Me

1:28 PM
Gosh, I just woke up.

I might go back to sleep, but

I’m really tired. Yep.

I don’t know. I just think about.

How if it wasn’t for my kids? I would kill myself.

Sometimes. It’s something I struggle with every day.

This whole world is just fucking bullshit to me. But like it could be so much worse, you know?

It has been worse, it’s been

A whole lot worse.

I’m actually fairly comfortable like physically. You know, I still have plenty of money. And um,

I have a bad.

A bad. Yeah. I have a bad.

I’ll lay in a bed. Thank you.

This app is so stupid. My voice. Like I’ve just been fighting this. I think it’s allergies. I think I’m allergic to 1 of these cats because my daughter is

And as soon as we got out of this house like got into the hotel, Saturday she started feeling better. It was weird. She was sneezing. And coughing and all that.

Which is another reason I can’t keep my kids here.

I miss them all the time. It’s really just.

1 of those things. It’s like, I didn’t want to end up 2 hours away from my kids, but then I don’t know where Else I could work. And make this much money. Besides Honda? Hahaha

It’s um,

I’m pretty fucking miserable, really? Yeah.

I mean that was a huge reason. I went to Honda because it was closer to the kids. And I think about that, you know, it’s like

Gosh, that was 4 years ago.

It seems longer ago than that, honestly.

My chime app is being a piece of shit.

But I don’t know, it’s always it’s just funny. It’s like The what’s like makes me Miserable and sad isn’t my brain. It’s circumstantial

Yeah, I just haven’t ever gotten over being married to like the meanest.

Most selfish fucking Person, I could have ever married. For, after being with her 18 years. I just I’m not the same person I used to be and I’ll be like

Sometimes It’ll just It’ll hit me really hard. I’ll be laying here. Like I woke up. I said I just woke up, I guess I woke up about 45 minutes ago or something.

Just laying here. And it’s like, dang.

What the hell even am I you know what even is?

Planet Earth. Nobody knows anything. Nobody knows why we’re here.

It’s just a platform for experience, but my emotional attachments are so strong. And it’s really the only thing left is the kids. They’re not very strong to myself at all.

But anytime I get them like for an extended period of time and we have a lot of fun like we did over the weekend. When I take them back, it just makes me depressed as fuck.

I’ve still never gotten used to not being a part of their daily lives and I was way more involved with that than my ex-wife ever was Of course, she does almost everything. Now, you know, she kind of has to, but when we were together,

I was the 1 who got up with them in the middle of the night. I changed. 90% of The diapers. Yeah, it was so fucking She was so lazy and selfish.

And entitled.

I just, I don’t know. It’s like I feel like I lived my life and it’s just Do you know? I don’t know what I’m still doing here. Except, maybe it’s for the kids.

Because me for myself, I’m just

I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m not happy.

I don’t know, I don’t really know what to do to be happy and it’s always something. It’s like, I can just be doing my music or anything. My voice is fucked up. It’s been fucked up for 2 months. And I don’t know why it’s fucking like.

It just makes me want to kill myself. And I need to clean up my room, but I don’t care. I don’t really care.

I’m so tired. Yesterday, or last night, at work I guess.

I was so just

Exhausted. Everybody was though. It wasn’t just me. I’m just like, you know, what am I doing this?

You know, why am I doing this for? I mean, it’s the money I guess, because I’ll get paid next week, but I’m just going to spend every bit of it on something. You know it’s not going to last but you know a few days and then I’m broke again. And I’m broke right now even though I have enough money for food. And gas and stuff. And I’m okay. It’s like

Stupid. And I was thinking about, like, Gosh, 6 years ago when I started that. Quality assurance job. Yeah, that was right before the Corona virus and all that shit.

Hit.

Yeah. Thanks for picking up that last word.

Um,

I was so excited because I finally found a job. Where I was making enough money again that I could get my electricity turned on. I didn’t have electricity for a year.

Um, because I just sank after things fell apart with my ex fiance And that totally ruined my life and I’ve talked all about that, it’s over and over and over. In this blog and I don’t really have.

Anything new to talk about like that, it’s

It’s really weird and my ex-girlfriend. She keeps messaging me. And, it’s

You know, part of me, still cares about her but then part of me, I don’t want to really talk to her ever again. I don’t know why she comes back every 3 or 4 months.

Because also it’s all she ever does, is she just ends up? Yanking me around, but I was thinking about all that. Before I made this post, because everything. All got all in my brains and I was like,

I want to talk about it, but then it’s like the same shit. I always talk about, you know?

I’m hungry.

I don’t have any food here. I need to go to the grocery store.

I couldn’t make myself stay up. I got home about 5:30 and I was out. So

Was it? Yeah. And Walmart doesn’t open until 6:00. Which is stupid.

But yeah, like human civilization like contemporary Society does not interest me at all. Like, not even, you know,

A little bit anymore.

Like, uh, what’s going on in the world of politics right now? According to

The news on my phone.

Something about the war in Iran. I haven’t read up on it enough to even know,

That’s how out of the loop. I don’t know because It’s seems like human beings are just jacking off.

Like stuff used to have a point, you know, like World War II.

