SO🟢MANY🔵WORDS

8:06 PM
Oh, My gosh, what am I doing?

I am hanging out in my room on a Sunday night. But it’s like, daytime for me.

Night shift is so funny where I work because it’s like It’s

It makes everything the opposite. You know, night is day and day is night.

For me and I think that’s funny for 4 weeks. Yeah. And then it changes back to the day. And a lot of people say, they hate swing shifts you know, and it is it’s hard the first week or so. But ultimately, I like The Swinging shifts a lot because there are things about night shift, I love And there are things about day shift that I like on night shift, I can do stuff during the day if I have to And actually, that’s my natural, like time that I’m most comfortable being awake because all night long.

Yeah, and the kids, my kids are the same way. It’s really funny. And, uh, during the day though, If I work, you know, on day shift, I can do stuff at night like I can go out. And uh, I know Honda they did away with the swing shifts. But if I had to pick a shift, I would pick days because of the kids, but I just really enjoy night shift. I really do and all the uh, the bosses. The big people aren’t there on night shift.

Which is typical of any night shift. It’s a wild and crazy fucking time. Any place with fixed shifts, the night shift is always the crazy shift. I’ve never worked like the contrast, all the responsible, you know, like Level-headed people work Day shift on nights all the crazy people come out and It’s funny and I’m, I’m 1 of those. Like I’m I’m kind of, in a, a cross in between those 2.

Things. I’m not like I’m not that fucking crazy. Not like some people will Are. I don’t smoke dope in the fucking bathroom. Like this 1 Guy did at TS Tech. And, uh, have sex with the cleaning lady, because that’s what he did. That’s the kind of crazy people I’m talking about on night shift.

Um, I’m not that extreme but I do like You know. Prefer, I guess nights. Yeah. But I’m also responsible, I guess. Yeah. And hardworking. I’m not, I’m not going to smoke a bunch of crazy drugs at work and do crazy things.

Um,

But yeah, that’s that’s what I’m doing. It’s Sunday night. I’ve changed out 2 fans Ceiling fans. Yeah. 1 for my roommate in her room, and then 1 downstairs in the living room. I have 2 more fans to change out and I’m probably going to mess with that. A little later.

Oh, what’s something else? And and I tell you what’s funny and this is the narrative to my life like stuff like this is I guess it’s okay that it’s important but it’s not but it it kind of is significant. Is that Brittany unblocked me again? Yes, she did. And, uh, I don’t know, like she just got into my brains the other day. I was scrolling through. I had to search something. I can’t remember what it was It was on Instagram and this chick popped up that’s friends with her and for some reason has a bunch of pictures of her up on her Facebook page. And so I went to her Facebook page and was like, you know, dang there’s Brittany

Oh man.

I just thought what the hey I’m going to look Brittany up because I hardly ever do that anymore, I think I did it once last week you know, just to see if she unblocked me and uh, but dang She did unblock me and apparently she’s got herself a massage studio in Gadsden and

Another profile for her professional account and then a personal profile that she’s made everything.

Uh,

I guess friends only, you can limit past posts. I actually talked about this Friday, the post I made Friday that I made password protected. I went way too far talking about all kinds of stuff. I went way too far. But um, anyways, what was

Yeah, I just I don’t know. It’s just like okay well she unblocked me I don’t know.

I guess it was Saturday morning. I noticed it. Yeah and I got really sad. For a little bit thinking about all that stuff and then uh I fell asleep and woke up and went and got my son and took him to his last basketball game of the season and he got an award and it was cool. And um, Yeah, that was I don’t know. I was just thinking

I mean, I guess Brittany’s doing pretty great.

You know, as long as she doesn’t. Uh, put nails in my tires and drive me so crazy. I have a nervous breakdown again. You know, you know, everything will be okay. Haha, I don’t like I just have no idea.

But I don’t really like, I mean if unless like short of her messaging me or something, I don’t know. I don’t expect that to ever happen. Or anything. Like I just don’t

I’m just, I’m just going to try and forget, she exists.

