MONDAY EVENING

5:05 PM
Oh, I’m tired. And my shoulder is killing me, too. Oh my God. I was going to go to the gym but

I usually don’t go to the gym on Mondays. Yeah I’m just like you know, Monday is usually I come back to work and I’m like fuck. Ow. Oh,

Right. Haha. Yeah.

Also.

This is going to sound really stupid, but I get I get like

Stupid nervous. Going into the gym on days because that chick is in there that chick. Yeah. Oh my goodness.

It makes me so nervous that actually, um, Even the last time I was on day shift, I hardly even went in there. Like, and there was a few times I waited until after 5:00, because she leaves at 5:00. To go in there because it makes me so nervous. Isn’t that crazy? Yeah, but that’s like That’s just, that’s who I am. You know.

Shit, makes me nervous.

And I still like, Oh my God, I guess I’m still afraid to fall in love again. Or, you know, all that goes with that. Yeah, like getting hurt.

But I’ve been hurt too much. Like,

It’s so bad sometimes. And then, you know, I analyze it, I look back, you know, um, and think about it. It’s like, I’ve loved Some really awful women, though. Yeah, like

I, don’t think I, I’ve never had, I have never had a real, like, healthy.

Relationship at all, you know, and that’s another big reason I’ve been single for so long.

Because,

Yeah, haha like you know the big ones uh which was my ex-wife mostly, that was not. That was really not.

I don’t understand, I really don’t how I spent 18 years with her. Sometimes it just hits me. I don’t know. You’d think I’d be past all this shit more than I am. But um, God. And then, you know, my ex fiance that was 1 of the worst things that ever happened to me. And then, my last girlfriend,

And the 1 before her, you know, and the other 2 I guess, you know, that just It was just some bullshit 2 month, you know, fucking

Me being stupid.

All yep. And I just, I don’t know. I don’t really

I’m so tired. Yeah, that’s a lot of it. That’s, I mean, that’s the main reason I didn’t go into the gym today because I’m fucking exhausted. And,

My shoulder hurts, even though going to the gym, would probably help. I left my ibuprofen at home, which I just got home and took some. Um, when did I get home about

20 minutes ago or something.

I’m also in kind of a crappy mood, and I’ve got to do my chores. And I’m waiting until, this ibuprofen kicks in and I’m just hanging out in my bed. I’m like gosh. It feels so nice to do nothing right now. But I way overdid it. Yesterday, like I got drunk and then I took those holes, I dug them. Yeah. Uh that was a lot actually. Cuz I had to dig them pretty deep like 2 feet deep through like a bunch of like red clay. And the top I guess the first 7 or 8 inches was really hard.

Like top soil, And then after that, it was just sticky. You know, it was hard and I dug them pretty deep. It took about

Took about 30 minutes.

45 minutes for each Hole. Yeah, it did.

And they had me on a process. Today, uh, 2 quarters Not in a row but like second quarter.

And wait first quarter. Yeah. Uh, and third quarter. That’s those uh that process is rough on my right shoulder and then because I have to hang this brake pedal.

Yeah, and it’s like God and then uh my the last process I did is I have to like hold this gun up over my head. It’s a a

Screw gun.

Thing. It shoots bolts. I guess it’s a bolt gun, haha.

Uh, and that’s hard on my right shoulder.

So I guess all that combined digging, the holes and my hands are so sore and there’s blisters on them. Yeah. Are there were there? Like popped and just open sores now. Haha ha. Yeah. But I just didn’t feel like going into the gym.

I also regretted not going into the gym but it’s like, dang, you know, cut yourself some slack.

That’s 1 of the most beautiful. Sweetest ladies I’ve ever seen in my life. Yeah, I know. Oh, she is, she’s like she goes around and like, gives people uh, like

Um, I guess doctors their crap, I don’t know like ointments and I don’t know exactly what her job title is. And what all that entails, I just see her come to our line, sometimes uh, our team.

