8:27 PM
Well, I’m just Hanging out in my room on Saturday night.
On my least favorite day of the year. And why is that? So well.
I think I talked about that a little bit in the last post but it just is it’s like hardwired in me. To hate this day now. Because it was my anniversary. With my ex-wife for 18 years. And,
I’m just glad that she’s doing great now and she’s so nice to me now. If she is nice to me. And,
The stupid app. I know, but she is. She’s been really awesome to me.
For the last at least the last like year, especially really ever since my mom died, I don’t know. And honestly, my ex-wife was a lot like a second mom to me more than she was anything else. Yeah, it’s weird. But it also even though my mom did a lot to help me, When I was older like after the divorce and stuff, I don’t know. There was a lot of crap that I just didn’t learn about life and things.
That I learned from my ex-wife. And I used to say, you know, she’s Actually, a big reason why I’m such a good person now. But she also,
Absolutely destroyed me. And a lot of times, I mean.
It was so messed up. Yeah, and I’m grateful for the kids and there’s a lot of things I guess that are like You know that are intangible that I have that you can’t put a price on like perspective and stuff. But at the same time,
You know, sometimes I feel like I wasted my entire early adult life You know, I was 19 when her and I got together and I thought we were going to be together forever. Uh, I was 37. Yeah, when we split up. And, It was just so much.
It was so much, like I just
Oh God, I just did everything for her. I did. It was so Retarded, looking back on it.
Today just reminds me of it all the time. Like, all day long. It’s like, when this day is over, I’ll be okay. You know, it’s just stupid. I’ve never had, like, any kind of Relationship like romantic. Anything that was good overall. You know. It was all a bunch of shit like everything. I’ve I’ve ever done, In the End. I don’t know with Romance. With love or whatever. It’s just that’s all it’s been.
A lot of it is the women I gravitate towards. Uh, that’s why I’ve been single for 5 years.
Pretty much 5 years now. Yeah. And uh,
I did, I only wanted to love 1 woman forever, but I’ve given up on that, and I, as much as I wish, I had somebody And that’s another thing too. It’s like it just reminds me of how alone I am. I really am.
Except when I have my kids, I can’t relate to people even people that like, you would think I could relate to. I just can’t. And, you know, I don’t connect. I don’t make social connections like I used to
Is. Just it’s like a handicap or something. I have it’s weird. It’s like Beyond autism. I’m like, crap, I’m crippled. Yeah.
Socially crippled.
I had to seriously. Like, Make a real effort not to get alcohol. I went to the store earlier and got coffee and water. And I didn’t get alcohol and it was hard. I was staring there. Staring standing there looking and staring at the fucking beer. And it was like, I could get 2 yuenglings. Yeah. For 2. For 550. And uh,
I just I didn’t do it.
I’ve been I guess sober for 3 months.
I had a really bad drinking problem for
Probably 3 years. Yeah.
And it was starting to get bad again. I stopped for a while and I don’t know, it’s just, it’s really bad.
I haven’t smoked in 2 months. I’m proud of that.
Sometimes that’s tempting to do but it’s like it’s just going to fuck up my voice. My singing voice has gotten so much better if I can get rid of this crud.
Which I was doing pretty well the other night Wednesday night, I think, and earlier today I was, uh,
I was doing great.
I napped for a little bit after I made that last post.
And, uh, I don’t know. The best thing I know to do is just Act like, it doesn’t matter anymore with Brittany because I mean, why didn’t she even does she do it just to mess with me or something? Just like any little thing she can do cuz she still pecks on my blog too.
She does and it’s like, well,
You could always just message me.
I don’t know why she can’t.
It’s really stupid.
But I really do wish I had A girlfriend. That would be uh,
That would be great.
I guess that’s 1 of the reasons why I tried to talk to that chick last week. Yeah. And uh, I don’t know. I’m still freaked out about the gym, girl. Haha You know, it’s stupid. I’m just Really retarded.
But I don’t, I don’t have.
I don’t have anything in common with most people anyways, at work. And they’re going to find out real fast that like it’s like I’m not. I’m not normal at all. It’s like when you know I mentioned in a post the other day where I asked Brittany if she believed in dinosaurs and I might as well have asked her like You know what the formula was for, like,
Um, the Rocket Fuel, you know, that they sent people to the Moon with
Hahaha
You know, like, That’s how much of a different wavelength, I’m on, than most people, especially at a factory job because they’re all thinking about, you know, I have no idea actually, but not what I’m thinking about. That’s always how it goes.
I’m going to try to actually like, do my chores tomorrow?
Yeah, I’ll get that done.