I mean, she doesn’t

Wait she does. Yeah um and I wish her all the best it’s like I said I think in another post it’s probably more than once, you know, whatever imbalance existed. Uh, I hope all of that was for the best. Maybe there was some kind of thing she needed to uh,

Figure out about herself or something. Uh, I noticed that she has cleaned her look up a lot. You know, she doesn’t have the crazy ass hair which I thought was awesome and the Just, She looks a lot more normal now.

I mean she still doesn’t though, I mean she’s still the craziest looking chick I’ve ever seen. But um,

You know, she a little more passable as normal looking, but that’s what was so weird about her, is her tastes in music and movies. And, and all that stuff is just so basic and generic. It’s like, You know, not saying that. She’s well, she ruined my fucking life. I mean, I’m not, I don’t know what else to say about her. Like what do I say about Brittany?

She’s my twin flame. It’s You know.

What was the craziest shit ever. But it just it it still it just blows my mind. How The juxtaposition between the way she looks and like.

But then how she acts is crazy as she looks. You know, but her like she has I think I noticed she had a Creed record. And a record player. Like it’s part of like, it was on a display on like a, a stand. Like a lamp stand or a end table or something. I can’t remember. It was on her Instagram. I was like, you know, Creed really, you listen to Creed? You like them enough to buy an LP. You know, like a record.

Creed is like the suckiest lamest fucking band ever. Scott Stapp literally picked a fight with 311 because he is an arrogant fucking Douchebag. You know, I’m just like okay and the music she listened to I know 1 uh 1 guy she listened to it was her profile song for a while. It sounded like he was baby talking. About being no bodies or something. I’m just like, wow I would have to listen to that stuff all the time. And she would make me go to emo nights and Pub crawls and Morgan, Wallen concerts. And I would I would have I would have let her. I would have mashed her with so much love the whole time, too. I actually made up with a song about that. Um it’s hard for me to play that 1 though. There’s a lot of songs I made up about her. Probably 8 in total. I got 4. Is it 4 that I got? That were really especially good That are actually part of my set. There is, uh, there’s pieces of Bob, and Honda plant Blues, which is about her. And uh it’s the Honda plant is the setting. Yeah, um

When we were frogs because we were frogs in a past life, there’s like this crazy like lore, mythology you know. It’s just but

It’s, this is just all like, For my own like it all like ties together in this big like story I made up for the songs and the art and everything I got out of this. It was so like crazy. And to look back on it, hold on. What was the other song that I’m getting off track? I just said, well.

Pieces of Bob, which is about the time I gave her the artifact And,

Honda plant Blues. When we were frogs, And the song Brittany which I’m tempted to just uh perform that and post the video. Just for her and see if she’ll block me again haha because she blocked me. She unblocked me? And then she blocked me when I posted a picture of, uh, her Valentine’s bear that I didn’t give to her, because she was rubbing some guy in my face to make me jealous. I don’t know why. You know, and uh, so I ended up not giving it to her on Valentine’s Day of 2023. But I kept the bear. My daughter gave it to me to give it to her. And I wanted to, I wanted to give it to her so bad and you know, and I say all this stuff like Um, you know, about her taste in music and all that stuff, and all this shit, but I did not care at all. As a matter of fact, it actually made me like her even more. Hahaha And,

I mean she’s my twin flame though but I’ve never liked anybody as much as I liked her. Like not even close. Not my ex-wife, not my ex fiance, even though I still cry over my ex-wife sometimes. Uh it’s just it was I can’t explain it. You know, I’ve made uh I made a few posts about this back over the summer. It was like it’s like a paranormal. Um thing, it’s not something that’s normal and A lot of people I talked to, I know a lot of people who’s dealt with the same thing. I have, I have a friend 1 of my best. Friends is a twin flame Chaser, and she lives in Italy. She’s Georgian And me and her talked a lot about that because she was dealing with the same thing but from the other end, the Chaser end of the spectrum. Uh,

Which is it just oh, wow. I don’t even know where to start. Some of the stuff she would say about her guy and what all she got up in her head about it. And it was just, I mean, all that now that everything’s kind of settled, but to look back on it now because it’s been

