THURSDAY MORNING

4:25 AM
Oh my God. Yeah.

I’m driving to work. I did, I had to make a post earlier. I got really sad. I’m still like ugh, though. I’m like, blah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don’t know but new roommate. She hasn’t been staying like at the house this week. Oh, maybe she’ll move out soon haha yeah. I mean Well, the thing is, she’s got those dogs and they just go, you know, bark bark, bark, all over the fucking place and I went to get a shower this morning and 1 of those. Dogs or both of them. Had tracked mud all up. In the bathroom, in the shower and everything. And it’s like, okay. Like that’s, you know and then she just leaves You know, a bunch of Muddy fucking paw prints. All in the shower, which could have been easily like rinsed out when it first happened.

But that’s just the kind of person, you know, I mean when I first met her I was like, whoa, what a fucking Cute. You know, beautiful lady but I just, I don’t know. I don’t really.

Without going off, you know about it. And that’s the thing. Like, I think I’ve bitched more about my roommates in the last month and Than I have ever but I don’t know. I’ve about had enough of roommates. Yeah. Like you know, I could say like the boss lady roommate, she’s the best 1 and all but these are not my people. They’re just not my people.

I need to find somewhere to live.

That has like, You know where? I don’t have roommates. Haha, yeah, I don’t know, I’m so burned out on life right now, although But it’s not bad, it’s just I’m tired, I think with a lot of it. And I have, It’s just the same thing over and over and over, and You know, I got the kids this past weekend, I didn’t rest and, you know, they were being kind of Like,

They just didn’t seem like they had a lot of fun. Yeah, I know. And I feel really bad about that. I feel like a piece of shit fucking dad. Anyways. Which is not what I wanted. Like, I didn’t want to end up like this. You know, 2 hours away from the kids.

It’s all I fucking that’s all I’ve cared about since the divorce is the kids? It’s like for real. Yeah. You know, I talk about wish I had a girlfriend, oh, you know, my heart and the void and all that, but

Yeah, that’s just like, you know I don’t really.

That doesn’t matter.

Compared to the kids.

And I miss my kids all the time, you know?

I feel like a failure. Not just as a dad but as a person overall, like, I haven’t done anything. Hardly that I’ve wanted to do with my life, like the whole time I’ve been here, In this. You know, incarnation.

I hope that vocal trainer comes in.

I think I said that in my last post. I hope it comes in like today or something. I bet my tongue.

I bet my tongue, you know, I bet I bet is.

I bet my tongue. I bite it, Fuck you. Stupid app. I bet my tongue.

I bet.

I bet.

I bet. Fuck you. This app. I hate this whole fucking world.

Like, why am I here? You know, what the fuck am I doing here?

And what would I be doing if I wasn’t here? Haha. Yeah, I mean, I don’t know.

I’m just alone now.

And it’s always something stupid. You know.

I wish I could meet people that I could relate to. I wish that I could like, I could meet a lady who I could. You know.

Relate to have a conversation with that fucking you know didn’t make me want to blow my brains out. Somebody I actually had something in common with who I could.

Yeah, I can marry them. Haha

That’s kind of what happened in high school though all those girls were just so annoying. They were cute and I loved them. My friend Natalie was 1 of them. Yeah but I didn’t really have a lot in common with them and they were all you know they liked to pass each other around. That’s kind of how all those chicks, you know, and all like my friends, they all did that. I didn’t do that.

Well, I know 1 chick. She had sex with every single 1 of my friends, in like my main friend group,

Except for me. Yeah, and it’s not cuz she didn’t try. But uh, my point to that is

Uh, it wasn’t until I met my ex-wife who could actually hold a conversation and was interesting and fun to talk to That um, you know, went for it. You know, like

I asked her out.

But I really am. I’m I’m really, really burned out on planet Earth. On American, you know. Civilization, whatever version. Uh, the Huntsville Alabama Edition. Of me, you know, the clay Tucker. Yeah, whatever I am.

Character. And it’s not me. It’s not like who I am.

Like my attributes and personality and everything is just like Why am I here? You know, do my kids do they really need me? I don’t think so, I think I’m just, you know, I’m like a fun, happy memory. And I was, I was just I was just the most fun happiest dad ever.