I’m going to try to but I’m probably going to stay up most of the night working on music. I’m fixing to go outside and mess with that here. After I make this post.
I don’t reckon any of my roommates have like Valentine’s crap. Going on either because they’re all home. Unless, 1 of my roommates, it sounds like she’s running. A bath or something. She might be getting ready to go out. I have no idea.
I have no idea. I don’t, I don’t I just stay in my room. Most of the time.
I had a lot of fun with the kids last night. We went to this place called attack of the Tatsu. And uh it was not as great as I thought it would be what? I got the food I got was fucking really good, but my kids got ramen and they were not happy with it at all. And we’ll probably never go back to that restaurant. It. It was kind of like, uh, it had that whole hipster like scene people Vibe, that’s, uh, I’ve heard hipsters called be called scene kids before.
Um, I don’t know what they call them now, but uh, that’s what that
Canadian bacon place was too and that was something that was new to me. This is how much I never get out or keep up with anything they call sandwiches. Sandwiches.
I call them Sandos. Like Randos? Yeah. They call them that and they call them that at the attack of the Tatsu place. And at the uh, Canadian bacon place this morning. I was like Sandos You know, like,
I wonder where that started, you know, I’m going to look that up actually because last night was the first time I’d ever seen a sandwich called a Sando on a menu before.
Or even thought about it being called that. I knew that’s what it was.
Wait a minute.
Sando is Japanese.
I mean, it’s just short for sandwich, but
Oh, I guess it originated from the Japanese pronunciation of Sandwich, which is
Send you.
Sandoi.
Sandwichi. Haha Yeah, I’ll have to yeah. That’s close enough. That’s how they say it though. In Japanese. That makes sense for the Attack of the Tatsu restaurant but not the Other one?
My friend Natalie, just followed me on Tik Tok
I said, Happy Valentine’s Day. She’s uh, I did I like I wouldn’t really call it a date, I don’t know. It kind of was I took her out. It’s been almost 2 years ago now. I took her a roller skating.
But she got, oh, she got so drunk. It was like It made me sad. You know.
I had a huge crush on her in high school. I did, I don’t know, life takes people in the craziest Directions.
I think about, you know, the 6 women I’ve loved
My ex-wife being the, you know, the main 1. I can’t like compared to her. I really can’t count any of the other ones for anything, you know, like real.
Because they all lasted like, 2 months.
Except Stephanie, uh, because she yanked me around for like 2.
2, or more years. It was, I don’t know. It was really weird.
She still messages me sometimes.
But uh, You know.
She’s my last girlfriend. We weren’t like officially together since 2021, since March of 2021. So it’s like that’s the last relationship I’ve been in. The 1 before her, it was a year and a half gap between her and the 1 before. And that chick. That was the most rotten.
Horrible person. Just lied about everything compulsive liar, but like,
Just everything wrong with a person pretty much. I mean, she was the worst
Just about the worst person I’ve ever met period. Yeah, I mean, she really she really was
But uh, before her, I mean, it was only like a few months gap between her and the, the 1 before and then a like, 3 months gap between the 1 before her and my ex fiance. And then about
A month gap between my ex fiance. And the first girlfriend I had, After the divorce. And the first girlfriend I had after the divorce, there was about
A week Gap in between the divorce being final and her and I like getting together and so it was, you know, like it it took me though that last chick that I mentioned who was really, really horrible. Number 5, I guess. Um she actually though from her being so terrible, I mean awful, like I can’t I can’t without just going off on a big crazy rant about her. She was just if if I if any of them I could say was a narcissist that would have been her. Like I don’t understand anybody who acts like she did. I mean just she was the most evil piece of shit ever.
But um,
She also forced me to re-evaluate. What the hell I was doing because my friend, Justin told me.
Like you know, before the divorce was final. He was like dude, stay away from women for 2 years. And I just laughed because all I had ever known. Was my ex-wife, you know? And I was uh, 19. Like, you know, then I found myself at 37 like single like all of a sudden I was like what what do I do? And I wished I would have listened to my friend Justin or, you know, taken his advice because I did weigh that out, you know, I was like cuz he’s smart I considered what he said, you know. But then I just
I guess I wanted to experience like when I didn’t get to do like I didn’t get to dates or anything like, in my 20s. And then I realized the very quickly
8:46 PM
That. Uh, I hadn’t missed anything. Not really.
But today reminds me of like I guess makes me think of all my romantic failures, the biggest and Main 1 being my ex-wife because I blamed myself for everything. You know, I do it’s like if I could have been perfect. I wasn’t perfect. I was great, you know, but I wasn’t perfect, but if I could have been perfect, you know, but that’s stupid too. She was so mean to me.