3 years since it really started getting crazy. Uh, it’s just, it’s like, wow, I can’t believe that ever affected me. The way it did, but it did. And my life has just now. Started to get stable again from all that. I mean, I was just going to go drown my fucking self in the ocean in 2024. I just thought I had totally. I like my life as fucked up now forever and I it’ll never get better and I’m just a waste. Of a person like why was I even created? You know, like I made the kids, they’re infinitely better than me. Uh they’ll carry on whatever crap that I was you know? I mean that was all I was supposed to do. Anyways it was make them and uh you know, it’s time for me to go and of course, you know, that’s pretty extreme but that’s how I felt like that was. It was that bad. It was it was So crazy. And uh, things finally started getting better, but what distracted me from doing that was my mom acting crazy and getting us kicked out of the apartment and I didn’t know what to do. So I, you know, we stayed in a motel room for a month and a half until I couldn’t afford it anymore and

8:20 PM
I took her to my sister’s house, and that was like,

But then life started to get better. It got worse again. And I thought, you know, I thought like gosh because things got so bad with my ex-wife. I mean, like traumatized, you know, that’s how I mean. I still am that’s my default mode. Uh, it’s it’s different though now, but for a long time, I mean, for years, several years, my default mode was kill yourself. Like, if anything went wrong bad enough, And it’s really crazy to look back on how The balance there like the this is a very delicate fragile balance that would send me, you know, plummeting into the fucking depths like all over again. It didn’t take much. It’s a big reason. I’ve been single for almost 5 years too.

But um, gosh. What was I? What was I? I feel like I didn’t get off track but I kind of did. Hold on. What was I saying?

But yeah, all that was because of Brittany. You hear? Yeah, I didn’t say that. But I mean,

What it just picked up. Uh, but

Oh shit, my brain.

But she disrupted my life like on the level that my ex fiance and my ex-wife did. Well,

As much as my ex fiance did. Yeah. And I did, I went through like 2019 was a really dark. Stupid. Time to. Oh, cuz her and I split up in December of 2018 and

Oh,

Okay.

My friend Peter just messaged me and I don’t know what to do about this. He uh,

He’s trying to give me a guitar that I don’t need and it’s all messed up, too. And I don’t,

Know what he thinks.

I just don’t understand and I don’t,

Think I’m even going to talk about that right now or reply to it. Uh, but he was, We were supposed to have a band and that just has not happened. And he will, he’ll totally take the blame and say it’s all his fault and it is but it’s like shit dude. You know like what are you

I don’t know what he expects or what his, I don’t know, it’s just but then all of a sudden like I don’t hear from him for about a month and then he starts messaging me. Uh, and something always happens, weird, you know, to him and it probably does, he’s 1 of those kind of people. That weird shit happens to. He lives in a van. Uh, I don’t know. He just messaged me about this guitar, it has a belly in it, and I don’t know what that means and he was explaining it to me in the text. So I’ll go, I’ll come back to that but like

Uh, I’ve got, you know, I’ve got plenty of guitars, I don’t know.

I have 3 guitars and a bass. And I’ve got my daughter’s guitar. I still need to fix. I hope is still fixable

Um, I guess this is probably going to be another big long crazy post. But yeah, I mean, It’s just She unblocked me Brittany unblocked me and I was like, wow you know, I don’t know what to make of that. I really didn’t. You know, but she blocked me after I posted a picture of that. I think it was

St. Patrick’s Day and, and that’s the thing. It’s like, what I was just wondering, what? All the hell she got in her head about me because my friend who is the Twin Flame chaser, That’s all I heard from her was just the craziest stuff about this guy like she loved him. You know, she was insanely obsessed with him on this on a level that’s hard for me to understand.

