THURSDAY MORNING

4:34 AM
Driving to work in the rain. Yay. It’s not that bad though.

Not yet or I don’t know, I haven’t looked at the weather, so I don’t know if it’s bad. Or going to be worse or something.

Oh my gosh, last night after I made that post, I started playing guitar and singing songs in Portuguese and French and I was like, this is fun? Yay!

And I was so drunk.

And I played the song I made up called granddaddy.

Uh, It’s a really funny. It’s about my granddaddy being Grady Reeves old Grady Reeves. Haha Yeah.

But I had a dream.

Uh last night that well actually it was the dream I had I woke up at like 11:30. Oh my God. I did I passed out. It was like it was before 8:00. And uh, I passed out.

And um, then uh

I woke up. Yeah, it was like 11:30 and I went back to sleep. I fell back asleep. Fuck. I don’t remember. It was about 2 something. Am I out? 2:00 alarm went off to 22. Alarm went off. I know I do. And uh that was the 1. That’s the 1, that’s supposed to get me up to go to the gym and I just couldn’t do it. Gosh. It’s windy and rainy.

It is windy. Yep. But uh,

Yeah, I fell back asleep when I fell back asleep. Uh, I think from like maybe 2:30. Until my other 3:00 alarm went off. Um, I dreamt about Davey dog. Yeah, and David dog was the first dog. We got Me and my ex-wife. And sometimes I just think about all that because I just I’ll never I mean, I guess until I find a new woman, I can build an entire world with You know.

I just think about like it while we divorced was so like just it was all her. It was so fucking weird and surreal to me, like I didn’t know what the hell I had been doing for the last 18 years. If we were fixing to you know, we were going to get divorced like, what the fuck? But uh yeah, it was good to see Davey dog in my dream because I hugged him and I mashed him and I petted him and I miss him. I miss all my dogs so much. Like, almost as much as I miss my kids. It’s almost Sometimes it’s almost as much as I miss my kids. It’s like I Miss My Dawgs a lot. Yeah, and it spells it that way when I say I miss my dog

I missed my dogs a lot. Yeah. Well, it didn’t that time, but

Um, But I do they were like my babies. They were my babies too, but, but they were also my pals. And my babies. And that the main 3 were Dave. And Boat And Gneegnerz. Yeah.

And they all died. Davey died in 2019. Yeah. And then, uh,

Gneegnerz died.

In 2020 and boat died in 2022.

About a year and a half after Niners did. Yeah, it sucks. So bad. God it’s windy.

I’m not going fast. So actually, I just slowed down.

I’m fixing to slow down. That’s what I said.

Well I don’t you know I don’t know I was I thought about parking down on the other side of the parking lot today but I don’t know that I’m going to do it in the rain. That is about a quarter of a mile. Walk. Yeah. Uh which you know that might not sound like it’s that far but it fucking is for a job. But yeah. It’s a long ass walk.

And it’s raining. I don’t want to walk in the rain, I’m not that crazy

Like, I’ll walk to my car. I don’t know like from the main entrance, but from that entrance.

Not in the rain. But I kind of want to, I don’t know, I’m going to check it out.

I don’t know what’s going on With this app it used to, I don’t know. There is this, it’s like tiny things. That is annoying about it now.

But uh,

Yeah, I got oh I got delicious. Mexican food. It was so good. Yesterday after work.

You know, I think I’m going to the Sprint marks. Yeah. Sprint, Mart.

I think that’s what I’m going to do.

If I had gotten up, About 30 minutes earlier, I would go to Bucky’s But I’m not doing that.

I get my kids tomorrow, that’s going to be a hoot.

Well, I mean, I don’t know what else to say like if I’m not, you know, bitching about some roommate crap. And uh,

You know, talking about Brittany. Yeah, I don’t know. But I do miss my dogs a lot.

Yeah.

But the my friend, the Chaser friend, she was talking about how depressed she’s been lately. And I have been too but you know and I guess that’s just the whole thing. It was probably coming from the other person. I don’t know, twin flames is a weird crazy thing and, there’s a part of me that that’s like, you know, and I would I would absolutely entertain like The possibility of getting together with with Brittany, like I would You know, I would not shut her out if she really? You know, if she really wanted to fucking talk to me.

