MONDAY NIGHT

7:09 PM
Oh my goodness.

What a day? What? A lazy stupid day. Yeah, yesterday was exciting.

Today has just been like, blowing out of work. I’m, I’m blow, I’m out of? Blah.

I didn’t have to work today.

And I went to Culver’s. And wished. I had not, I’ll probably not go there again for a very long time.

It’s the worst time I ever got it and they forgot my Sundae. I had to go back inside and like, hey, y’all forgot my Sundae? I spent the last bit of money, I had on it, too.

I’ve Got 5 dollars for gas tomorrow.

I get paid Wednesday though. But I have got to be better about money this time.

It’s almost impossible to do, though, because the kids are like, Dad get us. Get us and we have to go do stuff.

Sometimes. I don’t really know what I’m doing. I never know what I’m doing. Uh, sometimes it hits me. It’s like, man, what are you doing? You know. With your life? What is life?

What is this? You know, it’s crazy. I used to think it was totally different back in the day. You know, back 20 years ago,

I didn’t know anything and I still don’t. It’s like

I used to just think.

So much differently about everything. Sometimes I wonder how real any of this is.

I mean, look at who the president is and all the dumb shit that’s happening in the world right now and it never goes away. You’d think the 20th century would have had enough drama for everybody? It’d be like, no, let’s like do something Better for everything. But

In a lot of ways, it is better than it used to be. A lot of stuff is better. But a lot of stuff is still retarded. And then people want to make it even more retarded than it really is.

It’s a funny thing. It’s like a big, uh, world, you know. And There’s all this stuff you can do, you can collect things, you can Make things or all of it, you can

Work at a gas station or at a car factory, or you can be a business person. You can have a career in the Arts.

You can make really bad decisions and screw your life up.

Can marry the wrong person, and that’s is

A funny thing to think about like marriage, It’s like, hey, I’m a person and there’s another person. And we love each other, I guess and get together and get married and have babies and it. It’s funny how everything’s split into 2 things.

It is. There’s male and female and night and day. And the Sun and the Moon, which goes with that. There are is left and right. Up and down.

And dualistic. You know, there’s a black and white.

And,

There’s all the stuff in between, but

Those are the extremes.

What is the tally Hall song? Yeah, um,

https://youtu.be/pLJ85XExZtQ?si=G9PowLQKnHEB4_QY

You have Android and you know, the Apple phones things.

Of course, that’s also, you know, PC and Macs. Still? Xbox and Playstation

Coke and Pepsi? Chicken or steak. Haha

Open and Closed

And then, uh,

You have Auburn and Alabama football.

That’s Alabama though, that’s the state of Alabama. It’s like

You can tell when someone’s an Auburn fan or or um, you know, the Alabama fan.

It’s still a pretty popular deal. You know.

It’s funny that you work. 5 days a week.

And then you’re off for 2 days and that’s it, of course, at Target, it was 4 days. You know, and then you’re off for 3 which is I liked a little better. I liked working with 4 tens.

A lot of people were talking about how they wish where I work now would do that. But I don’t

Think that’ll ever happen, though. I don’t. Yeah, I think that’ll never happen.

I wish I had more um I’m not really could call it energy.

I think it’s the like it’s the will the energy is there if I just had the will To uh practice my music. But it’s cold and I have excuses. It’s like 20 degrees and even though I’ve got my propane space heater, Out there.

I just don’t feel like being cold. I got uh,

At all, you know.

I do want to practice guitar in my room, but I’m really loud. Especially with some of the flamingo stuff. I’ve been wanting to try. It’s like, oh shit. That’s loud.

What is wrong with me?

It’s funny just how like screwed up and detached. I am

More than ever. And a lot of it is, uh,

Is my job is a factory job and I just don’t have to think. And I get what I call Factory Brain.

It always took about a month to readjust. Like to doing house remodeling after uh, any extended period in a factory. I think the worst 1 was uh, Doing it in 2024, it took a while and then I got my brains back in order and, uh, Got that job at Target. It was a little more. Like, I was a little more, like, Used my brain, you know but now it’s just all Gone away again. It’s it’s really funny.

But I like it that way because it isn’t stressful. Oh what stresses me out? Uh more than anything at my job. Now is crappy ass co-workers. Just there are you know and they’re not that bad though. Only a few of them. It’s just it gets on my nerves. Because I’m around them every day all day and it’s like, dang, you know,

I do think it is a remarkable thing that like the work week, you know, is with people unbalanced. Yeah, it’s like you spend most of your time working.

