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11:30 PM
What am I doing now?

Well, let’s make another post.

I’m just hanging out in my room. I have to clean my room. I need to

And I need to do uh, at least clean the

Bathroom. And,

Sweep.Yes. And mop The fucking living room.

And the hallway and do that.

At some point tonight.

My voice is a little better.

That’s okay. But I need to do laundry. Nobody has anything in the washer or the dryer.

All I have to do is get a bag.

I have a bag. I’m looking at it.

Put the dirty clothes in the bag

Put them in the washing machine.

You know, turn it on and Haha. Yeah.

Do some laundry.

It’s just a matter of me getting up.

I have I’ve had a long week. It’s been a really long emotionally draining week. And it shouldn’t be, it shouldn’t have been. I should be really fucking happy. I was Laying here earlier talking to my friend. Rebecca And my friend Alessio was trying to get me back into Latin. And that’s exactly right. I should

I was also thinking about how much I wish I had a girlfriend. I just can’t imagine who the hell it would be right now.

Next week is the last week of night shift, and then it’s day shift, which means I’ll probably cross paths with the gym girl at some point.

And uh, she is just, she just freaks me the hell out.

You know, I don’t think this kind of shit happens to most people all the way it happens to me. You know, it doesn’t

Potato chips.

A half potato chips. I said, I have fucking potato chips.

I just ate some of them.

My roommate texted earlier 1 of them. The 1 who took me back and forth to work And she has, I just have looked at it. I know I saw like her name and saw like the list. That she said the list of stuff. It’s stuff that I

I already know to do. For cleaning the Bathroom. Yeah, it’s, I don’t know. It’s like, well, if you just want to make a list like Okay.

I was really excited, though. I think it was towards the end of last month. The uh

The main roommate, the 1 who owns the house. And I feel like I say that, I, I call her the main roommate. I mean, she She’ll always be. Somebody’s roommate here, because she owns? I don’t think she owns.

The house. But she’s the 1, I give money to So I mean I think her dad owns it, she said

Her, dad’s a lawyer.

But um,

Yeah, she was had been talking about, uh, hiring a cleaning person. And I was excited about that cuz I was like you know I don’t care how I mean how much more a month is it going to be You know, and uh, I would rather pay somebody To do these stupid chores because I don’t want to do anything right now. I don’t want to do anything. This is the only night off I’ve had this week and I’ve had a fucked up stupid week. You know, at the beginning of the week, it was like. My mom, you know, it’s the year anniversary, my mom died. It just reminded me of of a bunch of crap, but that was another thing about Facebook, it was on the Facebook memories. And I was like, yeah, that’s right. My mom did die.

At this time last year and it sucks and I have nobody knows how long she was dead. And that makes me feel like shit because my mom deserved better than that. And I totally get how my sister, why? She was the way she was with my mom because my mom could be. So

Unnerving. Scary. Yeah. Like, I can’t put into words and I’ve never met anybody who could

Make you feel as weird as my mom could. I think I can do that with people actually, but I don’t. I hate it. I fucking hate it. Somebody has to be a real. Fucking sack of shit for me to put any kind of weird like that. Like, my mom would do to everybody. She would do it to my kids. She did it to my daughter. She like she would make, she could make my daughter cry with just like, saying 1 thing to her. And that is fucked up. And I and I’m trying to remind myself that, you know,

It’s sucks. And she but she still she deserves better than that. I understand why my sister was the way like because she was like that with my sister too, I remember my sister tried to live with her before about a year after her and my dad, split up my mom and my dad split up my sister tried to live with my mom and she couldn’t

My mom would like do crazy things and make my sister very afraid and she couldn’t have anybody over Cuz my mom would try to like, get all up in their stuff and Like it was weird. I can’t explain it.

Properly. I don’t I don’t know how to properly like,

Explain how?

Exactly how my mom was. Yeah, I don’t really know because she wasn’t always like that. I have seen her do like good things though. Um, 1 time we were at a Chinese restaurant. I think I was with my ex-wife’s family. It was like maybe 2005 we were all out and my mom was with us. It was 1 of those rare occasions. Uh, and you know, it might have been Mother’s Day or something, I don’t remember, but we were at this Chinese restaurant called Hunan in Rainbow City and it wasn’t, it’s not there anymore, but it was the best 1. We used to get take out from there all the time. I, Spent all my fucking time with my ex-wife and we were like back in those days like that’s all like we were together all the time. And did stuff all the time. And uh, We were out with her family and my mom and it was this waitress this little Chinese lady. I think, I don’t know. She was a teenager. And she had just moved there and she was away from her family, she wasn’t in school. She didn’t know. Uh, anybody she spoke?

