10:20 PM
Oh my goodness. Yeah, I just got home. What a crazy fucking day.
Or afternoon, really? Yeah. And it’s like 1 of those things. That’s
Something I should have taken care of already but I didn’t. Um, And then my ex-wife had to Save me again from my own stupidity. Well, what happened, right?
A couple of weeks ago, I took some time off of work, I was going to get 2 new tires, right? And uh, I didn’t because the weather was really like cold and icy. I think it got, it was like, 1 of those
Was my last paycheck, let’s see. It was, um, I’m trying to figure out what day it was January, the
15th 14th and 15th. Uh,
Anyways, it was It was just me being retarded because it had everything was like it was just cold. And uh,
Anyway. Yeah, I didn’t. Uh and the back tire was a lot worse than I could have imagined, like, I kept a check on them, you know, I looked at them. I was like, well, they look okay. Well, the back tire. It was, it was as bad as a tire could get like the fucking. There’s no telling how long it had been like the Treads were, not just worn off of it, but the fucking like shit underneath, that’s not made of, you know, it’s like the
Stuff under the rubber of the tire. Haha Yeah. It was like, it was so bad. I’m so stupid and it blew out. And so, uh, like on the middle of the interstates in between the Fort Payne and the Valley head exit Yeah. And so my ex-wife I call her up and I’m like, hey I’m really sorry my tire blew out and I got the kids with me. We were going to go to Chattanooga and have a big crazy adventure and there was this really cool place. We were going to go eat at
And all this stuff and Uh, So she comes, you know, and helps me out, I mean, she saves my ass again. Takes me to the Walmart in Fort Payne. Luckily they have the tires in stock. Nobody carries 14 inch tires, anymore hardly. I’ve actually went to a few places around here to get new tires and they’re like, no, we don’t have them like Mavis. And Pep Boys and shit. They don’t carry. 14 inch tires. Walmart, and this other place. I used to get tires from Economy Tire.
Up in Albertville. Yeah. Where I’m from that’s that’s where I was going to take my car. Uh I guess it was the 15th. I took I’d taken off work. To do that and I just didn’t because I thought it would be okay.
So, that’s what I get it for being stupid and, uh, So I spend it’s about $170. I got 2 tires, I got my uh, spare tire fixed too. That’s a story that I talked about back in August where I ran over a curb. And it blew out. And the spare tire is actually on the car but uh, The tire that blew out. I guess I got it. I mean, it’s a normal Tire. The Spare is a normal size tire. Yeah, it’s a regular tire anyways, uh, but she made me give her $120. Also because that was she was door. Dashing this afternoon, I fucked up her door Dash money. So Uh,
I’m broke now. Yeah. And then of course, the kids wanted to go to Cracker Barrel and I wanted to I miss them all the fucking time. You know, I miss my kids so much. I spent 80 dollars at the Cracker Barrel, okay? I have.
I think I’m gonna have $40 or something.
Left in my overdraft and then I’ve got 91 dollars, I can get back on my afterpay and then, fuck. I think next weekend, I can get 120 on my chime and that’s all the money I have in the world till I get paid again and I have a lot of money. Yeah, I did. I had uh, I just paid rent and everything. I was happy. I had about $400. That I was going to be able to go spend with the kids up in Chattanooga, but I should have got those new tires. And my storage unit payment is supposed to come out and it’s not going to do it because I don’t have the money in there. It comes out on the first automatically, I always pay my bills with the check. Closest whichever is either before or after. Uh, the beginning of the month, sometimes, you know, getting paid every 2 weeks, sometimes it falls. Um, at the beginning and sometimes at the very end But whichever paycheck I get around the beginning of the month. That’s what I pay all my bills with Sometimes I get 3 paychecks. I think 2 times a year. I get 3 paychecks in a month.
Um,
December. And July of last year was those 2 months? It’s like wow, an extra paycheck. Yeah but it’s just
I have a problem and it’s not like just it’s it’s why I’m bad with money, it’s not that I’m bad with money.
All In 1, a lot of other things. I said, why? Yeah, it’s like, I’m just not all here. I’m not all there in the head. I’m fucking crazy. And if it wasn’t for my kids it wasn’t that bad when I was younger. And, and, of course, I’m a lot worse off because of everything I’ve been through with, like just and it’s stupid. It’s all because of women. It started with my ex-wife and the way our marriage ended and Oh, it’s so much to talk about it and I’m not going to because she’s awesome as hell to me now. You know she is. I’m afraid she Thinks I’m just the most retarded person in the fucking world and God knows what all like she really thinks and says about me to people And, Uh, not realizing that most of the way I am now is because of her.