And if you have a career, if you have a job where you actually make a difference about things like in a tangible immediate way and not like a car factory or any kind of factory, it’s hard to see that.

If you have to, like,

Remember, you know, you’re actually doing something that?

As small as it seems, it makes a big difference. And then uh, You know, you get to see the people out driving the cars that you’ve put things into. Uh sometimes it takes at least for me. Anyways, I have to remind myself. It’s like oh yeah. You know, these are all going to people. But it doesn’t seem like it while you’re doing it even though, like when I worked at the chicken plant, I knew all that was going out to feed people and so people wouldn’t starve, you know what I mean? Ha ha ha. But uh, It’s hard to remind yourself because the work is so Monotonous. It’s like, oh yeah that’s right. There is a purpose to all this. But it’s easy to forget.

Especially when like the Wing Machine lasts a year before last? Yeah. Gosh, it’s been 2 years since I started with the chicken plant. But uh, the bags of wings. Well, they call it the Wing Station. Yeah. And uh, Wings would fall into the bags and you’d have to weigh them. And uh, It was so stupid and fast-paced and 1 wrong move. And there would be Wings in the floor like just piles and piles of it. You had to swap out bags and had to weigh the bags just, right. And you had to put a a tub or a box up under the Chutes when you were changing out the bags.

It was, uh,

Didn’t seem like there was a lot, you know, it’s just Wings forever. And I remember when I worked at the car seat Factory, just putting little metal. Uh, wire things into Jigs and it automatically welded them onto pipes and stuff. For the insides of the car seats. That was really hard to, uh,

Imagine there being a point to it. It just feels like you’re doing this. It’s just this mind-numbing repetitive tasks like the same. Series of you know like 8 steps you’ll put like you know, 4 steps with each hand. You’ll have like 2 of these and 2 of these and 2 of these and you’ll put them in a certain way. And a jig which is like a A premade like pattern.

Uh, thing. That holds the stuff in place and the little robots. Weld them together. But uh, it’s hard to To um,

See beyond that while you’re doing it, you know, you do it.

A hundred times, you know, in a quarter.

Uh, like 2 hours? Yeah.

Or more 130 times I think. Uh, what’s the TAC time? I don’t remember all that had the right word, though.

Then changed it to that acronym, but

The thing I liked though, about Honda was the headlight process.

Um, that was a lot of fun.

Sometimes I really miss that place. You know, sometimes it hurts.

That was so crazy. I don’t know where to start talking about it but, uh, Yeah, it feels you know when you’re actually like moving around the car and can see the car and everything. I guess, that’s my point. It feels a little more. Uh like there is a point. Yeah to it. And you’re just all this, you know, work is just lost down a fucking black hole. Of repetition forever.

At the other places I’ve worked that was this 1 job I had at the stamping press at this place called Newman which was the worst job I ever had.

Well no, working for my uncle was the worst job I ever had.

But the Newman place it was just parts coming out of a stamping machine. Um little hand sized parts that you would stack and put in a box and a parts holder box. And that was the parts would change, but the things would be the same. You would do like, a 1 part for, you know, most of the day and it would change to something else.

And it was really easy, but you just stood in 1 place and went stack stack, stack stack, stack stack stack? Over and over, and over, and over, and over, and over and over.

And I would start pretending that I was on a space Dock and these were spaceship parts. Because they looked like it, they were really crazy looking Parts, but they went in the doors. Of like, I think the Honda Civic Yeah.

It was, uh,

It’s hard to, you know, it’s just But yeah, you work 5 days and you’re off for 2 and

It’s normal and it’s I guess it could be worse. But it, it does, it’s really funny to me, that that is Uh, that’s just working class life.

But yeah, if you have a career or something, where you actually like, like when I did generators, that was, uh, A whole lot more than 5 days a week though. But,

I felt better about the work I did and the house remodeling. Oh, always made me feel good because you know, I could see the results as I was making them.

I saved a lot of chicken farms. When I was doing generators.

And the farmers. Uh,

They loved me, everybody loved me. And uh, Man. Sometimes it got really crazy.

Did. I would get called out at like, 2:00 in the morning. I have to go to Georgia or something. And uh,

Change out a transfer switch part. Or uh, something you know?

The motor brake board. Lots of those changed out a lot of those, they’re real susceptible to lightning.

7:28 PM
Sometimes I really miss those days.

But I don’t miss working for my dad. Or working with my step cousin.

