MONDAY Evening

5:15 PM
Well. Yep, I am driving home.

Turning on the interstate I had to get gas. I think I got enough gas. To get back and forth to work.

Tomorrow, and Wednesday.

Well, gas has gone up a lot so it’s not You know, 5 dollars doesn’t go as far as it did a month ago, hahaha.

It sucks. Oh my God. There was this little Hispanic girl that I was talking to today and she I don’t know why I didn’t ask for her number. I like I feel really stupid about it after the shift ended Yeah, she was just the

Cutest little thing.

Which is like uh she worked for 1 of those auxiliary companies. They don’t rotate shifts. So and that’s that’s the thing it’s the last week of the day shift. And uh, I’m going to go to nights next week and it’s just going to, it’s just going to suck. And I thought about all that, all it went through my head, all the like, the realistic stuff, you know. And she’s really cool and sweet but

I should have asked for a number. I don’t know. I don’t. I’ve been, I felt like crap today. My sinuses are fucking

Killing me. I got like yesterday doing the stuff outside and fucked my allergies up and I’ve had a rough day. Yeah, I have a headache right now. I have a sinus headache. Fucking sucks.

But I need to do at least try to do some of my chores and stuff. I don’t know, like the boss lady roommate is just going to have to cut me some slack.

On chores.

Yeah.

God. I wish I would have asked that chick for her number. You know, she’s probably in her early twenties but she Oh my gosh. Yeah, she kept like looking at me, making eye contact with me, you know, giving me that look, you know. Gosh. And I was just like, It freaked me out a little bit, which tells me, I’m still not ready. But at the same time like I should have, at least. I just didn’t I felt like shit. You know. I wasn’t Like if that would have happened last week? Friday or something, I would have been like, yeah.

Oh my God. What was the other day that? I uh, went to a a it

Um I ate at Los Trojas that was last Monday. Yeah, that was fucking you know, if that would have happened then

Then, uh, you know, I just Last week all last week, I was in that frame of mind. Yeah. And until Saturday,

Yeah, I should have asked. For her number. I should have added her on Facebook. She didn’t speak English so well, she didn’t speak a lot of English and I liked that. It’s a Oh my gosh, she was so cute. Yeah.

Well, you know, I think I’m a could got away with 5 dollars of worth of gas. I’m just I’m at my last little bit of money and I’m probably going to end up asking my ex-wife to borrow money. To borrow 20 bucks again, because I’ll let 1 of my friends. Borrow. Well, I gave her twenty dollars, I won’t ever see that again. I have given her a quite a bit of money. Yeah, the last Few months. And uh, she’s she actually sometimes she gets pushy about it. And it’s like well, okay. Uh I don’t know, I don’t know what she does.

Damn. I wish I would have asked that chick for her number. I know that’s going to fucking that’s going to drive me crazy the Probably. All the whole rest of the fucking day. Yeah.

I just I wish this could have happened last week. I was like I was up for, you know, any kind of crap last week.

I just wasn’t. I’m not I don’t feel good today. Yeah. But I am way overdue for a new romantic, like entanglement Jesus, somebody just passed all of us. Uh, this is like a traffic jam and this person just fucking I mean, just blazed by everything on the fucking shoulder of the road.

I don’t understand. That was really.

Unsafe. Yeah. God. Fucking damn it. I oh my God. I wish I would have asked for her number.

I am so exhausted.

I have just.

I don’t know. I’ve just been questioning everything. Like what I’ve been doing the last

You know. Shit, 8 years, my whole life really. Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t understand anything anymore. I’m just existing. I just exist here. Now, you know, I have a past, I think And a future. I don’t know anything about. I just wish I would have asked that girl for her number, Oh, it’s killing me now. Jesus, get out of my brain. Oh, my God. Oh God. You know maybe tomorrow uh, yeah. I don’t know.

It feels kind of like a, Like a October, like a mid October day right now. Yeah. But it’s you know, the middle of March well it’s actually towards the end of March

That’s going to drive me nuts. Isn’t it? Not asking that chick for her number? Yeah, I mean, I’ll see her tomorrow. Probably, I don’t know. Usually there’s a Haitian girl doing her job. She’s like checking some kind of cable hole. Uh, for a quality coming in and that’s all she does, is shine a flashlight and look at this hole like for every car that goes by and the rest of the time, she just stands there. And it looks awful and boring but she probably, you know, she probably doesn’t make. You know, $18 an hour if that I would be surprised if she made. More than that. Yeah, but she might, I don’t know.