You know, it sucks. It really does. And you know, I just don’t
I just don’t know, I just didn’t think I’d live this long either, it’s like, I lived my life, I did it. And now I’m just kind of waiting to die like in, you know, sometimes it feels really bad and sometimes I feel okay about it but it’s like I’m just bleeding out, you know?
And uh, I know back in October when she helped me out when I was being a drunk piece of shit. Uh, driving home from getting lottery tickets. It’s like,
You know, I cried my eyeballs out about her for probably shit. 3 or 4 days, straight after that. It didn’t happen this time, but it made me sad. Just now, I’m just kind of sad thinking about it because she really is a great person. But, you know, she was also. She had a lot of problems. That I didn’t realize were going to be as bad as they were until they were and it was way too late, I guess. I mean, it ended up. That’s what it amounted to And uh,
I mean, she’s been sober for like
Almost 8 years now and we were talking about that actually cuz I told her that, uh, you know, I drank the other night but I hadn’t drank since She, um, You know.
Yeah, bailed me out of that, pickle. I got myself into until Thursday night, and then it made me feel like fucking like I was so sick yesterday. I’m not supposed to drink any more ever forever.
And she was like, yeah, I don’t ever want to drink anymore either but God every day I want a cigarette and I’m like, yeah, me too. I was smoking a pack a day before I quit, but I haven’t smoked, It’s been 2 months since I quit smoking and I feel a lot better. Like it’s crazy how much better my voice has gotten since I quit smoking and like my singing voice.
I don’t know, I guess I’m trying to talk myself out of like this. Insane depression. I’ve found myself in on the way home from the storage unit. It’s just so cold and they didn’t have the heat on it’s a climate controlled fucking building and they don’t have the heat on. It’s like 20° and it just I had enough of it. I had my propane space heater in there. But it just, it wasn’t enough and I don’t really have.
I need to take my chair or get a chair or something that I can play, sit down and play in because I use a bench and to comfortably to be able to handle the guitar and stuff in a way that’s like
Well, I can actually play it I’m a little cramped up. Uh I have to sit on the edge of it but I have to hold myself up because it’s slanted downwards like back. Uh, so if you, if you it’s really comfy, if you just sit in it, like, you’re supposed to, but you can’t really play guitar while you’re doing that. And so it’s like a, you know, a lazy reclining, type, little Outdoors wicker, bench, Yeah, and
It’s not. Really that good for playing guitar on. Because I have to hold myself up and it uh it puts a lot of like strain I don’t know, muscles in my back that I don’t normally use and I was really, really sore. The last time, it just sucks. It’s not after about an hour or 2. It’s really hard to keep that posture. Yeah. It’s um, not ergonomic. Haha I guess. This is a way to put that, but God damn it. Oh man. I feel better now talking about stuff, but like I was just thinking about killing my fucking soul.
Myself. Yeah, I don’t know about killing my whole soul though. I didn’t say that.
And then it’s like, you know, what is it like what is it going to happen? Because I know I’ve had past lives and stuff, but like I don’t know that I get another 1 after this.
And I don’t ever think about that kind of shit anymore. I just see this word thrown around so much but it’s like survival mode. I was in that for a really long time and it’s like
I really lost my sense of self like self worth and value. I just I still feel like fucking garbage and you know
It’s really crazy. That
Someone you love can affect you. Like, as much as my ex-wife affected me. I mean, it was like, and it wasn’t just the last 2 years we were married, it was the whole 18 years. I had, uh, I had to change. A lot. I was so accommodating to her that I changed like Gosh, I found myself so much of the time just compromising and stuff. I knew was crazy bullshit just for her, you know, and
It was really remarkable and I just wonder like what her take on all that is like you know what does she really think like, who did she really think? I was, you know,
I mean, what does like what did she really think about me? Because
I don’t Know that she really loved me. Like, not really.
She just wanted kids out of me, you know? And, uh,
It’s really hard to like,
It’s, it’s 1 of those. Things that it’s like, well, you know, it is what it is. But it’s like
10:36 PM
18 years, and I just let her have everything, you know, I didn’t really.
I put everything I was into our relationship like my soul and you know, my heart and soul, right? But like all of it every Atom of my fucking existence, you know? Went into our marriage and I wasn’t perfect. Gosh, but like If she loved me half as much as I loved her we would still be married. Yeah, we would and I don’t know what else to say about that, but at the same time it’s like we were so fundamentally incompatible. And I think there was a lot of stuff that she didn’t realize until after the divorce either. Um, 1 thing though is that she takes care of herself now and she looks amazing. And she is a really beautiful. Awesome badass, fucking chick. Like my ex-wife. I mean it wasn’t just some stupid crap why I fell in love with her and stayed like in You know, invested everything I am into that, you know,
I felt like she was worth.
Doing that for but I just don’t think she felt the same way about me. I don’t know what happened where or you know she didn’t communicate And it’s just like, dang, you know?
