MEEEEEEEEEƏ

2:23 PM
Oh my goodness. I just got back from Sam’s Club. I got sushi. Yeah, I had a piece of pizza, but I don’t know. The pizza just isn’t that great sometimes from the cafe. It’s really not. The last actually, the last whole Pizza. I got I couldn’t even eat it. I was like, yuck.

Yeah, it was like that the the last time I got a whole pizza from Costco too, I was like damn, it’s just, you know, after the first 4 pieces. It starts to taste like, The garbage, it really is. Haha That’s why it’s so cheap. Yeah. I think a lot of the oh Gosh I should have just got a hot dog. Yeah, you can’t ever. Can’t go wrong with hot dogs. Haha.

But uh,

I haven’t smoked today. Yeah, and I want I have to stop. I have to let my vocal chords uh, get better.

It really sucks. It’s fine. I’m just gonna I’m gonna stop singing crazy shit at work, too. For a couple of weeks. I think I need to just rest my vocal cords.

Maybe they’ll come back better than ever that usually happens actually. Quitting smoking. I mean I just have to Because I don’t smoke like I smoke cigars, most of the time like Black and Milds and They’re pretty abrasive. I don’t know. I shouldn’t ever have.

I should never smoke. Yeah.

But I went to Sam’s Club and I walked around for a little bit. I was cuz I didn’t know exactly. I knew I wanted sushi but I wanted something else. And so I just walked around looking at all the crap, and then it hit me. I was like, well, just get more sushi. Ya there really wasn’t anything. I don’t know and I’m tired. I’m really tired. I fell asleep right after I made that post that last post I was like

I just laid down and fell asleep for about 3 hours. Yep.

I also have a reading, uh, Tuesday. I almost forgot about this chick. The who I bought the car from, she’s a psychic. And I hit her up.

I want to say, it’s been 2 months ago, almost it was when I was on day shift the last time. Yeah. And I was like, hey can I get a reading done? And uh, She was like, yeah and we just haven’t Coordinated it. Well enough yet to uh,

For it to happen. So but hopefully Tuesday. Yeah, it will and

No pecks on my blog today. I don’t know about yesterday because all the hits were kind of weird. But, uh, Brittany’s been all in my fucking brains the last hour or so. It’s like, I don’t know. I’m like, you know, I really wish I had a girlfriend.

This is so stupid but I do I’m like gosh, you know? And, uh, then she starts getting into my fucking brains and it’s like, well, I’m she has me blocked on Facebook right now and I’m not. This is just the whole thing, is it just got so stupid, but I get mad sometimes when I think about her, Because I cried about this chick more than I cried over my ex-wife. Yep. It’s like you know it could have been really great. I would have loved her.

More than I ever loved any other woman ever. Yeah. Like so much more it, it’s

I’ve made up actually quite a few songs about it. So 1 of them is called waste of a love story, and it’s really sad. It’s like, excruciating. Oh, I made up a lot of songs actually about her that, uh, It’s kind of like I made up a lot right after the divorce that were horrible. Just horrible. Like I can’t ever revisit those songs and that’s I guess about this is about 5 of them. Uh, I got Probably 3. After, you know, like the last year or so,

Because of Brittany and it’s just like, you know, this is so dumb. And it makes me question like the whole point of love and romance, and

You know, there’s a lot of other crap like the

Chemical, you know. Psycho logical.  Haha What’s what?

Do I have to try to? What’s the words? Hold on.

It’s you know, it’s it’s it’s all this other, it’s all this crap. It’s like in its Part cultural conditioning too. Um, you know, it’s like that and uh,

You grow up. If you watch Disney movies, I got to watch all the Disney movies I could stand. When I was a kid, all the classic ones, you know, it’s like

People find each other true love and all that crap. What’s that movie? The Princess Bride? You know, I’ve always been looking for that. And I thought, you know,

I’d found it with my ex-wife like the first year or so. We were together. Yeah. Like I hate to just keep But I, I knew after a point that, That I didn’t know. I was like yeah I was I don’t know if this is this doesn’t really feel like love is supposed to be and I’m sure she could say the same thing. Yeah. Like she hated my fucking guts. That’s how she acted.

After a point I don’t know it. It was really That was really sad too.

But uh,

It’s just everything felt different about Brittany because I would get so nervous. It would make me so nervous, like I’d never felt that nervous around any lady ever before. Not even close.

Deep in the pits of my stomach like further than that. Like, you know,

That’s really sad.

Yeah, and I was so messed up. And she read about all that stuff and she was so mean to me. It hurt worse than I can describe with words

Like, I couldn’t believe it. I was like, what the fuck is this? You know.

