MONDAY😭😭😭😭

4:56 PM

So anyways, yeah, I’m driving home. It’s raining.

Uh, I clocked out about 20 minutes ago. And it’s not raining as bad as it was Saturday, but it still sucks.

I was going to wait uh and go to the gym but the rain apparently is supposed to get really bad around in about an hour. Yeah. So I decided I would just go and I really, really want to talk to the gym girl.

I mean, it just I don’t know, she got all into my brains towards the end of the day and I haven’t seen her. I’ve seen the other 1. And, uh, cuz there’s 1 that she gets there in the mornings. And then the 1 who gets there later and stays until like 5:00 p.m. She’s the 1 like I wish I could just marry

Anyways, I don’t want to talk about that anymore. I just wish

I could talk to her. I feel like she is going to be really mean to me. If I try to talk to her,

I hate this fucking phone and I hate this app but I don’t know what else to do.

I hate my stupid throat with my stupid fucking voice. That’s been fucked up for 2 months.

You know, it’s like

I wish. Sometimes I wish I could blow my fucking brains out. I fucking hate my fucking life. You know I hate myself too if it wasn’t for the kids. If it wasn’t for my precious,

Beautiful children. I would. Do it I would blow my brains out live on Facebook and Instagram and Tik Tok. I think you can you can have them all going at once, right? Yeah, I would

Because I don’t. Know how to do anything anymore. I’ve become so like wrapped up in my own stupid crap. And I don’t know how to get out of it. Sometimes, that’s how I feel right now. Yeah. And, uh, holy shit, you know? But I feel like I’ve been there a year. You know, it’s like I’ve been there a year. I feel like I’ve made it. That’s how I felt at Honda. That’s why I’m that’s why I really started to come around and and start talking to Brittany, you know, but by that point like she had just fucked with my head too much. It was so fucking stupid. Like that. That was the biggest piece of shit fucking thing. But then then I’m still talking about it and that it even mattered like on the scale that it did like what the fuck is my life even about? You know, like, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Not in the grand scheme of things. It’s like I’m driving home in the rain and it’s not that bad. There’s a big traffic jam up here because I guess I guess the rain is bad enough though, but it’s not bad enough. It’s bad enough to make people wreck but like Saturday everybody was driving super fucking slow and carefully.

Yeah.

I just, I really, really like that gym girl, I like her the most, okay. Out of all the chicks. I know like period. Yeah. And I wish.

I wish I could talk to her. I wish like I figured I’d see her out on the floor or something, you know, by now but maybe I will. I just, I feel so stupid because I freaked out and ran away that 1 time I saw her. I was sneaking like, in the little corridor that goes from the

Um, locker room to the gym. It’s like a big locker room restroom and they’ve got showers and stuff.

And I peeked my head in there and she saw me like a immediately and I when I saw her, I jumped, I freaked out and ran away. And I haven’t seen her since then. That was probably a month ago. Yeah.

Like at least 3 weeks ago, but I think it was about a month ago. I can’t really remember.

Yeah, I want to say it was about a month ago. Yeah, I think it was before Brittany blocked me. But like, all this stuff is so stupid. You know, if you read this and you think man this is shit. Fucking stupid? This guy’s fucking crazy and retarded as hell. Yeah, well, It’s true. That’s true. That’s very accurate. That is My reality. And I just don’t know, like

Oh my God. And I don’t like Having roommates. I like the boss lady roommate just fine but I don’t really fit in with any of them and I just don’t feel like I belong, you know, but I keep to myself all the time, but the new chick, you know. And I do I have I’ve talked about how cute she is and she is and all this stuff, but she freaks me out and, uh, I don’t know her. You know what I mean? Like, well, like the roommate that took me back and forth to work.

And I mean I didn’t know her either, until I got to know her and when I got to know her, I realized she sucks. You know, she does real bad. But um,

You know, she helped me a lot but I paid her I paid her a lot of money. And I think she was helping her friend sell this car more than she was helping me get a car like that’s how I think that went. I just kind of lucked out and got the most awesome car ever. And it is and I love it and I don’t ever want another car.

Anyways.

Um, But I just I don’t know.

And then time, just Zips by. Oh my God. It goes by so fast. Now it’s already March. You know, but daylight savings already and You know, it’s like Winter’s over for the most part. We’ll probably have a couple of little cold snaps here and there up until May probably. Yeah. But like, it’s fucking Like Winter’s over. I’m glad February is over. I just, I don’t know. I really, I really really want a girlfriend but I don’t want some bullshit and the gym, girl. I think she would be Worth my time. I don’t really know how to say that but I want a girlfriend so bad and I want to talk to the gym girl.