I don’t even my daughter said it 1 day, she was like you know she took you for granted mom, took you for granted you know it’s like she did it was was really bad and I took for granted that we were going to always be together.
Like I was not prepared to, uh,
Was not prepared for any of that. And then, oh, there’s just so much I could say, I’m not going to say it because She’s the kid’s mom, and she’s really awesome to me now and
She really is just a great awesome intelligent person and she’s like the most awesome chick and you know we were together for 18 years.
Because I was retarded in love with her. And, you know, it just Everything, got so horrible.
I guess sometimes I really, really miss her.
And Today, just reminds me of that.
Because I never wanted anybody else. Like ever.
And it sucks.
I don’t know if that’s something I’ll ever really get over.
I mean, she fucking she got over, that shit pretty fast though. She turned around and got remarried. You know, I mean, she treated me so awful. The first The last 2 years we were married and probably the first 2 or 3 years after the divorce. Especially the first year I just I didn’t. Oh my God. I don’t I didn’t like
It was horrible. Yeah, I’m just thinking like She was so abusive. It was so stupid. Because there’s also a huge part of it. Like, how the hell did I put up with her? You know, she was so
God. She was so mean, and abusive, especially the last 2 years, I don’t know, without just talking in circles about it. It’s like, well, you know, I can’t, I just can’t go off to, you know, I don’t know. But that’s all that today. Just makes me sad and you know, I wouldn’t think about it at all. Probably, if I had somebody Or if I could still get out and do stuff with the kids on Valentine’s Day, but my daughter has a boyfriend now. And she’s doing stuff with him and I’m happy about that. Of course, I’m sure they’re like already. Finished doing stuff. They painted each other. They um, That’s 1 of the things they did is. Oh, it’s so cute. How like my daughter is so much like me and her boyfriend is just so smart and he’s just the sweetest little nerdiest guy. And, uh, it makes me so happy that she found love. Like, So early on, And uh,
But they painted each other like got like a canvas and paint and painted like a portrait of the other 1. It was really really sweet, and she made him like all this stuff. She made him a record. Like um, Out of, you know, like cardboard and like she just made it like a art piece like a record player, but it was made out of like What at all? Did she make that out of, I think felt too
She was showing it to me a picture of it though and explaining it to me last night in the car while I was trying to drive but uh,
Like, she just makes these elaborate, like, just crazy things. And it, it reminds me so much of me the way, like, I used to be about things. And, and the way I am, you know, I’ve never My ex wife was the only chick
Uh, Who. I was with on any Valentine’s Day. I haven’t been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day since the divorce. Cuz all of them, you know, none of them lasted more than 2 months. It was really stupid.
But, There’s a big part of me too. I feel like I’m, I’m more ready.
Than I have been in a really long time to, uh, To like, get out and find somebody. Again, it’s taken a lot. It’s taken all the crazy dumb shit.
To give me perspective, the perspective I need, I guess.
To, uh, approach things like that in a healthy way and not like insane or retarded.
Like when I met my ex fiance, you know, I was just oh she was my soulmate, you know. I mean really? No, not at all. She was a fucking demon.
And the 1 after her was a big reality check too because I was like That’s the most smitten I think I’ve ever been with a lady and in about a month and a half, she had whittled that down into nothing and I dumped her, I sure did and but it made me feel horrible and I got a couple songs out of her too. I don’t ever play them, they’re in Spanish. Yeah, they’re pretty mean too. Haha
But um,
She was really cool though. It was just, I don’t know, I don’t know what it was. It was 1 of those things. Where you would think You know, we would have been like a really great couple, but we weren’t, you know, and I realized a lot of things like Her parents loved me. I mean, they loved the crap out of me cuz I would speak my shitty Spanish with them. But, uh, she hated that because she hated her parents, she resented her parents because they used to make her translate for them when she was a kid, and she just hated her fucking parents. And the fact that they liked me was a huge turn off for her and that stuff like that, you know, I guess, just to kind of give an example. But today just sucks for me. I guess I’m just complaining and trying to get it out of my brain so I can get off my ass and do productive things because it’s Weighing on me. It’s like it’s like crushing me, you know, like God Valentine’s Day, I fucking hate it.
I hate this stupid fucking day here like so fucking much. The only thing that’s keeping me from posting about it. On Facebook, is that my daughter is friends with me on Facebook and she’s had an awesome day and I’m not going to shit on it anything that she’s going to read about Valentine’s Day cuz she’s not going to read my blog. Hahaha. But like, I’m not going to post anything negative about today because she had such an awesome day and I don’t want anything to affect that. Like she, you know, she might be like, well, Dad hates this day, you know, it might make her a little sad. I don’t want to do that.
