THURSDAY

4:19 PM
Hey, oh my goodness. Oh gosh.

I woke up about an hour ago and I had these crazy dreams.

1 of them, the main 1, I had. Before I woke up, I found this picture album and it was interactive with sound and video. Yeah, but it was like a physical picture album. It was crazy and it had a video and audio of this band. I used to be in

Back in the late 90s and it had a video of us playing in on this giant stage like on a cliff. But it was weird. It was in this, uh, Weird venue.

And,

The singer was my friend Justin, but he was dressed up as a Ninja Turtle. Not like a costume he had painted himself all green and had the headband deal around his eyes. And my friend Brandon was the bass player and he kept like teetering over the edge

Edge of the cliff. Yeah. And uh,

Whoever’s picture album, it was it had like 2 little dogs in it and they woke up they had been like asleep. In some weird state

In this photo album for 25 years. And they woke up and their fur had grown all over their face. Thier fur hadn’t stopped growing. And it was weird but they were just like what am I going to do with these dogs now that they’re out of the photo album? And a lot of the pictures in the photo album had stuff to do with my cousin Shawn.

And I asked him, I was like, who the hell took all these pictures and he couldn’t remember. And so we never could figure out cuz they had a lot of pictures of like me. And stuff that I did and I didn’t understand it was weird. It was a weird.

A weird ass dream and I woke up. I don’t want to forget it. Yeah, that’s why I’m talking about it.

I just got out of the shower. It was weird. I like,

I forgot my underwear and I turned the shower on and I go out of the bathroom and grab it and I come back in. And my roommate’s the one who took me back and forth to work she was like are you about to get a shower? And she had to get her toothbrush out of there and I don’t know if it’s just awkward. I’m just, I’m still half asleep. I hope.

She didn’t think I was being mean, you know, I hope not. I’m just like, but I’m off, I’m off tonight and I don’t know what I’m fixing to do. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t really feel like doing anything, I’m tired.

I’m really tired.

This guy that is like, I don’t know, part of like their friend group, he passed away, I think yesterday and I don’t know, she looked dressed up like she was out of she was going somewhere. If it had something to do with that. But he was a really cool, dude, at least, to me, I don’t know.

I know I kinda got on his nerves this was when I was painting, The studio for my roommates.

Oh, I can tell that I was annoying but he was really nice to me. Anyways. Haha

Yeah. I just, I don’t know. I hate it, he wasn’t, he couldn’t have been any older than like 50 years.

But,

Yeah, it’s sad. He seemed like a really good, dude.

Jesus Christ, people are posting.

Pictures of Peter, Still. AI pictures. Of Peter, Still in the type O negative group. Peter Steele. Yeah. Oh jeez.

And everybody’s mad about it, but

I think it’s really sad.

Yeah, that like

He was a really tragic figure. You know, it was it was weird that juxtaposition between the fact that he was like 6’7, he was this gigantic. Like scary fucking guy but he was really sensitive. And the way he died was like,

Really really sad, he just died. You know. And like I think he was

How old was he?

I think he was like 48, let’s see.

Pictures still.

Yeah, he was 48. Which is 2 years like, you know, away from where I’m at. And uh, I was just thinking about all the like psychological stuff that I struggle with.

And uh, you know, it sucks.

And I could have been a successful musician. I probably still could if I put more time into it, it’s just Jesus Christ, I’m fucking exhausted.

That doesn’t make me feel any better either. But um, You know, I went a different route. I married my ex-wife and had the kids and

My kids are better than I am. It’s really funny. It’s like, okay, that makes sense. It makes sense.

So it’s like how because nothing I would have done or accomplished. You know, with a music career, uh, It comes anywhere close to Like what my kids are going to, you know? But shit It’s just, uh,

It’s just funny to look at the big picture that way.

Like, I don’t regret it or anything, it’s just Sometimes. I wonder, you know, if I could have Have or just, I mean, I could not have the same 2 kids with anybody else.

But that was my biggest dream until I met my ex-wife and it just kind of I don’t know when you’re young you don’t think about time and until you know you’re older and then it’s like dang

I still don’t think of myself. As you know 45 years old I’ll be 46 in September and it’s like well you know, I still drive all the chicks crazy at work, which is funny. It’s gotten better though. I think they’ve all kind of realized that I’m not going to talk to any of them.

What would I say? Haha I don’t know.

I don’t, I don’t know, I think I over complicated it in my head.

But if I was like a normal, You know dude it would be different but I’m not.

So, I carry this like deep.

You know, this sounds stupid. It was probably sounds really corny, but like, I have a lot of inner turmoil and I didn’t want to use the word pain but that’s all it is. It’s just like God, most of the time. I’m just like It’s all in this blog. It’s like just let me fucking die. Jesus Christ.

Oh my goodness.

I can’t tell if they were going up or down the stairs, somebody just

Gosh. But I don’t know. It’s just relatable and it’s just really sad to see like, you know this dude like Peter Steele and just he just, you could see him wither up, you know, and just kind of to the point where he was like just a shadow of his like who he used to be in the 90s, you know, in the 2000s, I think he died in 2009, didn’t he?

Yeah. And I mean it just in about 10 years he was you know, and it was all drugs and alcohol and that was because he was so sad.

But he was a brilliant fucking artist, you know.

But that stuff pops up. On my Facebook feed all the time. And, you know, I am type O negative is 1 of my favorite bands, but I’m not like a, you know, like a lot of those people in those groups. I’m not obsessed with them or anything.

But but it is a was 1 of my favorite bands in the 90s them and Acid Bath. And uh,

Tool, although I’m embarrassed to admit that now, Yeah, I used to think Tool was just the coolest fucking. I just thought they were the best band ever until they released. Uh, whatever the album was.