Yeah.

Well, I hope she’s okay. Yeah. I mean I don’t I don’t really hate her or anything.

I don’t really know how to feel about her right now but it’s like, yeah, thanks for ruining my life.

I mean, everything’s getting better now but it’s still. It’s like, geez. I didn’t get to.

Get to see my kids on a regular basis for a year and I can’t put into words how much I miss my kids all the time. My son called me earlier. Um, He made a bow and some arrows out of Sticks. He found and it was actually kind of funny. He sent me a video of it and it’s like, wow, that actually, you know, and it shoots and everything. But um, I have a bow actually have 2. In my storage unit, I don’t have a lot of, I don’t think I have any arrows in there because him and his sister

Lost them when I lived in The Farmhouse. We would, uh,

Like, go there. Sometimes. And, Just hang out. My ex-wife wouldn’t. Let them stay. Like spend the night over there. That’s how that’s how bad that place was. Yeah. Uh, but sometimes we’d come out there like and just play around, you know, with stuff because I can’t believe that’s been 4 years since I lived in that house. Yeah, almost almost 4 years. I left, I got in there November of 2018 and I left in November of 2021 like almost 3 years to the day, it was really crazy.

And those were some of the most magical special fucked up years of my life. Yeah, like Wow. To look back on all that, and I still need to post pictures of like how that place how it looked when I first moved in. Nobody else would have lived there but then how much worse it looked because I had just caved completely in. From like it was like Beyond depression. You know, I was like a walking fucking corpse for a long time. The only time I ever felt any kind of Like Joy or or happy anything, any kind of positivity was when I was around my kids you know, the rest of the time I was just

Uh, a not person.

Yeah.

I was like, Oh, so awful and I’m finally getting to where I’m better. About that. But I talked extensively about all this shit in my other blog. And she did she read a lot of those posts. Brittany did. And it’s like I still don’t understand. It’s like is she really like that, shitty of a person? Do I really like somebody that fucking shitty, That fucking much? You know, like what the fuck? I just don’t understand, like love and romance and all that is always just been

More than elusive. It’s like retarded stupid. Bullshit just for me it’s like yep. Like you want that? Nope. I know you get to like you get to make a bunch of shit up in your head about it but then you know,

It’s like, no, the reality is. It’s just, it’s not there.

It’s really weird.

Because I’ve never and it I’ll say I’ve never like had a healthy fulfilling relationship and I do realize that you know,

I’m the common denominator.

Yeah, that doesn’t make me feel great but then it’s also the people I gravitate towards

You know, I’ve I go after these. Well, I don’t really go after it’s just that’s who I’m drawn to. Is women, This is really like a nice way to put. That is the ladies who need the most love. Yeah. I am drawn to the women who need the most love.

That’s uh,

Yeah, that’s a nice way to put it.

Haha, but uh like that’s kind of the thing though. Um, in a few instances, you know, once they get it, they can’t handle it. It’s crazy. Yeah, that’s how my ex fiance was and uh, my last 2 girlfriends were just like what?

Worse than any drug, that’s what That’s what more than 1 woman has told me.

Yeah, makes me feel horrible.

That’s why I’ve been single for 4 and a half years. And why I run away, Yep. I don’t trust my own heart anymore.

That’s complicated, I guess. Yeah, it’s a complicated mix of like

I have standards like uh because I removed those standards for a while I was like you know, I’m not too good for anybody and I am actually in reality but Like there’s also a part of me that doesn’t feel like I deserve. I deserve it, you know I feel like I still feel like I was gigantic failure with my marriage and everything even though that was not

That was a lot more harder. You know, that was a lot more of her crap. It was a whole lot more than it ever. Was me. I just loved her, you know. Um, I talk about this shit way too much, but there it’s still, it’s just like gosh. I really do wish I had somebody and I live in Huntsville. Now,

You know, this is a lot more Cosmopolitan of a place than I’ve ever lived.

And uh, You know, I just

I guess, especially the weekends, I don’t get to see the kids. So you know, that’s what, like, when I’m with my kids. I don’t give a fuck about any of this shit, but

You know, here I am. I’m like dang

I do I feel kind of run down today. I think I’ve been, uh, 1 of my roommates is sick.

I hear her sneezing and sniffling and stuff and she had a Netty Pot. I think it was yeah, it was this morning I saw That and um I think it’s the time of year weather changing and stuff.

Uh,

Atmosphere, I guess changing. I always, you know, the transition between Seasons, my brains. Yeah I just I I’m I get susceptible to like

2:39 PM
Colds and I haven’t really rested a whole bunch. This weekend. I was pretty busy yesterday, working on some music.