To be a part of my life.

I would fucking, I would, totally.

Absolutely be up for that.

Yeah, it’s 4:44. I said that right at 4:44. Haha I don’t know what else to say about Brittany though.

I really do wish everything could have been different. So I like I really do.

I don’t understand why it wasn’t but I don’t understand a lot of things. Yeah, ha ha ha. I mean that’s just, you know, that’s how it goes. You’re really Limited in the human, not just the human interface but to like fully engage and immerse yourself in The Human Experience. You’re going to have to not understand some things.

It kind of ruins, the some stuff if you understood it. You know, but then some stuff I want to Understand. But I don’t know, I don’t feel that shitty today. Yeah. Uh it actually made me feel oh.

Is this this crappy fucking road? I don’t know. Dude, driving in the rain. Just aint

What I’m right at. Ya. I said something I’m really good at I need new windshield wipers though too and a few other things. I’m going a little too fast.

I’m putting my phone in my lap so I have to drive with both hands.

But yeah, I guess I really do need to get some new 1 short walkers. Windshield wipers

That’s actually pretty stupid. How I am?

Oh, that road is so crappy.

It’s right up here. Past the well, it’s close to the airport. Actually it’s just past the airport. Yeah, where they’ve been doing a bunch of construction.

It’s like it’s just like a Groove in the side of the road that like sucks my tire into it.

And it’s just it’s not good when the roads are wet and I’m not going any faster than 50. Now So,

Yeah. What was the hell? I was talking about. I, I got I kicked into like, you know,

Like shit. Got real mode. Yeah, it was like I have to like you know die right now or that’s more important than making a blog post. Haha

Right now.

Oh, I have to get new windshield wipers. And I got to get brakes too, I want to try to do that and the steering rack fixed. I’ve got to get all that done, like, when I get back on night shift, I thought about taking a PTO day next week. Actually, uh, but also because we’re working so much, they’re working us another Saturday.

And this phone’s being a piece of shit, not letting me scroll up, I hate this fucking phone. I’ve got I got a smudge on it.

4:48 AM
Yeah. Okay. Hey I just had to close it out. Well, I don’t remember what the fuck I was talking about. It seemed like I had Something important to say,

Oh yeah, stuff about don’t understand and I don’t even know.

Yeah.

I don’t know that things aren’t going to get better like in a way that I couldn’t have imagined or something, I don’t know.

But I realized and it it is from having this blog is helping me a lot. Realize how screwed up? I’ve been and I am still, and it’s like, well, I don’t want to be, you know,

But I did like I don’t know, the divorce was just so. Like everything was just so 1 sided and I didn’t realize it until I got like You know, especially in hindsight, it was like, Wow. And I know I’ve talked about all this so much before. But I guess having a dream about It’s just like Davey dog. Yeah, it was like, you know,

Like we it’s just we had built this whole fucking thing together and it didn’t matter to her in the end. She was just wanting 2 kids out of me. The way she acted about the dogs. And and then this is what fucked me up. Was the way she fucking acted after the divorce for like the first year after the divorce. Uh, like she like She called me, like, 1 time screaming at me to come, get the dogs, and she was going to take them to the pound. Like she was sick of taking care of the dogs, so I’m like Those were the pups. Yeah. Like what the fuck?

Hell, she’s the 1. Who wanted dogs to begin with. It was just crazy, none. Nothing about my ex-wife, made sense like the last 2 years we were married. It’s like she was just Holding on until you know, she got what she wanted out of me cuz she couldn’t have had those 2 kids with anybody else.

And that’s all it was. I mean, a lot of people that’s after the divorce. That’s what they told me. Like, people like my cousin, uh, 1 of my cousins and, uh, some of my friends wives were just like, because she would get drunk and blab to them. Like, not realizing who that she was talking to my friends. You know like my friends’ wives like you know, people who they liked me better than they liked her. Yeah and she didn’t realize that. And they told me a lot of stuff like they were. All right, she just wanted kids out of you. That’s all like. She just wanted your DNA. I mean, it’s it’s cruel and it’s sad and I did not go, I didn’t turn. To go.