I try to be, I still try to be that way. You know, the kids and I have done a lot of fun, crazy adventure.

And both of them have. My best qualities. They have the very best qualities of me and my ex-wife.

Like my daughter is like, a way better. More intelligent and bigger hearted. Person like version of my ex-wife. And then my son is. A way cooler more intelligent just Great.

Confident. Version of me. And, you know, I didn’t develop like, my real like artistic and creative abilities. Until I got to be uh a teenager like he’s he’s 11 now.

But uh, you know, when I got my guitar when I was 14 and I started drawing and stuff, I always Drew and stuff, but I didn’t really start developing my talents until I was, uh, about in ninth grade. Yeah.

I think I’m going to go to buggies.

To buggies.

To buggies. I’m going to buckys.

Yeah. God this fucking piece of shit out.

App.

God damn it. And it gets so old, it’s God. I’m so fucking burned out.

And I went to sleep yesterday without eating. I mean, I ate a pack of crackers and then like just to shut my stomach up, and then I was out.

I passed out. I ate a pack of crackers this morning. Too.

But I mean, I don’t know, it’s just, it makes me feel bad though because it’s like I should be happy and I should love my life. I just don’t

I just don’t know, you know and my roommates do they get on my nerves?

Yeah, they’re just really self-centered and Entitled people.

I mean they are but they’re like they’re really fragile at the same time.

They’re just, I don’t know. They’re like, A bunch of.

Grown-up. Middle school kids. Yeah.

God knows what they would say about me though. I mean, I’m a slob. I’m a slob and I do a lot of stuff.

That nobody else can do like, fix the fence.

You know. Yeah. And change out the toilet. The sink and

Spend my entire Thanksgiving break painting, a room. That was not worth my fucking time, but it looked awesome. Yeah.

I don’t know, it’s just I’m really burned out on the world right now at least the where I’m at in it. I know I’ve said that a lot. Over and over. And over the last, probably the last The last week.

Yeah.

And I would, I would love to have a girlfriend, but right now I just don’t fucking

I’m annoyed at the whole thing, the whole like,

The whole idea of it, I don’t know what else to call it right now.

But I’m going to go to buckys. And I’m going to get.

Probably a brisket taco. Yeah. Probably and I’m probably going to get

A paddle tail. And I’m probably going to get if they have those jalepeno fucking sausage biscuits. You know, I might get some cookies. I might get some rice krispie treats.

They have those are really good.

I’ll have some coffee.

I would rather have been able to go back to sleep, so, But then part of me is like hey get up and get around, I haven’t been doing that so and I, I got up. I think I got a shower about 3 something. I don’t know, I just don’t like I don’t understand the new roommate other than just writing her off as a fucking Flaky ass, self-centered. And just like everybody else I’ve met while I’ve been living in that house. But what’s like so funny is they’re all friends, you know, I’m like the weirdo I’m probably an asshole to them, you know they probably think I’m a fucking asshole. Or something. Yeah, I mean, I don’t know.

I just don’t click with any of those people.

And that makes me sad because I was really excited about, um, you know. When I first moved up here like roommates. So yay. You know people and cuz I had been just Cramped up, with my mom for almost 3 years and before that, I went crazy living by myself in a farmhouse.

And uh, you know it’s so actually I really liked living in The Farmhouse, that was my favorite place to live.

Since the divorce. Yeah and I just I don’t know, but at the same time it’s like well all I really need to do is save my money.

And uh, you know, I get a bonus, I get that bonus in a couple of months.

Like right at A couple of months and uh, I can probably use that. To find somewhere else to live and I’m thinking about moving to Athens. Yeah, I think I might want to go to Athens. Athens is pretty cool.

It seems pretty cool. I don’t know. But I wish it was better for me. Like, I don’t know. I just can’t.

I just can’t relate to anybody that I’ve met up here so far, but I don’t ever get out. I relate more to my co-workers than I do to my roommates. Yeah, and you know that’s not a lot. So There are some pretty cool people up here, though. There are.

Oh, it looks like oh, looks like uh, the other shift. They are just getting off work. I just passed my work on the way to Bucky’s.

To bies. Yeah, it just doesn’t like to pick up. That word Bucky.

Sometimes it does, sometimes it does great. And then sometimes it just says b.

