SUNDAY MORNING

5:14 AM
Cough cough.

C.

Cough, cough. Cough cough.

Yeah, that’s what I’m doing. Haha

Sitting in my car.

Smoking.

I live in the suburbs. Of Huntsville, Alabama. This is a pretty cool neighborhood, though.

There’s the house directly across the street that I never see anyone coming in and out of but somebody Mows the grass and takes care of the yard. I see them parked out there sometimes.

It’s like a company with a big trailer.

I heard people voices. But then, they stopped.

I hear movement. But I can’t see anything. It’s still dark.

Some guy walked by earlier before I started talking with his dog.

I miss my dogs.

Yeah.

I had the best, really like beyond that. Yeah, they were like

Better than I could ever be. They were my first children.

I had 8 dogs at 1 time.

There was Boat. And Dave. And Gneegnerz

Barney which was short for Barnabas.

He was a mastiff mix. He was like The biggest dog ever. His paws were the size of my hands.

There was Tallula. She was a great dane and we had to get rid of her because she was so aggressive. She was a killing machine. I’ve heard people talk a lot of shit about great danes, but

Uh, we had a pitbull mix named nanner and she would just pick that dog up. This was a 70 lb dog and just shake her like a fucking like nothing. It was crazy.

I don’t know about 3,000 dollars worth of medical bills later, you know. She also mauled uh, my ex-mother-in-law’s little Dotson too

Which is, I think that was the biggest reason and she bit 1 of my neighbors and she was really aggressive towards other females like humans or dogs or anything. It was really messed up and, uh, the best we could figure. The breeder, you know, she wasn’t bred very well.

Um but man, I loved that, dog.

And Anna banana. That’s the 1. I just mentioned, yeah. Uh, let’s see. There was puzzles. Who I rescued from a chicken farm.

We had a little dog named Charlotte but she got ran over but then like that same weekend. We got Gneegnerz. So we were like, well that’s just Charlotte reincarnated. Yeah, that’s a long story, kind of we got her when she was like, I mean she was just born and she had 1 eyeball and the mother wouldn’t take her like, wouldn’t let her nurse or anything. So we took her from my friend Khasey.

And uh, that was my forever puppy until she died of a seizure. She lived to be 12. And in 2020, she died in my arms. It was so sad.

I used to want to like, find a lady who would love me as much as Gneegnerz did.

I’m still looking, yeah. It was, it was really funny how that little dog.

Um like my ex-wife’s, the 1 who, you know, took care of her when she was Tiny like that and nursed her and made her like, you know, live and stuff. Haha And uh she thought she was going to have herself a little lap dog, but Niners took up with me. It was funny.

Like she would sit in my lap all the time like no matter where I was at or what I was doing. And if anybody walked past, she would snarl and bark at them. Just this tiny little, you know, 6 pound chihuahua pomeranian mix. With one eyeball.

But I dream about my dogs like all the time. It’s funny.

I used to call into work, just to stay home. Sometimes, not all the time. You know, I wasn’t Wasn’t that bad but sometimes I would just call into work just to stay home and cuddle my puppies, like if it was raining or something. Or you know, I was just like gosh because they all slept in the bed with us you know me and my ex-wife

Talking about, um, you know, like

In my last post, talking about my dad and the person you know who I was which I still am. I guess it’s just

Like it tore me down so much like my dad was such a possessive, controlling asshole about everything and I was just this stupid punk, you know. I was just his punk ass ignorant, fucking son. Who saved his business? Yeah, and trained my step cousin that he couldn’t do, nobody. Nobody else could have trained. My step cousin.

It was like, It was 1 of the hardest things I ever did.

I don’t think anybody realizes, just how hard that was. He had some kind of mental like thing. Anyways, he was he could be very, very hard to deal with. And uh, It just, it was really sad how he ended up though. Yeah, last year. Um, I don’t really want to talk about that because it actually messed with me really bad. He was like, almost like a little. Brother or something to me.

So sad. But anyways, um,

Yeah, we had a pretty good life. Me and yeah, my ex-wife and like we really did.