I guess there’s a lot more to that but like, you know, we are still What do I how do I even?

Where do I even start? You know?

People are really selfish. And, It’s weird. How much? A lot of people just don’t care about other people.

4 illegal blows in the space of an hour. The president suffered.

Hello. Okay, I had to take the wi-fi off. This wi-fi sometimes.

Oh, craps out.

I’m guess. I’m also trying not to talk too loud. I don’t know how audible I am outside of this room. I don’t know. I’m not that interesting

I’m not that interesting, although it would be funny if like,

I mean I took my blog off my all my main social media things. Because I couldn’t stop talking shit about my roommates. So it’s like you’re going to have to You have to look this up now, you have to Google or You know, you have to make an attempt to find my blog now, you know, That uh I really just didn’t want anybody from work. Or my roommates

To stumble upon this because I get stalked. All the time. I’ll look at my insights. On Facebook. Okay, let’s me know like people, you know who like the I guess the demographics of the people who look at my fucking shit. And it’s, uh, most of the Main views come from people who don’t follow me, like are not my Facebook friends and it’s the same thing with Instagram.

It’s uh, it’s weird. And it’s mostly people from work because they pop up all the time on the people. I may know and the suggested accounts on Instagram and it’s all these crazy chicks.

There’s about 8 of them and it’s kind of funny but it’s like, you know, I sure am miserable and alone

There’s this 1 chick up the line at work and I have talked about her before. She lives up the line lives. Haha She works up the line. I don’t know. Um but she’s always stares at me and shit and she kind of reminds me of Brittany. Because that’s what Brittany used to do. And it’s, uh, But anytime I try to talk to her, it just it’s so awkward like it’s it’s so weird. It’s just probably not ever going to happen.

And I was thinking about that earlier because, uh,

I was looking at Brittany’s, Instagram. I was just because sometimes I don’t know if she doesn’t ever update anything anymore. She doesn’t ever post anything on Instagram. I think the last thing she posted was

Almost 2 years ago. I think she got tagged in something last year, but, um,

Was just looking through that, you know, and thinking about all this crazy shit she did to me. And a lot of it was because she read my blog and Read that I liked her and I don’t know if that gave her a free pass in her mind to do whatever the fuck. It was really crazy. But it’s like here’s this chick who doesn’t even have a favorite dinosaur, you know. Haha

Like, she doesn’t even like. It’s just so stupid. Once, I finally, Uh, got the nerve up and started talking to her a little bit.

They are still humping themselves off on the uh January 6th thing that was like over 5 years ago.

All this crap.

It’s just a bunch of soap, opera fucking bullshit.

It just doesn’t seem like it used to be that way. I mean, has it always has been though? But,

I don’t even know where to start.

It just doesn’t seem like it was ever as ridiculous as it is now.

I mean.

It’s stupid.

I’m still trying to read this article, it’s so not interesting. To me at all.

Okay, so a judge.

Ordered the I can’t even say his fucking name, you know um Administration to hold the construction of a 400 millimeter.

400 million dollar Ballroom. Yeah, I don’t know why it would pick all that up as millimeter.

They would have to demolish the East wing.

The judge sided with preservationists, I have no idea. I’m, I’m just so out of the loop.

I’ve seen the White House though. I went to Washington DC in 2009, and that was a lot of fun. Oh, I went another time in 2011. When my ex sister-in-law got married and that was like a quarter of a million dollar wedding. Or more?

I just oh gosh the cake. They had the cake. The wedding cake was this fucking

I don’t remember how many tens of thousands of dollars this fucking wedding cake cost, but that was the wedding cake that they brought out. That was just decorative. You know, and then there was the wedding cake that they served to the guests. And uh it was the best fucking cake I ever had in my life.

And it was so stupid. Uh, because

1:51 PM
People were they got their wedding cake?

Uh, you know, their pieces of wedding cake and they just didn’t eat them. They were just sitting on the table. I mean it was like a thousands of dollar cake. Like a $50,000. Fucking wedding cake. It was something crazy like that. Yeah. And, uh, I was going around eating fucking pieces of the I probably ate a dozen pieces of that fucking cake.

I ate like I just I knew I would never eat cake that good ever again. And so, I was just going around like people who weren’t who hadn’t eaten, their pieces of cake. Because there wasn’t any extra pieces. Yeah, it was just like oh it was the most

Retarded fucking thing. I ever saw it was like, wow, this is what rich people do, you know fucking crazy. Wasteful sacks of shit.

But anyways.

Oh yeah, that’s about As far as I went into that article.

But it. The, the headline was, you know, the president suffers a quadruple legal blow within hours. And the only thing I really

That got into my brain was the ballroom.

There’s 1 where he suddenly leaves in the middle of Supreme Court arguments.

Seeking to end birth rats citizenship.

Birthright. Yes, citizenship It draws me nuts when this thing picks up, stuff wrong, I just, you know, it drives me crazy. And all I would have to do is just go back and edit it, but I have to correct it in real time like by talking about it And I’m not going to edit it. I’m just going to leave that up there.

