THURSDAY

8:02 AM
Okay, let’s try this again.

Um, I think I might get a shower in a minute. But I need to clean up. I need to clean the bathroom. That’s my last chore. That I haven’t done.

But I feel like fucking crap.

I took the kids out last night.

I miss my kids. I haven’t seen them since New Year’s Day. So I was like, you know, and they did they messaged me the other day, telling me how much they missed me and it just It hurts.

It’s something I’ve never gotten used to. And it’s been 8 years almost since the divorce but I have never gotten used to not being a part of my kids daily lives. It’s like this emptiness. Its fucked up. I can’t imagine like, you know, People who are like separated from their kids. And there are there are some real piece of shit fucking parents who don’t care. You know, that don’t care about their kids but you know, most parents do

Um, Yeah, like Most parents are like gosh, you know, I at least I would like to say most parents. But decent parents, any halfway decent parent. You know, is going to miss the shit out of their kids.

And,

It’s just yeah, it’s just hard.

That’s why I do so much stuff with them and take them places and spend so much money on them because it’s like they’re the most important things in the universe to me. Well, the most important people but you know, I don’t know. Trying to mix like

People and things, you know what I mean? It’s like they’re not inanimate objects. Yeah, haha. But uh this weekend, I’m going to get them for some kind of crazy adventure.

We’re going to go, uh,

There’s like, Some places.

I, I don’t know my brains but I need to get

I’ll figure that out with them. The next couple of days.

I’m just glad that I had the foresight or something. To put in like the extra day of PTO. I don’t know how like I would have made it yesterday. Like a regular work day. I still can’t bring myself to go to a doctor, though. I just it’s like, I’ve got insurance. And I’ve got money and right now, and I’m just like, I could go get some antibiotics, but

I think I’m just going to go out. To Walmart here pretty soon and get

Some. Decent sinus medication.

That I should have got last night when I went to Walmart. And got propane for my heater. And,

Food for like the next couple of days.

But what’s great is I only have to work tomorrow and then I’m off. For 3 days and that

Is wonderful.

I don’t know, I feel like guilty about my chores but I mean, Jesus Christ. I’m usually pretty good about them. During the shutdown I did them like early.

I think the week. Of New Year’s. I did them. Uh,

Gosh. Like New Year’s Eve or something.

Of course, I had, you know, knew that I was going to like

Wasn’t going to want to do anything after new years. I did so much crap with the kids. And spent so much money.

And then my roommate hit me up at the last minute to paint that room and it’s like well those were the days I was going to rest but whatever then I got sick as fuck and I still haven’t recovered from that. Yeah, it’s been rough. It’s been a rough couple of weeks.

But whatever, I’ll get better. I need to go to the gym. I still haven’t found a gym.

Of course, I just got paid last night and I didn’t think there was any sense in uh, looking for a gym until I actually had money to, you know,

Do it for real. So maybe.

I don’t know what I’m going to do today, but I’m fixing to try and finish making this post.

I’m going to clean the bathroom and then get a shower. I think that’s I think that’s Realistic. And

I don’t know what I’m going to do after that.

Uh, yesterday we’ve got kind of weird though, like I got a lot of weird off hits on my blog and I can say you know with a fair amount of certainty it was Brittany. But I don’t know and you know just the whole thing I just it’s like, you know, just message me. Stop stalking my shitt. You crazy Crazy lady. I mean, gosh.

1 day when I just feel like it or something. I’ll tell the whole story. It’s just it’s just so dumb though because it wouldn’t have ever gotten that far if I hadn’t liked her so much too. And that’s what makes it really sad. I got all this crazy music out of it though.

Like my best songs about like a lot of stuff came from this Exchange.

And usually that’s what I end up with that’s all I end up with, you know, with the exception of my ex-wife, I ended up with some songs plus the kids but there there’s only 1 song I made up about her that I still play and that’s Devil Woman. And the song, you know, it’s supposed to be kind of funny but it’s also how much I loved her. You know.

I don’t really want to talk about that crap anymore though.

But I have, I’ve just totally given up on like love.

And it’s fine because it’s healthier that way for me, like, for a long time. I was just I dealt with the void.

You know, it’s crazy because my ex-wife did she just turned around and got remarried. So she didn’t really have to deal with that. It’s like, what do I do? There’s this emptiness that I can’t process and then not getting to see the kids every day, which was is way worse. You know, if something would have happened and I would have ended up if, well things could have actually went the total opposite direction.

But that’s a even longer story. Like I could she could have lost everything and I could have gotten the kids. I couldn’t even wrap my brains around letting that happen. That’s how much I loved her.

And I would have been like, I never would have dated again probably If that would have happened, I never. You know, I just I couldn’t, I didn’t know what to do, it was so overwhelming, and The pain is like the it was like inescapable, it was so.

