MONDAY

5:27 AM

Yeehaw. It’s Monday. Yeah, I am driving to work.

I didn’t want to I don’t want to be. Yeah, I need another day off.

I gotta make it through this week.

Then I get 2 and a half days off. Fucking my sinuses. I’ve got an allergy. Like,

Gosh, I did a bunch of shit yesterday.

Outside for my roommate, like clearing up. Uh, some stuff and my allergies are fucking Like my whole left. Side of my face is stopped up.

Its really fucking stupid. I have fought this shit. I have had. You know, some kind of like throat and ear.

Fucking bullshit all year long.

Yep.

It’s pissing me off because I don’t want to live anymore.

You know, like I have stuff I want to do, but

And it’s not like this bullshit is keeping me from getting my Getting my voice back in shape.

I took an Allegra.

Oh,

I don’t know. Yeah. Well, the roommate chick came, uh, and hung out at the house. Last night with this dude. I think I know who he is, but I don’t I mean I don’t know him but he just pops up on the people. I may know on Facebook Uh, but like, you know,

Uh, she did her chores and then she left, I don’t know at some point last night.

But she hung out she was hanging out around outside with her dogs and stuff with him. And it’s just, She is just a mess. Yeah. I just I still can’t believe how much she reminds me of Natalie.

But like, you know?

She’ll probably, uh,

Well, she hasn’t been staying the night at the house. Yeah, at all like all last week. She’s probably going to move in with that guy. And uh,

You know, maybe that’ll be it because

Oh my God, it’s like

You know, I thought the the 2, the couple that lived there were fucking, I thought they were annoying as piss. Yeah, like I don’t know, I’m not going to talk about it anymore. It’s just she’s it’s like God crazy girl. Yeah, but yesterday I had a pretty good day.

I ended up, I didn’t go to sleep until after midnight. So I took a nap and my fucking ear. And throat and stuff is so fucking like stupid it’s so stupid. This fucking stupid fucking world, you know? It’s like why am I here? You know, like what do I, what am I doing here?

I made my kids. You know, I never get to see them.

I talk to them, you know every day but it’s not.

Like,

I just, I don’t know why I’m here. I just suffer. You know, and yeah, it could be way worse. It could be a lot fucking worse.

If it wasn’t for my kids, I would blow my fucking brains out live on Facebook.

I would. Like Facebook and Instagram and Tik Tok, I would have all that live. Yeah. Going and I would just blow out my fucking brains. With a double barrel shotgun.

Yep.

And that is, that has been My life for the last Almost 8 years. Yep, that has been My like,

That’s just where I’ve been. It’s gotten better and it’ll get worse. You know, I was thinking yesterday cuz Stephaniee sent me a friend request and stuff, and I added her again and I was like, you know, I have never been with a good woman like, you know, not like I’ve never had Like a really good woman. Like Stephanie, like I said, she was a good person. She’s a good mom, but she was a shitty fucking girlfriend like the probably the worst Yeah. Overall.

Hannah was worse than her. Yeah, Hannah was the worst but Stephanie was like, almost as bad.

And you know it’s like nothing I did was good enough.

And it’s stupid. My ex wife was the same. Ya actually Stephanie reminded me. A lot of my ex-wife. Like if my ex-wife would have been born into poverty, Yeah, but

You know, I just plain ass damn, haven’t found

A woman. An interesting enough woman.

Uh, to to actually like to seriously the genuinely go for it like since Stephanie.

Brittany like, was the like she was like, my Twin Flame

You know, and and that Tiffany chick, I gave her a shot and she was a liar. You know. But uh, traumatized the fuck out of me

Like that. That’s kind of what I’m talking about, too. It’s like, I’ve just gotten bullshit and it’s really Made me.

Defeated I guess I don’t really know. It’s not a good. Like, I don’t feel great about it. Like, you know, I wish I had a lady though but like Just a lot of times I’ll look at a chick and I’ll just see all the crap. She’s going to put me through. Yeah. You know, and all the dumb shit she’s going to do that will fucking drive me crazy, and she’s going to get so insecure, and she’s going to get possessive and jealous and insecure.

That’s what Stephanie meant by like getting mid-level guys. And that is the dumbest fucking way to look at a human being that I ever like I ever heard anybody ever came out of anybody’s mouth. Like, you know, Because I’m too much. And they don’t believe that I’m not cheating on them and I’m not, it’s like, like, I’m I’ve been single for like, you know, like Stephanie I had like, Oh my God. So much happened in the year and a half. I was single between Hannah and Stephanie that I like ran away from and didn’t get, you know, I had chicks, I had a supervisor, my supervisor that was the 1 who found my blog, threw her self at me, like a fucking crazy person that whole year and You know, I ran from her and I hid from her and women do that to me all the time still, I love them all so much but

You know, it’s really fucked up and I’m I’m Kind of scary like that though

They just don’t, you know,

It’s like, I’m Too much. I remember I was talking to This 1 chick on Facebook dating. This was you know 6 years ago. And uh,

This is before Stephanie. Yeah this was when all this was in the year and a half between Hannah and Stephanie and she was like uh like how many girls are you talking to? I’m like, Just You, you know, And that that was 1000% the truth. And she was like, no way. Like you’re talking you’re at least talking to 3 other girls. Like I’m not and she says you’re too good-looking to be talking to just 1 girl. And it’s like well, uh, That’s not how I am and they don’t believe it. You know, I’m too good to be true. That’s what my daughter said. It’s like I’m too perfect. They don’t, they don’t believe it. They, it makes them. It makes a chick crazy. To have a guy who’s Too Perfect. Yeah.