I’ll always wonder if I made the right decisions, you know?

I mean, what does that even mean?

Because a lot of times, I feel like I’ve already done it, I lived my life, I did it, you know, I was like, that’s what I did. And I’m just kind of waiting to like die or something. Isn’t that funny? Yeah, it’s like I mean, I did it. So I’ve done a lot of stuff, a lot of crazy things and big things. And it’s just like, well, The will isn’t there? Like it was, 20 years ago but just stuff happens and over and over and over. It’s just like well.

You know, I just don’t have

I’m having a hard time, with will. You know, with willpower Today, especially but it’s been like this for a while. It’s like, well, I got free time.

I’m just going to lay here like a lump instead of doing something productive.

I guess making a blog post though. That’s something it’s like hey here’s how I feel. But um, I don’t know, I just, I do feel like, what the hell is wrong with me? I have like

I have an obligation to my kids, right?

Which I get them about every other weekend and then the rest of the time, I can do whatever else I want. And

Why am I not practicing?

Guitar. I guess because it is cold in the garage and I am really loud in my room and I don’t want to go out to the garage. I know, I’m, I’m trying to explain this to myself like why? You know, I’m not being, I’m not just being a fucking I guess I kind of am being a fucking idiot about it.

But I have

I don’t have to be so hard on myself.

But, It’s also a thing. It’s like well, you know, you’re

Running out of time. Like how much longer do you think you’re even going to be here? You need to practice your guitar and get out and start playing again. Just be like, hey yeah me and finish the stupid album that you’ve been working on for

It’s changed a lot, but I guess for the last 4 or 5 years but I’ll come up with a new songs, I guess. The format that I’m using right now. I’ve been working on this for about 2 months ever since I got this uh nylon string guitar back in February.

Back in November. I don’t know what month I’m in. I don’t know why February came out, I think, because it’s the next month, it’s almost that it’s almost here.

But, I do I need to get out and start performing again, my voice, sounds great, compared to what it sounded 3 or 4 months ago.

I guess, because

I guess because it’s 18 degrees. And I don’t want to go out in the garage because even though I have my propane space heater, yeah, that’s going to be really great but it’s still really cold.

Usually, the space heater. Is good for like, temperatures in the 30s. But in the teens, I don’t know, I don’t I don’t feel like being uncomfortable and that’s horrible.

I brought my space heater to my uh, storage unit yesterday. And that was really great.

I don’t know, maybe I need to just get up and get a shower. And uh,

Try to clean up my room a little bit. I have to work tomorrow so I’ve got to get up. At like 3:00.

I can’t believe I spent all my money at Culver’s. I have I have 5 dollars on gas for gas. Oh on my

Cash app card and I have like 450 on my chime. No $4.50. Yeah.

1 of my friends, I think I mentioned this, uh, that I’ve let borrow money. They said, I’ve given her $40 this week.

Oh, she keeps asking me for money and it’s like at first, it was like, well, you know, I know she’d been through a lot of crap last year, she’d been to the hospital. Been in the hospital, she was there for like a week. And a bunch of other stuff so I don’t know what’s going on. Whether

With her. But, uh, Kind of wondering if maybe she got hacked, which makes me feel.

Stupid because she’s never asked me for money before. I was just like, yeah, I hear, you know, I had kind of had it. I kind of didn’t though. But um,

She kept telling me she’d pay me back and she hasn’t and then she asked, she said she would pay me back today the other day. And then this morning, she had sent me another request for ten dollars. It’s like, well, I don’t have it, you know? But I’m just wondering if she got hacked or something, or she’s really just

Messed out.

Meth.

Yeah, method out.

Yeah. Oh gosh. Cuz that wouldn’t surprise me either. But, I was thinking about blocking her actually. Yeah, just blocking her.

Oh, crap. Yeah. It’s

It’s really funny.

That I feel that way all the time, you know?

It’s like, dang.

That’s a big reason why I run away from women so much because they do they’re like everywhere especially at work. They’re like, hey at me and I’m like

Still really afraid. Isn’t that sad? I think it’s really sad. Sometimes I think about the way I am like socially and stuff.

It’s really sad.

But then the trade-off is, uh, I’m really creative and Talented. And

It’s just, it’s like

Oh, but

I mean that’s the trade-off. Is, uh, I’m just the most socially retarded weirdest person ever. I’m so awkward.

My daughter was saying something about it. 1 day, we were at a Mexican restaurant and I was like, blah, blah blah me. And she was, she said, dad, you’re the most awkward person in the universe.

