ME

4:05 PM
Oh my goodness. Well, what a day huh? Actually, uh, we were supposed to get a bunch of overtime, but We didn’t, so I don’t know that I can really talk about Stuff like that. Like why? I mean it’s not a big deal. I wanted over time though, hahaha. I did. But, um,

Yeah, I don’t know I don’t really like talking about like work like specifics and and things and I’m not going to name You know uh where I work either while I’m working there.

But uh, gosh.

Let’s talk about a chicks from work. Who drive me crazy. Uh, all of them. Yeah, let’s see. Well today. There’s this, 1 lady. I think. Uh, and and you know, a lot of these ladies these chicks Are fucking half my age, okay? They don’t care. And uh, 1 of them. Oh, that doesn’t mean that doesn’t make that like uh, any less. You know, they are all very special ladies. Okay? Um, But uh,

Anyways, 1 of them. Uh, I was going to say something to her because she kept like staring at me and like all this stuff. So I was going to talk to her 1 day and I get that it’s awkward and like weird things, you know, uh like stuff is, I don’t know. Uh, Things are never normal for me anyways and I am a lot. I’m really intense. I have a really big presence. I have this huge personality. I’m like, you know, I’m there, haha. Uh, 1 of my friends. My friend Justin actually, uh, once told me I was a force of the universe. And I guess I am really. Yeah. But uh,

Anyways, yeah, there’s this 1 chick.

Oh, I was going to talk to her 1 day and she was going into the plant. I don’t know what exactly her job is, but as I was coming out, and I was like about to open my mouth and be like, hey, you know, and she fucking got this weird. Look on her face and looked the other way. Like it was really crazy. And I was like, well, okay. Then uh nope I guess not and uh

Oh gosh, don’t get me started on like helmet girl either, right? But I just saw her that was the, as I was leaving and then there was the quality chick and it’s like I just I can’t I can’t talk to any of them. And then I mentioned the gym lady yesterday and I was just like I got off work. Putting a time I could have went into the gym and been like, hey, you know but something is just stopping me from doing it. It’s like I started feeling like. Not good about doing it. It’s crazy. And I oh, you know, back over the summer and stuff when I was being retarded about helmet girl. I was, uh, actually kicking around like I gotta make her something, you know. And I was going to make her a comic. I made up this bunch of shit in my head about a comic in which I still might make at some point but not for her, you know, for like just to have a funny story. You know, the adventures of Helmet girl. Hahaha And, um,

Stuff. But I was going to make 1 for her and I was like, you know, mak her a fucking Chicken. I guess

Like, you know, I made you a chicken

It’s fun, you know, and nobody does this shit. But me like I’m the only dude that does stuff like this. Which uh, is really sad. Because women are just

The most beautiful best.

Things there are, you know? Oh my gosh.

But I can only love 1. I think, you know forever like I just I don’t know I don’t know where I’m at in my head anymore but I just didn’t get a good feeling about doing making stuff for helmet girl, either and I saw her on the way out Today. Like I went this really crazy way to try to avoid everything and then I ended up not avoiding anybody. The quality chick like I could have talked to her but I just can’t I just can’t. Can’t bring myself to do it. It’s like, what is wrong with me? You know, other than I just,

I don’t know. And then, uh, but yeah, helmet girl, and I just kind of like she uh, went through the gate, like, right as I was coming up on the gate and then I kind of looked over at her and she kind of just it’s just like, you know, whatever.

You know, I just

I don’t know why I ever think I’m going to like have a girlfriend from work. You know. And I mean,

I guess I really don’t want a girlfriend right now. Not for real. Isn’t that stupid?

I remember the last time I really, really wanted a girlfriend. Not caused by the immesurable Void. Haha I wanted a girlfriend so bad. 27 years ago.

And uh started talking to this chick and uh ended up, you know, for about 8 months, I talked to her before I could work. The nerve up to ask her out, right? And uh, that I got a girlfriend for 18 years out of that, and I just I don’t know, I don’t feel like I’m in a great place. Right now. Um, The most socially awkward. Socially retarded fucking person like ever. And, Uh, I don’t know, I guess I’m just not ready. To talk to chicks. And and I want to be, I wanted to be and now I just feel Stupid.

About even talking about this stuff but it’s like, you know, whatever. I don’t care anymore. I care less right now than I’ve ever cared about any of that stuff. And now all it’s ever done is just fuck me up and make me like crazy and sad and You know, just very little real happiness, has ever came from my romantic entanglements. My ex-wife You know, that was uh, that had

I’m really traumatized. From all that for real and I’m tired. And I hardly ever have anything in common with ladies from work.