Well she never was 100% happy though. And it wasn’t until the end that I realized she had been harboring all this. Fucking crazy resentment at me because

I don’t know why. You know, she’s the 1 who wanted to get married and have kids and have a normal life, you know? And It’s not that I didn’t, it’s that. If it hadn’t been for her, there’s no telling what I would have done. She’s the only reason that I had a normal life. You know, I thought we were doing what she wanted to do. She’s the 1 who woke me up hitting me for like 2 weeks straight. In 2005, like, would wake me up like at 3:00 a.m. 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. every morning and hitting me because she wanted her ring. You know, her engagement ring. All her friends were getting engaged at the time. I think I can’t remember like who all there was there was a about 2 or 3 of them. And she wanted, you know she wanted her ring and she wanted her, you know, wedding and all that stuff we had been together for 5 years. So I mean yeah it was time for us to take it to the next level.

We had lived together for 2 years and, you know, I didn’t realize how incompatible we would be like energetically, but it was like, I didn’t care. I loved that woman more than anything and she’s the only woman I’ll ever be able to say that about Because, you know, I love the kids more than anything. But uh, that was before the kids happened and I did. Oh my whole entire universe was her.

And, you know, it’s like I think I’ve said in a post before I could handle Uh, I could have handled either my dad or just her, you know, just being in business with my dad or just her but I couldn’t handle both. It was way too much. Um, but It’s remarkable to look back on that. It demanded so much of myself to to like exist in those realities like You know, now I couldn’t imagine ever being with my ex-wife I couldn’t ever like I couldn’t imagine ever getting back with her. Under any circumstances. But she was my first love, you know?

I mean, and that’s all I wanted. I wanted to love 1 woman forever and she’s who I thought, you know, that was and I was okay with that. And it wasn’t perfect, but nothing’s perfect. Life is not perfect. It’s, it’s in like, you know, your expectations. Like, just throw those out the fucking window. I mean, it’s good to have goals and dreams and stuff, but holy shit.

Sometimes life actually works out in ways that are better than you thought it would and and there for a brief moment, you know.

For about 10 years or so maybe I guess. It was as good as it gets for me, you know, with her and I as much as like, I mean, I would work 60 or 70 hours a week that was like an average week for me. With my Dad. Yeah, working for my dad. You know, sometimes I mean it you know I would get like a 40 hour week but most of the time it was, you know, I was on call 24/7. It was, uh, it was just, it would get, especially in the Summers, you know, sometimes I would work 100 hours a week. And I did I made, you know, pretty good money most of the time I mean it wasn’t great money though and that’s what’s so funny about it. Dad made all the money. Yeah, I made like

I made more than I was making than I’m making now, but it like really, though? I wasn’t paid well enough. And dad would be such an asshole to me about everything. It wasn’t worth it. I never understood like

Why he felt like he could

Treat me the way he did. It was so Stupid.

And you know, I totally changed the course of my life just to be able to help him. I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking a lot about all this stuff lately, I guess too, because I’ve been having crazy ass dreams about it. Like, I had a dream, uh, last night and I have slept a lot. Uh, this weekend. Thank God. Yeah.

I have slept so much. I got, um, I got up. Let’s see. I woke up last night. It was Right before I made that post.

Uh, I think it was around 9:00. And got up and went to Culver’s. After I, you know, published that and I got a chicken sandwich. Yeah, I should have gotten the fish but anyways, I figured I’d give myself a break from the fish. But I shouldn’t have the fish is so much better.

Gosh. Anyways though. Um, and then I just thought, you know, well I thought I would stay up all night playing guitar but I didn’t.

I fell asleep. I think it was around. 11:00 or so, and woke up at 4:00. Yeah. So about the time I normally wake up on day shift anyways, but um, What was my point? Oh yeah. I had a dream.

The dream I had that my ex-wife and I were living in our old house and I was going through the refrigerator and it was just like dang you know? But she hated that house we bought it from my uncle and talk about I mean I was thinking like where all the resentment came from, she didn’t want to live out in the middle of nowhere, where I grew up and I figured, you know, if we were going to have kids, I wanted them to have what I had growing up, which was the best You know, uh, the balance to having like, 2 self absorbed, And I hate to call anybody a narcissist. I don’t feel like I’m qualified to call. Anyone a narcissist and that word is just thrown around so much. It’s like a genuine personality disorder that only affects a really small percentage of the population. But I know people who just throw that word around, any kind of like You know, if somebody they’re disagreeable just a little bit, they’re a fucking narcissist. I have a 1 of my roommates that was like her. Main thing to call people.

5:29 AM
Is I guess probably is everybody’s a malignant narcissist and It’s like I don’t think that’s accurate.

But, I mean, whatever, you know, it is though. It’s that word is thrown around way too much.