To the, um, Sprint mart, I guess, that’s okay.

I’m going to Sprint more. This is kind of a nasty place.

The Sprint. Mart is kind of a nasty place. This app pisses me off so much. Shoot, you know, it’s like it it it put like a consciously puts like something really just not at all. What I’m saying or the opposite of what I’m saying or something, and it does it a lot. I edit a lot of this crazy shit out. I do but uh, yeah, I don’t know. That’s what fucked me up. So bad about the divorce is my ex-wife and made me like scared of women And I was just, you know, it took a while for that to like really kind of get ahold of me too because you know, the first thing I did after the divorce was get a girlfriend. And she was actually a really good person except for some sex Kinks. That were absolute deal breakers for me. Yeah. Oh yeah. That was why her and I broke up. That was the big reason why her and I broke up. I mean, she was really mean to me on my birthday 1 year because she was. Well, and that’s what’s so crazy is, after my ex-wife sobered up, she tried to get me back, it was fucking weird and I guess, uh, she the girlfriend picked up on it, you know. And, And I was, Just like you fucking asshole cuz I went and spent my birthday with the kids and, uh,

Well, I’m at the racetrack now.

Well, I’m going to go in here and get food. I’ll be right back.

Oh, what?

Bunch of Shit. Of course, I don’t have like,

Kind of,

Weather. Yeah, the weather is fucking crap It’s windy and crazy out here.

Yeah, I’m not parking. It’s cold too. Like, I am not parking where I wanted to park.

But like my lungs and my chest and everything has is clearing up a lot. It’s cleared up a lot.

I got 2 Breakfast pizzas.

2 pizzas of breakfast pizza.

You know, I would though if I had my jacket, Yeah, I would totally if I had my coat. My coat’s in my room because it’s been 70°. You know. And like I wake up and it’s some fucking cold and windy and rainy and And I didn’t know that. So, Yeah, the weather is just Surprising me lately.

But yeah, I was just so crazy, you know? It was And uh, now you know, I mean I don’t

I can’t, I mean, I just I care about my ex-wife, I don’t think there, I think there was a lot of stuff about her that. I didn’t understand, but there was a lot of stuff about me that she didn’t understand about, like, how much

I genuinely loved her. And uh, You know, I mean,

Like, if she hadn’t got to keep the, if I, if I had not let her have everything, like she needed something to keep her head above water. Yeah. Or she would have drowned and I just knew the kids didn’t need a dead Mama because there were some incidents

Quite a few actually that happened, you know up like before we got divorced that scared, the absolute Fucking hell out of me about her dying. But yeah. And I mean it was that bad. Yeah, it was that bad.

Her drinking. And

Pill addiction and stuff was so bad. And of course now, you know, she’s Happy and great. And like, She’s nice to me finally, but the thing to me, Was just so fucking stupid because it’s like, I could have, had anybody I didn’t have to marry you, you know, I didn’t have to marry her I married her because I loved her. I loved her more than anything. And anything short of that, I wouldn’t have married her. You know, if I just loved her, somewhat okay? And she was just, you know, But she was also my first love. And I didn’t have any prior, like any real prior relationship experience. I just I wanted to love 1 woman forever and she’s who, I thought I got it and that, you know, that sounds that might sound like, you know. But, Like, that’s not like that’s not trivializing it at all. It’s like that was She was my entire universe. Like our relationship was the foundation of My reality and I still like I’m choking up saying that right now. I’m still fucked up about that. I still cry over her and even though she gets fucking Botox and lip filler and fucking she’s had all kind of cosmetic surgery done. And I know, right? Um,

Like, I just

Uh, you know, her and I were so fucking different. Oh my God, it’s just it still hurts. Yeah, that is my point. I’m not like, you know, I’m just saying her and I are fundamentally. Just so insanely different. The way we thought about the world, the way we looked at ourselves, you know, in the world The way we thought about other people, the way we related to other people and the world and ourselves. You know what I mean? It was just so different. She’s a Suburban, white girl. She’s an upper middle class, Suburban white girl. Like my like the boss lady roommate. My ex-wife’s sister had a coming out party like, but that’s the thing like the boss lady roommate, her dad’s a lawyer, you know, that’s, that’s upper middle class. Dude, and my ex-wife’s Dad, is, he was a CPA, And uh, you know Fucking, um, her mom was a nursing instructor, she made pretty good money, you know what I mean? They lived in a big 2-story house. You know, uh,

