WEDNESDAY MORNING

2:22 AM
Well, hello.

I woke up too early. Yeah, jeez.

But, I got tacos last night.

Um, after work. Got off work at like 5:30. I went to the gym. Probably until about 6:00. I got home around 7:00 a little after 7:00. And then I passed the hell out.

Oh my goodness.

I’m trying like I try to go back to sleep, but

I woke up at 12:22.

I know.

A lot of times when I wake up, it’s like some number, like that. It’s normal. It used to be remarkable. It’d be like, oh my God, I saw 11:11 on the clock. You know, like 2 or 3 times this week or oh, it’s like 3:33 or 4:44. But now I see it all the time like for the last decade. It’s just normal.

It’s really uh, a crazy thing though, this? Existence.

And reality and stuff like this version of it. What I’m in right now.

Kind of a funny thing that happened yesterday is Um, I just, I get so freaked out about like,

Chicks.

And uh, the gym lady the 1, I hide from and don’t go into the gym in the afternoons. Usually. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me because, uh, she obviously likes me And,

I need to just like, I’m never going to get a girlfriend if I don’t talk to ladies and

We made eye contact. Yeah, yesterday afternoon for like an extended period of time, it was kind of weird and It freaked me out really bad but it was also like, hey,

Um,

I think we just like each other. Yeah, it’s I don’t know what to do. I mean except just start talking to her and be like, hey, you know, Your hair looks nice.

I wish I was not so messed up, but but at the same time it’s like, I think, I think it’s it’s not going to hurt anything. If I just like, start trying to talk to her. I don’t have to marry her right off the bat or anything. Hahaha

But she is, she is just like,

Insanely beautiful. I don’t know what else to say about that. But uh, It’s just remarkable. It’s like this is such a crazy thing. And uh,

Just having to deal with other people and like there’s I have a co-worker that really sucks and he’s not like, Just, A, he’s annoying like he sucks as in like he’s A, a baby, you know, and he’s lazy and he doesn’t do anything. And he like comes back from break late all the time, and he doesn’t care and he’s just He’s not like, You know what I would? Consider just a Horrible piece of shit but he sucks as a coworker. And uh, that’s remarkable. It’s like

Annoying. But

Just the range of feelings, you know, like annoyance that can be experienced in varying degrees. It’s like, well, that’s kind of annoying and that’s really annoying. That’s, Not annoying at all, you know?

You can be happy.

And you be really happy or just kind of happy you can feel, okay? You can be sad. You can get angry.

Or gosh depressed, which is like

When sadness comes and it doesn’t go away easily.

You can fly into a blind, rage?

Blind rage. Yeah, which is almost what happened a couple months ago. A few months ago when my roommates were pet sitting those yippy ass dogs. Yeah, that was pretty like ridiculous.

I had to stop myself before that happened. Though. And, uh, Gosh. Just dealing with other people sometimes. And most of the time it’s okay. But every now and then like Just feel like, really? Wow.

But uh, I don’t know that was really awkward yesterday like with that chick. But um,

I don’t think she hates me. Yeah, that’s kind of the thing. It’s like it. Freaks me out when I go into the gym because she stares at me like all the time, And I don’t know why. I mean, I know why, but it’s like, I just don’t think of myself as that great. And it’s like that’s a funny thing too.

But what’s makes me not that great is, I didn’t think I would live that live this long. And I have not made good decisions, regarding finances and You know the future like I just kind of

I took it 1 day at a time for more years than I realized. I had gotten so used to living shitty You know, it was like, Gosh.

But it’s really, uh, it’s really kind of

Yeah, I don’t know. The temporal, like,

The whole realm, you know, things happen and Go away and come back or become. Something else

Nothing lasts forever here, at least like, It’s crazy because I Miss My Dogs. You know, but

For a time there, it’s just like, I thought uh, You know, it would last forever like my marriage, you know? And It’s just it didn’t and it really was like, but it was so huge and I cared about all the stuff so much that When it ended, I didn’t.

I didn’t know what to do, like I was so embedded with my dad’s business and Being married to my ex wife that after all that ended, and it ended about the same time both things. It was like, I still haven’t got 100% gotten my Bearings, which I totally had. You know, at 1 Point Before all that happened.

And some people got to have like a relationship, like they have to have somebody all the time, like my dad has to be married. You know. My exwife seems the same way. She got engaged like 6 months after the divorce

And, and it’s all like my Dad just goes, uh, like he’s been married, he married my mom and then like, You know. After that ended, he He already had somebody you know, lined up and uh even though that didn’t work out. They got remarried later and then got divorced. What like 17 years later? And not long after that, he got remarried again. I mean, I don’t think a year or even passed In either case, I think 2 years, elapsed between the time? Uh,

He and My first step mom. Yeah. Um

Got. Divorced and remarried, but uh, it was just like That’s, A lot of people are like that with other people and that’s kind of the thing is, I’m not like that at all. Obviously, haha

You know I guess another feeling that is uh rather ubiquitous amongst human beings is

Lust.

