!¡SATURDAY¡!!¡NIGHT(<

6:13 PM
Well, hey

What am I doing?

I am in the dark, haha. In my room. Trying to figure out what I want to do. I’m still on the night shift sleep schedules. So

I’m hungry.

I woke up about. 10.

Thunder and rain woke me up and I was like, oh gosh.

I woke up about 8:00. Yeah, that’s what it was. And I went back to sleep around 10:00.

I woke back up. Maybe at 4:30. Yeah.

Oh gosh.

I think I’m going to work on music.

Tonight.

I still have 13 dollars. I haven’t spent any money. I don’t want to.

I have lots of food.

I’m going to start saving money. This check. I’m going to like

Stop smoking.

Again.

And,

Yeah, my my birthday is next week so it’s like, I’m just going to start over from there.

And and hopefully, everything will get better.

Not that it’s bad. You know.

I really do, wish I had A girlfriend. But like, I haven’t met anybody just interesting enough.

Honestly, I mean helmet girl, seems interesting.

But,

I usually don’t have anything in common with anybody from work. Usually the people I have things in common with are like,

My contemporaries are like other artists and musicians and

Language nerds.

You know, people who, they don’t work at factories. Yeah. I’m kind of weird like in that way because

You know, I Do.

How do I put this?

I’m a special kind of crazy. Yeah, you have to be like Crazy. As hell. All to work.

At a car factory.

Because it’s like, that’s your whole

That’s like, the

I’m not, that’s not your whole world but it’s the basis of it. So, I mean your whole life revolves around.

Your job and it’s not like any other job because it’s It’s super physically demanding on like for 1 Thing. But the swing shifts. You know, you don’t get a lot of work and life balance especially in relation to other people and I, I don’t know, everybody probably does this to a degree, but I take things You know, I’m usually pretty extreme.

Um, but I just like make up all this crazy shit in my head all the time to keep myself from like

Not going crazy because I’m already crazy but like um,

It’s like,

A from becoming too unhealthy. Yeah, there we go.

And, you know, I did, I said in that last post, you know, I think I’m probably just going to take it down and it was really stupid. And nobody read it. So, um, but like You know, people like Brittany like she’s pretty unhealthy even though she doesn’t work at a the second car factory anymore. She did for over a decade

But because I don’t typically have anything in common with anybody. I’ll keep to myself a lot. And I don’t talk to people. I don’t uh, really

Reach out to others or interact with them, except like the people in my immediate area. And I’m like, hey, you know, And I have I’ve made a couple of friends and stuff and they’re cool. And there’s nobody that I just explicitly hate, you know, I mean,

Usually if they’re that awful, they don’t stay there very long.

But not everybody likes me and I don’t like everybody and that’s okay. That’s like,

You know. Human beings. And I am really.

Really weird, you know, and I run around all crazy. I haven’t done a lot of that. This time around on night shift but usually I do usually I run around like a crazy person.

And I’ll grow like my beard will just grow out and then everybody will get used to me with a beard and then I’ll shave it and then it’s like, oh dang, it’s a totally different person. And it’s like, yeah. And then it grows back and I shave it off about every 3 months on average. I think this beard lasted about 3 months. Yeah,

It gets. To be a real pain in the ass. You know.

My ex-wife is going to a 9 inch nails concert tonight with the kids.

And um, My son was like he texted me earlier. He’s like trapped in the car. Going to Nashville.