She literally looks like an angel fell from heaven. Yeah, you know, and she does oh my God. Oh my God, she’s like

There was this chick at Honda that worked in the gym and that’s the only other lady that I know of who is comparable in terms of just raw, physical Beauty, but her personality, she has this really fun silly personality And I like that. It’s like me and her could have fun. It wouldn’t just be like like my ex-wife and I did not have a lot of fun. Because we were so energetically incompatible. I got on her fucking nerves more than anything else and I still cry over her. I still cry. My eyeballs out about my ex-wife. That’s how stupid. Everything is my life. I don’t understand my life. It’s like, what am I supposed to be doing? You know more I mean other than what I’m like doing you know, like

You know, I want to do my music, my voice has been fucked up, you know which that might actually not be a bad thing right now. Because if I don’t know, It’s all speculative but

How I tried to talk to a lady today. Yeah, I did. She uh she worked for 1 of those auxiliary companies and you know, I get stalked by chicks. I get fucking, you know, stared at all the time and looked at like, you know, I get these disappointed Sad looks when I deactivate my Facebook and make my Instagram private and there’s this chick, there’s this chick. I thought she was cool. I liked her hair and she was really pretty. She, uh, I don’t know, but I walked past her today. She, she kept looking up at me and I looked at her. I was like, you know what? I’m going to talk to her because she’s, uh, she’s pretty. And so, I was coming back from the restroom and saw her and said, hey! Your hair looks nice. And she made a yucky face at me. Oh my Goodness. Yeah. And it made me feel like garbage, just like what the fuck. Okay? Yeah. Oh, I wish like You could hear the tone of  my voice. I mean, I’m not this, I’m too much into traffic to like get my other phone out and and make that happen, but, uh, I don’t know.

I really want a girlfriend and I want it to be that gym girl. And I don’t know how the fucking I’m afraid. She’s going to be mean to me, but I can’t to just go into the gym either and be like, hey, I have to see her out on the floor and because me and her like locked eyes 1 time and it freaked me out and I didn’t look away but I was really freaked out about it but it’s like why dude this girl likes you. She’s the most beautiful chick who has ever obviously liked me. And it fucking freaks, me the hell out? Oh yeah. Real bad. But I feel better now. It’s like I said, I feel like it unlocked. Something me being here a year. It’s like, hey now you can talk to ladies because you’re you made it, You know, I don’t know. That’s just how my brain works. I am an intj. Uh, I’m a 4. Anagram. Any ground. Any of ground, I’m a 4 in ground.

It, it has picked it up before.

An Enneagram.

Yeah, I’m a 4. A 4 with a well, I think a winged 5.

Yeah, something like that.

I’m a 4 W fob. Yeah.

4 w 5. And that’s the thing. Like I just put that up there. I had to say the correct thing. I had to make sure it took the right thing. Yeah.

Put the right thing. The correct thing, right? I am leaving the wrong thing for comparison. And sometimes I do sometimes I feel like I get trapped in a prison of my own life.

My own fucking like, just the, my idiosyncrasy. Yeah.

I’m in a prison of my own idiosyncratic proclivities.

Aren’t we all though? Why? Hell? No not like me. It’s like it’s weird though. And and like But it’s like I’m following some kind of higher thing too I can’t see because like directly in front of me shit does not make sense ever like with my ex-wife you know. The kids and the dogs, the best things ever came from that. But I could not break up with her.

I was not happy with her like, living with her. The first couple of years, 3 years, We lived together, I was, I didn’t know what Depression was until that happened. But we got married and everything started to get better and we had, you know, we got more like embedded with everything and actually started like we developed this reality together. Uh created a whole world together and you know what? I cry over her and stuff still like a lot of it is that and I also say it. If there was any 1 person in this life You know, like like I just thought she was my best friend. You know, nobody’s perfect. I always thought everything would get better. But, you know, I didn’t know anything because I had a really sheltered Fucking isolated upbringing. So I didn’t understand things like chemistry. And on paper we were very compatible. And uh,

I just knew I loved my ex-wife. It was this force that I could not break from away from

5:10 PM
The thought of like I loved her more than I loved myself.

And I’ve never been able to get that back. Like I’ve just been for 8 years. I have been this. Like empty. You know, shell of a person. Because I loved her. Way more than I loved myself, but it was not She didn’t love me like that the way I loved her and that fucked me up when I realized that she didn’t really love me at all actually I don’t know what the fuck she I have no idea what the fuck she thought she was doing you know. I wasn’t perfect by any means but Goddamn If i did anything I loved that Woman more than life itself.

As like I said if it wasn’t for the kids I’d kill myself. That’s how fucking I feel like that all the time is empty.

Uh that’s I made up a song about that actually it’s called empty stupid feeling and that’s how I have felt. That’s how I feel right now. And uh that was the thing. Like why I got mixed up with so many?  You know, different. Like, Got involved with so many different relationships, well haha 5 after the divorce. 4 in a year and half. Oh but I wasn’t trying, you know, it’s not, I wasn’t, you know, like I’m just going to get with a whole bunch of chicks. I was trying to get to Find again what I thought I had lost.