And uh, she would talk to me about him all the time. She was, you know, mostly venting and just trying to get, you know what, I thought he was doing too, but he’s just a dude, he was just living his life. You know, uh, just existing and she thought all kind of stuff, she thought he was yanking her around and toying with her and Um, playing games. And he wasn’t, he was just there, you know, she just made up a bunch of crap in her head because there wasn’t a lot of communication. It is a pretty long story too but That she made up all this stuff. About him. And that’s part of the whole thing, too. It’s supposed to Churn out. A lot of your issues actually pretty much all of them. And that’s the, like, You know, at the heart of the whole twin flame thing, it’s supposed to ultimately help you And I think that’s what happened with her. I don’t know what she made up and like, Brittany. I don’t know what she made up in her head but like my friend would go from the extreme, you know, of it just oh she just loved Him so much. He’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen and uh, then you know, she would go from that to Crazy shit like she would want to get pregnant by him and then never let him see the kid and you know like meet him somewhere and give him the best sex of his life. Um you know, rock his whole fucking world and then disappear forever. And uh, you know, stab him in the butthole with kitchen knives And laugh as he was bleeding out from his asshole because he is The World’s biggest. Asshole. Hahahaha

You know? I mean, just crazy stuff. She was just oh, she just wanted to just destroy him. She literally called it a War. She said This fucking War she will annihilate him! That’s what she wanted to do. It was like what? That was what I heard a lot of and that’s uh, I just don’t understand. Why that? I don’t, you know, and I don’t think she even Uh, she deleted her Facebook after like I think it came to like a

Like a

Everything got really crazy and then it stopped. She, uh, she doesn’t talk about him anymore. Yeah, she won’t talk about him anymore. So, um, it’s it’s just

But it just makes me wonder what all Brittany got in her head because that’s all I was doing. I was just living my life and, um, She came at me acting all crazy. Where do I start? And she read my blog and she still does sometimes, but she read about a lot of stuff that was important. You know, that, uh, that you would think she could take into consideration that maybe the I wasn’t being an asshole. You know, and that’s, uh, I wasn’t, I cried about this. I cried about Brittany like, As hard and stupid

At least, as much as I cried about my ex fiance and probably, I mean, it’s right up there with how much I cried over my ex Wife too, it was really bad.

Like, I mean I was just oh my goodness. It, it messed me up so bad because all I wanted to do was fucking Love her, you know? But she was so scary to me. Like I couldn’t get within 5 feet of her without shaking, like a crazy person. And then there was 1 time, she tried to get me to meet her at a gas station and I was so nervous. I threw up all over myself. So I mean, it had that effect on me and, you know, the God knows what all she just thought I was being this fucking asshole jerk but I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have ran away so much if a Um, Tiffany hadn’t broke, broke my fucking heart.

Oh, she read about all that she read about how I hadn’t healed up over that yet. And I wasn’t ready for anything. And she, she didn’t care, you know, she just wanted to fucking, I don’t know what she exactly? Oh but I know what the effect it had on me. Was it just like, like, it just totally ruined everything for me.

So, I mean, she’s a significant person in my life now, you know. And it’s just so crazy.

But it makes me wonder and I’ll never probably like I don’t know if I’ll ever talk to her again, or I’ve seen her a bunch of times though. Like I’ve passed her on 431, which is weird. You know, like cuz she lives close to Anniston which is about 3 hours away from here and you know it’s I’ll pass her like going to get the kids or something or going to my storage unit. I’ve seen her twice go by my storage unit.

Um, it’s just It’s insane, you know?

It really is.

But she unblocked me, she blocked me. She unblocked me back in like,

July after I posted that picture, I posted that picture in March and she blocked me and then she unblocked me in July and She kept popping up on my, I don’t know if that’s the thing. It’s like, does she think I’m going to message her or something? You know and um,

The reason I don’t message her is because she did a bunch of crazy stuff like she put nails in my tires and I blew her messenger up, trying to get her to talk to me about it and she got 1 of her friends to message me and tell me a bunch of dumb crap but she also called the police. Which was extra mean. And then after that she came back up there and put a dent in the top of my car. Yep. And it’s like, okay, you know, like you really expect me to message you now? She tried to follow my Daughter on TikTok also, I mean? Like sometimes around October of 2024 my Daughter was like, Dad! I don’t know what she expects, but I got sick of her popping up on the uh, her active status. Yeah, on Facebook Messenger. I kept seeing it and I’m like, I I’m not messaging her. And that’s why I’m not messaging her because she never would talk to me. I’d be like, hey, and she’d say, I don’t know you And, you know, she she did it, it’s just like she fucked with my head too much, and it doesn’t take a lot. You know, that’s the thing. It’s not hard to fuck with my head. If you’re a lady, especially if you’re a lady, I like And especially if you’re a lady, I like as much as I like Brittany who was more than I ever liked anybody else ever? And that’s it and you know, it’s that’s about I mean that’s the basic