And what’s so funny is. I’ve read a lot of stuff and watched like stuff where people talk about this is a common thing that happens, you know, people get together and uh, like at a early age and then, you know, by the time they’re in their mid-30s, it all falls apart, and it’s always like, a lot of times the woman will uh, just not communicate and not fucking anything and she’s just ready for something else. And she gets it.
I just I just hope she’s happy.
Like that’s all I ever wanted for her. Ultimately I just don’t know why it had to destroy me completely like almost I mean, I think I had like just a little tiny Speck of me left.
Yeah and then you know, I was starting to grow that back out my ex fiance came along and fucking destroyed it like back to another little speck. And, you know that finally, all that happened over and over a few times. And uh, the last time that happened was from Brittany and I don’t even know what that was. I’ve talked about twin flames and all this shit but like, You know, what even is any of that? Like what does any of this crap? Fucking mean, you know, like we’re just on this planet. Nobody knows where we’re at or how we got here. And people, they say all the stuff but it’s like relative to what You know. And sometimes it just hits me. How just like, what the fuck. And like,
Things like culture and like there’s, you know, there’s the mainstream like pop culture like the fucking, what’s common to pretty much everybody in at least in America and You know, American culture and then there’s a global, you know, everything, every country has their own little thing, but America is like just this huge Melting Pot. And it’s so much variance though. Like
Where do I start? But it’s like, you know, you just, you just zoom in and zoom in and it’s like, well, it’s this and this, and this, and this is around that, and then you zoom out and you see it. It’s like
What the hell what? Yeah and there’s you know, there’s more like other stuff than this but right now it’s like that’s I’m just I’m so immersed. In it that it’s like,
When I’m by myself. That’s 1 reason why I go so overboard with my kids when I finally get to see them because it’s like I just, I got I was the parent who did stuff like my ex-wife, you know, I mean, she does everything now but like When we were married, she didn’t. I was the 1 who did all the stuff with the kids, I would take them out. I mean she did stuff too but I was the one who got up in the middle of the night, I changed way more diapers than she ever did. And she would sleep in on the weekends and I would get up early with the kids and, you know, I would work a 50 or 60 hour week or more 70 or 80 hours sometimes And like she didn’t do that. She didn’t have any idea what I dealt with either and it was just like it was so 1-sided. I was having to like oh my God. I just I had enough. You know, and between her and my dad and dealing with her like out of control alcoholic Rampages. And she didn’t care, you know.
And the Only reason, I let her have everything and just let everything like because if she would have lost she could have and that’s a long story too. But if she would have lost everything, like I did, and it totally could have went that direction. She would have drowned. And she didn’t deserve that. You know. I mean, I’m just I’m not, I can’t go off talking about this because I don’t really Because she’s You know, it’s different now but
I just a lot of times feel like it’s too late for me, you know, now. That’s what I was. I was I got home and I pulled my boggin off and I was looking at my hair and I used to have the longest thickest fucking hair. And it was, it wasn’t that long ago. You know, it was like, the last 2 years. We were married it just thinned out a lot and it just makes me want to blow my brains out. And uh, it doesn’t look bad though. When I like brush it and stuff, but it’s pretty fucking like I just want to shave my fucking head and uh, I’m not getting any younger either, you know. And what’s so funny about that is like, You know, all those chicks from work that are like half my age and I think most of them now, finally, realized or something or like, you know, I don’t know. But it’s just I avoid everybody and hide from everything and, uh, that also makes me want to kill myself. I am so fucking messed up.
I’m right there on my Social Media stuff, you know, some like I don’t, I don’t know what they really think, either and part of me doesn’t care but it’s like You know, I don’t have to be single. I just don’t know how to
I can’t just
Be with anybody either, and I’m just afraid that it, you know, I don’t have anything in common with it’s so Over complicated in my brain though and
I guess that’s my point too because like you know, when I get the kids and all this stuff but like
That snaps me back to reality for a second but then I take them home and then I’m back to being by myself and it’s like where the hell am I? Oh like what the fuck even is. Planet Earth and human beings and life and all this stuff, you know, like I’ve got
This and I’m using the language that I learned while I was, while I’ve been living in it to describe all this crap, which does a pretty decent job. Yeah.
Which is another reason I was always fascinated with languages cuz, you know, it’s like a totally different way to interpret reality and this is just English, you know it? I mean, it’s pretty effective. Uh, English has Taken on so many like different.
Words and things from other places that, you know, it’s it’s probably all around the most uh,
Is it though? I don’t know. French is pretty fucking awesome. So is Russian and Japanese. I mean all of them though are pretty great but English, I guess is like I guess because so much of the uh, I mean American culture is so like Ubiquitous.