Yeah, it’s kind of a weird scary thing, but it’s funny. And it’s also kind of gross.

But, They do and I’m guilty of it too. I mean, you know, jeez, But uh, it’s like

I don’t know, people talk about it, they’re like, you know I want them, you know at least I had them or something or you know it’s just

People like, I guess they, uh, Kamado TOs. What’s the word?

Objectify each other. Yeah.

It’s like,

An object for pleasure and that’s lust. In a nutshell.

And women, do they treat me like a big stupid piece of meat and that scares the hell out of me because I’m so sensitive.

It’s also why I haven’t had a lot of, relationships and also why I’ve been single for so long.

I don’t know, but I’m just going to like I’m just going to start talking to that Chick when I see her. Just say hey, Your hair looks nice. Or, you know, cool hat. Or something. We all have to wear hats inside the plant. Haha

I heard that we’re supposed to get a bunch of crazy weather this weekend, but

After checking the, uh,

The weather. I just don’t. I don’t know that.

Let’s see it. So

It’s in the 30s.

It is supposed to rain tonight.

Yeah.

But it’s warm, it’s going to be like warmer. And then well Friday, I guess it’s supposed to Saturday.

Let’s look at the forecast.

Well, I guess it’s not supposed to get above freezing.

Sunday or something. I don’t know, maybe it is.

Oh my goodness.

I was just checking my Instagram. My stepmom, uh, it’s weird to say that because I have a new 1 Or, I guess new as of last year, but uh, she commented on. My taco post. It’s Taco yesterday. It was Taco Tuesday. And uh for the last, I’ve been pretty good about being able to get that for the last few months. On Tuesdays.

It’s uh, it’s really good. Those are great tacos from Del Taco. Del taco is so much better than Taco Bell.

It’s like when Taco Bell used to be good, that’s how Del taco is.

Yeah. Like back in, like Taco Bell in the Late 80s, you know, to the mid 90s.

Because it did Taco Bell used to be really, really good.

And now it’s just crap. Taco Bell is probably. My least favorite fast food restaurant.

I only ever ate there. Because of my ex fiance and then it reminded me of her and then I got over it and now I just don’t care about Taco Bell anymore.

Another weird thing about The Human Experience is sleep.

And dreams. And the contrast between, you know, waking reality. Which I guess, that’s where I am right now, haha and, uh, you know, dreaming. Being asleep, and it’s like,

It’s just so funny that even exists.

You know, like some of the major things you have to do you have to eat? You have to drink water and you have to sleep. Because if you don’t sleep after a while, you will die, You get crazy and I used to take medication.

And uh,

Sometimes I would stay up because I would abuse it like an asshole. I would stay up. You know, 2 or 3 days, which really isn’t anything compared to, you know, like dope heads cuz I know people who stayed up for like a week or 2 weeks, straight on dope. You know, of course, that’s when you start getting mental illness.

Folks talk about the shadow people. And uh, you know, hearing voices come out of the electrical sockets and out of the lights and just crazy stuff but that’s what happens when you don’t sleep. You start. You start hallucinating and then you start believing crazy shit and uh it’s like it’s really bad.

I think through like sleep and stuff. It’s, you know, a lot on a physical level. Uh, it’s your brain, you know, like Doing stuff your body repairs itself more when you’re asleep when you’re resting. Like, If you’ve been sick, or if you’ve hurt yourself, Or have a cut.

Haha, I don’t know. But um, Yeah, rest is important but it’s

It’s also a huge part of life. You spend a lot of your time dreaming and sleeping.

And dreams are so crazy. They consist of, you know, what, like you experience and the stuff in in the regular world. But

2:50 AM
It’s all like nonlinear and

Anything can happen and makes sense, and then When you wake up, you’re like, that didn’t make sense, but it felt like it made sense in the dream.

But it’s all part of the same process like life, really?

Is just a big dream in and of itself. I think that’s 1 reason why nobody really knows anything like, what is we come from, who fucking knows for real?

I think if you try to make too much sense of things, it loses its magic.

Until you try to start like, figuring out. Oh, I guess. Maybe you want to create your own, Universe you know?

Or understand better like why things happen. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

But sometimes, you know, knowing too much. I don’t know, I guess it depends on how you look at it. I hate to even say that.

In some cases I guess you know if you knew how things worked or how they you know how it it just

Wouldn’t seem so magical, but

I guess that goes back to the 333s and the, you know, the repeating numbers seeing those everywhere. It’s like,

I actually think that’s normal. I don’t know exactly what it means.