And not on purpose, but

I really am.

I’m really sensitive and I get a lot of Bio feedback from humans.

Like,

Just all kind of stuff.

And uh, it hurts. Sometimes I get overwhelmed. What’s that uh Star Trek episode 10 man? Yeah, I mean it’s not like that extreme but it’s kind of like that. Yeah, I don’t get like you know I’m not on a ship full of people. You know, with all the voices in my brain and I can’t turn it off. You know, it’s too loud and drives me like You know to smash my head against the wall and scream in agony. It’s not like that. Haha But,

It’s funny how like sensitive and impressionable I am, but then I get I can come up with these crazy ass songs about it.

I have made up so many songs. I’ve been working at this job. For almost a year and I’ve gotten lots of songs. I got a lot of songs the last time I worked there and I got a ton of them out of, uh, Honda and out of

Um, Target and the chicken plant, I only got 1 song out of the car seat Factory. It was called O Taste my Butt. And I made a ton of them up all the time when I was doing house remodeling. That’s where some of my best songs came from, like, Uh, Concrete block house.

I don’t know, I guess it does help to talk about it. I don’t feel so like

I don’t know. I just, but a lot of times I do, I will find myself just feeling like I’ll just get stuck in, like, I, I’ll Drift Away back to the past. Because I am real just super, just stupid traumatized

Uh still from all that and it has it’s been 8 years. It’s like wow you know I was looking at pictures earlier. If they pop up in my fucking Google memories. My photo memories. And like, here’s all these pictures from like 2017 and 18. It’s like gosh, I looked so different I had long like really thick fucking hair.

And it just,

You know.

2 years, the last 2 years. I was married. It just did something like it. Just broke something in my soul. And uh,

I’ve never gotten it like it’s never, it’s never the same. It hasn’t been the same but my perspective on life isn’t the same.

As it was it’s uh, it’s really crazy. Because sometimes I’m just like,

It’s like, um,

I don’t know any other way to put this. Like if you’re playing Roblox, you know some games. I’ll play with my kids and if you die, you’ll go to like, uh, Like this room, this big room and wait to respawn when the game starts again like uh like natural disaster, the natural disaster game or hide and seek. You know, and uh, if they find you, you get you go to this, like big like waiting room. You know, waiting to respawn again. That’s what I feel like happened to me. And, uh, like like extra dimensionally it’s, it’s not like it doesn’t seem that way, in the 3rd dimension, here I am but it is that way, like, Like, I’m I I’m fuck, I’m dead. I’ve been dead for like 8 years and I’m just waiting to respawn.

And that’s, you know, I still get, I get to see the kids and stuff, you know, and I get to do things and kind of piddle around, but, like my life, you know, that ended. That’s how I feel a lot of the time and it’s weird. And uh, it’s not something I enjoy, but I try to like make the most of it.

I guess, you know, a lot of that you could say it’s in my head but it’s like it’s broken. You know.

It’s like a, uh, Something doesn’t connect anymore, it’s like Especially after my ex-fiancée.

I don’t know, a better way to explain it. It’s like I’m here, but I’m not, you know.

Oh, I don’t know what else to say. Yeah, that was like

It’s pretty much how I feel most of the time and I do, uh, It makes me feel better to to talk about it in my blog. Because I feel like I’m talking to the whole universe. The whole universe. Yeah.

I should try to make up. More lyrics to the, um,

In me, Corazon.

Ya song. Haha.

But I’m tired now. I don’t know. It’s it’s getting time for me to wind down and Pass out. I think I woke up this morning. About 7 something.

And I took a nap at some point. I think between like, 3 and 5.

I don’t know. I don’t know.

But really, though it is, it’s crazy like just planet Earth. And human history civilization, you know, like

Gosh, just the 20th century alone was so crazy.

And people like they make up stories and make. Up, uh, things. About. Like other times. Like I was thinking of the movie, Jeremiah Johnson, you know, which is 1 of my favorite movies and, uh, What was it made in the 70s, right? And uh, it was set in like the 18th or other 70s 1870s or something. I think it was right after the Civil War. I’ll look that up. I haven’t seen that movie in probably 15 years. Because I don’t really watch movies anymore.

Um, Let’s see.

Yeah, 1972.

It’s Mexican. War veteran, okay.

Okay, well, I guess it’s set in the mid to late 1840s

I didn’t realize it was that early? Yeah, well anyways, but that’s what you had in the 20th century. You had movies and shit. That like told the story and it had never happened like that before.