Has the hardest process in the plant. Yep. And uh, it’s so hard actually. That they’ve been doing a lot of, uh, revisions to the process and to the whole thing. Like,

It’s just so,

It’s the hardest process I’ve ever done, like I had some, I had 1 really shitty 1, at Honda. Uh, and it was not, I thought it was the worst thing I’d ever done. Until I did this 1 process, I guess I’m not going to, you know, go into detail about it but some of the shit’s pretty hard.

Anyways though. Um yeah her job is she like goes around and does stuff gives people like I guess.

You know, they have like hot. And cold, you know packs. Yeah. And ointment things. I think she hands those out and, uh, they have this stuff called EI. Yeah, and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what that stands for either, but people go do that. I’ve never done it.

Um, because I don’t know, I’m like y’all are just a bunch of babies. Haha

But at the same time, I’m also crazy, you know, I have a really High tolerance for stupid bulshit when it comes to work, and I’m a lot tougher than average.

Like, I don’t know. I’ve done stuff. That. Most people would be like, they would not have done.

Some of it is because I had to do it and then some of it is because you know, it’s like, hey,

But I get that from my dad. Yeah, my dad, like I can talk about all kinds of stuff but he’s the toughest guy. I know my house. Remodeling boss is the second toughest guy. Yeah, but like nobody was more tough and crazy than my dad.

I guess he still is, you know. But um holy shit.

Yeah, I get all that from him.

Well, for example. Uh, oh, um

Oh God, the uh coolant reservoir cap was stripped out on this car. I had I was fucking with I guess it’s been 4 years ago, it was in 2021 like July of 2021. And I opened the hood, the car overheated and I like, like, touched the fucking thing, and it popped off and sprayed, uh, coolant all over my fucking arm, right? Oh my gosh. And, uh, I ran like a medially. I had, I had went to Arby’s. Um, so uh, immediately I like

Uh, poured my cup. I had a large uh Fanta with ice, you know? Pour that all over it. And there was a Drink Machine like right next up to where I pulled over, it’s hard to explain, there’s like this Alleyway thing going to a main Highway um, From the back side of the Arby’s in Boaz. And oh my gosh, though. I burned the fucking shit out of my arm and

Oh, But,

I had to call my boss, my house remodeling boss to come get me and I was like, yeah, I burnt my arm. I got to, you know, all this stuff, long story short, though. Um, My arm was really fucked up for about a week about about 2 or 3 weeks. Actually and we went on this fucking trip. My arm was all like this big crazy fucking blister all over. It blisters all over it. Yeah from that it was just fucking crazy. And uh I worked like a crazy ass. I kept uh Neosporin on like all over it. Uh, all the time. And it hurt so bad but I did like crazy ass house. Remodeling work, we redid the ceiling and we made a tile shower and all kind of stuff. Uh, it was about a week’s worth of work. We had to do. And I did the whole thing with my arm all fucked up like that. Yep.

And like, nobody could believe it my house remodeling boss cuz I kind of hid it a little bit, I kept my arm like, you know, hidden like tucked in. So nobody could really tell how awful it was and when we got there and he saw it like he got a really good. Look at it, he was like holy fucking shit dude. Like he wouldn’t have let me come down there if he would have known it was that bad. Yeah and it was and I guess I should post some pictures of it. But stuff like that, nobody else. Nobody else would have, uh,

Worked with with their arm. All fucked up like that with a burn, they probably would have went to the damn emergency room. You know, I didn’t

But, um, I don’t know.

Sometimes I get really tired of like just being a human now,

I really do.

Like, sometimes it just it’s like I’ve done so much shit. I’ve been through so much crap.

It’s like it gets old. So, you know,

But, At the same time, I feel like my life is finally starting to come together again.

