THURSDAY AAFTEERNOON

3:18 PM
Dang.

No, I just woke up like wow, yeah.

Talk about tired. I’ve been really tired this week. I slept for about 9 hours and I’m still tired. Hahaha.

I wonder sometimes though, maybe, if there is something wrong with me, but

I just work a lot. I go to the gym. I don’t get enough sleep. I didn’t get a lot of sleep, like last week. But this week, I made it a point to rest more.

I’m not doing anything this weekend.

I did a lot last weekend. And um, I think that’s 1 reason I was. I’ve been so tired this week.

I just don’t rest. Yeah.

Factory work.

Well, car factory work. Yeah, this is the hardest job I’ve ever had actually. I have 1 process. That is so hard.

It just wears you out, you know? But I’m not going to be doing it forever. Hopefully, I can get into the maintenance program in like 4 months. You know, I’m already halfway. You know, over the

Hump, I guess. I’ve been there 8 months next week. So, it’s Just flown by too

I had some really crazy dreams a dream that I was, uh, Doing my own house remodeling business and I had a big nice like Duramax. Diesel truck like we used to have when I had the generator business with Dad.

And, uh, I was like making blog posts talking about how Hard. My life was after I left the business but it was hard as shit. Then too, I was miserable. Was miserable as hell working for my dad. I worked fucking 12 to 15 hours a day.

All my friends were always like the ones I grew up with like Eric and Brandon, they were jealous because I was like doing this shit and making a bunch of money but they couldn’t have put the fucking time in like I did to do it or deal with my fucking dad.

Or work with my step cousin. You know who I trained. And that was not easy.

I think I talked my dad out of firing him about a dozen times. Yeah it’s a lot to talk about though. I did that shit for 10 years that was my whole life. That and being married to my ex-wife and I tried to like fit in what I wanted to do. Um, like music and stuff. And then, of course, when the kids were born, that’s all I cared about. And I didn’t get to. I didn’t get to spend enough time with my kids. After my daughter was born. I took about 2 weeks off. And me and my dad, got in this gigantic fight about The it’s like what the hell’s wrong with you, you know?

Like I have a baby like she was just born. Same thing with my son, too, like it was always some bullshit with Dad like that, but that’s the kind of dad he was too. He was never there. Never around when I was a kid. Except, you know, when he came home, it was all about his crap. And when I wanted to spend any time with my dad, I had to go to work with him, you know?

I never learned anything like from my dad about life except work.

It’s really kind of funny and he was gone all the time because he was in the military. Yeah, my dad. He’s been all over the world. But he did that a lot because he didn’t really want to be around my mom.

I think, yeah, I don’t think Dad really cared about anything but working and making money

And his, you know, being a badass fucking dude. I mean, he was Nobody ever said their dad could beat up my dad. I used to run 4 miles a day. He could curl 150 pounds with 1 arm you know, it’s like nobody messed with my dad. Nobody’s still messes with my dad. It’s like he’s 70 something years old, he’s still scary as hell.

But anyways, it’s just I was, I had a dream about all that and I was like But I was doing house remodeling because I actually enjoyed that kind of work more.

Oh my house. Remodeling boss reminded me a lot of my dad except you know, if like my dad did the house remodeling and not in the military.

But Dad got into like generators and satellite Communications and stuff in the military and he got uh, started doing it, you know, on the civilian side. For extra money and just built a business up over like a decade or so and

Ended up having a lot of health problems because he did work so hard and work all the time. It’s, uh, he had to have back surgery and neck surgery and that’s how I got into business with him. He wouldn’t leave me alone about it either. More than anything else. He wouldn’t leave me alone about it, he actually kind of he, he manipulated me into the business. It was uh I didn’t really have much of a choice in it. But I couldn’t have lived with myself. If I haven’t done it, it was like, it was like a

He needed my help. It was it’s complicated, I guess.

And I could have handled either just being in business with my dad or being married and my ex-wife. But I ended up, I could not handle both. It was so much. My ex-wife was so like

Controlling and demanding about everything too. And she was not happy about living in in Martling, like out in the country where I grew up and she was not happy about me working for my dad, because it made me crazy.