And it makes me sad. I just that’s what I’m saying. Like I would blow my fucking brains out. Like here y’all go. You know, what else am I doing here? Like, why else am I here? You know.

I apparently, I can’t work on my music and get my fucking Voice in shape, and get my playing and all that stuff. I can’t do that. Because my fucking throat and sinuses have been fucked up for. All for 3 months. Yeah. And it’s just like, you know, I don’t want What am I doing? You know. I work all the fucking time. I’m tired. All the time. I’m lonely when I do meet somebody who seems at first like they might be cool. They turn out not to be and yeah I’m talking about the new roommate too like she kind of sucks. Like she does, she sucks really bad. She’s a deadbeat Mama. And uh, you know, like that’s all I get. You know, I thought I was going to get to being a have a band. I thought I was going to start a band with Peter and he’s just a fucking asshole. Peter is a fucking asshole. Yeah, just like Eric.

And that’s my life. It’s like I got this.

You know, I couldn’t like Pursue a music career when I was younger because my dad never left me alone. And I got into business with him because of his health problems that broke my fucking heart to see and I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t done it. And Marry my ex-wife.

I married my ex-wife And she was just, Really mean to me. All the time about everything and nothing was ever good enough for her, and we were together for 18 years and I could not bear the thought

Of dumping her.

You know, there were sometimes I was so miserable with her. I was questioning my existence, like I am now and it got so bad. After we had kids, it was awesome for me to me but she was so

Oh my gosh, the she had so many issues that was to me was so immature. Like oh my fucking God. How old was she? When we divorced like 34? When we divorced, well, when the divorce was final.

She was.

35, I think.

And uh, you know some of the shit that came out of her mouth. Like the last couple months like few months we were together. Just blew my mind at her, lack of maturity. Yeah and like what she thought about people and the world and me especially it was like what the fuck? But you know she was also not sober. Uh, but that’s part of it, too. Yeah, it was a really like, I didn’t realize how selfish She really. Was. Until the end of the marriage and then it’s like well you know, and then ironically she’s the only 1 who was worth it. She’s the only 1 who’s been worth it you know. And now, I don’t, I it’s so stupid God and my fucking left ear hurts.

It’s like a ear infection, almost.

Yeah, and then I’ll start like I start, you know, and then of course it starts picking up the wi-fi at Target, but I’m at the racetrack right now.

And of course, The racetrack doesn’t have anything out. They’re open though but they don’t have anything out. Fuck this stupid place

I don’t know, I guess. Yeah, here lately it’s like I’ve been

Questioning the whole like just existence period on this planet and this whole planet and everything. And what am I doing? And instead of enjoying myself and having fun,

You know.

Instead of like, you know, living my life to the fullest and being like, Yay life, you know, and having so much fun and enjoying everything. And I’m like, I’m this I’m doing this right here. What I what I this whole post. Yeah. Like yesterday I went and I got food. I was so happy. You know, I came back, I ate too much. I got most of the yard work crap done. I didn’t do my other chores though. I’ll probably have. I’m gonna have to do that shit today. I also kind of don’t care

5:44 AM
Now, I’ve been really awesome. To the boss lady roommate.

About doing stuff. I’ve done a whole lot of stuff for her.

I don’t know, I just

I’d rather be dead, honestly. Yeah, I would.

I can’t relate to anybody. You know, even like my co-workers, that are cool. I still can’t relate to them. I’m so fucking weird and Alone and pointless feeling most of the time. Yep.

And it’s stupid.

It’s real bad. Stupid.

And I’m super fucking hungry right now. Yeah, but but I did eat a whole bunch of food yesterday.

But I feel like crap. I have felt like, bulshit. For like for the whole all year, the whole year, I have felt like shit all year long.

And I’m just I’m tired of it.

You know. What am I, what am I here for? What would I be doing if I wasn’t here? You know what I mean?

Oh God, it’s just like

Thanks. I guess. I don’t know. I don’t know what any of this is. Yeah, I don’t know what anything is. I don’t know why. Hello. Yeah, I just don’t I don’t know. It’s Monday. I’m really burned out. And now everything is picking everything up, stupid and

Uh yes, I’m just that, you know, I don’t know what else to say. I wish I could blow my brains out.

Yep, that’s it, that’s it. Thank you, life. That’s where I’ve been at for 8, fucking years. You know.

Most of the time. I just wish I was dead. Yep.

You know, I don’t know too many other people who feel the way that I feel a lot of people most people. Are happier than I am. It seems that way? Yeah. You know, I just don’t know why I was born, I don’t know why I’m here. Am I Born? Because you know, 2 even more fucked up. Crazy people than me, my parents, you know, got together and had sex sometime around New Year’s cuz I was born you know, in September. You know, is that what happened, you know, was all like a New Year’s, you know, something and then like, here I am, you know?

I mean is that the only reason I’m really here or do I have some kind of purpose?

You know, I don’t understand.

Don’t understand, but I know I’ve got to walk into the plant and I’m almost to a parking spot and it’s going to take forever to edit this. And,

I don’t know.

Sorry. I’m sorry.

Thank you, please.