TUESDAY NIGHT

6:43 PM
Oh gosh. It’s uh

Tuesday night.

I made it.

I did. I made it home. Haha I didn’t get off work too late or anything, it was like 4:23 when I clocked out.

I was going to get taco Tuesday, but I didn’t like the vibe in there today. I went in there. I borrowed twenty dollars from my ex-wife. Bless her heart and I was like, I want to get taco Tuesday. Well, no, I didn’t.

Just uh, I came home. And I laid down for. Seemed like,

A long time. I don’t know. But I just kind of

Was like, should I need to eat? So I ate a tuna meal and a bunch of these chips.

Still haven’t found that can opener.

Gosh, you know, there’s

There’s no telling where it is, uh, yeah.

Where it’s at?

Did did have another 1 of those?

Uh, energy drink packs. Packets.

Well.

Is actually looking.

Too thicker.

Or something.

Okay. Gosh.

A toothpick Urban, I found my dental floss.

Oh my gosh. Just don’t pick anything up.

Correctly.

I was looking at this uh, framed little thing full of Pictures.

Of Me, 1 of my aunts made it for me. It’s like uh,

It’s got. My name and my birth date and some pictures of me.

Just in the floor.

I’ll take a picture of it.

Okay, I did.

Anyways, I was looking at it. Haha

It, um, kind of makes me sad because

Oh, how old was I when my aunt gave me that. Probably like 20 21, something like that.

Uh, there’s like pictures of Of me and my sister, and

1 of me and my dad and me and my ex-wife.

Or you know, my ex-wife and me Uh,

And then I have this other picture up here.

Of my mom and me. Yeah. When I was like 3 years old,

And I remember going and getting these pictures made because Mom was wearing like this robe. This red like velvety robe.

Yeah and uh I remember the shirt. I think it was a Olan Mills Kmart or something. Yeah. I remember.

Just remember that day, it’s kind of funny and then got Like the pictures back and I remember posing for those pictures and some of those pictures were like they would have like, you know, you and then a picture of the side of your head, kind of Fading Into the top. Corner of the picture. I don’t have those pictures with me, but

I remember those those were popular, like styles, Actually, I have a whole bunch of pictures. I just haven’t looked through them yet. I might do that later. It hurts me to go back and look at like the past.

Sometimes it hurts a lot. Because my life is so different and I really, really care a lot. More about the people I love than any of them probably realize.

Ever like I’m I’m just all of them talking about my cousins and my aunts And uh my dad has 4 sisters. That’s when I talk about my aunts, that’s who I talk about, I’m talking about I haven’t I’m not close with anybody anymore. I talked to uh I got an aunt Butch. And I talke to her a couple times a year. And I have an aunt Gail.

She’s the oldest. And uh, she’s really awesome too and I talk to her Every now and then I have an Aunt Linda and an aunt Patricia.

And uh,

They’re a little different, but I still love them.

But speaking of which my mom’s sister, I don’t think I mentioned this in a post. Uh my mom’s only Not only sister. Uh, her oldest, her older sister there was only 3 girls 4 boys and 3 girls.

I guess I have 4 aunts on my dad’s side. I have a 4 uncles on my mom’s Um, but uh,

I think she was a couple of years older than my mom. I think so, and she died. Last week. She was my cousin Ben. And cousin.

Shea. And cousin, Matt and Wes who passed back in 2010 Wes did. Uh, it was their mom.

My mom’s side of the family. They had a really traumatic. Like really messed up childhood. My grandpa came back from, uh,

A Nazi Pow Camp, he was captured at the battle of the Bulge and he was all messed up and I, you know, I guess the stuff I just don’t really feel comfortable talking about right now, like the way he would well, for an example. If they did, like, made bad grades, or did something, you know, like, you know, Normal parents and kids, you know, the kids would get grounded or, a whooping at the, you know, worst case scenario. Well, he would execute their pets.

Like that’s like, if they had, you know, a dog, their best friend, you know, or whatever. Their pet, their beloved pet, if they did something bad, they would have to watch it, get shot.

That’s, that was how he punished that was a form of punishment and you know, That’s pretty messed up.