7:48 PM
Other places and times and like, retro futurism.

Always kind of cracked me up.

I mean, it didn’t know when it first came out because it was like, yeah, the future within the future is Uh, here you know? It’s here. Yeah, it’s right now.

That was something that was funny and growing up. You know, people talked about, you know, 2020 something. I imagined all kind of crazy shit. But it’s not that different. It’s just, you know, we have cool phones and the internet. And like, Video Games are so Realistic

Streaming platforms. It’s easier to watch what you want. You don’t have to wait till It comes on TV or pre-record it with a VCR. You know, um,

It’s like,

Those parts food is easier to get but everything’s, you know, inflation has

It’s it’s pretty stupid right now. It, I guess it it’s not going to get any better. It’s funny to look back on money like that’s another thing. Inflation is just a crazy thing to me because uh, the same thing, you know, that like 5 dollars used to buy, what a hundred years ago?

Wow. Okay. I was just looking up. Uh yeah 5 dollars in 1845 like for Jeremiah Johnson. 5 bucks, man. I’ve got that. Oh crap. I forgot. I had a bunch of cash.

Thank you.

Fuck. I do. I’ve got uh, 1 2 3

5 6.

7 dollars. Wow, I did not know I had the

Well, 7 dollars in 1845 money.

Would be worth $298.53 cents today. Yep. Isn’t that insane?

I know that was, uh,

Like a 180 years ago.

But that’s crazy. Oh, I’m going to look it up even more.

Well, apparently $7.14.

Hello.

$7 in the year 1432. Is a lot of fucking money, like

You know.

$7 in fucking 1700 would be worth $553 today. Yeah. 500 and 53, and

38 cents. I knew I had more money. I just, I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking about my wallet because I got money out for lottery tickets. So I guess I can get coffee in the morning. That makes me happy.

So, a dollar in 1700, Was worth more than $63.

Oh, that’s an alternative calculation.

I don’t know, inflation to me is just

So silly. It’s like, okay.

$800 in 1952 is worth. Almost 10 thousand dollars today.

That’s just so crazy.

I was, uh,

Watching this thing about Grady Reeves.

Because I made up a song about Grady Reeves. Being my granddaddy And uh, so I was looking around YouTube for some samples and apparently, he paid $700 For uh, Elvis and Sam Perkins. And Jerry Lee Lewis and Johnny Cash. Uh, for them to put on a show, this is before they got famous.

And,

I was like,

It’s worth like, almost 8,000.

Wait 8,000. 465, dollars. Yeah.

That’s a lot of money.

What about?

Even in 1980, the year, I was born.

$800 would be, uh,

Because that’s about how much money I make a week. See.

Yeah, uh, 3,146. That’s what I would make if I made what I make now. Uh, back in like, 1980, that’s what it would be worth. Let’s Look at what it would be. Like just In 2006.

Because I used to think.

Okay, not quite as extreme.

That’s still a lot though. 800 dollars was worth $1,286. In 2006. And it just kills me the how much time has passed. It’s like, holy shit.

I’ll have a almost a 15 year old kid.

Time is another crazy thing.

On the planet Earth and part of the human experience. It just adds another element of like crap. It’s like you have to eat. And drink water. And you have to sleep but you also exists in this thing called time. And you grow and stuff happens in a, linear like somewhat way. It’s all like branched out and

Stuff, Is connected up under the surface but like,

It’s just crazy and inflation, you know, goes along with that. Through time

I’m just saying, no, because In 2006, I got my Oh,

I got a job fixing vacuum cleaners, making about 400 dollars a week.

And I thought that was pretty good money. I guess that’s worth.

You know.

643 today, which is You know, it’s pretty fucking

It’s nothing. Even what I’m making Now isn’t anything?

Yeah, I mean not really.

It’s funny. How money is like,

It makes such a difference. It’s such a big thing in like,

Really is because some people don’t have a lot of it and some people have more of it than they know what to do with and it’s

Crazy.

And, you know, I could have had a lot of money. But I’m not wired that way, apparently. I don’t know. But I do.

All the time. I just feel like I’m

I don’t know how much. I don’t know like how long Or if it’s going to last for the rest of my life, or if it’s going to like change, you know? It’s like well, I would like to do More with my life than just work at a car factory and get my kids on the weekends.

But I don’t know. I’m tired of talking. This is a really long post. Haha Thank you, please.