I almost posted a status and I have to remember this and it actually it’s good because it keeps me in check, but my daughter’s friends with me on Facebook, but I almost posted a status about fighting like, You know, my brain. To, uh, get alcohol. And like I had, that was a struggle for about a minute. A solid minute I stared. And that’s a long time to just stare at some shit. I stared at the beer at the 2L
The 2 Yingling. Yeah, thanks. Um, You know, for 550 and I thought that’s a good deal. Cuz they’re uh, they’re the 24 oz.
You know. And I used to go to Tennessee back in the day and get 40s. And uh I was tempted to do that 1 day. I was in Tennessee getting lottery tickets and I was like man just get a damn 40 you know, I used to get a 40.
And drink it on the way home, like when I was doing generators, sometimes I would be in Tennessee or Georgia and I would get a 40 and drink it going home. If I was by myself, yeah.
I don’t know. Or I’d stop at a oh, shut up. Yeah, I like no more drinking. Like I haven’t drank in 3 months. So, It’s been.
Great. Yeah. Uh it’s just, I guess the stress sometimes my brain wants to like deal with the crap by drinking or smoking, you know, and It’s uh, like I don’t want to drink at all now, but it was for about a minute. And it was a fightvand I almost posted a status update about that.
It’s just like yeah this is fucking Valentine’s Day and also tried to kill myself 9 years ago. So, you know, I don’t like to talk about that though.
That was really bad.
And it is, it’s like,
I felt.
I’ve just ever since the divorce I have felt just empty. I’m like a husk or something. It’s weird.
I don’t like when I don’t have my kids, it’s 1 of the reasons why I do so much and go. So overboard with my kids, when I get them, because when I’m by myself, it’s all I can do. Because that’s, that’s another reason why I had such a bad drinking problem. You know, it was like,
Shit now it’s like well.
I’m just glad I have my guitar and that damn classical guitar. Has helped because that’s giving me a new like,
Uh, Avenue to explore with music because a classical guitar is so much different than a regular guitar. The neck is wider. The strings are different. It has a different sound, it has a different feel, and it’s harder to fucking play. And I like, I never get cramps playing a regular guitar. Uh, But I do with this 1, I’ll try to play Honda plant Blues in standard tuning, which is an F You know, which is a big fucking bar chord to make, but I have to do like a little Blues walk down with my pinky finger and uh, it’s like F to C to B flat and it’s all fretted. It’s open though on the, uh, on C standard. It’s the open C and F, and B flat butt on a standard. Tune guitar. It’s You know, it’s fretted and I it hurts so bad. By the time I’m like There’s a break in the verse.
Uh, that’s uh
C and G. And um, that’s like what saves my hand. Like, because all I’m doing the verse to walk down Parts in the verse. I’m just like I’m in so much pain and and uh it’s it’s funny though, it’s like cramping pain in those like it’s like when you like lift weights, when you’re like, you know, you’re It’s just funny and then it gets a break there for a second with a 2 chords, and then it’s back to doing the walk down again. And uh, I’ll probably go out to the garage later and do that.
But now that, uh, I’ve been playing that for about
Almost 3 months.
I have not drank in 4 months. Yeah. I was just thinking cuz I bought that guitar about 3 weeks after I Got pulled over that Night. Uh, yeah. That’s what I mean, like, my ex-wife, you know, saved my ass about that.
Oh gosh, though. But just today, I feel better now. I just dumped all that out. But now I want to talk about my classical guitar.
But going back and playing my other guitars. They’re like, little babies. It’s funny. Even my bass and uh, I don’t know if I’m going to do that tonight. But at some point, I’m going to hook my recording equipment back up.
9:00 PM
And I’m going to have to, you know, play like my electric guitar, and my bass and stuff. And I got A pickup for my other acoustic guitar and it is, it’s the neck is So tiny And it’s big like for an acoustic. It’s a big fat fucking guitar, you know, for a regular acoustic guitar. But
Uh, my nylon string guitar is uh,
It’s harder to play, but it makes me a better player, you know? And it sounds so cool. And I finger pick almost every 1 of my songs. It’s like, oh, I just love it. I don’t know.
I wish I could have gotten into classical guitar 25 years ago.
But I guess it’s never too late.
Oh, this helped so much. I just dumped all that crap out of my brain. And I’m going to edit it and post it. And
Go to the garage and practice my fucking set. I’ve got like 30 songs.
Yeah. Yeah.
I said, yay. Thank you, please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 