After Ænima, they took a huge. Hiatus, for a few years, it seemed like a huge Hiatus. It really wasn’t.

But uh their first 3 albums. Of course, the first 1 was just an EP and it was kind of crude but like undertow Was um,

Nothing sounded like that when it first came out it’s all like cliched crap now, it’s, uh, Lateralus. Yeah, that was

I mean I wasn’t Blown Away by like because the you know, the transition and the sound I know they got a new bass player and it’s I’m I’m just all this stuff is so old to me to think about it, I’m just thinking about the 90s and music and the bands. I liked, I guess.

But uh, holy shit, they did like from uh, undertow to Ænima

Yeah, I’m gonna have to edit that in

Uh, it was such a leap. It was like, whoa, you know, and I was expecting something like that, and lateralus was not. It was just it bored the shit out of me. I was like wow this is all just formulated. And then the next album, I think I heard a couple songs off of it and it was even worse. And that was it for me for Tool. I never was, I don’t even listen to them anymore. I haven’t listened. To them. In uh,

20 years, at least more probably 25 years, that’s a good safe, time frame cuz it came out. It’s been that long I was going to say like God, I’m tired. But yeah.

I really do kind of want to drive down there and get my kids for supper, but it’s fucking it’ll be 7:00 by the time I get there. And

It’s okay. But I don’t know, I guess all that stuff is just kind of relatable to my own thing because that was my biggest dream is It was this as a kid when I was a little kid I wanted to be a general and take over the world but When I got older and I got into music, I wanted to do that and then I met my ex-wife and didn’t realize that I wasn’t going to be able to do that. Until you know, I was like wait I haven’t done that.

I’ve got tons of songs. I think I’m going to work on some stuff tonight. I’m just I’m trying to get my ass in gear.

I need to eat something. I need to go to the gym.

I can just go to the work gym.

You have nobody cares. I’m wearing my uniform. I went to sleep, I came home. It was like, I went to biscuits Express and it’s not that great the gravy and biscuit was pretty good but The fucking bacon egg and cheese biscuit was not

It’s also funny though to see um how my style like my own personal style has evolved or I don’t know if you can call it that. Uh changed. I guess is a better way to put it. Um, because used to, I was just like, you know, metal and hard rock and shit, just heavy. I like the heavy stuff and it’s still kind of heavy. But uh I kind of transitioned into like folk, it’s like folky music. That I do now. Uh my favorite instrument is my nylon string guitar and I love all my other instruments. You know, I’m not being. A douchebag, but like I just the way it feels in my hands and the strings and how it sounds, it’s all soft and Plucky sounding and Uh,

My voice. So, I’ve had some problems with my voice this year. It’s

Been a huge source of depression because I want it to be perfect right now all the time. And I’ve been battling this. It’s allergies is what it is. It’s stupid.

I got that vocal trainer thing and it’s helped a little bit but it’s like, you know,

I don’t know.

I guess the 1 thing that I was like, My job, is it? It is a fucking

It’s it’s I don’t know what? Even the words to describe it. It’s like my entire reality pretty much except on the weekends and anytime I take off it’s just my job. That’s all I do. And it’s, it’s like that for everybody in general production and I was talking to 1 of the group leaders. Yesterday. I was like, I wish we’d work every other Saturday and he just looked at me, like I was a piece of shit for even thinking that and it’s like, you know,

4:47 PM

Hahaha

Yeah, because everybody’s burned out right now. They’ve been running the crap out of us. And we’ve been getting a bunch of overtime every day and they’ve worked us on Saturdays. And You know, everybody just gets sick of it and sick of each other and that’s how it is man because it’s that’s all we do and it’s over and over and over and over and over. And but I do get compliments because I stay after uh, and clean up and everything. And I do that because it helps me wind down because I’m insane, you know, And I’ll run around all the time. And I’m insane about everything. Um, and it helps me wind down and it lets all the, the crowd clear out. It takes me about 20 minutes to Sweep the line and uh put all everybody’s magnets back in their place on the board. That takes fucking.

A lot longer than you think it would. And nobody else does it and it always gets on my nerves when the other shifts leaves their magnets up on the board. So it’s like well, you know, I guess I do care. Yeah but this uh Team lead chick walked by my line this morning and she was like it’s really sad that you’re the only person that cares enough to stay and do this and it’s like, you know, I guess It is, I don’t know if it’s sad, but I do care, you know, but it’s also because it helps me wind down. And, you know, the rush of people leaving when the, uh, You know when when it’s time to go you know I avoid that that is very important to me I guess.

I get really bad social anxiety. It’s overwhelming. Sometimes. Like really, really bad and uh, I was in Sam’s Club the other day and I just couldn’t Oh my God, I get so much bio feedback from people and it’s just like shit I have to go and I I was going to stay and like look for some stuff but I just grabbed a thing of sushi and left like I paid for it, you know, and I’ll just I got the hell out of there.

I could go get lottery tickets, and then go back, and come back and go to the gym. I could do that. I think I’m gonna. Actually, I didn’t get lottery tickets yesterday.

Oh my God.

It’s not. So it is nice to have a night off in the middle of the week.

I wish I would have put in for PTO for tomorrow, but I didn’t, I want to save it, and I knew if I did, if I got my kids, I would spend all my money. If I had them both nights, like Friday and Saturday, and I’m just going to get them Saturday for fishing. We’ll probably stay somewhere, but

I don’t know, I think I think it’s time for me to wrap this up though. And Go do something. Haha, yay. Thank you, please.