WEDNESDAY

12:39 PM
Oh my goodness.

I don’t know, I just woke up, but

I have to go back to sleep but I thought why not make a post?

1 of my roommates is going up and down the stairs. I guess she’s moving stuff from her old room to the new 1. To my old room.

I guess, I don’t know. I finally gave up trying to make sense out of Any of these people?

Yeah. Haha

Oh no. I said, oh no.

I didn’t, I said, um, Yeah. It’s, I don’t.

I can’t talk.

Loud, I guess I could. I could talk loud if I wanted.

I need to clean my room up.

Pretty bad actually. It’s like

I haven’t cleaned my room up in months. Like when was the last time I cleaned up my room like November? Yeah, the last couple of months so far this year is just Smooshed together.

January and February, today’s the 18th. So it’s like this month’s got 10 more days in it.

I’ve been talking to this chick.

Uh, from Danville.

Not like a whole bunch. She’s just really cool.

Yeah. She’s a really sweet lady. Part of me wants to ask her out and then part of me is like Well,

Um,

I don’t know that we have a whole lot in common, but she’s She really is like, she’s Awesome.

She reads books. And she’s really Beautiful.

I sure do. Wish I had a girlfriend though!

I went off talking about that this morning, I went to get lottery tickets and uh, it’s not that far. It’s Tennessee. 30 minutes up the Road

Yeah, um, just that was just like well, I got 1 with the, uh,

Fuck. I don’t even remember what the other option was. It was the 1 where I don’t have to buy a ticket for another week. Or another drawing. Yeah.

I got Bojangles for breakfast or, um, Supper, I don’t know. I am, Really hungry again though. I just woke up. I had this crazy dream about a tram. Hahaha

But I don’t remember much else about it.

I think dreams. And waking reality. I think.

None of this world really makes a lot of sense to me anymore like, it used to. I used to think I knew everything. I used to know all the stuff like science and

Fucking whatever. The rest of it amounts to

But I don’t know.

According to all that crap. We’re on this tiny little planet. It’s not tiny though but it is compared to the rest of the universe.

And uh it’s funny to read some people’s bullshit fucking opinions about the stuff. This 1 Guy, On Instagram. It was a video of a caterpillar. That looks like a snake like its butt. Looks like a snake’s head and it shakes and its stuff to make predators think it’s a snake and to scare them away and he’s like, it doesn’t know it’s a snake. It just you know, a random mutation and all this crap and it’s like dude.

Yeah, it knows what it is. Like animals aren’t fucking Stupid

Like what? An ignorant? Humano Centric fucking

Bunch of shit. I mean, but people believe that like that, my ex-wife’s 1 of those people, She doesn’t believe in anything. She’s an atheist.

Ask any atheist where thoughts come from or why you have 5 Fingers on each hand? They’ll just tell you a bunch of fucking dumb bullshit. It’s easier just to say, I don’t believe in anything I can’t touch or detect with The human body Interface than to try and figure stuff out for real.

Uh, that’s just a platform for experience though. It’s like, My emotional attachments is, Strong and retarded as they can be to think it’s You know, it’s like People.

Talk about. How maybe We’re living in a simulation. But like, where does that even come from? A simulation of what? Haha

Like a video game. Well, it’s kind of like that, but it’s also real. But it’s real as you want to make it. It’s uh, when you

Realize just how much?

Thought. And matter and energy. How much your thoughts can? Regulate your reality, I guess. It’s, uh,

It’s liberating, but it’s also

What’s the word Bittersweet? It’s also depressing as Fuck. I don’t know. You can get all lost in.

In it.

I don’t really know where to start. I’m just like, I just woke up and I’m like well.

I wish I had a girlfriend. I’ve been single for so long and um, I said so fucking long, you know this app is Also a remarkable piece of technology. But it’s stupid.

I’ve been getting a lot of, uh, Hits for me, I guess on this blog. Uh, this week it’s like hey, you know, 6 or 7 people like an article. And that’s a lot. Haha But I’ll notice some people get hundreds. Of likes and comments people that I follow. And I’m like, dang I don’t know how

But this stuff is so hard to read sometimes because it’s just

Speech to text and I just ramble, you know, I just blah blah blah blah blah. I talk about the dumbest shit sometimes like Brittany I don’t know that I’m going to talk about her anymore or any of my exes. I was thinking about that at work.

Last night I was like, damn, you know, I sure do talk about that stuff a lot. Too much really.