Like that’s um, that’s it in a nutshell. Yeah, that’s what I was trying to say. Hey, what I was thinking. It got so over complicated, but she blocked me again because I did I got sick of seeing her active status and so I um, I made a post I went back on my phone and found about 40 pictures, which is a fraction of how many places I drew blue and green chickens. That was that was one like thing because we’re Uh, The blue green Spectrum that’s our like favorite color spectrum. And I talked to her enough to figure that out, you know. Um, but she’s a she’s more green and I’m more blue. And I drew these blue and green chickens all over creation like the Nick in Birmingham. Has a blue and green Chicken on every single sticker in the bathrooms and there’s stickers covering the bathrooms, but there’s blue and green chickens covering the stickers and I haven’t been there in almost 3 years. So I don’t know if they’re still there, but I mean, all the gas stations park, benches anything, uh, fucking I think Under the bridge in Guntersville.

Uh, Just anywhere, because I travel a lot on adventures and I mean from, like,

Tennessee to Georgia to fucking I mean, all, you know, in about a 2 hundred and some odd mile radius as many places for about

About a year I guess. Yeah I drew blue and green chickens on pretty much everything.

8:33 PM
So, Hundreds and hundreds of these. Chickens all over the place. And but I made a post, uh, I made a lot of art with them too and gave it away. I mean it, did it it? That’s how much it affected me. I went crazy too, but It’s like what would have happened if we would have ended up together? If I had, could have been a just A little less screwed up, you know, or or a little more Brave. I don’t know. I would have you know like how could if we would have ended up together how would that have went Oh, it would have been

Insanity, though. But

And that’s the thing she she did this thing for my birthday in 2023 where she was. I didn’t figure it out until it was way too late. Uh, it was When I worked the night shift at TS Tech she was trying to get me to meet her across the street at this thing at like, 3 a.m. and I didn’t figure it out. That was what it was until it was too late. Like she was trying to be sneaky and see me for my birthday, right? Oh my God. And that’s like, but I didn’t figure it out and she put another nail in my tire. And that’s after that is when I started blowing her messenger up because it’s like you, you know, you have to leave me alone. She was driving me so crazy and I couldn’t afford You know, to keep getting new tires. It was just so.

I was so awful. It drove me so crazy. It did But uh,

Yeah, I made the post with a bunch of the chickens and uh,

And 1 of my friends holding up some of the artwork I made I gave to her. It was 1 of my friends who worked at the dollar store and she was like, hey, it’s me and Brittany blocked me again, uh, after I posted that And she just, I mean, It had to have been like last in the last 3 or 4 days. That she unblocked me. And, uh, I don’t know. I don’t know if she wanted me to see that she’s got 2 Facebook accounts now, and you can’t see anything on the her personal account. But, uh, her professional account says, she’s in a relationship and that made me sad but then It’s like, you know what, what the hell? Why like, what is wrong with me, you know. Like she she did a lot of crazy stuff. And uh,

But if she ever saw me talking to anybody, at work. Like a lady especially there was like my friend Kim. Uh, who was obviously a lesbian, you know, like she saw me talking to her, 1 day at work and she got like, oh my gosh. Like the energetic output from her. The jealousy missiles is what it was? She hit me in the face with them and I suddenly started shaking and I had to stop talking to Kim. And of course, it wasn’t that long before the shift started, but we were just laughing and talking. I was telling her about the recording process and Brittany saw that but she had that dude hanging around her, you know, and that she got all crazy because she saw me talking to somebody who wasn’t her and it’s like what did she expect? You know, like I’m