Awful, I don’t know. But

You know, enough about that shit. Like I’ve talked about that, I’ve been talking about that a lot lately. Like I went a long time without talking about any of that crap and then just the last week or so I’ve been having these crazy dreams. You know, I had a bunch of crazy Brittany dreams. Uh, over the weekend and somebody read that post and uh,

I’ve been having dreams about my ex-wife too it’s like why? I had a crazy dream. I think it was yeah. Last night about my dad, not last night but the night before last. Yeah. Um, Like,

What for some reason, I was wanting to try to get back into the generator business and it’s like,

I was so miserable, you know, like I wouldn’t realistically like, what the hell.

All my friends. I remember after the divorce and stuff and I got away from my dad too all that kind of happened at the same time. Around the same time. And they were all just like we really are like all my friends were just really glad that I finally got away from my dad actually was congratulated on the divorce also about like a Almost all my friends were like yay! For me. I don’t know, I didn’t think it was a good thing. I was like, y’all don’t I don’t know, maybe I was in a way worse place than I realized I think yeah, you know, it was it was really awful.

But why am I still talking about the shit?

God. I have like,

My life right now seriously is is the best. It’s been since the divorce, I have a lot to be happy about.

I, I really do.

So, I mean, Jesus Christ.

Now it is starting to get hot in my room and I should probably turn my heater off in a minute. I can get a shower, but, uh,

It is, it’s really cold. And, I’m probably going to because I got a whole bunch more propane bottles, somebody took my electric space heater out of the garage and I just keep forgetting to ask the group chat and be like, who got my space heater? It’s not that big of a deal because it’s an older, cheap ass space heater that I bought. When I was living in The Farmhouse. And I had 2 of them in my room because sometimes it got really really cold. Like, I mean, you know, like the teens I think the first

Month or so I lived there. There were some really cold days and that house was like not insulated at all. It was an old farmhouse that was built in the 30s.

I mean it just it was like as cold as it was outside, it was almost as cold inside. And I remember there were several times. I had both of those space heaters on full blast in my room and sometimes it would trip a breaker.

But,

Where does it is? I still I have a lot of nostalgia for living there but that was 1 of the darkest periods of my life but uh, the space heater came from that time. And, you know it I guess. It’s really not that big of a deal. It just has a little bit of sentimental value, but the other space heater got lost in my Mom’s storage unit because I got it, uh, I started letting her use it.

Because she liked Her room warmer than the rest of the apartment. So I mean, I don’t know, I probably could just buy me a new. Better space heater and just like whoever took it whatever. I don’t care.

But then it’s like, well.

They could have at least been like hey, who’s space heater is this? Says a lot about my roommates, right?

Like, can we use it or something? Or whoever took it? I have no idea.

It’s not a big deal. Maybe I will maybe I’ll just go buy a new space heater and just let it go back to the ether space heater. Haha.

I bought some faux.

Yeah, some faux Ramen.

Wait.

Foolishness.

Yeah, I guess. Now, it’s foolish. I’m going to have to take a picture of it.

It’s Vietnamese soup.

I did I took a picture, okay?

Kind of,

That’s funny the uh the picture on the thing. I don’t know what all is in this. I guess I can. Um Cuz I have some bold eggs. Boiled eggs. Yeah, and instead of just buying a, a thing of eggs, I bought some already boiled eggs, like I did the other day because I didn’t. I don’t care about.

Boiling them on a stove. I just want them now and I don’t like peeling. Eggs, actually, peeling, boiled eggs. Is 1 of my least, favorite things to do.

Oh gosh, I’m trying to collect myself and get up it’s hard. I’m getting hungry and that’s why I’m looking at this pho. I have I have to put hot water in it.

8:18 AM
And maybe 3 of these eggs.

And then, I have some Other stuff I have the sizzling Rich pork, which is my favorite. Uh all-around favorite flavor and then I have some like curry chicken flavor but Tapatio, which was uh last year I ate a lot of Tapatio Ramen like in the bowls. They have they had like all kind of great flavors but it was I didn’t see it at Walmart and the tuna meals that I used to get that are not there anymore. Either, which kind of surprised the hell out of me. Haha I say this because I haven’t really bought groceries in a in a while. I usually like, I mean not groceries like that, I usually like eat at work. Or on the go somewhere. Uh if I’m broke and I want cheap, crappy food. Uh,

I can’t remember, like I just I guess I’ve also had the money in to, uh, To eat like out and eat stuff. And I go to Sam’s Club and I’ll eat there. That’s what I did yesterday morning, and it’s like the cheapest fucking food ever, but it’s good.

I ate soup the other day like, out of a can that I heated up in the stove,

Oh, that’s the first.

Time. I used the stove in a month. And I think before that it had been, you know, it’s just, I haven’t been using like, I haven’t been cooking or

Even storing food in the fridge or anything. I don’t know what I’m just rambling around. Oh my brains God. It’s like I get a little bit of energy and I’ll make a blog post and now I’m like Zapped feeling.

But anyways.

Just thinking though, it’s like I don’t.

I don’t I haven’t used the kitchen much in the last 4 months, at least.

Yeah, I even last weekend, let’s see I had Uh, I had those cans of tamales and the oranges. And I had, uh, I got more oranges last night.