I remember 1 of my ex-girlfriends, uh, this was it was Stephanie. Yeah, like

I guess it was like 4 years ago, we tried to get back together for a minute and my brains wouldn’t trust her because she had already broken my heart. And it’s like, well you’re just going to do it again, you know, I don’t know she had all these stupid Bullshit excuses, why she, you know, was a piece of shit. But it didn’t change. The fact that she was. It’s like, yeah, I mean, everybody’s the way they are for a reason but you’re not going to break my fucking heart again. Oh my goodness

It sucked too because at 1 time, I would have married Stephanie

I loved her almost as much as I loved my ex-wife, and it would have gotten better, you know, that would have grown and grown it took Fucking years for me to love my ex-wife as much as I did

It’s a I guess because I feel so empty now. Sometimes, I don’t know.

And there’s just so much crap but it’s been so long but she would read my blog sometimes and be like you’re just obsessed with all the stuff. It’s like not really. It’s just I talk about it in my blog. It’s not, I don’t know, sometimes it just gets into my brain and it doesn’t mean I’m obsessed with anything.

Because I’ll only think about it when I’m making a blog post. I was like, oh yeah I was you know I was churning that out. But I do talk about that shit way too much, especially the last couple of months, especially the last couple of weeks. Yeah. I guess ever since Brittany unblocked me, I was like blah blah blah Brittany but now it’s just you know

I mean I do I hope she has a great life but to me, she was an absolute piece of shit. In the weirdest fucking way like this, just this intangible. Fucked up way. And it’s like,

I would have spent eternity with her, but, you know, now? Like we could have had you know 3, 3 and a half years ago it was you know it maybe yeah. But now like

I just don’t think, I mean, she would have to really

Probably something far beyond what her ego is capable of. Haha yeah

Just live and have a great life and

You know, it could have been at 1 time. I made up a song about it actually I made up a couple songs. I’ll never play them. And I’ll never post them like that was I was thinking about that the other day. When after she unblocked me, because I have 1 of my absolute best songs about a lady is about Britney and I, it’s like the title of it is her name. It’s just called Brittany. And, uh, I was like, you know, I could, uh, I like how it spells, it differently. You know, I’ll say it like the end of the you know within like a couple of sentences, it’ll change the spelling of Brittany.

Sometimes the most of them, it spells it out the way she spells it. But uh I know this is probably the last time I’m going to talk about her for a while, unless something some new development happens That is worth mentioning.

But I guess I do kind of keep tabs on her a little bit.

Just just like, well, there’s where Britney’s at, you know. It was, it was just so weird. It was just so weird that my daughter saw her car in a wreck Last Friday. You know, and there for a minute like a, you know, this was 3 years ago.

I think maybe a little longer. It depends. I don’t remember the Anyways, uh, She followed her on Tik Tok and talked to her and stuff on her videos and would be like Brittany has a pet snake. Dad. Oh my God. You know it’s like wow.

But yeah, I was uh, I think it was over the. Yeah, it was. I’m thinking it’s Wednesday now. It’s like dang. Yeah. Uh, Saturday or something.

Sunday. I was like, I could just uh,

Play that song and make a video and upload it to Facebook, but then I thought, you know, she doesn’t deserve it, that’s 1 of my best songs. Like ever. And uh, I’ll play it live and stuff. I’ll play it a bunch. I guess it’s how it’s been 2 years ago when I was getting out and playing Open Mic nights at the Copper Top every week, I did that for about 3 months.

And I would play that song on almost every, you know, time I would go up there and I basically I got sick of playing the same like I rotated about 12 songs,

Uh, I got sick of playing them. I got it all out. It was like, It was funny. I did Honda plant Blues, which is 1 of my best songs.

I don’t know. It’s stupid.

I really miss My Dawgs.

Yeah, I don’t know why it spells it like that. I’ll say I missed my dogs.

Yeah, I think.

I said, thanks.

I still, I don’t know, I don’t know what else to talk about my life is though, and it’s good though that it’s boring. I don’t want it to be. A bunch of crazy shit. It was I can’t handle like, Drama and stuff very well people. I’m so sensitive.

Like super fucking introverted. I’m so introverted, right? That I talk to myself. And make a Blog about it.

I think that’s another reason I’m scared to get like, I am, like, I want a girlfriend, really bad but I’m also afraid Because, uh,

I don’t know, it’s just they can get so dramatic and they boss me around and hurt my brain and make me sad.

Even like my friend Natalie, I took roller skating a couple years ago. That’s the last time I did like anything with a lady like went out, you know, like it wasn’t it really wasn’t a so much, a romantic thing.