And, You know, my ex-wife was Just,

Really, it was really funny how she acted about 9 Inch Nails in Trent resner. Like,

Yeah, Trent resner. Really yeah. Okay. Um

But uh,

She was just obsessed with him like like that that was her dude, you know. When he got married to that Chick I think she was. A singer and a dancer

She flipped the Holy Fucking hell out, Oh my God. I was like, haha

Did you think he was supposed to marry you? Haha I mean it was totally nuts

And you know looking back I really don’t have. I have no idea. I mean. I guess it’s because I only wanted to love 1 woman forever and she’s who, I thought I got, but I can’t believe. That her and I were together for 18 years that I put up with her crap for 18 years and you know she just has like no sense of accountability or um anything about like her own stupid bullshit. And that was that like plagued our relationship. It was we went to counseling the last year or so, we were married, you know? Because so she could say she tried everything she could to save the marriage but she didn’t? She just

She just wanted to have kids with me, you know, which is really crazy. Some really selfish, you know, like fake it till you make it, you know, that that was that’s another reason why I’m so screwed up. Like, I don’t, you know, like Gosh, anyways. Um but that’s what the therapist was like, Lady you don’t own your bullshit you know. Like she’s just

She just thinks everything revolves around her all the time. I don’t know. It’s crazy.

Like zero empathy, you know, like she

Just she’s so controlling and possessive. It’s it’s insane and but she finally stopped. Stalking my blog. She used to read my blog every day, and screenshot all my stuff like she was going to like it mattered, like I guess. Yeah. But uh, she’s been really cool to me. She let me, you know, she lets me borrow money. Um, Occasionally up until the last I guess month or so it was regularly but it’s like yeah, I know, I need to manage my money better. But um,

She said a few weeks ago she was like, I don’t have any kind of animosity towards you or anything. You know, like I just don’t, you know Harbor any ill will I’m like, you shouldn’t. Haha You know, I let you have it all when we divorced and I treated her like a fucking Queen of the damn universe. And she was, you know,

But I remember like the crazy shit she fucking after. Like the first couple of years after we divorced some of the crazy ass shit. She fucking Told me I should give up my parental rights to the kids, so her husband can adopt them. And the kids are like, you know, he’s not anybody’s favorite person, haha and uh, Gosh. I remember, um, her calling me up crying a few years ago around the holidays because she was having to do everything by herself, but right after the divorce

She had just gotten so sick of the dogs. She just she wanted dogs, you know, she was why we had dogs because I didn’t care, you know, 1 way or the other. And uh but like she was threatening to take them to the pound. If I didn’t find a place to where I could get the dogs because she was sick of taking care of them and you know, they were just little dogs. They weren’t like hard to take care of.

But she was so mean about everything, the first job I had after the divorce. Well actually After I escaped my um, sister’s Egg Plantation was this pizza place?

And uh, I only worked there for about a month and a half, but it didn’t pay that much. I couldn’t psychologically handle anything else. Okay, I tried to kill myself. Okay. All right, because of, uh, the way she treated me. And she made fun of me. I got out of the Psych Ward. Okay. Yeah. And she fucking made fun of me about that too. And told me she hated me. Like I was this, you know, and I mean I just had to deal with shit like this. And her drinking and pill addiction was so ridiculously out of control but she sobered up finally and tried to get me back and I wasn’t responsive to that in a time frame that she found acceptable. So she turned around and married, this guy who she had been having an affair with. Yeah. Like that’s stuff like that is why I am So messed up, you know? And I don’t talk, I never talked about this shit in my other blog because she read every single post I made up until like the last year or so yeah.

Like 1 time and this was in 2023. I went to see the kids. This was after I had a nervous breakdown and everything and I left my car running because I didn’t think I would be there long. But I ended up just like hanging out because I had missed them so much. And uh, she got into my car. I don’t know what she did. She got in my car and went through my car, cuz when I got in my car I could smell her. I smelled her black leather jacket, and cigarettes and I was like, oh my God. She was in my car and she’s like, no I wasn’t I called her out on it. And she was like no, I was eating tacos, you know like okay. Oh my God.

There’s so much stuff I could say about my ex-wife and then which is why I don’t because I’ll just go off on this crazy fucking rant about it. But uh, oh my God. She has been really, really nice to me the last couple of years. But yeah, like when I worked at the pizza place, she came up there and started telling everybody, I was, I mean, just throwing a fit, raising hell like I was this deadbeat piece of shit. That’s what she told, everybody. And that I owed her money and all this stuff because I only gave her like, I got paid. I think, my first paycheck at that job was like $90 and I gave her Half of it, I think. And uh that was just was not good enough and she was just being so crazy.