Which also scares me about getting mixed up with anybody, like some lady. But there’s no way. Like the, what am I trying to say about that, right? Like that chick, you know that I just mentioned, there’s no way like if I got mixed up with her that she’s as awful. As the Twin Flame chick was or my last girlfriend or my ex fiance, or my ex-wife. And I do, I don’t talk about my ex-wife. Um,

As extensively as I could. But she was the worst 1. She was so mean, and Hateful and awful to me. All the time. Most of the time we had, we had our moments, though, when it was like, You know, it was decent. I always held out for it to get better. That was what kept me going a lot because I loved her so much but it didn’t it got worse.

Oh man. It’s all in those posts that I made password protected, which I’ll probably undo that at some point but for some reason after I like posted those a few days after that I was like, oh my God, what if she reads those, you know, but

Um, it’s not anything that wasn’t true. Yeah.

But she still has this total like complete lack of accountability. When it comes to me,

And that gets on my nerves. That was actually what

Compelled me to make those posts because we were talking about some crap. Uh, she’s like, yeah, you know, we get along. That’s what it was. Uh, she let me borrow some money and I paid her back. And she was like, you know, I don’t have any kind of hard feelings or animosity towards you anymore. And I’m like, Are you serious? Like do you have any idea?

Because a lot of the stuff she did to me, she was so fucked up out of her gourd and she’s sober now, you know, but like she doesn’t remember.

5:23 PM
Yeah. A lot of that crap. She knows to not remember

She doesn’t remember. Yeah, she knows not to remember, right? It just picked it up that way. She used to burn me with cigarettes and tell me I had to earn the right to be treated like a person

But that’s kind of the thing too if She read it. I wouldn’t want. I don’t know why though. It’s like yeah you really were that fucking bad. I mean, I tried to kill myself because of it like that’s that’s bad. That’s really, really bad.

I never thought anybody could ever make me feel as worthless. And fucking like,

To, to the get to the point where I you know, I didn’t want, I thought the world would be a better place without me, you know, I never thought anybody could ever like make me feel that way. But she did, she sure did. And then, you know, like, like my dad would always say like, you know, I don’t make you feel anything, you know, which is a total fucking manipulative, sack of shit thing to say, it’s like,

Uh, yeah, you know, when you’re like the You’re fucking somebody’s parent or Spouse. Yeah, you can make them feel all kind of ways. I make them feel fucking ways. All kinds of ways too, you know, it’s like I finally had enough of my dad’s shit and blew up at him 1 day at a chicken farm, like 30, some odd years of pent up bullshit, I just Unleashed on him and it really Really like, Like, I made him feel really afraid and small which was horrible. But he kind of deserved. To yeah. I mean, all the jokes he used to make about cheating on my mom and You know. Hell, he like straight up made jokes about hitting her at my grandmother’s memorial service. It’s like, you know, Who the fuck do you think you are?

Yeah, I mean for real though, this is like, that’s my dad. This is the kind of shit I had to deal with.

Stupid stupidity like on a level that it’s really hard to comprehend.

Like my mom left you for a really good reason. And of course, you know, he and she was, I mean, you know, but you know he could just go around and tell everybody she was crazy.

You know, so that just kind of like yeah well she was just crazy but he was also a Fucking stupid asshole.

What was my point about? Oh yeah, like yeah people can totally make you feel all kinds of ways I can make. I mean, yeah, that’s just a bullshit thing to say to somebody.

It’s like just to fuck with them even more and rub it in even more, you know, like I don’t make you feel shit, you know like you stupid. Fucking nothing’s ever. Good enough that you’ll ever do fucking person. Right? Yeah, I guess I am a my shoulder hurts like so bad that I got some I got this.

I’m drinking alcohol. Yeah, it sucks. But ibuprofen is starting to kick in. Thank God.

I’m fixing to get up and do my chores, so I don’t

I don’t have to worry about it. Yeah, I don’t. I don’t want to make. My roommate, mad. The 1. I give money to. Yeah. She’s the only person in this house. I care about what they think.

Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. I guess I am kind of in a mood.

