4:39 AM
Well heck it’s uh, it’s Friday.
Yep, and it’s really windy. And uh, think there’s a big crazy storm coming.
It’s supposed to or something today. Oh gosh. I had the dream. I had this big crazy dream about Brittany. And that doesn’t happen maybe every few months. Uh, the last time I had a bunch of crazy dreams about her, She started pecking on my blog, a whole bunch. She actually unblocked me. Yeah, I think this was the uh,
Oh gosh. When was this back in like, July? I think I almost want to say. Before I saw her driving through Guntersville
It was back when I was taking a a lot of PTO on the summer during the summer. Yeah. Um, that I, I practically just kind of wasted, I don’t know, thinking I could do stuff with the kids but they had all this other crazy stuff going on and I didn’t get to see the kids. Like I wanted to I just had all these days off that I had scheduled and I couldn’t cancel them or something. I don’t know. It was stupid.
The train.
I heard. The train anyways, uh, I’m driving. Yeah. Gosh. Got around a little later than I did yesterday morning. Yesterday morning, I got around at the perfect time. I got up when my alarm, went off got a shower. And left the house. It was a little after 4:00.
Got to work at like 4:40. Went to the gym, you know, and got out of out of the gym. Maybe 10 after 5 or something like that. Not even really. And, um, it was kind of funny. Yeah, there’s the train. I’m not going to hit it though. I’ll get on the interstate before the train. Before the railroad crossing, but It runs uh pretty regularly at this time through the city. There it goes, there’s the beginning of it.
I don’t know how many times I’ve been stuck at this train though, probably
A dozen times since I’ve lived here.
Um, when I wasn’t getting on the interstate you can’t you have to wait on it before the interstate, if you go down where the Superstar Market is, Yep. But anyways, I had this big crazy dream about Brittany and uh, I dreamt that I was
Somehow I had, we had ended up on this old Farm like in a barn or something, and I was using this tractor. I had taken her purse and her phone and stuff, I guess her phone was in the purse out to mess with her because I was mad at her and, uh,
Like it was, it was this crazy thing and it was on TV Yeah, it was like a TV show.
Gosh, it is windy. It’s really windy. It was really weird. Yeah. The uh it’s so windy. It’s affecting the noise in the car. Me trying to talk.
It’s picking up things. Kind of stupid.
Anyways. I’m hungry.
Yeah.
But yeah It was just a crazy weird dream. I had like followed her down like uh, I watched her and I was wearing a disguise in this restaurant. And uh, like that’s how she ended up. I don’t know what brought us to the farm though, but there was this guy there at the farm, they called him like
I can’t remember it was some like wholesome name though and he was this uh like do good farmer but he was also a volunteer firefighter.
And it was his tractor that I was driving but for some reason, I was supposed to be like using the tractor for something. It was a crazy dream but I woke up. It was really intense though and at the end I had followed her back to this mall and we were hanging out sitting on a bench. With all these cameras and boom mics around. The producers of the show were smiling at us. Haha And everything was okay. It was weird. Yeah, that was like Weird ass fucking dream.
But she was acting really loud and uh, obnoxious and snobby and stuff. It was fucked up.
But I haven’t had a dream like that in a while like several months, you know. So anyway, Like yep.
But her pecking on my blog yesterday. I don’t know, after for the first time in weeks. It’s just, I don’t know, I don’t know what anything means. I don’t know. I’m not worried about it so much. But I do need to get food. And I’m just glad I get to sleep.
Uh, you know, I can sleep in.
Tomorrow. I just got to make it through today at work.
On another note. Some guy was uh, wanting to put a band together. He posted in the Huntsville. What’s happening in Huntsville Facebook group?
And I was like, hey I’m a front person. And he messaged me and I don’t know, like, I don’t get my hopes up about anything anymore.
But, It’s probably I don’t know. He’s seems like a cool guy. Yeah. Like, I mean, he didn’t seem like a complete fucking idiot or anything. He actually listed like the bands. He listed his influences, uh, is stuff I actually have listened to So, uh, yeah.
It might be okay, I don’t know, it might not, I might not ever hear back from him. It’s not a big deal because I’m primarily a solo artist now any anyways,
I got my hopes up though. I’m not going to lie like with Peter. I haven’t seen Peter in a month. Yeah, over a month actually now. So
Uh, I didn’t. Yeah, I had gotten my hopes up about that though but Now, I don’t really have any. It’s like, yeah. Okay. I don’t know. Maybe, maybe? Peter just wanted to meet me or something, cuz we’ve been friends on Facebook for
15, some odd years and I never met him in person before.
So,
I don’t know.
He’s a great guy though. Lives in a van. You can, uh, tell, you know, he’s been through a lot. It’s a lot of stuff. Oh yeah.