And uh, But there was a lot of stuff.

Also, I was just I’d gotten way in over my head and after, like, you know, I had got going, I was like, you know, I don’t really want to do any of this.

But I was so embedded with everything I couldn’t get out. I finally got by the time I finally got away from my dad and got out of the business. You know, it was really too late for my marriage as far as like, I as being able to pick 1 or the other like, You know, my ex-wife after a point I think she just wanted kids out of me and then that was it. But,

I’m still like 7 years later. You know, I’m still really screwed up from all that, the way everything ended and I was actually going to get back into business with my dad, but that it didn’t work out though. That way at all. And You know, from like a practical. You know, it’s just to look at it from the outside, it probably seemed like a really good gig, you know? I mean

Shit, he had cornered the generator market like we were the only Uh,

Reputable generator company like as far as techs and stuff go in like our area like in about 200 mile radius. But that’s all we did is work like my step cousin couldn’t even hang with it. He would get mad. It’s like he he had this thing where he would just, you know, he only wanted to work fucking like 8 hours. A day. And, you know, a lot of times he would stop at 4:30 and I would have to go back out and do It more. Stuff. And that would do like that wouldn’t get home until like,

Oh gosh. And Dad. He wouldn’t ever stop.

It’s crazy.

It really is. But he wouldn’t have been able to continue doing the generator business in the capacity that he wanted to without me. And, You know. That was all lost on him and I left the business with nothing. I could have gotten. Several hundred thousand dollars out of that but I didn’t because it was my dad, you know, and I thought

Thought maybe, you know, it was, I didn’t care. Really, I was so miserable. Anyways, by the time I got out of the business and we ended up selling the house and moving to Gadsden, which made me miserable because I hate Gadsden.

Anyways. Oh, I was just thinking though, that’s what my dream was about.

So, and I was making a blog post like this in my dream, but I had a big truck. Like what I used to drive doing generators and but I was doing house remodeling.

And I was happy. Yeah, it was funny.

I had went to do like some Like outside fence work like it was for like the these people’s porch.

And uh she paid me for it. Um, it was funny.

She gave me like $50 in cash, in a check for $20. So it was like seventy dollars. Haha

It seemed like there was more to my dream too. Yeah there was something about the house I used to live in with my ex-wife. I can’t remember. I think I had a party.

And my mom was in my dreams somewhere and I miss my mom. Every time I look at this picture, I got on the.

Dresser I guess is what this is. It’s got a mirror on it.

Uh, every time I see that picture, it’s like a picture of me when I was 3 and my mom, I miss my mom. It like it sucks.

My mom was a really complicated person toop

Yeah, she was a gospel musician.

But she was also, you know, she had a lot of uh, other problems and She couldn’t really get along with anybody and she was really competitive with other females, which included my sister. And my daughter and my nieces and it was really crazy. I didn’t understand it, but none of them. Could like stand to be around her except my like my little the littlest nieces. The ones that were like, you know, the 2 youngest ones, they they didn’t really. Like after they hit a certain age, my mom would start getting competitive with them. It was weird. And I remember like she was like that with my sister especially after her, and my dad got divorced, my sister lived with my mom for about 8 months. And she got like she changed schools. She ended up like to get away from my mom. It got so bad. It was like,

And,

Yeah, it was really bad. That’s 1 reason why I was so, um, Apprehensive about taking my mom to my sisters after she got us kicked out of the apartment. That’s why I put us up in a motel room for so long. Of course I was looking at my Facebook memories, you know,

I guess this morning. Yeah, after I got off work and It was like,

Dang. This time last year I was like, living in my car. I had posted where I took a shower in a truck stop and it cost 17 dollars.

It was, uh, Crazy. That was that was uh gosh. I guess, I guess that lasted for about a month. And then I got um, got into where I live now. I’ve lived here almost a year now.

It sure does beat, you know, living in your car. I tell you.

Living out of your car.

It could have been a lot worse though. Yeah, at least I had a car.

But yeah, what a crazy dream.

It’s just thinking about all that.

You know, and in a perfect world which, you know, the world is not, uh, everything can go. Could have been great. There was a lot of really good parts to my life, though. Like my house where I lived. Um with my ex-wife, even though she hated it, uh we had the dogs which was really cool.