And the only people I ever knew growing up that had 2-story houses, were you know, Rich fucking people. Yeah. Upper middle class for Alabama. That’s upper middle class. Yeah, I don’t know how that’s classified, you know, across the map but

I’m just Backwoods country. Trash is what I fucking am. Yeah, it’s kind of funny.

Well, at least I got like the fourth parking spot down. I have got to fix this headlight, too.

Oh my God, I wish

Uh, had my coat.

I don’t even like this pizza. Yeah.

I don’t even think I’m going to eat it.

Damn. Well, I have a warm shirt in here or something.

I don’t know. I don’t have anything.

It wasn’t that cold when I left the house, though. What’s the temperature even?

5:08 AM
It’s 43 degrees. Yeah. And, uh, it’s supposed to get up to like, 55 this afternoon and, uh, tomorrow, it’s supposed to be almost 80 and then Monday, it’s supposed to be fucking, I think there’s a high of, like, 40 something 48. I think,

So everything’s just retarded. Yeah. I thought it felt cold in my room. When I woke up this morning,

But uh yeah, that all that though was like and that’s that’s kind of what I noticed about the boss lady roommates. A lot of her friends are like that too. And all my ex-wife’s friends are like that, you know? Cuz they all went to the same, you know, high school and Stuff. But my ex-wife’s 1 of the most intelligent Fucking, you know, badass chicks. I know.

I mean, there was a reason though, why? I didn’t just you know, Fall in love with some bullshit. You know what I mean? God,

Oh God, like it’s just, I loved her.

I loved her so much, and I never thought it would. I thought we would be together forever and ever and ever, but I guess, I don’t know. Yeah. Having a dream about Davey dog, you know, it was great to see Davey dog and hug him and pet him in my dream, as I woke up and I could feel his presence And that’s how it goes when I dream about my dogs. And he was the best 1. Yeah, he was the first 1. He was a, a fucking like a hero champion of a dog.

And um, You know, everybody always like looked at boat, you know? Because he was more colorful and had a like this really odd personality for a dog. But Davey was his hero too. And uh, Gneegnerz, you know she was uh,

Always kind of used to joke that I wish I could find a woman. And this was after the divorce. Yeah, that would love me as much as Gneegnerz did. Uh, I don’t know if I found her yet or not, but

I say like I was thinking about Brittany like all the crazy shit she did but she did all that stuff because I ran from her, you know, I couldn’t help it. I was just like, I don’t know, now I’m just talking about the same crap over and over and over, right? But I mean, for real, like I wish that, you know, I wish I had another wife but like the next 1, You know, I’d say, like, you know, a lot of times I’ll sometimes I’ll talk about, you know, if I could go back and, you know, Like, with my ex-wife, you know, I wasn’t

Uh, I was, you know, I was actually, really great overall. I was, but I wasn’t perfect and I would go back and be perfect. I didn’t know how to be perfect, you know. But the next 1, I’m going to be the most perfect.

Fucking dude, I can be, you know, gosh I just

I really do. Wish I had a lady. I wish I had a special lady to mash and pet and love. And Just marry her. I want wife number 2. Yeah, I don’t know. Like that’s what I’m looking for. I guess. I’m not looking for just some you know stupid bullshit.

I mean, I could have that with fucking anybody like I could just, you know, I could go have mindless sex and get lost in a whirlwind of other people’s crap. I just don’t, that’s not who I am. Yep, 1 woman forever.

I just wanted to love 1 woman forever, that’s all I’ve wanted. That’s the that was like the main theme of my life until my kids were born. Then I’m a musician and an artist and I guess I’m a Blog poster too hahaha. Hahaha

Oh, My guy at it.

I said, oh my God. Jeez. Okay app.

Thank you, please.