I couldn’t imagine treating my kids like that and then my parents, you know, to come from that and then have me and my sister cuz my dad’s side of the family. Like my granddaddy was really

Bad really, really bad. And both my parents had just really crazy fucked up childhoods, and then they got together and had 2 kids Uh, and our childhood wasn’t as

Traumatic or fucked up but our parents were just so weird from all that it was like my dad was never home. It’s like he couldn’t. Handle having. Like a normal home life. It was weird. And I don’t think my mom could either. And I think my mom had a lot, my mom. Was mentally ill anyways and she had a lot. I think to deal with regarding that, that I didn’t realize was as bad as it was, until I got older.

And it hurts me so much sometimes to think about my mom because I miss, my mom. Like so much like every day. I think about, you know, I wish my mom was still alive and I don’t know what else I could have done. And I have I’ve talked too, all about that. It’s a long story, kind of

But my sister tried to she did her best.

Like, we just couldn’t do anything, more we did everything that we could do for our mom, and the way, my mom treated me. Was totally different than the way she treated my sister and the same thing for my dad. Like my dad. It’s so crazy. I’m just like I might as well not even have a dad anymore, he was this huge presence. I mean, this fucking Force in my life for a long, long time. Until I was like, 37. And it is, it’s crazy. I got I just I had enough. I was dealing with so much 1 day at a chicken farm, he wouldn’t stop talking to me, like, I was crap and I blew up on him and it sucked and

It just never was the same after that but I don’t know what he expected, either. You know, he was Being such an asshole.

And I was dealing with my ex-wife, just But I can’t it’s like I was thinking about that today you know sometimes it really hurts to reach back and it just it’s like I have It’s, I can’t escape it sometimes. It’s like, I’ll dream about it. If it’s like, if nothing else. And, uh, but it’s

She’s so awesome to me now, you know? I mean, she really is.

And, She’s like,

All I ever wanted was just for her to be happy. You know for real It got to a point where that wasn’t happening. With me anymore. That’s a long long story too. And, uh, I remember telling my daughter 1 time cuz she asked me, if I could go back and like, change, you know, anything any 1 Thing

And I was like, well, you know, I would have done things different with her mom.

With my ex-wife, because even though, And this is going to sound really stupid. But like, even though

I was really awesome to her. I mean, I really was especially for sometimes what I had to work with. But I wasn’t perfect.

And I would go back and be perfect.

Yep.

And I don’t really know what else to say about that. I just don’t know what any of it.

Like, Other than the kids. You know. Getting the kids out of it, but the rest of it. Like, why in the hell did it even? I don’t understand any of it. I don’t, I don’t understand why

Uh, it ended the way it did, but then sometimes it’s like, I don’t know how we were together as long as we were and then sometimes it’s like, just it’s, it’s weird. And,

Anyways though, that’s what. Yeah, the picture. Oh, cuz she’s right there in the bottom.

Right hand corner, you know? It’s like yeah I was that was um, That had to be like 2,000. Yeah, 2001 or something.

But I don’t have that anymore, like family things except for, when I get the kids, which I get the kids, as often as I can. Because that’s the only thing keeping me like Tethered to reality.

Isn’t that funny?

Yeah, I wouldn’t have done anything normal.

My ex-wife’s, the only reason why I did anything normal and I don’t know what to do with a normal. Like I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s crazy.

I joke and stuff and say, like, oh, the most normal on the most normal person, but I’m I’m not, you know, that’s sarcasm.

But it’s just I don’t know. I was just thinking about that all that stuff because my aunt died and um my cousin uh I guess it’s his grandma. My cousin Wes’s son.

Yeah, it was really messed up because

He was 10 when my cousin Wes died. He had, I think a brain aneurysm the best. Anybody could figure and he lost, Consciousness and crashed. His vehicle into the side of a house. And it messed up the house real bad too. I remember when it happened.

My cousin Wes was, uh, He was like this crazy, like hybrid. Intellectual redneck mix, it was

Remarkable this? Like he had this database like knowledge in his brain. He was really, really intelligent.