I just I was like, on the other hand, I think I’m over complicating it a little bit.

But uh, you know, I just

I just can’t wait to get it through the rest of this week. I’m halfway there. Right? And, uh, the weekend and work on my music. That’s what I’m going to do this weekend and my daughter got her braces off. She looks awesome. She looks like she You know what people have braces? Is it kind of makes their mouth. Look, look a certain way and stuff but now she looks like Oh,

It’s so crazy how grown up she is. She’s like a lady. I know.

And I start, you know, maybe overthinking everything like it’s I don’t want to like, You know, as far as like having a girlfriend, I’m just like, you know, will it somehow Take away from the kids? And is she going to want kids? Does she already have them?

To like, is this going to, you know, I mean, I just don’t know and I can’t. Bring myself to talk to anybody because that’s such a thing and and I have to talk about myself again and again and again and oh that’s a big reason. Why? Also that all my social media is just right here. It’s like you really want to get to know me? Here I am online. There’s my Instagram, I just made public again. I actually made it private because of that lady, I mentioned earlier who, like looked away, but she still stares at me and everything, and that was the thing after lunch. I was uh, the line had started up about to do my process and she walks by my line and stares at me like crazy and I’m just not paying attention, but then I locked my eyes. Locked onto her eyes and I reflected the crazy stare, right back at her. And it’s like, what the fuck was that? Yeah, but I made my Instagram public, I think yesterday, or the day before.

And uh, she’s 1 of the ones that pops up on the suggested accounts. A lot of them do and like all the ones I just mentioned except helmet girl. Yeah. And the gym girl, I don’t know like where she’s at. I can’t find her stuff either. I think I don’t know. Uh, but this is all just, it’s just kind of hitting me how stupid all this is more than ever. And I feel really dumb and I guess, you know. Yeah, I would a huge part of me. Would love to have a girlfriend. But then part of me is like it’s just so much goes with that, that I like I start to think about it when the reality is like right there. It’s like you know you could talk to her and you could date her and that would be probably like, well what would it be? Like, what would she do? You know, would she be jealous and possessive? They all have been. And would she like

Make me. Do stuff. If if I play a song, a certain song. Is it going to piss her off? Because it’s not about her for something like that happened with my ex fiance. I was just playing some songs. To her one day, Here’s some songs I made up and I played Devil Woman. For her. And it’s a rocking ass song, it’s 1 of my better songs. It’s 1 of my, you know, hits. Haha And uh, she was just fucking disgusted that I was playing a song. To her about somebody else and I guess. Yeah. I get it though, but it’s like it was just a song. Of course she played songs. For me that was about other people. She was a musician too. And it’s, I thought they were great songs, you know? But,

You know, in her case it was like no it’s not about me, fuck you. Which, I mean, I know. That it says a lot more about her, but a lot of stuff like that though is common. To uh, females. Yeah, they just did.

It just is and I get I worry about A lady especially if she’s younger and she doesn’t have kids or knows anything about that. Right? I know this is this is like also what I’m talking about too. It’s like you know it’s why I’m really apprehensive about getting mixed up with anybody under 30.

Because, you know, they might try to be competitive with my daughter, my stepmom, my ex stepmom, not the 1 I have now, but the 1 before her, that my dad. Don’t get me started. Haha But uh, She was competitive and jealous of my sister and it caused a lot of fucking problems and her daughter was jealous and competitive with my sister. And that caused even more problems. It was Really a a

Huge. Shitty fucking Move on my dad’s part to stay married at this. That woman. To marry her a 2nd time. Okay? But I’m not going to do that. And like you never know what kind of crazy shit people are going to pull out and I totally am. I realize that I’m like overthinking Over complicating, all this stuff.

I just

I love them. I don’t know what to do. You know, they’re the chicks from work. And if it’s meant to be, if it’s if I’m meant to have like I have no idea. When or how, or anything. And I need to get over because it’s time for me. I’m going to try and go to Sam’s Club.

Oh, I need to go over a person. Sorry.

Sorry. Okay. Sorry.

Yeah. Uh, old Madison Pike, I don’t know. I just feel really stupid because I talk about this crap all the time. You know, and it’s like Hurr Durr I wish I had a girlfriend, you know, and it’s

4:19 PM
Yeah. It’s really retarded.

You know, and then there was a big part of me that like, I’m just, I feel like I’m just too screwed up anyways. You know, I’m just going to drive them crazy and I’ll probably end up getting hurt a lot worse than they would. They would just get annoyed. But like, yeah, that fucking waste of time. You know that guy was a complete waste of time, what a fucking weirdo and uh, I would end up crying about her for, you know, every single time. Except for Hannah. Yeah, I cried my eyeballs out.