12:57 PM
She uh she’s so unhinged. Oh my God, I think I talked about that though but she followed me on Tik Tok the other day and I like talked to her for a second and then I asked her, you know, like what she’s up to like I thought she moved to Tennessee and then she just didn’t reply to the last, you know, she just doesn’t

Respond. But 1 of my friends who dated her like 20 some odd years ago was like, dude. She’s a professional Heartbreaker. Oh It was funny. Actually he was like dude you need to not like you need to watch out.

And I did consider, you know her as a potential love interest at 1 time for a second but You know, She hijacked my banjo 1 time and kept it from me for about 6 months.

Okay. I just got a text

It’s funny when I have a phone number and uh,

Like the people who used to have this number, because I’ve had this phone number for what a year and a half.

I’ll get texts or calls for the people who used to have this number and it’s funny. I just got a text from my dentist office pushing me. Happy birthday. To Colby. Yeah.

Kobe with a K that Yeah, Kolby.

Always. I know there’s some people with that name but I never really liked that name.

Because it makes me think of cheese. Haha

I don’t know. I was thinking this morning as I was going to get Lotto tickets because I tried to make a blog post about 8 times and I kept getting tripped up over my brains but it was a stupid stuff. It was just me talking about how much I wish I had a girlfriend and how like all the ladies from work.

I just love them. You know, I do there’s about a dozen

Where I work and I won’t go in the cafeterias anymore because it stresses me out. I’m just like You know, wow her that 1 or that 1 or that 1 and they always they all of them like that, of course now, they look at me like, you know, there’s that fucking guy who stares at us all the time, but doesn’t talk to anybody. You know.

And uh I just I don’t know how to be any other way right now. So I hide from everything, but

I don’t know. I got some really mean Vibes last night off that chick. I tried to talk to last week. And uh,

I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t tried to talk to her again or she just hates me now or something.

And then there’s this other chick who pops up on my Instagram all the time.

And she is so pretty. But it’s like gosh you know I saw her as I was going to the break room to get my stuff to leave this Morning. And then there’s the gym girls, you know?

On both shifts. There’s Just I just, I don’t know, and then I’m talking to that lady you know. But we only message back and forth like a few times a day, it’s not like Cuz I was telling her this morning. I’m like I don’t really talk to people that much on messenger. She’s like I don’t either

And it’s like, oh, that’s cool.

But she’s really, really, really sweet. She’s really awesome. She works at a distribution center, not Target, but like another 1.

I have been kind of bummed out the last few days and I thought maybe it was Valentine’s Day, but

It was also the anniversary of my mom’s death. And I don’t know the exact day that my mom died. They found her. I think it was the 17th.

I don’t know how long, you know.

And that’s the thing about my sister is my sister is the most Self-absorbed ditzy fucking.

Like airheaded real bad. But she doesn’t give a fuck about anything. And I know um, I hate to say that she gets that from my mom too. They are those people who are like perpetually late. For everything, they don’t give a fuck and, and it, it says a lot about a person. You know, it takes them hours to get ready for everything.

And uh, or something, I don’t know. You can’t ever get them on the phone.

If you message them or text them, you know, that you might not hear back from them for a couple days. Whenever they feel like talking

Uh, God, I don’t really want to go off on rant about my fucking sister, but like, they’re always late though to the fucking point where it’s like it inconveniences everybody else. Like at family functions and stuff. I remember like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Everybody having to wait on my sister. You know, or wait on my mom, it’s like we’re going to eat, you know are we waiting on them? You know, it’s it’s it’s like those are, they are those people, you know?

And it’s really fucking selfish. And people like that are everywhere but it’s like What a bunch of self-absorbed. Selfish fucked up bunch of shit. But the thing about that, my point of that, is that, um, my sister just left my mom alone and never really checked on her and my mom was really scary. Sometimes to my sister, like she treated my sister way differently than she did me. But

I don’t know, I always made sure. My mom had food. I mean, not that she had food but that she ate Yeah, like I would I don’t know but then that’s the other thing. Like you can’t really do.

Something for somebody. I don’t understand. I guess that was 1 of the things that that chick. I’ve been talking to was telling me she’s like that’s just 1 of those things, that you’ll probably never understand. Is that, you know, is my mom dying, like, why she starved herself to death and Why my sister I want to say like let it happen but you know, I don’t I’m not going to put that on my sister. It’s just like, dang, and oh, she died at my sister’s house and they did, they did an investigation and my sister tried to get her into an apartment. And my mom had a crazy episode and my sister ended up losing a rent deposit and So I mean

But I don’t really care for my sister anymore. Because, Was. Uh, I guess it’s been Well, I think it was like, August July or August of 2024.