It is so windy.
I guess I just wanted to make a post to talk about that dream. There was a lot, it seemed like there was a lot more to it, but it was like a big TV show and I was following her around and like Like pointing out that she acted, you know, she was crazy at me and she was really snobby to everybody and Uh made a scene everywhere. She went in and she was like, she had to get her purse and all this stuff and something messed up with her car.
And uh, I don’t really know. I don’t remember all the other particulars. I also worked at a Pizza Hut
But I’ve just got to get through today. Just got to get through today at the car factory.
I’m probably not going to the gym.
Yeah, it’s like I have more energy though. If I don’t go to the gym, In the mornings, but I end up hurting, you know? But right now, I’m just really tired. So, who knows?
But I woke up at like 11:00 and didn’t go back to sleep until almost 2:00. And when that happens though, that’s when I usually have the crazy dreams, Yeah, and my kids had messaged me a whole bunch. Uh telling me how much they miss me and that made me feel bad because I don’t have the money to get them this weekend. Why don’t I have the money to get them this weekend? Hahaha because I spent all my money on them. Over the Christmas break. I spent so much money. Uh, but my ex-wife luckily she let me borrow 40 bucks.
And,
You know, it’s really sad though because right now her dad, my ex-father-in-law.
Is in the hospital and he’s not doing that great. But I hope he’s okay because He was always really awesome to me. He was.
Even though uh I could tell, you know, it was pretty obvious that he thought I was an idiot.
Which, you know, I can’t say I wasn’t haha. You know, I mean, I have never.
I don’t know, I just have a whole different kind of take on love and romance because my ex-wife and I were supposed to be together forever. That was inscribed on my wedding band, actually, on the inside of my wedding band. Was love forever. And that just did not.
I’m so fucked up from that still, and I don’t think I’ll ever get better. I think I’ll just have to live the rest of my life. Being this damaged fucked up, crazy person.
But just because of all that. Yeah.
My gosh, I never
I don’t know, I don’t even know what to say but she’s really awesome to me these days, you know, and uh, there was a time when she was when we were together, but
It was so bad, the last 2 years. That I just I’m permanently like fucked up. And I have like the the best thing that I’ve been able to do about it has been just coming to terms with the fact that I’m really screwed up when it comes to women.
But it’s like I said in my last 4,000 words some odd post. Haha
Uh, To take a really kind sweet. It’s going to take. Yeah, a really nice.
Really sweet lady. You know. Cuz whoever the next 1’s, going to be Hello. Yeah. Whoever the next 1 is going to be
You know, I can’t have another Bean crazy 1.
Another mean crazy, 1. Everything is picking up everything stupid because it’s so goddamn windy. It’s fucking stupid.
If it wasn’t for my kids. I would commit suicide. Yeah, like that’s The only thing that’s kept me going the last Almost 8 years. Is my kids.
That’s how screwed up, I am. Yeah.
It’s it is it is kind of sad.
It’s really sad but that’s just me. You know, that’s me now 20 years ago, Like you couldn’t have told me that that that I would have ended up this broken. Fucking. Husk of a person. Yeah.
God.
Anyways, this is stupid. I fucking hate myself. Yeah, I do. And a lot of times, I hate my life and this whole world. And the only thing that I care about which are the kids I never get to see them and I never have any money still just but they’re the only reasons I don’t blow my brains out so that’s like that’s me. That’s where I’m at. Yeah that’s where I’ve been at for a long time and I just tracked myself.
I distract myself that’s 1 of the reasons why I had such a bad drinking problem.
For the last few years and took something really retarded to, uh, you know, get me to stop doing that, which it was my own doing but You know. I was, that was kind of a thought in the back of my head just like, well, if I lose everything again, I did. I talked about all this back in October when it happened. Uh, I’m just going to fucking hang myself, you know? It’s just that it’s it’s over. Yeah. I don’t know. But everything ended up being okay? And I haven’t drank since.
But,
Now, I feel like I’m just talking in circles again, Yep. Yay. And I do I distract myself with like Log.
With this blog. Oh my God, this is just driving me crazy because it’s so windy.
It’s also, you know, it’s January. But not, and it’s like, January the 9th. Yeah, I’m just going to leave these top of them.
These typos. Yeah.
It is, it’s so windy but it’s like fucking 65 degrees, you know.
4:56 AM
Might be warmer than that.
But yeah, there’s the second calms down so
I don’t know.
I feel really bad saying I hate myself, like I do but I can’t help it.
And uh, I feel like the kids deserve better, but I’m their only, you know, I’m the only dad, they get, you know,
Gosh, they’re just the best people. That’s the only thing I’ve done right in this life.
Yeah.
What else can I say? I don’t know. I’m hungry and I’m almost to the exit. So thank you, please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 