Oh, now my heater went off on its own. It ran out of propane. Oh, That’s fine, because This is getting really hot in here.

But yeah, though, even uh, I got I had a lot of fun with the kids last night but I got pulled over. For going a 52 and a 45. And uh but he let me go the warning. Yeah it was uh,

In Gaylesville. You know, we went and got lottery tickets. It’s like, I’m still

I’m Still Holding Out for my dream of winning the lottery.

That’s so much money like gosh. I don’t want to think too much about it though. But like goodness. Oh my goodness.

There used to be this like I used to, just think I would give everybody, you know.

Like all my relatives and all my friends and all this shit money if I won the lottery and You know, like gosh. You know.

I guess dozens I’m trying to think of a quantifier yeah dozens and dozens of people right? Like like 48 people, haha. You know.

Haha, 60 people.

Yeah, um, but that, that has dwindled. Maybe a dozen now, you know, like Oh my gosh, it’s so funny. How

How that goes, but

Of course, I would that’s what I was telling 1 of my co-workers. I would get this big sack and fill it. Full of money like 100 dollar bills if I fall in the water. And I’m going to uh if I win the lottery, what the fuck. Haha And uh anyways

I’m going to go to work and like, I’m just going to when the line. I’m, I don’t know if I’m going to do it when the line starts up or everybody’s standing around, you know, in the circle like, uh, In the morning announcements and stuff and the stretch exercises that’s probably when I’ll do it.

Uh, and I’ll or I thought about just running up when the line starts just running up and down the line and just throwing money out at everybody and then running away and disappearing forever.

Because those will be the last co-workers I’ll ever have. Hahaha

And most people, most of my co-workers are decent people. Like, you know, they really are. I work with some good people. I mean, there’s a handful of them that suck but 90% of my co-workers are great.

I’m trying to think how much like Like what’s realistic? Like hundred dollar bills to get out like from a bank? Like what could I realistically get and stuff into a bag? You know, I have no idea.

Like go to a bank and be like, I need a million dollars in cash in one hundred dollar bills like What would they do?

Can I have like, can I physically, you know how many That’s a lot. What? That’s

Yeah, that’s 10,000 $100 bills. That’s a lot.

10,000 $100 bills is a lot.

Let’s see if I can visualize it in some way. Fucking get some kind of.

1 2.

And,

Like volume wise like what would that the physical space? I would need of a bag to contain that much.

Okay, it says here a packet of 100 $100 bills. Is. Uh, thin stack making it easy to carry.

Oh wait. That’s

I would need. Oh gosh only 100 of those

22 pounds.

And 43 inches tall.

Fitting surprisingly. Well, into a standard backpack or large briefcase.

Okay.

I wonder.

Wonder how much let’s look that up.

Oh wow. There’s all kind of like

Stuff like protocols to get a million dollars out of a bank.

I guess because of money laundering. And uh,

The bank’s questions. It’s just I don’t know, it’s funny.

It’s like, well, I want a million dollars in cash. To throw out at my last co-workers ever and then run out of the plant. And, uh, I don’t know that would be a funny thing to explain. It’s like I just want a big sack of money so I can throw it out at people.

I wonder how many times that’s happened. I wonder if anybody’s ever Done that.

I remember my dad used to say if he won the lottery, he would uh, He would get a wheelbarrow and fill it, full of hundred dollar bills and take it to my grandmother, this was back in the, you know, 90s.

And I’m just trying to think, I don’t really have any venerated relatives. That I would, uh, do that for maybe. Maybe my Uncle Joe and Aunt. Christy Yeah, I would I would bring them

Will Barrow full of money, a wheelbarrow. I think so I guess that’s a compound word.

Oh goodness.

Well, that bathroom isn’t going to clean itself. Um, I feel like I’m just stalling at this point. Ho ho God, I feel like crap but I do have this coffee drink here. I’m going to I’m going to take more of it, consume more of it and then

Get to work and then I’ll just have to turn around and do them all again. The chores again, Sunday or something. Or Monday because I’m off work Monday. I don’t know.

My roommate was talking about hiring a cleaning person, upping the rent to compensate for that and I’m just like well you know, that’s a great idea actually.

Because it’s not that like my chores are that awful or anything? I just After all the crap that I do and like, work at the job that I have and, you know, I do so much shit. I just push it really hard with the kids and then I have to squeeze in like time with my music and stuff.

Oh, a lot of times, it’s like, oh, yeah, I gotta do my chores and then I don’t We’ll really just the last couple weeks I’ve been sick.

And the last time I slacked on my chores is because I was painting that damn room. For my roommate, it was like a 1500 dollar job. She got for 250, you know dollars. So it was like, okay? I felt really unappreciated and taken advantage of. I still fucking do. Is why I’m not going to live here any longer than I have to, you know? Reckon that story is in another post.

Anyways, that’s what I’m going to do.

I just wanted to make a post today. Haha I think this is like a 5 Day Streak now or something.

I got it up to 130 over the summer. I’ve made almost 400 posts on this blog.

I think.

I think it’ll be a year old in April. Yeah. I said, yay. Thank you, please.