SUNDAY MORNING

4:06 AM
Well, what am I doing? It’s Sunday morning. And I’m in the garage and I have, I’ve made 3 big posts. Password protected, the last couple of weeks, Hahaha I don’t know. I just I didn’t make posts for a long time and then all of the sudden it’s like hey let’s make a post and then I’ll go way way too far.

Talking about something, you know.

Last post. It was uh, it was Brittany.

And chicks from work and it’s just like, I don’t want anybody from my personal life to read it. It’s a weird balance. I try to mix like, uh, mix, I don’t well, like maintain I guess. The word I’m trying to. To use for that. Um,

I want people to read my blog. And I want people to stumble upon my blog accidentally and be like, what the hell like from my Facebook page and stuff, right? But then there’s like stuff. I don’t want just anybody knowing because of things that have happened in the past because of that like Brittany And my supervisor from OK foods and fucking uh my ex-wife. Haha And I’m just glad she stopped. She finally stopped stalking my blog at some point. I think last year, yeah.

But I do like, I, I want people to read this, you know, it’s kind of funny but then there’s just some stuff that I’m like, well, that’s Not. Something for the general public to that needs to read the people judge and make up crazy shit. In their heads.

And, go off the deep end about anything and everything all the time. And, I guess I try to minimize that on a personal level for me.

Sounds kind of stupid though, but I don’t know. I really

I really find it remarkable that. Brittany still pecks on my blogs and she looked at my blog numero dos. Um, I guess it was last week, the last time she pecked on my other blog and You know, I’ve been getting a lot of off hits on this 1 but not from Facebook or anything. So I mean, could it be her? Could it be My ex-fiance? Could it be my ex-wife?

An ex, you know, girlfriend Stephanie or Hannah? I don’t know, you know, haha

It’s just, uh, Could it be somebody completely new?

I know a lot of People. On the people, I may know. Like it’s pretty interesting, all the folks that pop up on that, but um, you know, it’s just like drama crap that if it, it’s just things have

Gotten blown out of proportion before in the past.

And it’s stupid. It’s just because people will read something and just Just make up all kind of crazy shit in their heads about it. It’s like no it’s not that complicated, you know, but I guess what makes it is that I um I do put it up like this is my online diary

And I don’t know any other way to be and I don’t have like and that’s another funny thing about me is, I don’t have an internal monologue. I talk to myself out loud constantly. It’s all externalized. I’m I’m super introverted. You know, I’m really like hyper sensitive people stress me out really bad after a certain point. You know, it’s it’s really funny. But uh, I have no Like masks or filters. Like I’m just creative expression. Like, that’s all. I am all the time and if it’s, it’s comes out and like form in some form or other I don’t know how I’m

Trying to say it it’s kind of retarded. You know, could also be interpreted as mental illness

But whatever. Haha Ha

Um, I guess I do too. I’m in the garage right now, so I’m like, I’m still like I wonder if anybody can Hear me say anything or or or listen. You know and uh I have the crud. I’ve had this crud. I’ve been fighting for pretty much all week last week, and It’s affected my singing a little bit, so that’s why I’m not doing it right now, but I’m like, hey let’s make a blog post! Yay

But I was in my room, I was going to do this in my room, but Um, I do talk loud and I can’t ever tell how loud I actually am. Especially outside of my room and I do have 5 roommates. So, you know, I don’t

Um, kind of don’t want to bother them at 4 something in the morning but you know, I don’t I feel weird.

If they listen to me talk, even though this is going to get posted,

Online. And anybody can read it, even though nobody. Well, people do, but very rarely. Do anybody does anybody from my personal life?

Our daily life or how do I put that? Because, you know, how would you define personal life? I mean it’s my whole entire life, really? Uh aside from like you know, the clearly defined boundaries I set for co-workers And I guess I do set boundaries for roommates, too, but You know, it’s to minimize drama. I don’t handle stuff like that very well, people are. Can be like unpredictable and uh,

Selfish.

Yeah and that freaks me the fuck out. So um anyways. It’s uh, it’s like the, um, But then I have to like, you know, it’s this Quote, I can’t remember who said it. I’m going to look it up so I can say

I can. Yeah, who said it. Um, hold on because I forget

God damn it.

Yeah, there it is.

An artist, which is what I am in the purest, sense of the word. It’s like, Oh, it’s almost a curse though haha but it’s not. Um, artists are people driven by the tension between the desire to communicate and the desire to hide.

Yeah, but who said it?

Oh my God.

Donald Woods win a cart. I don’t even know who the hell that is.

Now, I’m going to have to look him up on Wikipedia. But I’ve read this quote before and I was like, yeah, this is exactly what it is.

Um,

When it caught.

Donald.

Woods win the court. Hehe

Yeah. Okay. He was English, pediatrician and psychoanalyst.

He was known for. I just laughed. He was known for, um, the stages of development holding environment subjective omnipotence haha that made me laugh because he was known for omnipotence. But I think I guess it was like

I guess the context and like, psychological and psychological psychology, Yeah, my brain. I don’t know.

Yeah, I said what an interesting guy.

I’m just reading. You can’t tell though by these

Texts the text output but uh, I want to say 5 whole minutes elapsed.