Oh man.

But yeah, I mean, the only thing that really makes me

The only thing that really keeps me here is the kids I just don’t belong here. I just don’t feel like I belong here anymore.

And I don’t really know what to do. I don’t know where I belong.

No, I don’t. And I’m getting a really crappy signal.

And it’s annoying.

Okay.

Headlights in my fucking face.

You know, and this person could just go around me.

4:44 AM
Going to slow down. Until they go around me.

Piece of shit.

What a piece of shit.

God.

Yeah, I don’t know.

I think I’ll be happy. When I eat, Yeah, when I eat something and I think, That.

I hate feeling like this because I really don’t have

Anything to complain about for. Real other than I’m lonely. And I don’t relate to anybody and I miss my kids. And my voice is fucked up still, and I don’t like that. And I’m Really tired.

Like I need a day off.

I do.

And I really do like, wish that. Oh,

How am I trying to say this? I don’t know, I kind of wish that like my roommates weren’t

Well like the main you know, the boss lady roommate like she’s okay, you know, overall She gets on my nerves about like, the way she doesn’t communicate. Like when I get like like over the weekend when I was doing the stuff, Uh, for the fence and you know, I didn’t have to go

To them with them to Lowe’s. I could have dug one of those holes already. You know I thought we were just going to go load all that crap up but they had already got the curbside delivery. But then, you know, She didn’t check with me to verify anything, cuz I was pretty whacked out of my gourd when I was assessing all that. It was rotation weekend

At the same time though, it’s like I got uh, she never paid me back. Paid me for that fucking bag of concrete. I bought either. Yeah.

Anyways, um, But then, like she was supposed to talk to the neighbors. And she was like, oh I just forgot, you know, just I mean she was kind of a shithead about it and I was like okay well You know I mean I wish she was better about that. She doesn’t communicate I don’t think she really gives a fuck You know, my sister’s like that. Yeah. And um, you know The 1 that took me back and forth to work. She’s a grouchy mean old bitch. She’s been fairly nice to me though. The last few days

I think, I don’t know. It comes and goes. And then, uh, you know, the new roommate

I don’t even know, like, I wish.

That I don’t really even know. I wish she would move out. Yeah, I don’t. I hate I feel that way about her but I just don’t think she’s that great of a person.

Or she would be with her kids. Like, why is, you know, like I don’t understand it. I can’t see past that. That’s all I can see when I look at her is a deadbeat mom. Yep.

Um, shit. Yeah. I wonder, I bet. If I said that to her I wonder if she would like fly off the handle at me about like being judgmental or something cuz they always do that. You know.

I don’t know. People are really selfish and fucked up and some of the most ignorant people that I’ve ever met I have met from living in this house. Uh, but at the same time, they’re not the worst people I’ve ever met. You know, they’re really not.

I just don’t need roommates. I need to get away from Their like, you know, sometime this year I need to get out.

Hopefully, you know, preferably sometime in the next few months and I don’t really have anything at that house. That is, you know I’ve got like a car load of stuff. Maybe 2

Car loads of stuff. Yeah.

Oh, all the people getting off work, I’m hitting them. Getting off. Work. They’re all like getting up on my ass. Being crazy and everything, but I am turning right up here. Bucky is

I’m turning up here at Bucky’s.

This fucking idiots. Oh my God. These people are so dumb that fucking I mean, they do they like I wish. I don’t know how to describe how some of these people drive. Like leaving work. They’re like the biggest pieces of shit I’ve ever fucking seen. It wasn’t that bad? Like they weren’t that bad at the Honda plant. Yeah, it wasn’t that bad.

But the people up here are like cops sit up here and get people all the time for crazy shit. They’ll pass you on the fucking shoulder of the road. Or in the turning lane. You know. They’ll get up behind you if if, if you’re not going fast enough and lay on the fucking high beams, You know, just total pieces of shit. And that’s that’s those are my co-workers. Yeah.

But anyways, here I am. I’m at Buckkes and I’ve complained and complained,

I really though, I wish I could just be happy. I guess I feel better. Yeah. I feel like I deserve to be happy. But I want a day off but I don’t need a day off. I don’t really need to miss the money, you know.

Oh, blah, blah, blah, blah me. Thank you, please.