I’m not going to talk to her like what? I didn’t know if they were boyfriend and girlfriend or if they were like just I don’t know what they’re doing was you know? And

Uh, Gosh. It was just it was so crazy and and stupid more than anything else to look back on it. It was stupid really stupid. But it was also like,

It fucked me up in proportion to how I felt about her like, how much, how deeply and intense and her too. Because after I left, you know, she ended up leaving that job and maybe that’s what I’m thinking. Maybe, you know, it was something that it took All that from me to like, for

Her to find herself for some maybe She has some great fucking purpose to fulfill that. You know, I’m the kind of person who can forgive shit like that because not everybody. I don’t know, I don’t think too many people, otherwise, like other people would have, you know, like anybody else.

But then you know she probably wouldn’t have done that to anybody else. I have no idea.

But uh, Yeah, she looks like she’s happy now and like, you know, I just I’ve been trying to get past her, like, get over all of that and forget about her for a long time, you know. It just something like that. Always keeps happening. And uh,

You know, about the time I’m like You know, over it and like because I’ve been thinking about talking to the chick. 1 of them. Anyways, from where I work. Like I’m You know, I’ve been single. I’ll be single for next month. 5 years. And I want a girlfriend. I’m ready to love again, I want to get out. I want to find a special lady to mash and pet. With all the love in the universe and I’m ready to do that now. And Like I had totally put her out of my mind in that regard and then she unblocks me, you know, I guess that’s kind of my point to all that big crazy mountain of text.

Um, Yeah. I mean, what else can I say? You know, I’m just taking a break from uh, I got 2 more fans to do And then, I’m going to

Probably go back to doing nothing again, I don’t know. I’ve been scrolling through Facebook reels and watching a lot of weird shit that’s been popping up. Uh, ghost stories and stuff like on different things. It’s like, well, I want to go. I want to go stories. I said, why ghost stories? You know, like gosh.

I have potato chips.

And I think I’m going to eat. I have hot dogs. I got hot dogs this morning.

I have 2. Hot Dogs left.

I have 12 dollars on my cash app and 9 dollars on my chime and I get paid Wednesday. And, You know, oh hopefully everything will be okay. I just did not feel like making a post yesterday I lost. I think It was a 15 Day Streak. Yeah, I lost that yesterday. Not making a post. I didn’t feel like making a post yesterday after Seeing that Brittany unblocked me. I guess I wasn’t really bummed out or sad about like seeing all that crap. But I didn’t know how to feel about it. It took a while for me to process Brittany unblocking me because for some reason, that’s a, that was significant enough to affect me to where I just didn’t feel like, making a blog post. Isn’t that funny?

Yeah.

Yep, but, uh, you know, if she really wanted to talk to me. She would just be like, hey, dude, I don’t know why she never could do that.

But that goes back like what I was talking about my friend the Chaser, you know, she just Came completely unhinged just over that guy, and it didn’t make any sense to me, and I would try to like You know, ask her questions in ways to try and make it make sense and she would just be like, you know, why are you taking his side? And I wouldn’t, you know, I would just be like well maybe he’s you know, this or maybe that and she was like, stop taking up for him and it’s like, okay well I’m I mean, I don’t, I wasn’t, I was just trying to understand. Haha You know, so it’s uh,

Gosh.

I just wonder if, you know we’ll ever Like,

I don’t know, I don’t even know what it’s like. I’d say end up together, but I don’t know that.

I know I care about her and I want her to be happy and have a great life. Even if I’m not a part of it, And,

Uh, that’s fine. I don’t know that. We could handle being a part of each other’s lives. I’m not sure. But there’s so much more to say about that. There’s so much to talk about. With Brittany that I just, I kind of touch on a few things here and there, but I can’t bring myself to tell the whole story in 1 Thing. It’s uh yeah. In 1 single.

1 sitting.

God, what the fuck?

Um yeah, I think I’m going to eat 2, more hot dogs and then tear into these fucking chips.

And refill, my water bottle and edit this. While I’m waiting on my hot dogs. This is probably

About a 6,000 word post haa. Haha, yay.

Thank you, please.