People make up their own interpretations though and publish that stuff on the internet.

I like how they incorporate um, in the search engines now. It’s like an AI overview.

And it just tells you.

But I’ve been getting a lot of like, crap, like reduced variance in my search engine results.

Uh, I’ve noticed the last few months it’s like I’ll look up something. That I used to look up like a year or 2 ago and you just don’t get the same amount of crap, I don’t know.

It’s funny too because The point that I started like seeing noticing all this shit like maybe 2007 or 8. When I started doing project Odin with Eric Yeah, and Luci.

Or Casey, I guess? Yeah.

Frequency illusion. When you notice a number like 1111 your brain becomes primed to spot it more often. Creating the illusion that it’s appearing, more frequently, which I don’t agree with that because Like a lot of times I’ll wake up like this morning and I woke up at 12:22. Well, I woke up before that, but when I checked the clock, You know, um, when I opened my phone, it was 12:22. And just like, when I made this post, I was like, I want to make a post. Oh, it’s 2:22. Okay. Well,

I didn’t know that. Supposedly, haha

It was that was the time you know. I didn’t know that was the time. I just opened my phone up and there it was it was like, okay well I don’t

Unless, I already know things that I’m not immediately consciously aware of, which I guess is Probably the case.

And then the confirmation bias.

I don’t know a lot of times like science and stuff, scientific explanations, it seems like it, it seeks more to limit Your potential as an entity. It’s like, no, you’re this and that’s it, you know, you’re just a human.

Like you don’t have any special abilities beyond that definition or, you know, everything’s just like this this certain way and You know, that’s it.

But I mean, that’s what’s so funny. It’s like if I unconsciously like do all this stuff that you know, it has a lot more. I have all this, like,

I already know all this crap, you know, it’s just Not present. Always in what I am thinking about right now. And, uh,

What am I trying to say? It’s like

I don’t know it’s funny that the AI like summary is, uh, it’s half of it is the scientific explanation and then the other half is the Um,

You know, spiritual New Age, like numerological explanation. It’s kind of funny, you know. And that’s kind of the same like what I’m talking about like waking and You know, sleeping reality. It’s like okay.

Of course, you have night and day and male and female. It’s the dualistic. You know, uh, this whole world is Positive and negative manifestation and that mixes up.

Yeah, it’s just a big mix of those 2 forces all over the map. It’s pretty.

Crazy though just to think about it because I have all these emotional attachments and stuff. And if I didn’t,

Like what would anything mean? You know, it’s it’s a lot more fun to take a magical interpretation of reality than You know, the cold hard facts which

A lot of times points, you know, through either directly or indirectly, a lot of times, it reveals the truly magical nature You know, the magical like

That this is truly like a big magical crazy experience that You know, doesn’t always have to make sense but it does.

Really depends on where you’re looking and how you’re looking at it. And that’s what’s so funny, is it always just depends.

There’s no straight answer for. Pretty much. You know, for most things, at least as far as the uh, you know,

The nature of of existence. I mean, it just is

Or it isn’t, you know? And that’s that’s it or it’s not but it is

It’s both.

You know.

You could say it’s both but it’s also neither, but it It is both and neither, so it’s both.

It’s always both. If it’s both and neither, it’s also both. Of those things

God, I’m not just going to keep using that word but it’s you know what I mean?

It’s like that’s like 2 properties, you know, it’s what it is and what it isn’t but what it isn’t is also what it is. What it is, also is what it isn’t. Haha Derp

And that’s what it is, right? Yeah.

I wish I had more energy to do stuff. Like I, of course, I went to the gym and I wore myself out at the gym and I’m not sore or anything today. And I got about 5 hours of sleep.

So I guess I’m just going to try to start building myself back up and I’m not going to hide from the gym girl anymore. I’m just going to like be like, hey, at her.

You know, worst case scenario, she’s going to be like, oh, you’re not really what I’m looking for. You know, I don’t know, that’s kind of the thing. It’s like I get it that I’m like, I’m different and I seem interesting and I apparently I’m really good looking But, uh,

I just don’t.

Think of myself as all that great, you know, I know I’m a great dad. And I’m an accomplished musician and artist, but like,

I’m a mess from a practical standpoint, you know.

Oh, I really am.

I guess I kind of have a complex about that because the way my ex fiance treated me, uh, but

She was also really horrible. Hahaha Haha Oh gosh.

Well, anyways, I don’t know, I don’t know what else to say. So it’s almost time for me to get up and get a shower. I’m going to edit this and By the time I get up and get a shower and all that, it’s going to be time to go.

Yeh.

Yeehaw! Thank you, please.