And English is the language of it. But at the same time, though it, you know, it has taken enough stuff in Um, that it’s
It does the job. Yeah, pretty well, you know, as far as being able to describe ideas and things and what the fuck And it is it’s really neat though. I mean, you look at the planet and the stuff in it and the water and the sky, and the clouds and the weather, and it goes around and around the Sun and you have night and day and it tilts a little bit. So you get seasons and I mean, shit, you have feelings and emotions, you can love things and be passionate about stuff and then you can, you know, hate things too, with equal intensity and you can fucking, you know,
There’s a lot of stuff really it’s just wow what a thing to exist. You know, this whole reality. And I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, you know?
Bottled water. And, uh, My roommate, the boss lady roommate. She has this intricate filtration system under the sink. I want to say it’s getting about time to change the filters again but uh oh the water tastes so good though. Like out of that filtered, you know thing. And I was just thinking how I’ll buy like a big bottle of water, uh, like smart water or something, cuz it’s big, but it’s like 5 dollars almost and then, I’ll refill it, you know,
20 or 30 times before I buy another 1.
They got the refiller things at work too, and I think they finally changed the filter close to the The line that I’m on, uh, on the refiller thing. Because the water finally tastes like decent. Again, it it was awful tasting for a while, but I think also and this is what’s so funny is uh, where I work has its own wastewater treatment facility. It recycles the water. Yeah, so it’s like I don’t know if something was fucked up with that but it was only on our line like the water in the other like the restroom and coming into the plant. Uh, the water tastes great there and it tastes great going down there to the other side of the plant.
Oh, Going out towards the. Uh, big cafeteria. I know I have to be like vague because I don’t I guess I just don’t The prof, the professional, you know, person in me Haha, I don’t know. Uh, like I just don’t talk about work specifics because It’s like I just you don’t want to cross the line of like proprietary, you know, stuff it’s like yeah this over here and that over there and that and the other side and the big cafeteria and the crappy cafeteria and You know, if if you worked there though, you know what I was talking about. But isn’t that? That’s remarkable too, because it’s like I make cars. Well, I help make cars, I put things in cars and uh People drive cars. And before that they rode animals or something or walked or rode into things that were
Pulled by animals.
Technology is really funny and to see how that evolved through the years. You know. The word invention itself though comes from, uh, Latin,
Uh, invenire, which means to discover. It’s like you didn’t just come up with it, you discovered it.
10:49 PM
I just discovered how this works, you know, because it was always there. You just uncovered it.
And I guess that’s um, lifting up all the veils You have to go work through like things to make that happen.
But it is, this is like a really like You know, talking about, uh, in my last post going and seeing Star Wars when I was a kid, like, 3. I was 3 years old. I don’t even know if I was 3 years old yet. And I have vivid like Crazy memories from when I was a year year and a half old You know.
You’re not, you know, apparently not supposed to be able to remember that far back, but I remember being born and it hurt and I don’t know how anybody could fucking forget that.
You know, it’s like
Man. Oh my God.
Like, it’s like like sensory like Oh my goodness. It’s what a oh my it’s like just you’re just
Ripped out of this fucking thing. I don’t know. I was pretty early in development stuff, though. I could talk and walk. By the time I was a year old pretty well.
I remember, being like, 2 years old, wearing these gray sweat shorts and running home from my grandmother’s house and shitting my pants. I had rubber pants on. Yeah. And I had those gray shorts over them, and I just shit all in it and it like flirpted out the back of the rubber pants. And I pulled them off. And carried them with me and screaming and crying mom, telling my mom that, you know, I was like Mama, dude, dude. I do dude, myself, you know? Hahaha
And that’s just the funniest. Dumbest shit ever, my grandmother didn’t live that far away, you know. Uh, it seemed like it was far when I was 2, but You know your perspective changes as you grow up and just the the whole Act of like, you know, being born and growing up and then you get old and then you You know, wither and die it is Sad. Huh?
Yeah, that’s really sad.
And seeing people who are like, at 1 time, they were like these fucking
How like beautiful and strong, you know, people are when they’re younger and then they just fucking just dry up and
And Die.
And it and it happens, like it doesn’t happen all at once, it just drags out and some people age at different rates, you know, like I look, I still look like I, when I shave my beard because I have some gray in it now. But like Fucking if I shave, I look 30 years old. And um, not a lot of people. My age can say that, I don’t, I don’t know. But um,
I still have like this bright. Happy. Look in my eyes. A lot of the times. I don’t know how though I don’t
Cuz sometimes I just want to blow out my fucking brains. Like I just want to, live on Facebook because I want other people to see it. I want to say hey look here, here you go, everybody, you know, and that might sound like an asshole thing to do but sometimes the shit I deal with is so intense. It’s like this is part of the collective Human Experience, too. Like we can hear it sucks. This is this is what life has done. I mean, I’m not the only person, you know, And then sometimes I’m just like this is such a magical special fucking thing and it is ultimately You know and it’s not as bad as it used to be like 2 years ago when I was going to drown myself in the ocean, I just thought it was over you know, my life got ruined once again by a mean crazy woman and my ex-wife was just like you know you can’t keep the kids, you’re too crazy and that lasted for about a year. And that’s the worst I’ve ever felt about myself. The most pointless I ever felt. Like, even the last 2 years. I was married. And then, you know, The fucking 6 months or so after my ex fiance dumped me, And uh,
Shit. Like that’s the worst I ever felt. Was 2024 and I had a really bad episode, like I guess it was about this time last year. I got so insanely depressed.