You know, the void like I described, but that stuff is still ongoing. And, I’m fully aware that I probably Sound like a goddamn like the dumbest person ever. And I don’t know how to make it better but I’m really, really tired. Uh, that’s the thing too about the gym, like that’s what made me feel awesome. When I worked at Honda was going to the gym. And now I feel all I got all these feelings though. It’s like a big bunch of conflicted. Fucked up feelings. Like I want to go in the gym but I don’t It’s hard for me to deal with the stress of being around that chick and not feeling, of course. Now I feel like I can talk to her but she’s going to be mean to me because she thinks that probably thinks I’m an asshole. Because that chick. Is probably used to if she’s interested in a guy, she gets it like no problems, you know? Like that lady. She is so fucking beautiful. She can have anybody.

You know.

Why the hell would she want me? And, you know, I’m probably at least 15 years older than her. Like, I mean, I could see her being like in her late 20s, early 30s. Yeah, like I don’t think she’s like, you know, in her early mid 20s. I think she’s probably around 30. That’s what uh, she looks like. She’s about 30. The roommate, the new roommate chick. I think she’s right at 30. You know, 30 year old women look, young as hell to me. Yeah, they do. Well, hell, I’ll look at pictures of me when I was 30 and I look, really, really young. Of course, I still do though. Yeah, it’s kind of funny. I have some like, you know, lines and stuff. I could tell people I was like 30 1 or 2 and they will, believe it. Yeah, they just think, well, you know, you’ve done a lot of living, you know? But I could totally pass myself off as somebody in their late 20s or early 30s. I actually have told people that before, uh, and they believed it, they don’t even question it especially if I shave.

I have some gray in my beard you know right now but I know people in their early 30s who have white fucking Like beards. 1 of my friends. Her little brother. Uh has like he looks way older than I do. And he’s like 8 years younger than me. It’s kind of funny, you know. Of course, 8 years younger than me is still like what? 37. Yeah, how How, how, how? And I said ha ha ha. Yeah, my ex fiance what she uh, she just turned.

38. Yeah, she just turned 38. And I was looking at some of the pictures of her that I had saved because I, I do that. You know, she was, uh, she had actually like a few years back made a Facebook account and was really active, in a bunch of groups and stuff, they were all public. So when I searched her name, like she uh, all her crap would pop up and she looks Really bad. Like, uh, like the videos of her singing, the karaoke, it’s the lighting. Uh makes her look not as bad but there was this 1 picture she’s uh posing she’s uh in a it’s some politician. Yeah. Um oh there where she’s from and she’s like got a you know took a picture with it and she looks If you look at her like from when we we got together,

8 years ago and and that picture still that was like 2022. So that picture was like almost 4 years old anyways. Like she aged or something went wrong with her. After like, like she went from how she looked. She looked she was 1 of the most beautiful women I’d ever met in my life when we first met like. I mean, to me. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever met. And, you know, up to that point

Um, holy shit. She was And now she looks.

Really, really, really rough and it’s sad.

What did I even get off talking about that. Oh yeah. How young I look? Yeah, I know.

But uh, Crap man. I just wish I could talk to that gym girl. I guess cuz I’m hoping if I see her on the floor you know, if I go into the gym, I feel like it’d be too Direct. Right? But if I see her out on the floor, on the production floor, I could just be like, well, hey, you know, like, your hair looks nice. I’m sorry that I’m not normal, you know? Because she seems like the kind of person that if you actually talk to her. You know, like she, she’s not, she doesn’t seem like a like, not that she

Wouldn’t like, what am I trying to say? Like you could still piss her off, you know, she could still be mean to me but she seems reasonable like you know, I’m not just being a jerk and she might actually understand that anyways. She seems pretty dang intelligent. Yeah, that’s like She’s perfect, you know, I don’t know what else to say about it. I wish she was my girlfriend. Yeah. Like that’s who I wish was my girlfriend and I can’t think of anybody else. That, you know, but I have noticed a lot, a whole lot of breakups lately. Like 4. I guess. I that’s a lot though. Like all of like the same time. It all happened, like, last month towards the end of last month.

Yeah, I don’t know.

But I do like I’m ready to love again. I think

And then like trying to make myself feel better about it you know and if it’s not the gym girl I’ll meet somebody. Like, holy shit like yesterday when I was out and about. Um there was this lady at Whole Foods. Um she had 2 kids with her. She probably wasn’t single it looked like she had got there before church you know like She took her kids there before church that was 1 of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. In Huntsville. Yeah, but I mean she’s still not as beautiful as the gym girl, though. But it’s like

Uh, crap. Yeah, I mean, there’s

Tons of them out here. But I do like the gym girl, the most Yeah. I don’t know. Like that’s enough about that though. I guess I just I had to get that out of my brains.