Decent English. But she missed her family, really bad, and she was all alone. And my mom talked to her was talking to her, like, a person got her to open up, and start crying, and then mom cried and hugged her. And, and like, it was the special magical. Awkward super weird like because my my ex-wife and her family had never seen anything like this before. This was all I saw in throughout my whole childhood was my mom hugging and crying at people. And and like, but it like healed them. Yeah. And that’s the thing like

My mom could do stuff like that. I remember her taking us to the nursing home when we were kids and she would just go around and visit everybody’s room every single person. It we would spend all day at the nursing home, like, visiting and talking to these people. And my mom was a caretaker, too, that’s what she did for a job after her and my dad divorced. And she helped all these people and made them feel special and loved.

And then for her to die all alone like that,

But it’s it’s complicated because I remember 1 of my aunts let her have it one time that Mom cared so much about everyone else’s family except her own. Because me and my sister were neglected like emotionally especially my sister, my sister was like, it was so sad. How starved for love and attention. My sister always was. You know, I can bitch about her all day, but like she was and I didn’t care. I was like, people got on my nerves, but it was, cuz I’m really sensitive too and but I was kind of an asshole. When I was younger, like, until I met my ex-wife and learned about love. She taught me how to love. I know. And it’s like it’s the weirdest thing because she completely destroyed me too.

Oh my goodness. But, uh, it just bothers me about my mom. I still don’t think anything she did was bad enough. I don’t think though, I don’t know like my sister. You know, I just felt like

My mom deserved better. I don’t really know, what else to say, it just makes me feel awful. Because my mom helped me a lot and she did, she drove me crazy. And I hated I stopped taking her out on adventures with us because of the way she treated my daughter, it was weird. She was competitive with her. And you know, it’s like when’s the last time when I took them all out.

Was 2022. So my daughter was 11 the last time. That I took Mom on adventures with us. I wouldn’t do it after that. She was She made my daughter cry so hard in the middle of Food City. 1 night? Yeah, over a pack of gum. It was like, oh my God, it was so weird.

And my grandma was like that too. Her mom was like that. She was uh oh my gosh, I don’t know where to like

Goodness, I’m just feel like I’m going too far and I was talking about crap, but my mom did a lot of good stuff, too. I don’t know.

I just feel like she deserved better, like, she deserved to have her own place and live the last because she probably would have lived to be 900. You know.

I said, 90. Yeah, I said I just I don’t know why I try to make sense of this app and I don’t just edit it out, I don’t know why it bothers me.

Because I said 90 and it put 900, I don’t know why it does that a lot. I’ll say 70.

Maybe if I say, It in a sentence, it’s like, oh, instead of ending a sentence with it. Like, you know, there were 7,500

But that wasn’t.

Was just more of a number. There were 70 bats in my Nope.

Okay, well, I don’t care.

Except I do.

I guess I expect this thing to be perfect. And perfectly, you know, type out everything that I say just

With no mistakes or anything. That’s exactly what I expect. And what I don’t get it, it bothers me.

It’s doing a great job though. It really is. It’s a great job app.

I just, I don’t know. It’s I’m really having a hard time. I need to get up and do stuff because I’ve been neglecting my laundry and my room. I haven’t cleaned my room in probably Seriously, like 3 months, you know I cleaned it up. It was before uh it got cold. I think it was October. Was the last time I really cleaned up my room.

And it looks like it.

Nope. I sent a bunch of pictures to my friend. Rebecca, I was talking about I was like God I had to clean up my room. And I’m thinking I might post those pictures here. So you can say, yeah, I need to clean up my room. I sleep with a big pile of garbage next to me of, like, Cans. And

Boxes.

Packages, you know, empty things.

Cups.

Paper.

All that. Yeah.

It’s also cold. I’m going to turn my heater on.

It’s been so warm the last couple of weeks.

I got used to it.

And now it’s cold again. But it’s only supposed to be cold for about 4 days.

I’m just glad I got this heater back before. Uh that dude moved out and I should have just went in his room and got it.