It was a lot of factors involved in that a lot of it. I was so behind on my car payment and where I worked at Target, they had cut our hours back. And I wasn’t making shit for money and my car got repossessed. My mom died, you know. And when I Found out how my mom died that like she starved herself to death. And she did it. Like consciously, my sister had plenty of food. They did. They had to do an investigation and like she had, you know, like I did everything I could for my mom too. You just couldn’t.
I’ll never like get over how just I wish my mom was still alive. Like, I don’t know what I could have done differently. I can’t blame anybody. You know? I want to blame myself. But I did a lot for my mom and, you know, my sister that’s kind of the thing though. I was always there with my mom and my sister wasn’t. Like, she didn’t, you know, and A big reason and this sucks is that my sister is was scared of my mom like real bad, my mom was really scary sometimes, but
She was scary, a lot of the times to my sister. And my nieces and my daughter. And it breaks my fucking heart that
Gosh, I don’t even want to talk about that anymore, but
I just wish she was still alive. I don’t understand why that. Had to happen. Because my mom was not a bad person and she didn’t deserve that.
My mom deserved to be happy. You know.
And I miss her so much.
I really do. Like I wish I could tell her that, you know, I finally got to go back to where I work. Now, to the first car factory. And how I wish I never would have left, and I Blame myself a lot of times you know, because I made some really bad decisions. You know. At least, it seems like it.
I don’t know, I feel better talking about this stuff but it’s like, gosh.
But my ex-wife and I, we were, we were like and not incompatible as in like our, uh, ideals and our tastes and music and stuff, we actually had a lot in common. We were energetically very incompatible
Because 1 thing that I know I did, Was get on her nerves. All the fucking time. I’m a big loud, intense. Like just super mercurial.
Um, sensitive like just a fucking retarded ass artist and she’s Not, you know, she’s a sensible, you know, for the most part.
Oh,
Practical. Like,
Um, she plans things, you know, she’s like smart about practical matters like stability and
She gets really, really stressed out. When things are out of order, and I’m a slob and That drove, her crazy and uh, I chew when I eat Too loud. And that drove her crazy like And she hates French. Haha Oh gosh
I just think she grew to hate my guts. And I got on her nerves, so bad. And I think the fact that I loved her so much, and how stupid I was about it, I think that got on her nerves even more honestly. Yeah. And uh, I don’t know. Uh, 1 time. Her sister and me.
Her sister. And I were talking about it, I know like, right cuz grammatically correct cuz she’s an English teacher. My ex-wife is an English teacher, and I have to like, I have to use.
More proper English. Uh, it’s how my brain works now because that got on her nerves. And I was I was so stupid. You know, but I think there was just a lot of stuff about me that Got on her nerves. Really, really bad like And my friends and what’s so funny is like I totally understand. Like how a lot of stuff about me.
Got on her nerves as bad as it did. And I think she did, she just was like, I’m going to have kids with this annoying, stupid motherfucker, and that’s it. You know? And maybe she thought she was doing me a favor or something, by divorcing me. I have no idea.
But I loved her more than life itself.
I loved her more than anything and I’ll never be able to say that about another woman in this lifetime.
And that’s another reason too, it’s just like I mean, well, I’ve been single for so long.
Because hey, I’ve never been with a woman who didn’t get insanely jealous and possessive.
Um, You know, post divorce anyways
As in like, I can’t just get with some chick and be like, yeah, we’re we’re just casually, you know?
Seeing each other, it can’t be. Like that, that can’t happen. They get They’ve never not gotten.