But he was like, just

Uh, like a like a crazy Outlaw, you know? Yeah. At least that’s how I remember him

Well that kind of runs on my mom’s side of the family, a lot just uh It’s really creative, intelligent people who are Completely off the fucking handle and I’m not that far from that. I’m a lot more. Um,

Introverted, I guess. I don’t know. That’s probably the best. Best way to say, that’s why I’m not. Like I had a an uncle who lived in the woods. For like a long time in a tent like years and years, you know. And uh,

I have another uncle. Who was, uh, He had some kind of management position at Halle Burton and he got kidnapped. Yeah, for Halle Burton. Um and he Halle Burton, The Old Company. The oil company Halliburton. Yeah, thanks anyways. Uh, he was kidnapped twice. In Nigeria, and they paid his Ransom like both times.

I guess that’s to the extreme like my, um,

My mom’s Brothers 2 of my uncles.

7:06 PM
I had another Uncle who uh, he passed in 2022. I think both of those 1 of those uncles. The 1 who lived in the woods died in 2018 and the other 1

I want to say 2020 2021, something like that.

The 1 who was kidnapped in, Nigeria. And then I had an uncle, uh he was a farmer but he was really a Centric and uh, a Centric. He was, he’s in Centric. He was a Centric. A Centric.

Yeah, Fuckin whatever it.

He was in a Centric he had an eccentric personality. Thank you. Jesus. And uh, But he was real like normal though, seeming. Him and his wife had been married for like, I think, right around 50 years. They had, 4 kids and a whole bunch of grandkids.

Those were my Arab cousins.

From Arab Alabama. And uh, then I have another Uncle, my cousin, Shawn’s dad, who is just He’s the best uncle I have. He’s the only 1 I have left on Mom’s side of the family.

But he’s like, gosh, he’s so awesome.

He’s the coolest Uncle ever and I need to holler at him.

And my aunt, Christy who is the those they’re like the best relatives.

And my Aunt Barbara which is my mom’s youngest sister.

And just Gosh. I was just like, they were the ones who did all the stuff with the kids. Like when I was little me and all the cousins Like they were the grown-ups that were always there, like watching us and making sure we didn’t kill each other.

It was my mom and my Uncle Joe and my aunt Christy and my Aunt Barbara. Yep.

I had a funny childhood though like because my mom’s family is from a totally different place than my dad’s family.

I don’t know. This phone’s being a piece of shit. I think it’s the Wi-Fi though.

Um, what was I saying?

Yeah. Like a lot of times because my dad was in the military, he’d be gone.

6 months out of the year. Yeah or more and Mom would just get sick of being stuck at the house like during the summer if he was gone during the summer like the whole summer vacation, Uh, or at least like a month and a half or 2 months of it, we would just go spend it up at my grandma’s in Centre Alabama. Which is about an hour and a half away from where my dad’s side of the family is and it was weird. They met Uh, I think in Oklahoma

When they were my dad was a working construction. With the husband. Of. Like the ex-husband of my Aunt Barbara. And they introduced Him to my mom. And I think my Uncle, Tim the the the 1 who got kidnapped. He was doing construction like that. My dad got him started doing construction in the construction business. And he just worked his way up until he was, you know, Uh, overseeing like these huge oil, um, tanks. Like

Offshore like crazy stuff. Uh, he was telling me about some stuff he did.

In Australia off the coast of Australia and he was like the head guy that he was the boss. So over all that stuff And uh, you know, it was

It’s like, that’s my you know that’s my uncle ha. You know I have

A cousin on my dad’s side. Uh,

I guess I have some really accomplished relatives, I don’t know. I’m just trying to think without going off on too big of a rant about all this stuff. I was just really just missing uh having a family like I used to have growing up and I don’t have that anymore.

I mean, I guess I keep in touch with a lot of my cousins and stuff. But as far as like,

You know, I don’t ever talk to my dad, I have a new stepmom. I don’t ever talk to her. She’ll comment on my stuff. On Instagram Sometimes we talked for a lot. Uh,

When her and my dad first got together, we talked. And I was just telling her like,

How much Dad kind of sucks, you know, like, I don’t know what else to say it’s like yeah well you’re marrying the stupid asshole. So, I mean, But it makes me feel bad to say that. I hate that. I hate feeling that way about, like,

And this is not all me, you know? I actually go out of my way to make sure it isn’t me. I’ll put up with a lot of crap. I take a lot of shit from people, especially like family and people, I really care about

I’ve taken so much crap.