I was adding minutes to my mom’s phone and I had seen where my sister and her had texted a whole bunch. I just opened it up just to see and it was like back when Mom was like doing a bunch of crazy stuff like the time around the time, she got us kicked out of the apartment. And uh, I was just reading what they were saying. I thought it, maybe there was something important in there. Yeah, I don’t. Yeah, thanks for correcting that. Um,

And my sister had said a bunch of mean stuff about me. It really hurt my feelings. Made me fucking cry! Like she said, I was a narcissist. Who did stuff for attention and I was like and she and she kind of expounded on this back towards the end of my marriage when I tried to kill myself. And how I was just a fucking attention whore and all this shit. I’m like, really? Oh my God. That’s what y’all think about me. Fuck y’all all. Yeah.

Like and now I’m actually want you know, thinking about it. It’s like I actually fucking hate my sister kind of you know and my dad like fuck them.

You know, they get to be selfish fucked up assholes, you know, but

Anything less than perfect. You know if I’m a fucking I mean that’s just how it’s always been though. Like I if I was anything except perfect, I was a fucking piece of shit. That’s the black sheep of the family, I guess. It’s so stupid.

Families can be so fucking stupid, and it’s just my dad’s side of the family, my mom’s side of the family, I’m like 1 of the more normal relatives, hahaha.

I guess 1 of the biggest things that bothers me about my dad is he has 1 grandson, my son and he never Calls him never does anything with him. Never, you know, he’ll show up to his his ball game. Like, you know once or twice a season, he’ll come to my son’s basketball game. And once a year or something, he’ll come to 1 of my daughter’s theater performances. And my sister posts a lot on social media and posts like how like they all go do stuff together her and her kids, and my dad and their new stepmom and it’s like You know, fuck y’all. Like really like They suck.

I mean, it’s like Really, it’s kind of like, if my dad died, which he will be 75 this year. Yeah, um I don’t know that I would even go to his funeral.

I just don’t want to deal with it.

Deal with it. Yeah.

Like I kind of hate my dad.

You know, and my sister and I don’t know. I guess thinking about my mom dying, it just made me, you know, my sister’s Two Faced as shit. Just like my dad. You know, they’re fucking they lie their asses off and manipulate people to get what they want. You know, and I don’t. So like who’s the fucking real asshole, you know?

And that’s 1 of the reasons why my dad doesn’t really talk to me or we don’t you know, talk or see each other that much, you know, because I put him in his fucking place 1 Time about it. And he just, you know, he’s got this fucking super Like gigantic fucking ego and he has the worst taste in fucking music ever. So I don’t know how

I just, I don’t know my sister’s the same way.

But I used to, you know, I used to be part of a family. I don’t really have that anymore.

God, I do know. I’m thinking about it. It’s like you know I guess I do fucking Kind of hate my dad. I want to say I just plain ass. Fucking hate his, stupid guts, but I don’t really.

I’m trying not to get angry about it.

Left his stupid business with nothing. Why?

I said, yep. I know why it’s because he was my dad and I cared more about him than I did myself.

1:11 PM
Which is why I got well. I’ll say like myself like is I cared more about, you know, helping him. Than I cared about my own personal goals and stuff.

It’s really stupid. He didn’t deserve it.

I’ve also been thinking about just making my social media private again. Like, all my social media just because All the people from work, pop up all the time. And then, you know, I’m actually just thinking about, like, unfriending my sister. And uh, or just blocking her. Um,

My new stepmom, I guess. She’s not though. They’ve been married almost a year.

That I didn’t know anything about until way later like, you know, like fuck my dad

Fucking. Asshole.

But yeah, like he never has anything to do with my kids, you know, he’ll show up on their birthdays and throw money at them, and then leave.

He’s really a he’s a shitty fucking person, really.

Crap. I don’t know. I don’t know what else to say. Usually. Um You know, I’m trying to like Get all this out of my brain so I can wind back down and fall asleep. But uh,

Usually that happens when I edit it. Haha This is a long post. I don’t know, I guess I also feel stupid just talking about Brittany so much. The last couple weeks the last week or so, I don’t know my brain. I’ll have.

I have car factory brain.

No.

I said, yeah. I said, yeah and it just put no

Piece of shit.

My life. Is actually really good right now compared to what it’s been like 2 years ago.

Or a 4 years ago, 5 years ago, 4 years ago. It was pretty good. Yeah, I was thinking it’s 2026. Now, You know, 5 years ago, that was it was hard.

But um,

7 years ago. It was hard. Yeah I know it like there was like I had hard years. Pretty rough years 2019 was a really rough year. And uh, 2021 and 2024, those were probably those have been the hardest years.

Since the divorce.

But shit this year, it’ll be 8 years.