Oh man. Now here’s the crappy fucking traffic. And that’s the thing about Saturday and I’m almost to my exit, you know, it’s great but that’s the thing like Saturday, there, wasn’t this stupid fucking traffic. Once you get up to close to, where I’m at because where I live is like, going out of Huntsville. You know, there’s Like the whole main part of Huntsville and then it starts, it’s where 565 in Yeah, it ends right there. And um, It turns into Highway 72 and I live off of a road that like branches off, like, right, right as it’s turning into 72. And then, you know, you turn around that road and a couple more roads up there, that’s where I live. So all the traffic is starting to choke down, right? Up here. And there are a couple of times, like I go get lottery tickets and stuff from Georgia. I don’t go to Georgia anymore. I go to Tennessee. Um, But uh, Yeah.

Like it would take 30 minutes just to get from my exit, the exit where you turn off to go to my house off of 565. If you just, if you go past that exit, Like to get to uh like out of where the racetrack is up from my house. You know there’s 1 close to where I work and there’s 1 close to my house And the Food City and all that to get from that exit. Going to where I live from there. To, uh, I mean, I don’t know, it’s only like, a couple of miles I guess. It takes about 30 minutes.

Because of traffic. But oh my God, my exit is just right up here. Oh it’s just right here.

And I’m almost home? Thank God. Yeah, but I’ve been blabbering, blabbering blabbering, I feel better. I was, I was just Really hating everything there for a second. That’s what this blog though. Ultimately is for Yeah, it’s to help. It helps like me talking about all this shit. But I’m tired of talking about all the same crap over and over and over, you know, I want a girlfriend. Like real bad and

I really like the gym girl the most and so I don’t know. But that’s, you know, and you know and if it doesn’t happen that just means maybe that there’s somebody better out there for me or something, right? Yeah, I mean, you know how that goes. And that’s kind of what I have to remind myself. Well, it’s like this, uh,

Damn it, the fucking hell. This fucking stupid traffic, anyways. Oh yeah, I mean, I couldn’t pull right out of the exit. I have to get over and now I have to get over again.

5:22 PM
Okay. Yeah, this stupid fucking phone. And it it closed the app. Yeah. Anyways uh yeah it just did. I think I think some water droplets got on it. So I put it in my lap because I had to see and use both hands.

Um, what was I saying? Yeah, I just

I really wish the gym girl was my girlfriend. Yeah. And maybe that’ll happen. Um, if it doesn’t, you know, it’s not the end of the fucking world but dang, you know? I’d make her so happy and she would make me really happy too. Like, I could just stare at her for like ever, you know?

But stuff like that though is why woman entanglements and all that shit are such a huge deal for me because I love so much. So, so, so, so, so much. So, very much like everything, like the whole universe, Is just love for them. Yeah, that’s how it is. And that’s why I’ve been single for almost 5 years.

Yep.

Well, anyways, I don’t know. I don’t really want to talk about that ever again, I probably will, but You know, I talk about this shit way too much. I really do and I’ve got to edit it, but I’ve got hot dogs and I’ve got jalepeno cheddar hot dogs. Like I bought from the Dollar General and I have hot dog buns. I have potato chips. And I have a half a gallon of milk.

A haaa I’ll probably have to get gas tomorrow. Oh, it did the crazy haha again. Yep, I’m going to probably try to borrow 20 bucks from my ex-wife. I don’t know, like I can’t say anything bad about her. Now, you know? I mean, it’s all Said and done and everything. She’s awesome to me now.

You know.

But I mean that’s just how it is. I don’t know. But everything will get better soon. I just like I still freak out though. Like I freak out about the new roommate, chick too Uh, because she does, she scares me a little bit, but I don’t think she’s awful. I don’t think she’s bad. Like I talked about Natalie and all that, you know? I love Natalie. Okay.

And, you know, it’s just I don’t really know the whole, Having kids and not. Raising your kids like. That I don’t understand that I’m going to have to like do some research on that, or something, and I’m not, but that’s not something I want to talk. Just come right out and talk to her about. I was like you know that really freaks me out like I don’t know what kind of person you are because all the people because I know some really really awful women like Hannah Uh, my ex-girlfriend yeah, number 5. She um,

Horrible and awful as she was, she had her kids. Yeah. Uh, I mean she didn’t I think for a little while but she got them backneventually and then uh my last girlfriend. Uh, and she was actually a decent Mama. Yeah like holy shit but

I don’t know, I just, I want to make my hot dogs and I don’t want, I don’t want to get, like, I don’t want to get a scared or I don’t want to, uh,

All my roommates are home. My God, they’re all home. Hahaha Anyways, uh, I’m home. Yay, it’s time for hot dogs. Thank you, please.