And I just, I don’t know. I don’t know what people think when they give you crap all the time. What that does to a person, you know,

I kept it in a lot. I channeled it into creative, uh, Outlets like music and art, but you can only do that so much and it just builds up and it builds up and it’s like, you know, I’m not this fucking stupid ass. Kid. You know, I’m not this idiot, I don’t know nobody else ever talked to me like my dad did

Ever.

I think I mentioned that in my last post. I was just like, I don’t know. It makes me sad. I wish things were different. I miss going like for like, Christmas and Thanksgiving. And You know. Used to, uh, if somebody had a birthday, Like, if I had a birthday me and like, my family, fucking like, 12 people would all go out to eat at like, Some restaurant, you know, like Santa Fe in Albertville. Or like, um, fucking

Villa Fiesta, or Or some shit or Giovanni’s, you know in Albertville. Like that. That stopped happening about the time. I got divorced. Yeah. Like after we sold the house and moved down to Gadsden. Oh, that’s such a long story.

Uh, it’s just I guess my point is I was laying here and I looked over at that picture in the floor and looked up and there was my mom, you know, the picture of me and my mom. And and I just sometimes really do. It’s like, what happens? You know, like what?

It’s just all that stuff, just kind of unraveled my grandmother after she got really bad and Had to go to a nursing home with Alzheimer’s and my other. Mom’s mom. I called her grandma. Uh, grandmother was my dad’s mom and she sued my daughter’s named after because

I had the best grandmother in the universe. She was my favorite person. And uh, gosh. But after all that, you know, she was the glue. And we stopped just kind of stopped having things. We used to get together once a month. For everybody’s birthday that month. And that happened that went on for a long time and it was really cool to look back on it. It’s like, you know, We’re a family and it was fun. It was good to see everybody. And

I miss that sometimes. I really do.

And it was the same way, you know, my mom’s, you know, my grandma.

Uh, Until she started getting really bad and and then everybody, you know, just kind of fell. Fell away we’d get together for Christmas and Thanksgiving over there.

After. Yeah, I mean, she was the 1 who held it all. So, I mean, you know, you know what, I’m trying to say it’s just, I don’t know, I’m looking back on it and it’s sad and even like, You know, my ex-wife like with her family and stuff and her family was Man, they sure could cook like, her mom and her grandma. And her dad, even her dad made the best. Stuff he had spaghetti, and meatballs and That was always the meal. We’d have it Thanksgiving or we’d have it for Christmas or both. Some years. And that was the meal that I was always really looked forward to for like 18 years. You know, and I just got so used to it. And then all of a sudden it’s like, no, it’s gone.

And I was just thinking about how special all that really was and especially now that I don’t have it or have anything close to it. You know, I take the kids for Thanksgiving, we go to the Persian restaurant, you know?

And Christmas is just whatever.

We ate Mexican food for New Year’s Day and that was a hoot. But that’s like it you know as far as like getting together like I keep in touch with all my cousins and stuff on Facebook and Instagram. But it’s not like I interact with them every day and we don’t see each other. That often like my cousin Shawn, he was a groomsman at my wedding and so was my cousin Andrew and I haven’t seen Andrew

In like almost 9 years. And I haven’t seen Shawn in probably

Well, I saw Shawn in 2024. Yeah, but that was the first time I had seen him in like, 5 years.

Well, no, it wasn’t. I saw Him. Okay, I’ve seen him like 3 times in like the last You know, 8 years 3 or 4 times? Yeah, I’m trying to think because there were like Other times. Haga

I’ve seen my cousin Ben. Oh I saw him twice in 2019 and I haven’t seen him since

I’m just thinking like all my cousins who used to get together or to like You know, once a year or something we would do stuff when I lived in Jacksonville and they all lived down there and

Oh, Jacksonville Alabama, which is not that far from Centre

And uh, yeah, we all we would hang out. I reconnected with all my cousins, when I lived there, the couple of years, I lived there

But yeah, I was just thinking just thinking about that. I don’t have like

It’s just me and the kids, that’s the people. I spend the most time with Like even my friends, you know, I just keep up with them on Facebook and Instagram. You know, I don’t ever hang out with Eric anymore. I don’t know what the hell happened to Peter. I don’t know what got into him. That was

For half a second. I thought I was going to have a a like a cool band, maybe me and him was going to start like something really cool, but then it just No. And there’s not, you know, it’s not like it.