Attached to me and me to them, you know, it’s just the way it is like
And,
I just haven’t, I don’t think I’ve I just
I just can’t get hurt again like even like what happened with that Tiffany chick. Um, and I think I’ve told that story a couple times in this blog, I know I have in the other 1, um but even like what that happened with that, like I can’t handle that again. Like, and that wasn’t anything. She just lied to me about having a boyfriend and was completely full of shit and led me on a whole bunch. I don’t know what the hell. She thought she was doing, but She broke my fucking heart, and She used to work where I work now and her husband works there her husband. Now he’s her husband and um, like
I’ve seen him a couple of times and it’s like, I don’t know if he knows who I am or if she’s like, if any of the anything like that, I don’t know if she’s told him. Why would she? You know, like, hey, there’s you know, I have no idea. Like, I don’t think he does, I think. It’s just, you know, I’m this weird guy who like stands out
I saw him when I was in the maintenance, uh, orientation. I wish I’m not eligible for that until next year, but he walked in. He was the last person to walk into the orientation. And I looked at him, and he didn’t even like, you know, acknowledge me when he first walked in, and I looked over at him like Uh, Some point. Towards the end of it and he looked at me but it was more like, you know, like what are you looking at me for or like, not like he knew who I was or anything. So I have no idea, you know, she probably There’s no telling I know that. She was on workman’s comp for like a year and a half and she’s probably on disability now which is, you know, don’t get me started, right? Yeah.
And then that set the stage for what happened with Brittany. And if I hadn’t have been, if she hadn’t have hurt me as bad, if if Tiffany hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have ran from Brittany. Like I did
11:05 PM
And that is, Why, you know, and that was just, but that was, you know,
Over 3 years ago and, uh,
It’s just crazy to think about, and
Shit. I don’t know. I kind of lost. My point, I’m kind of trailing off into bullshit now. But um now I’ve got to scroll up. Hold on.
11:06 PM
Okay, yeah. Oh yeah. Okay, other Time stamp. Another time stamp. Yeah, I don’t know.
I was talking about how, um,
It’s crazy. How love is always just been bullshit for me and then you know it but like the times it has right? It was so bad that I’m like I’m too fucking fucked up. And it’s like, it’s so. Ridiculous that it’s like, it’s
It’s just hard for me to really be interested in anybody right now. Yeah, like not for real. And there are and I made a post about that last week, there are just the cutest. Sweetest ladies where I work and I love all of them. So very much. Like every time I see 1 of them, I’m just like oh she’s you know she exists. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And uh,
I said, yay. And it. It said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don’t know.
And I just said, yeah. 3 times. And It put 4 times up there but whatever, um,
I do miss my kids more than I wish. I had a girlfriend though, but I really wish I had a girlfriend.
But then it’s like, well, do you? Because she’s going to get possessive and jealous and you’re going to play a song and she’s going to be like what is that, what’s that song about? Who’s that about? And then you have to tell her and then she’s going to get mad and hate you and hate that song and not. Let me play that song. And uh,
You know, if I go out and perform and it happens that, you know, I get stared at and You know, um, even when I was dating that chick from up here, uh, 7 years ago,
Jesus Christ. It was that long ago, um, like I would get stared at by chicks all the time when I was with her, they would just look at me like dang. And uh,
She noticed that, you know and she didn’t like it.
And I don’t really know why? I know why that didn’t work out, but it’s like that was a kind of a complicated stupid relationship. I don’t know. I don’t even want to talk about that. I’m just thinking, like, Of all the like,
I guess. I’m really not where I want to be right now. Where I feel like it would be a good idea to bring anybody in, because at this point right now, they would, they could easily alter the course of my life being in a relationship. Would um, Like, I mean that’s why like I mean,
I have to be mindful of the fact that I’m also really stupid. And a woman, can totally just fuck up my brains and make me do whatever she wants me to do. Especially in the context of a relationship and I don’t know that that would be in my best long-term interest. It would be in her best interest. You know, but like to what ends, right?
And I just don’t feel like putting my fate in the hands of a lady right now and that’s exactly what it would be. That’s how it was with my ex-wife.
And, uh, that’s how it was. That’s how it’s been with all of Them. Um,
It just
I don’t know, I mean if it gets serious enough that’s how it goes and there’s nothing I can do about it cuz that’s just how it is, you know.
And I don’t know if I can’t say that I’ve met or haven’t met the right 1 yet, because I don’t know, because I don’t talk to anybody, even if I’ve met them. Like, I have no idea and, um, So, I mean, who knows how much like, who knows? I might be single for another 5 years. I might not be single, you know, I’ve I don’t know what. I’m, what am I trying to say? It’s like
I guess I’m just trying to say a lot.
But, I’m just blabbering. I’m just like, there’s all the crap that’s turning around in my brain, but it makes me feel better to get it out.
It really does. And I think, I need to just focus on my music. When I’m not where I can do stuff with the kids, which
I think next week next weekend, if I have any extra money, I’m going to get the kids uh, for like just something because my son’s last basketball game is next Saturday night. Yep.
Oh it’s horrible. I had like so much money. I was like, actually like yeah I have all this money and And now I don’t.
I spent.
About $400. Yeah.
Uh, on tires and Paying my ex-wife for her door Dash recovery fees. And I mean just because that’s what she was doing.