But anyways, my parents I hate to call them narcissists, you know, I just, I just can’t

The balance though to that to having my fucking parents. Was the area I grew up in and the fact that they in fact did leave me alone. They left me the hell alone and I got to get into whatever I wanted as a kid. As far as like, I couldn’t leave like my little family Compound thing, but there was so much like this huge Forest. I got to run around and I got to like do all kind of crazy, fun stuff and explore. All this shit, you know. Like I couldn’t play Nintendo on Sundays, you know, and I couldn’t watch the Ghostbusters because it had demons in it, but I could do whatever the hell I wanted to like, as far as going out and getting lost in the woods and finding my way back, and who gave a shit, you know. I had, uh, my grandmother was the only Stable adult in my childhood. And my mom like as an example of this, we lived 5 minutes away from the school. And my mom had a car, you know, she was just like, she just, I don’t know what the hell, but if I ever needed to be picked up from school for anything, I called my grandmother,

I mean my mom, I couldn’t ever, you couldn’t get my mom to do anything and it would take her 2 hours to get ready to go out. I mean, she couldn’t go, it was so crazy how my mom was

Uh, like she wouldn’t. She could have picked us up from school. We didn’t have to ride the school bus. She just didn’t want to do it. You know? And I mean really we we lived like 5 minutes from the school. And if we, you know, the bus route picked us up last so it was like a 45 minute bus ride, you know.

We were the last ones. Some of the last ones to get off the bus. But uh, Yeah, it was just I don’t miss the school bus at all but my mom could have just driven us to school, you know? She didn’t want to get out. She didn’t like

Being around anybody or looking at them, or having them. Look at her, it was, It was kind of weird. And I didn’t think much of it is like, some kind of clinical disorder when I was a kid. But it was

If I was sick or anything, you know, like A lot of times I would just stay with my grandmother. Yeah, it was It was crazy. But then, you know, I preferred my grandmother too, because she was awesome. She was the best person. I named my daughter after her.

Because she is the best person.

Um yeah, I’m just blabbering I guess. But um,

Yeah, crazy dreams.

I miss my kids every day too it really sucks.

And I still like, you know, that’s 1 thing, I guess, looking back. Through all my stuff yesterday in my storage unit.

I found all the art and stuff my daughter had made.

Uh gosh, you know, 8 or 9 years ago

Like my daughter was always drawing stuff and uh making things and um she did all the stuff like we had a family flag and family colors and Uh all this stuff and we had a family egg and everything like, you know, and then My ex-wife just destroyed all that and I still haven’t. Gotten used to. Being by myself after 7 years. You know, it’s over 7 years now.

I’ve never gotten used to not being a part of my kids daily lives. It’s it’s so crazy and we were a family and all that you know I just never got over losing that it wasn’t just my ex-wife, you know, it was all of it.

And uh gosh, I don’t know. Sometimes it’s just like man.

That’s all I cared about. Yeah, it was

So, I’m just like, You know.

I exist and I try to distract myself with like dumb shit. This blog is a 1 big way I do it and uh, even though it doesn’t, you know, I’ll pull a lot of the stuff right back up, but like all my music and art. I’ll work a lot and like, you know, just Pretty much everything I do now is a distraction, it’s just it’s so

So weird because I’ve never cared about myself for like my own sake, you know, in a long long time and I don’t know how to. It’s yeah, it’s pretty crazy.

Maybe I should make up a song about that.

But uh, I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m going to get into today. I’ve got my guitar with me. I’m going to go do something. I might go back to my storage unit because I really do need to clean everything out.

I have actually a lot of clothes in there. I need to clean my room too and go through my closet because I bet. Uh, I’ve forgotten, I did it, but I’m pretty sure my external hard drive is in there. If it’s not, I mean it wasn’t in my storage unit, it’s got to be in my closet.

And I have a lot of stuff on that. Like my electronic music, my early electronic music like from 2006 and

So forth, I got real big into electronic music. Uh, for about

5 years? Yeah.

That was some of my favorite music that I’ve ever done. I made, I probably got.

Close to 100.

Electronic music songs, you know? Just little

Minute and a half. I think some of them, you know, or 3 or 4 minutes long.

But some of my best stuff.

And I’ve used the same recording software. For 20 years. Yeah, it’s really funny.

I don’t know, I don’t know what else to say. I’ve said a lot of stuff, huh? It’s Sunday morning.

I thought about going to Georgia and getting lottery tickets. But,

I don’t know.

I need to get groceries and yeah, I might just take a trip to Walmart here after I edit this. And uh, I don’t know. I’ll figure out what I’m going to get into today.

But,

Thank you, please.