Monday morning

5:06 AM
Oh gosh, what am I doing?

I’m driving to work.

Well, I did it. I overslept by like An hour.

Like my 3:30 alarm, I didn’t even That didn’t even wake me up? I didn’t wake up. I didn’t wake up until my 4:30 alarm.

Yeah, and I didn’t get up until I had snoozed

It a bunch? Yeah. Oh gosh

I miss my kids.

Yeah, I do. It’s like

Something that I just. Somehow still feel like a huge giant fuck up about. Or and you know especially for a really long time. You know, but living 2 hours away from my kids now makes me sad.

But for a long time, I just Hated. Hated myself.

For like,

Just the way everything.

Went but it I mean it wasn’t my fault you know it was just really weird. I don’t know. I just I woke up this morning kind of sad. I really do miss my kids. It sucks.

And,

I really miss.

Having a family and all that and

It’s just crazy. It’s like, I put so much of everything I am into all that. I mean, I know it’s been 8 years. But it’s it just hasn’t gotten a lot easier. It hasn’t gotten any easier.

At all.

I really wish I had a girlfriend or something.

I wish I had a lady.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll find 1 soon.

It’s like I said, I guess and 1 of those posts. Last night. Uh, I’ll have been single Tomorrow. Yeah, for fucking 5 years.

Damn it. It’s cold. Yeah. It it got cold. My voice is so fucking messed up.

That makes me, uh, Sad to.

Sad also. Yeah.

It’s windy and cold.

The new roommate chick. She texted, uh,

Like 12:30 like hey how’s all this stuff like the weather and all you know, and everybody is asleep. Uh, I think I had just fallen asleep about midnight, though.

I just thought that was funny. She texted because the weather got really bad. And she was, uh,

She was going to come home, but then all the crazy weather happened and it was it blew the garbage can over.

Yeah, I just totally didn’t get it back up, either haha I don’t know, it’s just Sometimes I get really burned out on having roommates.

All, but the funny thing is when I’m in my room, Uh except for when their dogs are barking and the new roommate is clumping around whatever the heck she does, uh, it didn’t really seem like I have roommates. Like, I just I’m like all by myself in the whole world. Except when I have my kids

You know.

But I still do. I get like this weekend? I don’t know the boss. Lady roommate. It’s just like, you know, are you are y’all staying here? Because Saturday I was like you know, we’ll be back later cuz we had to come back and get some stuff. Uh, we left out Saturday after we set the posts, after my son, and I set the posts. And uh she was like I was like you know we’ll be back later and she’s like are you all staying here tonight? I’m like No, we got I got a hotel room because we’re so much. And she’s like no, oh no, you’re not. Y’all can stay here. It’s okay for them to stay here for you to stay here with your kids. She got emotional about it. And uh, I’m like really? Because, I don’t know.

I remember when I was first talking to the boss lady roommate, I guess my pre moving in interview.

I’m not really a kid person. That’s what she said. She’s like, I’m not really a kid person. And I’m like, well, my kids aren’t normal. And uh I don’t know. Like they started like Saturday morning and when we got to the house we were going to follow them to the Lowe’s.

The new roommate, she started cussing about a bunch of stuff. And then she saw my kids, she’s like, oh well, never Vermont. Haha tnever mind. Yeah and I was like, they’re not normal kids and she just laughs. She’s like, my kids aren’t either but her kids kind of are. Yeah, I was looking at her Facebook 1 day at her kids and stuff because she doesn’t raise her kids. I think her mom. Is Raising her kids and then, you know, the other roommate that took me back and forth to work. Like I don’t know how many times I’ve heard her say she’s glad she never had kids. And then she never wanted kids and all this stuff. And I’m just like well

That’s the roommates. That’s the kind of roommates I have. I have 2 roommates, who who are like.

Just all about not having kids and then you know, 1 who

Has kids but doesn’t raise them.

Yeah, I was poking around last night about her on Facebook. And I mentioned that before that, like, um, she dated, this guy that I’m friends with from that Latin group up here in Huntsville, this was

Shit, you know. 12. 13 years ago. Yeah, this is like 2013.

2014. Yeah. And I added a bunch of people from that group. Uh, they weren’t

All, um, at the same on the same. Wavelength as me about Latin though but uh, It was cool to see other people who were interested in it. Yeah.

But I was trying to poke around like I don’t know how long they were together, but I was looking at his stuff and the best I could figure is that she broke his heart. Yeah, but I don’t know what exactly happened. I really don’t.

