can say about Stephanie. I think I have actually a lot. I’ve talked about her and made a couple posts about her in this blog but you know my confidence just Ain’t shit and then I was getting it back but the fucking uh, Tiffany chick. You know, lying to me about having a boyfriend and I don’t know what her deal was with that. But that and then you know, the whole thing that happened with the Twin Flame

Stuff.

Yeah, that just my confidence. Ain’t It just ain’t there. Like it was, you know, it’s just not even like a normal person. So um yeah when I see a chick and I’ve got all this like you know all this stuff has hurt me. So bad over and over and over. So it’s like, you know, I’ll see her and I’ll be like, wow, what a cute lady, you know and then um, I definitely for some reason I never expec them to look back and when they do you know, all the like the Potential. You know what I mean? My brain just starts reeling. It’s like all the good things, you know. It’s like, yeah and all the, you know, explosion with just like love and all the potential and all the like, wow, you know, uh And then like that happens, that lasts for about a second. And then all the like Pain. And

Horrible stuff. Starts flooding my like, Everything. And it I freak out. Yeah, I do like it just that’s how

That’s just how. Much. I’ve been hurt, you know. And I’m, uh, It really helped to get all that stuff out though that I made in those posts. Gosh. How many was that was about 6 posts or more, was it? Yeah. Um but I feel a lot better, I do like a whole lot better now, my birthday and all that I think that clicked over some kind of

I think I’m still the same Essence. Cycle. Yeah. Um but like something else that did something.

But I feel different. Yeah, I feel better about myself right now so it’s like hell yeah. But um that’s why I was able to, you know, tell helmet Girl, I liked her helmet but I think

That I’ve already ruined that. I don’t know. I could be wrong. I mean, I don’t I’m really

Yeah, gosh, I don’t know. I’m just thinking

On 1 hand like it does. It sucks on the other hand. It’s

I’m not going to let it get me down because I’m going to get like what 2 maybe 3 hours of sleep. If I’m lucky and then I’m going to get up and go get the kids and we’re going to go get uh Korean Fried Chicken, which I was talking to a guy at work earlier. And he was like Hell yeah, dude. Uh, I ate there. About a month ago and it was the best shit I ever had in my life. So that’s exciting and then we’re just going to, you know, kick around up here in Huntsville. And see what we get into. Because I have actually have some extra money this week and I really miss my kids.

So that’s going to be a lot of fun. I need to get a haircut.

But just like the back, like needs to get cut. It’s starting to look really stupid in the back. And that’s all you can see you when I’m wearing a hat at work. I have to wear a hat at work with a bump cap insert.

Gosh. I’m starting to wind down pretty hard right now. I’m getting tired. But yeah like I mean I don’t know. I guess the next time I see a lady and uh,

She seems interesting and I look at her if she looks back. I’m just going to say, hey and I’m not going to freak out and run off.

No matter how hard it seems at first, it’s always better. And I did this at my last job at the warehouse job at Target. I was, I started to like, come around and talk to people and that helped a lot. But then it’s like, when I started this job,

All that had went away. And I guess now that I feel like I’ve been here long enough too that I don’t have to. Like, I feel normal like a part of the, you know, Workforce Now like in a normal way. The new is all worn off. And uh, you know, I’m used to everybody and everybody’s used to me. I think. It’s like, yeah, so um

I guess I can be a person now, you know. I that’s how I feel like, feel like I can just be like, hey

And not make too big of a deal out of it. And, uh, you know, and then there’s the whole thing I like, do I really want to get mixed up with somebody from work because if it doesn’t work out, Um,

You know, I have to see them every day and I just I don’t know my brains. I think I’m, I think I’m going to far like into it.

But I do, I feel a lot better about myself now but it’s taken, took them getting all that crap out and the other posts and then my birthday and it’s like hey man.

You know, your life is actually pretty good right now. Yeah, it is.

God, compared to what it was last year.

And the year before.

Oh, last year was so hard. But,

I guess it always makes me happy. Makes me feel good about myself like on my birthday and just seeing how many people like give q shit like um, My team lead, bought me a cookie cake and that was really cool. And my roommate. She uh, got me some cupcakes and a card and a thing and, uh, A whole bunch of people wished me. Happy birthday. My aunts called me and some of my aunts texted me. And a whole bunch of people wrote Happy Birthday on my wall on Facebook. My cousins, uh, messaged me, my friend Jessi Wells messaged me.

My friend. Justin emailed me? Yeah. Like you know,

My kids even my ex wife and my dad uh wished me a happy birthday that made me. Happy is sometimes. As much as I have.

You know, it’s okay. Yeah. Like I don’t I was going to say like but guess who didn’t? Guess who didn’t wish me a happy birthday? My goddamn sister, yeah, that was pretty shitty.

I was just thinking about that. That was actually 1 thing. I was thinking about earlier, I was in the shower, I was thinking about my sister and I was like, she didn’t even wish me a happy birthday and neither, did my friend, Brandon. Kelley. Yeah, which I mean you know

I,

I don’t know what he even does anymore. The last few times I’ve tried to message him It’s he hasn’t really like Whoohoo, I don’t care.

Yeah. I don’t know.

There’s no telling.

But um,

Yeah, it was it was like why didn’t my sister wish Me a happy birthday?

But then, you know, she’s

She still hasn’t had the memorial service For Mom. You know, I don’t know what all

Is up with that.

That’s another like rant though. For another day I don’t really want to go off talking about my sister. But I figured she could at least wish me a happy birthday, you know?

Oh gosh, oh, I guess it’s time for me to edit this and post it, and then, um,

Fall asleep. For a few hours or something. Yeah, I’m really starting to get tired now. But um, I don’t know, I guess that’s, uh, That’s why I haven’t made a post.

Yesterday, I was gonna say since my birthday but that was just Thursday. Haha

Um, Shit. I don’t know. It’s I’m just glad. I’m on days next week so I can get my brains readjusted, you know. At least for a little while.

And uh, I do, I feel a lot better about myself. Like a whole lot It’s great. So uh, you know, maybe

Maybe I can at least like,

Be a person and um, you know, if some chick if it gets like

6:24 AM
Goes in that direction. Maybe I can at least ask her out on a date. You know how the last time it’s been almost 3 years since I asked Anybody out and it was that Tiffany chick and then before her, you know, it had been since Stephanie So and that that was March. Of 2021. Yeah, so I mean shit.

I don’t, I don’t do stuff like that, though.

Normally, I’m not normal. I don’t date. I don’t have like a, you know,

I just don’t do stuff like that. A lot of people do. You know that’s like a normal thing that I don’t, you know, I don’t have any I don’t do that.

But I figured, you know, maybe I could start. Yeah it was at least a little bit or something I guess the problem I have and here I am like going off on another bunch of crap when I could just probably ought to just stop and edit this and post it. But um,

It’s hard for me to find somebody. I can like I have stuff in common with yeah because my tastes and interests are so eclectic.

It’s actually so much that I’ve I put that aside. After I met my, uh, ex fiance because her and I had all that shit in common. But um, like it’s like, you’re never going to find anybody who likes Russophone music like you do or you know, who listens to Jonathan Richman you know?

And that’s just part of it.

So, I don’t know.

Yeah, now I’m really tired. Oh my gosh, my brain.

Oh my goodness. Well, hopefully I can edit this.

And not fall asleep while I’m doing it that has happened before. Haha yay

Thank you. Please.