And the Cracker Barrel. And it’s funny though, because my kids had to get these toys from the thing. And I didn’t think about how much those toys probably cost and they got them up there and my son got this flint, lock Nerf gun. And my daughter got this little box of some critter.
And that was about 50 bucks. So, you know,
I was about 45. Yeah.
Which was almost as much as the meal, but it was pretty good. I couldn’t eat it all, but I ate the rest of it on the way home from my storage unit.
I can also also remember remembered. Well, I haven’t eaten at the Cracker Barrel in about 2 years. And that’s only because my house remodeling boss wanted to eat there 1 day. Yeah.
Oh my gosh, This has turned into a A really long post but yeah, I think you know I mean, sometimes I do want to just Fucking kill myself.
Not because it would be easier or anything. It’s just like What the fuck am I going to do? You know, but then it’s like, hey yeah, a lot of stuff. Like what are you going to? What am I even going to get to do? You know, for the rest of my life? It’s like, well, you stupid son of a bitch. Fucking. Lots of things. Just Stop. Stop being so negative. Yeah. Like you know, and I was playing guitar earlier and I worked out the music for this Japanese song. That I made up. I got a I got to put more words to it. But I suck at Japanese. It’s not like Spanish, Spanish is easy.
Well for me? Yeah. Um, Japanese is
I have forgotten a lot.
It’s kind of hard though to forget Spanish. I mean you know it’s a fact that the Spanish is actually 1 of the easiest languages to learn for English speakers and Japanese is 1 of the hardest.
Shit. Is that my laptop? And that’s another thing.
I forgot my laptop this morning when I left
And uh,
Or I would probably still be in my storage unit.
Well, why do I need my laptop yes for recording? And uh,
The interface is what I use to play through. Like that’s what goes through the amplifier. Uh, so I have the channels, like the vocals and the guitar. Otherwise, I can’t do both at the same time, with just the speaker. It has only 1 input.
Of course, I could get like, a little mixer, but then I thought, well, you know, I could get a fucking real, like, PA system or something.
Wouldn’t that be a little better?
They’ve come a long way with speakers. Like they used to be really heavy and now you can get speakers that aren’t as heavy that practically put out the same.
Amount of,
Shit. So, you know, it’s all
Technology is made things a lot better.
And the world, you know?
I don’t like how polarized American politics are right now.
I don’t, I think there’s too big of a gap. I think it’s stupid. I think the whole thing is stupid. I think people forget That we’re all people and that, uh,
We need to treat each other like that, you know, it doesn’t matter. As long as they’re not, you’re not a fucking
Bastard piece of shit, like it doesn’t matter what
A lot of stuff doesn’t matter but people make it matter and then um, You know.
It’s just so dumb. It’s so divisive. It’s like it doesn’t have to be But it’s almost like people want it to be, you know? It’s like they’re naturally, like, hardwired for this whole US versus them mentality, but it’s really like, you’re just us versus us. You know, that’s stupid.
And on the extreme ends of the polarization, you know, crap, it’s like It’s like they don’t see that. It’s they’re making it worse like going to that far off in either direction.
And uh, I don’t know why. Yeah, I don’t, I don’t know what. The future holds. I know it’s 2026 and that used to like back in the day, you know, when I was like in the 80s or 90s when I was younger,
Uh or something, it’s like, wow, trying to imagine 2026 like what? That would be like, you know, the future and all this shit but it it’s here now, you know, and it’s like, well,
It’s not that different. It’s not that different at all, you know? The last 20-30 years
Basically, it’s not. I mean.
Life got really different, really fast, and different and kept getting different like in the 20th century. And it’s kind of like leveled off at least as far as like your basic needs go. Um, you know, food’s pretty accessible uh, Lots of stuff. You know, it was it’s a lot easier. Than it used to be.
Oh, there’s so much To talk about, I can talk about. But now I’m getting tired and
I guess I figured a lot of stuff would be resolved like social issues would be resolved by 2026.
And like the reasons that, you know,
That wars are still happening in parts of the world, You know, it’s like, wow. Like why are y’all? You know, it was like stop. Stop fucking like. Like, work it out and stop killing each other or stop being assholes.
Why can’t people just stop being assholes? It Sucks. There’s better things to do?
It’s almost like, you know, what’s a what’s a big common goal though that that everybody could work towards? You know, you could think like, Like, Because you know I say it’s easier and all this stuff like food is more accessible in America and stuff the first world and everything there’s still places. You know that it’s not and that could be fixed if people would be like, hey, let’s fix that. And then, You know.
Work on, fix it like all that stuff. And then, You know, Space exploration would it would be would be cool, right?
And then I’m, I talked about like, you know what? All the, how screwed up, you know, a lot of stuff is, but then, it’s not, there’s a lot of stuff that isn’t and there’s a lot of stuff that’s great.