It’s just 1 of those things. I don’t really.

Don’t expect anything out of people like I used to but uh, yeah, it’s just me. Nowadays, like and has been for a while.

Uh, And then the kids and that’s it. That’s like You know. I don’t have I don’t go out and do stuff. I don’t Hang out with people. And I don’t date.

Just kind of like, like exist. But I have been practicing Flamenco, strumming. On guitar. Uh, I don’t know that I’m going to do much of that tonight. But,

I need to find that can opener. I know it’s around here somewhere that way I can open some of these tamales.

I can’t bring myself. I don’t think to go back out.

7:20 PM
But I wish I would have gotten like a Coke. I wish I would have stopped at a gas station and gotten like a Coke and some gas. I have to do it in the morning. But, I have twenty dollars on my cash app. And I have 7 dollars in cash.

And that’s enough for tomorrow since I decided I wouldn’t get to eat taco Tuesday.

I think about it too, if I get like a girlfriend or anything again, and it gets serious.

Or whatever. It’s like, we’re going to be doing stuff like family stuff. If she’s got family stuff.

Uh, you know, on the holidays. And I can’t imagine that happening again. I can’t imagine meeting. Like, You know, some chicks family. And being like, hey, yeah. And then just in the back of my mind, it’s like, you know, every year like Christmas or Thanksgiving that I’m there. I’m going to think, you know, this might actually this might could be the last time I see these people, you know, that’ll always be in the back of my mind because of like that’s just how it goes. Apparently. Haha

It was really funny though like back in the day because my ex-wife and I were like, uh, At least, we seemed on the outside, which I thought we were too on the inside. Uh, like Like the Exemplary couple of like a model of what real love in a great relationship was supposed to be

And uh, after we split up 1 of her cousins who had been trying to get me to, uh, She was a um, she was

Uh, her and her wife. Yeah, were trying to get me. They had been talking trying to get me to uh, father a kid, you know, for them. What’s funny is my ex-wife totally like shot that down pretty fast. But after we divorced Uh they started messaging me and her cousin was like you know becauase we were talking about it and she was like, you know, like It’s so weird that y’all split up because it’s like, if you all aren’t safe, then no couple is safe. I know it’s like, yeah. So weird and it’s just, I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about that so much. The last, I guess this month.

It does, though, it does make me sad. And I remember when I would pick the kids up from daycare and the people from daycare would be like, you know, you and your wife

You know, y’all are like 2 of the only, you know, like your kids. Are some of the only kids left who still have both their parents together, you know, it’s like yeah, well that’s just the way it ought to be and not thinking, you know, 4 or 5 years down the road, it wasn’t going to be that way. It was going to. We were just going to be like everybody else, you know, it’s sad, you know.

I think people get

Selfish. And Forget. They don’t communicate. All kinds of things can go wrong

I mean, it happens, you know, people grow apart and want different things and all that stuff. But it’s always to me, it’s just really sad. When a family thing happens to like splits it up like divorce,

You know, it’s ideally, I mean,

I guess that’s just the way it goes, but

Maybe I’m just being too much of a romanticist about it. But I, I really

Not really sure how to put it. It’s like That’s the best though, like having a family being married and having a family and all that stuff. That’s like that’s the best that life ever gets. It is.

At least it was for me.

I don’t know.

I think that’s why I’ve had such a really hard time adjusting, I haven’t adjusted. To, you know, the after the post divorce fucking thing. But what’s so crazy is if I never if that if That like never would have happened like the whole marriage and all that. There’s no telling what my life would’ve been like.

Could I have had a real music career? What if I had just went off. Into the, you know, world and found some crazy place to live and I have no idea what would have happened if I hadn’t met my ex-wife. Or rather had not like, Stayed with her for 18 years. You know, gotten married and had Kids and Dogs and stuff.

Like, what would, what would I be doing now? Would I even still be alive? I have no idea.