But it’s true though. Yeah, the need to communicate and

Or rather the desire to communicate. And the desire to hide, but like, I don’t know. It’s kind of I guess a need is like it, too, because I do have to hide. To like,

Process stuff. But that’s gotten a lot better, you know? Not really

But I have to communicate, it’s like It’s just who I am, you know, it’s what I am. It’s like I have to like

I don’t know, I guess I embody that pretty hard. Oh, because I do like to Graffiti things but I don’t want anybody to know. Who is doing it? And I like to make crazy music but and release that but I don’t want people to know who is behind it. You know. But it’s like, You can tell that it’s the same person like I have my own signature style of doing things. I don’t sign my art or anything I did when I was a teenager but then I developed a style that was so fucking weird.

That, you know, it’s me. Yeah.

I guess that’s another reason why. Um, my Facebook name isn’t in English. Which, of course, that was to hide from my ex fiance.

Um,

Who got in all into my brains last week while I was on. A trip to get lottery tickets. I never think about her. I don’t know. I feel like Sometimes, maybe she

Stalked the hell out of me from fake accounts for about 3 years after we after she dumped me. Yeah, that’s what she did. But she just like drifted into my brains. The other night I was like

All the other day after work. I guess. I don’t know. My brains are so fucking like retarded right now, I fell asleep. I made that post. Uh, that last post that I made password protected and um I fell asleep right after I posted it and I woke back up and was like, crap. I’m going to make that password protected.

I feel like I’m losing steam now, though. Yeah.

But I have, I’ve had this crud and

I probably need to try to like, sing or something. And see how that works. I was going to do karaoke in the cafeteria.

I think I’ve talked about that in the post. I made Friday. Yeah. Um but I have had this crud and I didn’t want to make an idiot out of myself for some reason, you know, not that I would have I would have made an idiot out of myself anyways. Haha Just Um, not like that, I guess. Yeah.

That’s why I’m doing this. I already said that that no, yeah that’s why I’m doing this right now. Instead of C. And playing my instrument. But my wind capacity has gotten better because I stopped smoking and like now I can hold notes for longer and cram more like

Singing in Uh without having to breathe. So that’s great. And that didn’t take long to get that back. Yeah.

Uh, talked to Peter earlier. And he expressed possible interest in playing music today. Whether that materializes or not, you know, um, I don’t know. I don’t, I really like I’ve known Peter for about 15 years. He’s a super great guy. He’s a brilliant musician. Um,

He’s a lot more like he’s a lot like my friend Justin actually like in his music, tastes and stuff. Uh, he likes a lot of

He likes The Flaming Lips, I guess, you know, and I know Justin is a big Flaming Lips fan or was And he likes a lot of like like indie rock type stuff, I guess. Where I’m out more. Uh,

Like just the like Fringe fucking music. Like shit like Jay Abner and the Spent Poets uh,

Gosh, I was thinking about that. Um,

The stuff that nobody, you know, it’s just, I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I have a lot more eclectic tastes, I guess than anybody else. I’ve ever like met, I’ve never met anybody with Such selective yet varied. Weird tastes in like everything, but especially music. I don’t know.

But uh, I really would like to put another band together. Just, I mean just a bass player and a drummer, you know, and I just don’t know how it hasn’t been long enough for me to really tell how reliable Peter’s going to be. You know, I’m not like talking shit about him or anything. It’s just a concern of mine. I guess it’s that’s kind of the thing, you know, it’s my songs and my stuff and Uh, the door is always open for him. And anybody else who wants to like do crap. I just it it would be nice I like to have when it comes to stuff like that I like to have order and structure, you know?

4:27 AM
I guess I’m used to Eric too, like being absolutely.

Unreliable. That was like, that’s like the most reliable thing about him is that he was unreliable.

And you can’t get anything done like that. That’s kind of the the thing, you know, with me. So it’s why I’ve been a solo artist for so long.

You know it’s just I don’t I would love to be able to put a band together. I love the Dynamics of other people and you can get better ideas. You get more fun like spontaneity and variance and

Uh, You know, especially if you’re playing with people who know what the hell they’re doing. You can just bounce off each other and Um it it’s a whole lot more fun, you know. If you, if you can do it like that, but You know, it’s

Also, that much more disappointing when it doesn’t work out and you’ve already invested, you know, I don’t know. Um, I feel like I’m talking too much about this, though. I’m just like wondering out loud. It’s like

Like, I would love to be able to be like, yeah, I’ve got a band with Peter and here’s our Facebook page, and we’re looking for a drummer and then find a drummer and be like, hey here, we got a drummer and then we got to think of a name, you know? Or something.

Yeah, the whole band thing cuz right now it’s just me. And, Uh, the good thing about that though is I know what I have and I know what I can do and I don’t have to worry about Anybody like,

Anybody else’s crap. It’s like hey this is it and I’m comfortable with that.

So, who knows I might do music with Peter later on today, you know?

I don’t know if I could pull off Universe. Girl. That’s what I want to do. Uh, I mean with my voice like it is right now. Like, I don’t know that I could. Pull that off or I would record a version of it and send to him.

Oh, but I do, I do have a version of it, actually, on SoundCloud.

https://m.soundcloud.com/user-189763253/universe-girl-rough-version

Well, anyways, I don’t know, I guess I’m going to wrap this up and work on some music. I was just

Blabbering, I guess. Yeah, maybe I’ll make another post later. I miss making blog posts. I just I got burned out on it. Is basically what happened. Yeah, and then, you know, I realized I was just talking about the same crap over and over and over and over. And uh, yeah haha. Thank you, please.