But I really do like that chick from the gym. A lot. I mean, I don’t know what all that means if it means anything at all or whatever. But

She seems like a really good person. And that’s, you know, and I mean I need somebody like that. Whether it’s her, you know, it ends up being her or not, you know, like I’ve had enough of mean and crazy. Which is another reason I’ve been single for so long because I don’t trust my own judgment.

Well, it that’s gotten better too. I’ve had to like work on all that shit. And get comfortable. Like, you know, being me, And and being happy, just being myself, which is the way I was before I met my exwife, I didn’t give a shit. In the whole world if I ever had, you know, anybody Or not, you know it was like whatever. But then it happened and it it, it was an adjustment, but

You know, something really weird happened. It was like I loved her. So You know, a lot of stuff about her. I thought was really, really dumb. Like stuff that she thought, and

Uh well 1 time. I think, well, this, I mentioned this in 1 of those posts. I made password protected. But, uh, we got in an argument about the Challenger and the Columbia Space Shuttle, you know, the Challenger blew up in 1986. I remember it vividly because I was in kindergarten and everybody was watching it. You know, it was a big huge thing, and it was the Challenger and it exploded and she was like, no, it was the Columbia. That was the Columbia. And it’s like no no that that wasn’t. And she started just telling me how stupid I fucking was. So I had to go and this was

Well, I didn’t have, like, I had dollop internet, you know? So we didn’t dial up. Yeah, internet. Haha So, you know, I didn’t go look stuff up on the Internet so much. This was before cell phones, this was like 2000.

I want to say this was 2002. Yeah. And anyways, I went to the encyclopedia and I looked it up and I showed her in the encyclopedia. I was like Challenger. It’s the Challenger and she had had been such a mean condescending piece of shit about it.

Oh, that I just kind of reacted to that. It was like yeah there you go dip shit and she got so fucking mad that she didn’t talk to me the whole rest of the night and she stayed on her phone playing brick attack on her little flip phone. And I don’t even think we slept in the same bed that night Yeah, I don’t remember though that but I mean she was so mad that she was wrong. She was so wrong. And that pretty much summed up our whole 18 years together for real.

Yeah.

Don’t get. Yeah, don’t go off about that. You know, it’s just I still can’t believe I spent

My entire adult life until I was 37. With her and just I took I didn’t well I didn’t take her shit all the time, but It could have been so great if she would have been a lot more if it could have been a lot more even, you know, it was it was so 1-sided and it was all about her and

You hadn’t like nothing. Nothing. I did mattered to her nothing who I was or what I cared about or my dreams or anything. I don’t know why I’m still rambling on about this, but

All the fucking bullshit about all that starts flooding back when I seriously start thinking about Getting into another relationship and I didn’t have any positive and, you know, reinforcements about that with the

String of failed romances. I had, uh, You know, after, but that is that’s why I’ve been single for so goddamn long, it’s like holy shit.

But that’s getting better, you know?

Crap, that was a lot. So

I’m going to have to dig back I guess and

Post some pictures of uh my arm, you know, it was really, really bad.

I want to say it took about 2 weeks. For it to get, you know, and you can’t even tell anything happened to it. Now Yeah, but I did, I took care of it. I kept Neosporin on it just like caked on the fucking all over it. So stuff wouldn’t

Uh,

Infect it. Yeah. Like, if it got crap on it it just it got on the Neosporin and not my um,

Wound.

Yeah, it was like second degree burns.

It wasn’t third degree but it was, I don’t know this 1. Kevin our coworker, he tried to tell me how fucking stupid I was and I need to go to the emergency room. That my arm was going to rot off or something, but I’m like, dude.

The second degree burns, like shut up, but you don’t know anything.

Crap. Well, I guess that

I guess I just got a lot of dumb shit out. But uh,

I also just made me.

Miss house remodeling? Yeah, I miss house. Remodeling a lot. Oh nostalgia

Yeehaw.

Thank you, please.