And,
I’m running out of steam. Yeah, as far as like continuing to make this post I’m starting to like get distracted. I’m looking at my room. Look around the room at the walls and it’s like you know, everything’s
11:23 PM
Pretty good right now. For me, I’m comfortable.
Um, This is like gosh, this is a long post though.
This is the nicest place. I’ve lived since the divorce. It is, it’s so nice.
I was thinking about that. It’s like, man, I remember when I didn’t have electricity for a year and stuff like that, though. I mean, It it makes you appreciate shit like hot water. It’s It’s so nice.
Yeah, it is. Like, if you’ve taken, you know, cold showers
A lot of um, if that becomes normal, you know it’s like oh yeah shower is just going to be cold and it’s going to suck. Um,
And then all of a sudden, you know, you’re like, oh gosh, I can take a hot shower now. Uh, it’s it’s great. And being able to put food in a refrigerator and not just constantly eat out of cans. This is pretty great.
A lot of what messed me up too though. It was all the medication. I used to be on I got on medication to deal with, you know? Well, I thought to deal with, you know, life. I had so much on my plate at 1 time, you know, and uh, it just made things worse.
But I had to just stop taking it like cold turkey and I didn’t care about myself enough to plan or anything to be like, you know, or to wean myself off of it or anything like that. It’s like I ran out of insurance and money and medication and that was it.
And I think that’s, uh, Like I have brain hangups and stuff. I mean, I would like be talking and then all of a sudden it’s like I’ll lose it. And then it’s like what what the hell was I talking about? And if I didn’t have all this text up here just for me to scroll up and read,
You know. I wouldn’t. Remember. It’s stupid. It is. I used to be really sharp and super intelligent.
You know. And now I’m just like,
I’m a really creative song, writer and stuff. And I’m, I can like gosh. Yeah. But
I don’t know, I feel like a lot of ways I’m getting. I’ve gotten better. I’m getting better. I don’t know. But, um,
I don’t know if I’ll ever be. Like I used to be. Like I used to could do complex math in my head.
A lot better than I can now. I don’t know.
I don’t really have anything to complain about, because
I was really lucky this afternoon that my ex-wife was just she was already out and about she was like, 45 minutes away from us. And she came right up there and got us and Took me to Walmart and the Walmart. People will fix those tires. Uh, And like, I wasn’t even at Walmart for 30 minutes and then I got my stuff and put it back on the car and Put the other, the tire in the trunk, the spare tire in the trunk. The kids and I went to the Cracker Barrel.
And then I took them home and
Instantly missed them.
Yeah, I just need to focus on my music and stuff cuz I’ll never have like the lifi I used to have.
The. Words, the words. The, the white
No, I’m not saying any of that.
The white. The white.
I’m not saying that, oh my God.
I’ll never have the life. I used to have again. Like that’s gone forever, at least.
In this. You know for the rest of this life anyways, like I’ll never have You know, the whole love 1 woman forever, you know? And then, the family that came from that, and But that was the best my life ever was, you know, like it’ll never be like that. It’s just makes me sad.
That’s not something I’ll ever get over just being a part like having a family and, you know, it was
Losing all that really fucked me.
Really fucked me up. Yeah, and this app’s being a piece of shit. So I guess it’s time for me, you know, to wrap it up but I guess that was my point. Like it just, I don’t know when my ex-wife has to come Bail, my stupid ass out of stuff. Like that, it just
Well, the last time it unraveled a bunch of like
Hurt and pain. I had stuffed down. I didn’t realize It was still there and then this time it just
Made me really appreciate her. Yeah, even more and just
She’ll always be really, really, really special to me and I’ll always love her, you know. She’s a great.
Super awesome person, and it sucks that it, you know, we couldn’t be together forever, but
She made me a better person. Yeah. As much as like, I struggle with crap and hating myself, sometimes really, really bad and, uh, you know,
Just all the dumb shit. Haha also ironically because of her. Like, I’m a lot better of a person. I’m a nicer Kinder person.
Um, Than I was 20 years ago. Yeah, 25 years ago.
And it’s all because of her. And the kids, I have the 2 most Awesome, kids because of her and the dogs that are gone now. But She was the 1 who wanted a dog, you know.
Uh, gosh, this app’s just picking up everything. Wrong. There’s a lot of probably, a lot of text. I don’t know how many words this is at, but I guess this is it. I’m going to I’m going to wrap it up. I’m going to probably heavily edit It, it’s most
I say that though the last few blog posts, I was like, I’m just going to have to edit the crap out of this. I didn’t I was like Some of it makes more sense than I think it does when I’m talking and then some of it, you know, makes no sense. Even though I think it does when I go back and read it, I’m like, what the fuck.
Thank you. Please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 