I don’t know there’s like what I think about the world and how it ought to be like idealistically and then there’s the reality of it and uh,

People are really stupid. Like, real bad. I mean not that I’m some fucking You know, that not that, I’m not right, I had to. Yeah, I’m pretty fucking stupid, dude.

I’m pretty fucking stupid also, thank you. I hate this app and I hate this phone. But it’s the best thing I have.

I don’t know, I remember like, 25 years ago. I was just So grateful and happy to be alive. I was like, oh my life.

I love my life so much. I would just wake up. I would be so happy.

And somehow, I just Ended up, you know, I married. Somebody who was just using me for my DNA. And I got sucked into the business, with my dad who was just using me because he couldn’t do the physical part of the work anymore.

And I became this miserable, like,

I just didn’t think I could ever be that miserable. And then the kids were born and I was happy. I mean, I had my dogs and stuff. I don’t understand, you know, and why I couldn’t just leave all that behind as I couldn’t live with myself. I don’t know. It was so weird. It was like

I loved my ex-wife more than anything and I don’t know what talking about being idealistic. I don’t know why I got the stuff in my head that I did about it. Because it all turned out to be absolute bullshit. But and the same thing with my dad, it was like my dad, my poor old dad, you know, but He was he’s really just a fucking asshole.

And I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t gotten into business with him. And I tried to, you know, ride it out, I hung in there. For about 10 years. Oh, it was a little over 10 years, you know, I did the best I could.

But after the kids were born, you know, I changed Gears. It was great. I loved being a family. I just I married the wrong person. And I just don’t think I’ll ever, you know, I think that was my life. You know, and I’ve just been

Just I don’t know exactly how to describe the state I’ve existed in the last 8 years, but it’s like

I’m not a whole person anymore and it sucks. And I just,

I’m really exhausted and burned out right now.

And I don’t know that.

You know, a lot of times I just don’t feel like it’s worth it like to continue existing here. What would I be doing if I wasn’t? You know what, what like if I just I don’t, I couldn’t imagine really blowing my brains out. Like I was going to drown myself in the ocean of a couple of years ago, you know. I was like well then why, you know, Then what? Yeah.

But my kids love me so much because they tell me that all the time. They’re like, we miss you, Dad. They message me all the time. And it’s like, you know, I just

It’s just been so hard.

You know. It’s like crap.

And that’s what’s so stupid is. It could be so much worse. It could be like the worst. Oh my God. It could be so much more awful. It’s actually pretty good. I just don’t know how to You know, make the most of that right now. I’m so tired and

I don’t know what to do. It’s like what I said. I’m just not a whole person. And I’ve been struggling with that for A long long time.

But uh, I put in for a vacation day next, Thursday, and I don’t really have to do anything this weekend. I don’t have the money. But uh, I’m, you know, I can rest. Maybe I can work on music and stuff that’s That’s the only thing that keeps me really sane.

Uh, In between the weekends, I get the kids. I just can’t relate to anybody either, you know, like at work or my roommates. I’m so

Feel so out of place.

All my friends live. And other states are towns far away.

All my friends, they live in other states or towns far away. Yeah.

The stupid fucking app.

That I complain.

Complain a lot.

But yeah, I guess I do, I feel like I do You know, I did it. I did my life, I did the best I could.

I didn’t really go for myself, you know, I went for helping other people. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I would have been any other way.

Um,

I don’t really I don’t really care anymore. You know, it’s like why am I still here?

But I know it’s probably for the kids. It’s just right now. It’s like I’m not going to see them again until uh, Not this weekend, but next weekend, And I’m on night shift. So I’m probably just going to get them for like Saturday for supper or something.

And uh, you know, but I won’t see them again for 2 weeks. Yeah, it’s like

So, the rest of the time, I’m just like this right here. I’m just like, huh.

That’s 1 of the reasons why I had such a bad drinking problem. And I don’t care enough about myself anymore, like, you know, I’ll get on a workout kick. And I’ve I’ve been really trying to keep that up, but I didn’t do shit for 3 weeks.

And uh,

It just doesn’t seem worth it. It’s like I would rather die. Yeah.

But I’m a it’s a weird. It’s a weird thing to be me right now. It’s like

You know, because the only thing I’m living for is I get, you know, it’s my kids and I don’t ever You know, like twice a month or so and maybe once a month or every other month, I get them for like a weekend.

Well, last month, I got them for 2 weekends but it was because I was on day shift. Yeah, I don’t really get them on the whole weekend when I’m on night shift because you know, I don’t get off work till Saturday morning.

And, Uh, I live 2 hours away. Yeah, they live 2 hours away so it’s like it’s a lot. It’s a 4 Hour round trip. I took them, you know, home.

Um, Monday. And it was 3:00 by the time. I got back home. I took an hour nap and

Yeah, that was it. I just wish I was either my life would get better like that you know and it could be worse and that’s the only thing sometimes it’s just like

It’s so stupid.

You know, like,

I get. I don’t really know what else to talk about.

But um, Yeah, I would love for things to get better and my perspective to improve. You know, about all that or just fucking kill me off. You know, like Jesus Christ fuck you world planet Earth.

Fucking.

I just don’t belong here.

Thank you, please.