You know, we had a really comfortable life except we couldn’t get high speed internet.

3:33 PM
Yeah, that’s what. I think that’s what more than anything else. Pissed. My ex-wife off about there because she was a city girl. And she was used to all that conveniences and stuff and You know, you had to drive 30 minutes into town to get groceries or anything, you know? If you just wanted to go to the store or get You couldn’t get pizza delivered. You know like if you wanted to go like to talk about it was a you had to drive into town. Which is how I grew up. I didn’t care, but she, that was a big deal. The fact that I was, you know, a Backwoods country person, and she was a upper middle class. Suburban white girl made a huge. That was like a huge

Like divisive. Um,

Force, I guess our Backgrounds were so different but you know I loved her more than anything. I sure did and she ended up getting this really good job too though that she hated and still hates. But uh it’s a great job.

If there was a lot, like that was great about our lives, especially after the kids were born. I didn’t even care. You know, there were a few times when I was like, you know, why am I married to this mean ass fucking woman, you know, But after the kids were born, I didn’t even give that a second thought it was like, Hey, we’re a family and I still haven’t gotten used to being by myself, like I never got over that losing a family and all that but that’s all I cared about. It was the best my life ever was.

You know.

Gosh, I know a lot of it, you know, was drugs and alcohol, she got real bad on pills and She had a horrible drinking problem. I didn’t understand I was on a lot of medication. To deal with it. That’s the only reason I was on medication was because I was having to deal with her crap. And when I was in business with my dad, it just it got where I was I was just suffocating under all this shit. So like I got on medication.

And that fucked me up. Pretty bad, especially when I had to come off of it because I ran out of it. And ran out of money and insurance. And it was like, oh yeah. Okay.

Like I just had to practically stopped taking it cold turkey and I had benzo withdrawals and That was awful. I was just thinking, you know, there’s a reason why I’m so screwed up Still, but I’m a lot better. But I mean shit like that, you know, like just all this crap and then it’s just, you know, I met my ex fiance

You know, uh, 7 years ago which

Ruined my life, but I was still on medication then, and then, you know, everything got blown apart and I hated myself for all that. And, uh,

That’s kind of 1 of the reasons I talked about like why I’m so scared to fall in love again.

It’s like, gosh, and and you know this all of what I am and who I am, none of that was good enough. Wasn’t good enough for my ex-wife and it wasn’t good enough for My ex fiance.

It wasn’t good enough for Stephanie either and it’s like, well, I must not be that great. And then somebody like Brittany comes along and it wasn’t hard to fuck with me. Like she did, anybody else probably wouldn’t even had that effect on anybody else would have had her arrested Yeah, she would have been in jail if she would have done that, to anybody else?

Yep. But uh, you know, that’s a big reason why it was able to mess me up like it did. I’m crazy. I really am and it sucks.

And I thought about, actually, I’ve got this open enrollment, my insurance is all screwed up, where I work, because I worked there before, and I’ve got to straighten that out next week. I don’t feel like doing it this week.

But um, Shit. Oh, my brains. Yeah. Um, I have though, I am well rested right now compared to what I was yesterday.

But yeah, I thought about getting back on medication. Yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking. A lot of the last couple of weeks, it would probably help.

I don’t know what else to say.

Um,

Yeah, I just had a crazy dream and it sparked all that but sometimes I do have this like overwhelming Nostalgia for my old life. That was my old life. The the when I was married like this is I don’t know if I would call this the post divorce. Phase anymore. I think Brittany ended that. This is like something completely different. I don’t know what phase I’m in actually. Right now.

But uh,

My ex fiance all that kind of defined my the post divorce. Phase.

Um, which I think ended.

Yeah. Oh, I’m just repeating myself.

I’m going to smoke a cigarette. I’m going to go outside and smoke a cigarette, and edit this, and Fucking get ready for work because I have to go and get

Food. I have to get

Out of fifty dollars. I have fifty dollars. Yeah, I have to get food and I got to get through tonight and tomorrow night and then it’s the weekend.

Yay. Thank you, please.