You know, a lot over all the ladies.

Oh, I think I went the right way. Yeah.

But I’m hungry.

Ah, I need to just focus on my music.

But we got off work early today. And, you know, it’s like, I don’t know. And then the last 1, you know, I see the last 1 was helmet girl, and I just I was you can go back. I’m nobody’s going to go back and read posts about her from over the summer but I was just retarded About helmet girl. Yeah, I was and she is she just She looks like she would just be The. Coolest. You know the sweetest lady ever and and she seems she’s kind of scary and you know uh she’s got you can tell she doesn’t take no crap. She’s actually, she seems intelligent. The little bit I talked to her. She’s, you know, she seems like a really great person. You know.

I just I’m afraid and then, you know, the quality lady I saw her There’s not. Anything wrong with her either, you know, and then the lady whom I’ve had a weird mean stare Exchange. Uh, she seems really awesome. And then, the gym lady, who I talked about in my last blog, who I mean, she she does. She looks like an angel. Fell to Earth from heaven. That’s how she, that’s how beautiful she fucking is.

Oh my God. And uh, but you know that just that all of them are like that. It drives me so crazy. And I guess instead of being like, well, I’m going to talk to her. I can’t imagine talking to all of them, you know. I’m not going to be some, I’m not going to. I don’t know how to do anything like that. I’m just going to not talk to anybody and Unless something, you know, 1 of them somehow I don’t know cuz that’s what Brittany did but it was like wrong. The whole way she went about it was so fucking wrong. Uh, I have no idea. I just I know that I’m going to focus on my music and I’m not going to be able. To like I just you know and and and what if you know, my music gets on her nerves.

I just get lonely, I guess.

But it makes me sad because I wish.

I feel like, I feel like I’m I feel like they all hate me now. Because I can’t, you know, I just I feel like I’m just, they think, oh, I’m a big stupid jerk.

Fuck up asshole even worse, you know, it.

Just makes me sad. I wish. I wish it was easier for me to talk to ladies.

And you know, it’s okay like the ones I’ve been around enough where I don’t, I don’t, I’ve lost like, like like this 1 chick, she’s a team lead and I had the biggest stupidest crush on her ever. When I first started working there and, you know, it took a while and I still like every now I see her I kind of light up a little bit. But um,

You know, and uh, but I talk to her all the time, I was actually showing her, pictures of my daughter after her braces came off. And I was like, oh my gosh, cuz I was so happy.

And uh, Yeah. But you know and then there’s her. Yeah she’s like I mean she is like supermodel hot, you know. So it’s like Oh gosh.

And then uh, you know, there was this lady, I worked with at the chicken plant. That was really cute and not the 1 I freaked out about but this other 1 who, you know, she was cute too but it’s like

I was around her every day and there was another lady that’s on my team and she’s really sweet but we’re around each other every day and it’s like, I don’t know it’s it’s I don’t have any problems talking to them.

Oh my gosh you know and then it just goes back to how I was raised. I wasn’t socialized very well.

As a matter of fact. I think I am going in the wrong. Way up here at the Sam’s Club. But uh, oh gosh, I am

Retarded.

Oh,

Okay, there’s a lot of people here. But you know what? It’s uh, it’s okay that there’s a lot of people here.

I don’t know what these people are doing.

Well, somebody is going out the wrong direction.

And somebody’s trying to back out. Oh, they’re backing into a damn parking spot.

Yeah, just let everybody come out because everybody’s retarded and I just appeared out of nowhere. Okay. And yeah, it’s raining too. But uh, what was I saying? I don’t know.

It’s this woman who’s trying to back in to these parking spaces and she’s taking up 2 parking spots trying to do it and getting in everybody’s way,

I don’t know why.

But it makes me sad, and it makes me really sad because I love all these ladies from work. And I’m stupid. And I just I freak out and I get overloaded, I get overwhelmed, I’m Hyper fucking sensitive about everything and it just makes me feel really shitty. And that’s how I feel right now about all that.

And, you know, it’s like I just, I don’t know what to do. And I really that’s I just have to shut down. I have to shut all of it off now forever at work. Until at least, I have no idea, but I’m going to just focus on my music. And, I love them. I love them all. They’re all just The most beautiful ladies I just I can’t, it’s killing me. You know, I just have to stop looking at every lady. At work

I just have to stop it’s like just stop. Focus on your music and the weekends you have money. Focus on the kids and live your damn life and the right lady will happen if it’s 1 of them, that’s awesome. If it’s not I love them all.

Gosh, I sound so stupid talking about this. I’m so stupid. I’m fucking stupid. Thank you, please.