Um, like He had made some posts like this was back in 2022. I know I’m like, borderline going off, talking too much about stuff, but he he made a post about how like they were going to be kids, coming to his house and I was like, oh, okay. And then it was her kids. Yeah. And then like

2 months later, they had broken up.

But it it was really crazy to read like their posts, like his posts and her comments, their comments back and forth and it was like it, it seemed like they were really, you know,

Oh, in love or something. I’m not really sure. But then she had posted about how she was homeless. Or something and she wanted to live in an RV. I don’t know, you know what I mean? I just Like, and he like care reacted to that.

And they’re not friends anymore on Facebook. So, you know,

I don’t know. She reminds me like I said, she reminds me a lot of my friend Natalie.

I think you know she reminds me more of my friend Natalie that she does my ex fiance I guess that. Just because of the music. I don’t know. And I guess I’m just trying to relate that to something so I can understand it. But uh, Yeah, gosh. She is so fucking beautiful.

Um, but I don’t I don’t know. I can’t live there forever. Like, my goal is to move out of there sometime this year.

I think I got bitten by fleas.

And that’s another reason. We haven’t stayed Yeah, is my daughter gets bitten by fleas.

On the farm. Yeah, I’m on. Bitten on the phone.

Oh,

I said, uh, girl.

I have to get like my brakes checked out. The brake light is on.

I need new brakes. Yeah, it’s not like

The end of the world. But I wish I had 1 more day off. Yeah, I don’t know if I’m going to get that. I think the whole uh, week is booked up on PTO.

I just can’t bring myself to go to the gym. Yeah.

I just don’t feel like dealing with, uh, Being freaked out by a gym girl. Haha. I know, it’s so stupid.

But yeah, I don’t know like I’ve got my voice is fucked up again. It’s Really annoying.

Um, but like I guess kind of what I was talking about last night like how I feel, like my life is just gone on for. You know, I feel like it’s like a show that’s going on for like, a few seasons too long. This is kind of what I’m talking about. It’s like, why can’t I just sing? You know, why? Why is my voice fucked up? Why does that have to be a thing? I’m dealing with. You know.

Because my singing voice is my greatest asset. Yeah, like musically and stuff.

I don’t know. I just feel like

I’m ready for something really awesome either. Really awesome to happen. You know, to change like

Like the just Me going blah about everything, like I have this so far this year, it’s been like this whole year so far. Haha Um, or just fucking, let me die in my sleep or something.

Like gosh, you know? I was, uh,

I don’t know. I’m just like, I’m so burned out. Yeah, I’m burned out on life on planet Earth. You know, the stuff that makes me happy like Music, my voice is fucked up. You know my kids I see them every 2 weeks. And I get to keep them, you know, for the weekend, like Maybe once a month. Or something.

It’s just You know, I and I don’t care. About a lot of stuff like I used to. I used to think, you know, I was going to do all this good and You know, fix the shit at in the world, for the world. I don’t know. This is how I used to think and, uh, you know, I don’t feel like that anymore. I don’t feel like there’s anything. I can do that really matters besides just being a decent person and, you know, Sometimes I feel like my kids. You know, uh,

Not like they’re better off without me but like, it doesn’t matter in the long run like, they’ll be like, yeah, our dad. We had a crazy fun Dad but he was really crazy. And, Like that’s it, you know.

I really just. You know short of something really awesome happening to me. Like the the way you know my life has been the last few years. I had some hope though uh like some real hope. Like 3 years ago.

Uh then everything just started falling apart, thanks Brittany. And then um but like you know, I just last, I don’t know, I just I’m burned out, it’s like when I got this job, I was like, yeah. And then, you know, fast forward a year later and it’s like well,

5:25 AM
Um, gosh, you know, I’m just burned out on everything, it sucks.

I guess I’m going to stop up here at the racetrack.

And get. I don’t know, maybe they have some decent stuff out because it’s 5. Almost, it’s 5:30 almost. Yeah.

Oh my Goodness

Well, that sucks the fucking

Racetrack ain’t worth a fuck.

The last, uh,

Gosh, I want to say the last week or 2, it’s just been, I don’t know if they had some people quit.

Or something, but I think they have actually

Um,

Yeah. Like fuck the racetrack. Good, gosh.

But it’s a little too late to turn around and go back to the Sprint, Mark for breakfast.

Yeah, I don’t know. It picks up the Wi-Fi for Target.

From when I used to work at Target.

I don’t know, I’m just really burned out.

I guess I’m lonely too, oh it Sucks. And, uh,

Now. But, uh, I really do wish I had a girlfriend. Please

Thank you, please.