You know, I just Think that like sometimes I just

Even though my life is, it’s pretty great right now, you know, I’m comfortable.

And in some ways and other ways, I’m not happy. You know, it’s like I work all the time, I’m tired all the time.

The upside is, it’s been really warm this week but the 1 day I get off which is Sunday. I have to work Saturday, which is fine because I need the money. But, So, it’s supposed to be cold again.

But in a couple of months, it’ll be warm all the time. I don’t know, I just wish I had a girlfriend.

I don’t know what else to say about that.

I’m not going to get 1, if I don’t.

Make an effort to, uh, I guess I feel like I’ve you know, it’s like baby steps, haha like I tried talking to that chick last week and it was weird but if I would have talked to her 6 months ago, it would have been different but I wasn’t ready to talk to anybody. And that’s kind of how it goes. I just I freak out and piss them off.

I guess I’ll worry about not having anything in common with them too, you know.

And then I’ll worry about

What my kids would think about them. Like them getting along with my daughter. And, you know, my son, but my daughter is a lot more particular about people than he is, most of them is just like yeah, whatever. Yay. You know, she’s like

My daughter’s the boss.

Yep, and

You know, she’ll always be.

A thousand times more important than any romantic. Anything. Like nothing could

Even be like a comparison there and I guess that’s the thing about my dad that, you know, once I had kids of my own I realized what a fucking piece of shit, he really is. Is, uh, he married this fucking piece of trash. Not my current stepmom, but the 1 before her Uh, This fucking gold digging drug addict piece of shit woman, who was jealous and competitive of my sister. And uh, like

Drove a huge wedge too. Um in like between everything and like just totally fucked up everything and my dad like picked that he chose that. Twice. He married her like the first time, he married her, you know, and it it lasted about a year and

It was like, you know yeah like you know live and learn dad, you know, but then he married her again.

What 3 years later or something? And, uh, she just brought her fucking bullshit in and

I don’t know. That was what my dad. I mean, he married it, you know? He picked. He picked this fucking piece of shit whore over. Uh,

Over his family over his like, the kids, you know his own. I mean, I guess my point of that is that’s not something I’ll ever ever do. Ever even like consider doing, Um like the first, you know, all my daughter ever has to say is, I don’t like her and it’s over, you know,

I remember 1 time my sister like, you know, that was our home That’s where we grew up, you know, and my stepmom just comes in out of nowhere and like my sister was in there 1 day, like taking a bath or something. And She kicked my sister out you know this was like while we were still in college like she was just home for the weekend, you know? Getting away from like all the crap from the college town and just kind of, you know, it really messed my sister up.

Uh,

And you know, my stepmom just she was just a total piece of shit. And she fucking like, uh, Oh, it’s such a long story. I was going to go off on a rant about how her own daughter is. Like has 5 kids that she doesn’t have custody of any of them. Yeah, I know. And uh, My dad and her adopted 2 of them. Her oldest 2. And uh, the last, I don’t know. They divorced

I don’t even know. Sometime in 2024 and uh, maybe 2023. I think it was yeah. 2023, they divorced. For the, you know, finally, but like she would beat the fucking shit out of those girls all the time, and scream at them and call them awful names. And Uh, You know, my dad just Like, you know, just let that happen.

She embezzled.

Thousands and thousands of dollars out of my dad’s business to fuel her fucking pill addiction

Yep. That’s yeah. God. I remember, uh,

When my kids, when we still lived around there, like we couldn’t let her watch my kids 1 time, we did. And she would like, she would be she would get so fucked up. She would just nod off and we quit letting my kids go over there and everything and that was a big deal that was like some big thing. Like oh how dare we not let my kids go around this drug addict piece of shit who is barely conscious.

Anyways, you know it’s just stupid. It’s a bunch of Fucking white trash bullshit. And that’s my fucking dad. You know, that’s my dad and my sister.

I don’t know.

Sometimes I wonder how everything would have turned out if Dad hadn’t married her. But then, you know, I think it, it doesn’t matter. Let’s just, I don’t want to talk about that anymore, and

I’m going to have to edit a lot of that out.

Dang. This is turning into a long post. I think I’ve been talking for about 30 minutes. Maybe longer.

Well, what else can I say? I guess, I don’t, I don’t know. I kind of got a lot of crap out. I got a lot of crap out. I just wish I had a girlfriend. Yeah, that’s like the main thing. Hahaha

Maybe that’ll happen soon.

Or, you know, maybe within the next month or so I don’t know. That’s not 1 of those things, you can just I can just

Rush or jump right into or anything. Haha

Oh, thank you, please.