11:47 PM
Like it mattered.

I should have stomped his fucking ass and put him in the fucking hospital. That’s what I thought about doing a few times. But I thought, you know, if you accidentally kill this guy,

Or you know, God forbid, I actually get like a charge for it. You know. I go to jail for assault.

Like well, you know, he started it by staring at me, like he wanted to kill me over a bunch of dumb crap that I shouldn’t have had to say anything about. This is stupid. And then he wanted to borrow money from me. You know. God. Yeah, I don’t really want to talk about all that. I’m just glad he moved out.

It was really surprising though because I tried to be really cool and awesome to him. It was and a person to him at first I was like, what the hell?

And it was just him being a little asshole.

Which I deal with. I have to deal with from dudes like that at work like this. There was this 1 team lead guy. I haven’t seen him in a long time, though. Every time he’d see me he’d like, bow up at me and I’d just be like, okay, yeah. He would just start acting really weird like every time like I saw him and nobody else acted like that, I would just look at him and then I would not look at him. There was a guy at Target like that too, and I started yucking him.

I know I’ve talked about that. I haven’t yucked anybody where I work right now, huh? But it’s tempting.

Yeah, last week was a weird week and I’m not feeling really motivated to get up and do anything right now. But hey, it’s still early, like I would just be getting back from lunch on a regular work night. Now, I try to do that On my off days while I’m on the night shift, sleeping schedule. I try to look at it like that, like if I was at work right now, I would be in the middle of, you know, The day. Yeah.

And then I don’t think about anything like that on day shift because it’s all normal. You get 4 weeks of normal. Yeah. And then 4 weeks of insanity. And that’s what I like though. I like that so much about swing shifts.

I love car factories. I was really glad I still sometimes I still can’t believe I got to come back. To this job and it’s not, you know, like where I worked at though it’s different. Like if I could have got back where I was at before I left I wouldn’t have any complaints. I really don’t have any complaints at all as far as my job. You know, the work or the people there, because they have such a rigorous like screening process. That the people who the worst people, Um, that I work with here. Are like,

The average people that you would find at a chicken plant or a fucking, in some entry-level, like, just crappy place. Well, there’s a big overlap there, like, You know, there’s some really great people where I work.

Like I work, uh actually this is 1 Guy on my team. Um, He’s the only 1 I’ve added on Facebook. He’s really awesome. And uh, there’s just

Just there are there are some really great just super cool. Funny. Interesting people. Where I work and, uh,

With the crappiest ones are still. You know, they’re not that bad.

The crappiest people at the chicken plant you know, are people who I was afraid would stab me or something in the parking lot. I had a guy try to break in my fucking car, 1. Time at the chicken plant.

Yeah. I don’t know. I haven’t met anybody where I work.

Like that, you know?

Yep, this app, just not. I think I’m being too hard on this app. Sometimes I feel like that

I mean, all I have to do is edit it out or edit it. In the way I want it to look. Because this app just does most of the work, it’s so much easier to talk.

And to talk, This is though. Yeah, well I haven’t really typed that much in the last few years. I’ll get my laptop out. Sometimes Yeah, I still mess up though.

I’m drinking this energy stuff.

And it’s just making me really talkative, I don’t really have the uh Still don’t have the wheel.

The will to get out of bed.

But yeah, you know, Mom that made me sad, just makes me sad to think about that. And then Brittany, you know,

I don’t understand why that had to happen.

Except to give me more songs and something else to like to be just like dang about. Haha Yeah.

I really do. I really wish I had a lady.

Ladies are the best.

They really are.

It’s like the next 1. I don’t want another 1. I want the next 1 to be like, It. forever. I am going to pet her and mash her with All the Love in the whole entire Universe

I guess that’s why it’s still bothers me so much about Brittany because

She’s the 1. I wanted to pet and mash the most forever.

It’s so stupid.

So, fucking stupid.

I’m trying to think what.

Got this caffeine.

Drink. It’s almost done. I’m just going to have to get up. I’m just going to have to make myself get up.

I want to keep talking, no. Want to keep talking though. Yeah.

Well.

I guess I’m kind of about a point where I don’t have anything else to talk about, and I need to clean up my room and it’s going to take me an hour to edit this and post it probably,

I am going to set up my music stuff and start. I’m going to do some recording.

Thank you, please.