And stuff. And uh today though I’ve been, I got the my other 2 chores finished and I have been so fucking lazy.

I mean, I just don’t have a lot of energy, it’s not

Yeah, I spend lots of energy through the week.

I kind of want to take a nap. I should do it

But I think that’s the other thing that’s wrong with my voice. I think I’ve got like some kind of crud I’ve been fighting off, uh, for

A couple of weeks. Yeah.

I haven’t got all this coffee.

To, I have, I said, I’ve got all this coffee, God. My voice is, it’s all Gravely and shitty.

Yeah, it’s it’s time to stop smoking for a while.

Well, I made it a month and a half.

Uh gosh I have though I’m just like repeating myself from shit. I’ve said

In the posts this weekend, what did I make?

2. Yesterday.

Did I make 2 yesterday? Or did I make 3? I don’t remember.

But yeah, I don’t know. Like I just start thinking, you know, it’s like gosh, I really, really, really do wish I had somebody and then Brittany will start popping my brains. And she just went too far. Like I, I’m scared of her still. It’s like it sucks. It really does.

She was way too mean to me for me to like,

Like it’s like it’s like she just she would do it again she would be mean to me again. I was like, oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. It’s like

Yeah, she could totally

I don’t trust it you know, because I felt like all this love stuff and then I would be like hey and I don’t understand why she was so awful. I really don’t.

But she hasn’t pecked on my blog today

I don’t know if because sometimes I mean, she doesn’t. She, there’s no telling, I don’t know what her life’s like, I don’t look at her social media anymore. She doesn’t really post. Well, she posts some stuff like big stuff. I’ve noticed, like she’ll post. I think she got her. Massage therapist certificate or something.

After she left the second car factory, but it’s like

Uh shit. It’s been what? At least 2 months since I’ve looked at any of her stuff.

Probably longer than that. Yeah.

I don’t remember. Oh, let’s see. Yeah, I know this is really stupid.

This is a stupid to talk about, but that is like, this is my reality right now. That’s all the I’m just like derp.

God.

You people are looking at my last reel but it still hasn’t

Reached 100 views yet.

Let’s see. When did she block me when I made this post? With the chickens

Gosh, that was August.

Around the first week in August, so,

Yeah, I guess about 2 months ago. Because after she blocked me this last time I didn’t even bother like looking at her crap. I was like, you know, she just you know, she can look at my stuff constantly enough to block me though

She could message me or at least send me a friend request or something as like, You know, if she really wanted me to message her, if she really wanted something. You know, with me like for real, it would have already happened. And that’s that’s you know, something I have to keep reminding myself of

You know.

I don’t know what the fuck.

But like the juxtapositions between like, you know, my logical brain, and what makes sense, and then my feelings, it’s like, you know, it’s, uh,

It doesn’t make sense. You know.

Because the evidence, you know, she’s a psychotic fucking awful person but then like you know, my heart, the rest of it like the feelings part

I don’t know, you know what I’m trying to say but like uh, yeah, my feelings are like love, I love her. You know, it’s like fucked up. But hey yeah, that’s exactly what happened with my ex fiance.

And that’s what happened and that’s how it was with my ex-wife too

It’s like, you know, here’s this woman who treats me like garbage. And takes me for granted, but I love her. You know.

Yeah.

Maybe I should see a therapist. I don’t know, but then I’ve got that reading Tuesday, and maybe that’ll help. Give me a little perspective. Actually, that’s 1 of the things I’ve been trying to think, like, what the hell do I want to know? Well like

That’s starting to make a like that goes away and comes back. Like I wonder, yeah, like what about this whole twin flame thing? I’ve had to deal with For like the last couple of years. Yeah. Really like 2 and a half years now, it’s been

3 years. Yeah, the last 3 years. Oh, that’s a good safe. Time frame haha

Because she started driving me nuts. I remember, um, oh my God.

Yeah, it was about this time 3 years ago.

She found my Facebook page. Yeah. So I guess after the last 3 years, I’ve had to deal with anyways and it goes away and it comes back, you know, it does.

I guess, you know. Talking about it helps but it does. It this looks I know this makes me look fucking retarded as hell but hey. You know, my heart’s always in the right place, that’s like,

That’s 1 of my redeeming qualities, I guess. Yeah, you know. It’s like, hey.

Feelings are always valid you sometimes you have to You know, analyze them a little bit and figure it out.

I don’t know.

But I do, I have a big stupid heart and I love so much. So so much. Oh my Goodness

Thank you. Please.