It’s just really funny.

But the Haitian chick wasn’t here today, that I’ve noticed and that Girl was taking her place.

And uh, it’s just going to drive me crazy. But I’m also too tired to be driven that crazy.

Yeah, I just don’t feel good. And I’m sad about my life.

You know.

I’m sad about myself and I don’t understand this world anymore, everything used to make sense. But through, like,

Just, Failure after failure after failure.

And things going. Not the way I ever think they’re going to. And how I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore.

And I just don’t understand anything, but it’s because of like, You know, over and over and over. It’s like, nope. You think you are going to do this? You have plans to do this? Oh no, you don’t, I mean yeah. But Good. Like, no.

Like, nope, that’s not going to happen. That’s not going to happen. That’s not going to happen. That’s not going to happen right now. That’s not going to happen. You know, over and over and over and over, like, I’ll get something in my head and then it’s like, nope, that’s not going to happen. And over, and over of that, from that, doing that over and over.

Has made me feel even more alien. And like, outside of

Reality. Like, you know, I don’t feel like I exist in it as much as I’m just like.

I don’t know, and some of it, I think is the car factory. And uh,

How tired I am all the time, and

How I was? It’s all it’s been always been some awkward. Weird bullshit with chicks.

Ever since, uh, the divorce, I mean. My whole life though, really if you want to just It’s just like, why am I here? What is this? You know, God, I wish I could. I wish it would pick up how I’m saying that it’s like

I got a bunch of songs out of it. I got this blog and I got my kids. But like I don’t get anything real or something, it’s weird. Like with like people, I like, I barely can even make friends anymore. And it’s always something weird. And that’s just it all. It’s done is yeah, it’s pushed me like further out side of You know, Earth or reality. Yeah, this reality it’s made me. It’s made it more and more objective. If I suggested, My subjective experience. Uh it has been like subjective. Yeah, I don’t know why it was hard for me to say it.

Uh, but I just feel

Like more and more like I don’t belong. Detached? Crazy.

It’s it’s it’s going to kill me. You know? Not Asking that chick for her phone number? Yeah.

God.

A little bit. Okay. Yeah I said it will be okay. I guess too because I really just want to focus on my music and getting out and playing shows.

I don’t know. I don’t want to. Over complicate, like a woman is going to come in and try to take over my life.

Is she though? Yeah, they always do and she’ll uh, you know, I’ll I mean, I don’t know, I don’t know that what she wants out of life is what’s going to be best for me which is going to want, you know, her expectations of me because that’s why I never did shit when I was married to my ex-wife. Like, she just she didn’t want me to be a rock star. She didn’t want me to have a music career. She didn’t want me to, like, she wanted me to work, and come home and be her fucking servant. And you know, like she wanted me. I got so fucking depressed. It didn’t work out that way, you know? But like, she didn’t want me to do me. She wanted me to do what she wanted me to do. Yeah.

She was really. Probably the most controlling and possessive of all of them. Oh yeah, by far. Yeah, by far, I mean she’s really the only 1 who mattered

Like for real, you know,

And I’m just not where I want to be. In life.

Uh so where I want another, you know, some chick to come in and just boss me around until I’m dead. I don’t know. That’s like that’s like in I don’t know. That sounds really stupid, doesn’t it? Yeah. Um, That’s also how tired I am. I guess my reasoning though. But I still wish I would have asked her because I, I really like her. Yeah, I really like that chick and like I could just speak my crappy Spanish and get better with her.

But I want a music career. I don’t want to work in a factory forever. I want to do something different. Like I don’t know. I’ll probably work here for a while, you know, but I don’t know that I want to work here forever. I don’t fit in.

You know, I’m too weird for a factory.

It’s too weird for factory co-workers, you know? I’m I’m just as I am.

Yeah, I don’t know. That’s how I feel.

I’m too normal for roommates. Yeah, there we go. I don’t know, I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know anything, I’m just tired now. I’m blabbering.

Mostly just to keep myself awake

Hey, there’s somebody from Marshall County. Up here in Huntsville.

Yeah, I do though, I really do want a girlfriend.

That girl would have been. A lot of fun, I don’t know. But I would have loved her and it would have been like just

Love. Yeah, it would have been like

5:31 PM
Oh gosh. I don’t know that I could have gotten it. We would have gotten. I don’t know. I’m just I’m gonna have to stop. Okay, thank you, please.

5:46 PM
Really? It’s hard, baby kitty.