No idea what I would have done.

Because I would have done like, I wouldn’t have done anything normal.

And since the Divorce my life really has been anything. But, you know, it’s like Stable. But it’s not normal by any means. It’s just I don’t know.

I have a lot of really happy memories of like family things and all It was really weird when my parents divorced, they had been together for 20, something years.

Uh, 23 years or something and you know, my dad just turned around and remarried and I thought that was weird as hell. But that’s what my ex-wife did too.

It’s just

I don’t know.

Human beings.

It’s a, it’s a complicated thing. I guess you know when you get like cross all that stuff up like families and you have step You know relatives, that’s what I had. Uh, a lot of with my dad because my stepmom ex stepmom. Now, she had a pretty big family It was about as big as. It’s about halfway. It was a little bit bigger than my dad’s but not as big as my mom’s. Yeah.

And I was like, oh wow, step cousins and step, you know like

Step, aunts and uncles I guess.

It was weird though because it’s like, I wasn’t related to any of these people. And,

Oh, I didn’t have anything in common with any of them. They were just my stepmom’s family. But they were, you know, most of them were pretty good folks. Her mom was really cool. And she had, like, That’s so that’s what’s so crazy too is. Um, my ex stepmom Her dad. Had 2 wives. Like they didn’t know about each other. He had 2 separate families. I think he was a truck driver. And he was going all the time. So he somehow like,

Had he had 2 wives and 2, totally different families. They didn’t know that. Um, the other either 1 existed until like way later on. And I’m not sure on how that came out either like How they found out about each other? I don’t know the whole story behind that but I just remember everybody being like Oh yeah, like you know,

So that that was pretty that’s pretty weird? Yeah.

I mean, it’s not uncommon but well I guess.

Not unheard of. Yeah, I don’t think it was that

Common. It’s like it wasn’t uncommon. It was though it but it wasn’t unheard of. Yeah, that’s This is turning into a really long post.

I was just thinking about family stuff, but I don’t know how to describe a lot of the

Like a lot of the things.

But that was some of the best times I ever had was, uh, hanging out with my cousins and my Aunts and uncles and you know, I just had this big sense of like, you know, I I fit in somewhere, you know, that was

So,

Everybody loved each other, and

Pretty big family, but it just it doesn’t. It’s not like I don’t know, it’s just crazy to see how it all changes and then, you know, like my aunts and uncles and stuff, you know, their kids, my cousins, they had kids. And a lot of them had kids. Like I have cousins that are grandparents. I have. I think, yeah, 1 cousin. That’s a great grandparent.

Yep.

And she’s like, 60 something.

Gosh, though. That’s so crazy. How much like,

And 1 of my cousins. My cousin Shawn. Yeah. Like he’s the whole reason I got into music and stuff and he just turned 50 like at the beginning of this month, And that’s just a really crazy thing is watching, like your Your cousins and like your close relatives and stuff.

Everybody like, like,

Getting older and all the crazy stuff that happens in life. And then, you know, you watch your Parents get old and die and your aunts and uncles, you know, that they just seemed like they were just such big people, you know, when you were a kid and

It’s just crazy. How all that changes.

But I do, I miss it. I’m just like, you know, having to go somewhere for Christmas and all my relatives will be there and then they have Have like food stuff made and presents.

You know, everybody genuinely.

Gives a shit about each other.

You have fun.

And you get to like, yeah, what have you been up to and talk about all this stuff?

Wow. And watch TV and play with Legos hahaha. I don’t know. I wonder if I’ll ever have, I guess that’s kind of the thing is, like, will I ever have that again? You know, I don’t know. Maybe if my daughter or my son gets married, They have like stuff like that. Going on. Maybe I’ll have it that way. I don’t know. I just can’t imagine meeting somebody again and And having like,

Family stuff. Like I used to on the holidays. Like I just don’t see that happening.

But it wasn’t just seemed like

It was a really magical special thing. Yep.

I don’t know, I’m going to, I’m going to edit this a lot, I think. I’m going to put it in, put it in the editor and Uh, I might not even post it but I probably will. Yay.

I don’t know what else to say. I feel like I have a lot more. I want to say but I guess I don’t.

Thank you, please.