And awful about everything and I have screenshots of all the stuff. But the people like, when I showed up the next day to work, they were like

The next time, your ex-wife comes up here, we’re calling the cops on her. Yeah, like like she can’t come in here anymore and it was like that big of a deal. And I told her about it, she was like, oh whatever. I don’t care. Bunch of skanks, that’s what she said, she called all my co-workers, and I have screen shots of all this stuff.

It’s just, you know, I put up with some ridiculous shit from her.

And I don’t know. I don’t know how I did. I don’t know how I was with her for 18 years. I remember when we were living In this apartment. And, uh, and I should have dumped her. Then anybody else would have dumped her then. I don’t know why I didn’t, because I never did stuff like this. I never cheated on her or anything in 18 years.

6:29 PM
And uh, I was supposed to be out of town, I was going to go like work for my dad. We had a bunch of crap to do 1 weekend and everything iced over. And I was, you know, I was supposed to be out of town and he called me at the last minute and told me not to come because everything, you know, the roads were too dangerous, and I just had like this little Kia Sephia, you know,

Uh, so I didn’t go up there and I think it was about 7 or 8:00 at night. These 2 Guys showed up with a half a case of beer, it was like Hey is you know asking for her and I’m like um No, she’s not here. And then part of me wanted to let them in and be like, yeah, she’s just hanging out in the bedroom on the computer waiting for you guys, you know? Um, that right there was like

Oh gosh, it just it’s it. It actually felt great just to get that out and um, I just brushed that off. It’s like You know, I used to find like weird stuff in the apartment sometimes or in her car. And, you know, I just, I knew she did stuff behind my back like, all the time. And it, it really made me crazy because I could I knew that she wasn’t Honest with me and you know, that’s a big foundation of any relationship. And she just never would, you know, she just never would own up or admit to anything and because she didn’t really love me. She just wanted to have kids, she wanted my DNA and that was it. And I loved her more than anything else. Anything in the whole universe. She was like And I’m that’s how stupid I am but it is also how much I loved her, and it’s also why I’m so messed up.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh. I remember like she used to tell me, I had to earn the right to be treated like a person. The last year we were married it was really bad, but she has been sober for a long time now. And the kids are like, you know, they say she’s just like a totally different person. And then she has been really, really nice to me the last couple of years, which is the least she could do.

I saw our marriage falling apart, you know, she was just it just everything she blamed me for everything which it was really projecting, you know, it was All her crap. She just

Nothing could ever be her fault. It was so crazy, she was like trying to make me as miserable as she possibly could so I would leave or something. I loved her so much but I was so dumb. It makes me so sad to really look back on. I guess she

Just didn’t want, didn’t want me anymore?  You know, maybe she never really did, you know, it was kind of crazy. I had gotten so depressed. She had a plan, you know, she wanted to She wanted her 2 kids and uh, I’m not, I’m really sure what.

All that consisted of, but I was just a, you know, an instrument, I was just that, some thing at her disposal I wasn’t

I didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. In her world. Anyways. So I mean, you know, stuff like that. That’s

Gosh. Now that I think about all that and say it and it’s all like right there, you know. It’s like

I sure have been single for 4 and a half years. And it’s like, I’ll probably, you know, it just makes me not even

Care about any of that crap. Like gosh, why would I ever put myself through another fucking relationship? But that’s a pretty extreme you know, example of like something. Yeah, it’s not.

I hate to think that every body would treat me that way, you know, but

Um, I didn’t have a lot of like, positive reinforcement, you know, in the relationships after the divorce, but that’s kind of the thing too, is because she treated me, so awful, for so long it felt normal.

And, uh, so, you know, the next girlfriend I had, she was nicer to me, but she had all these weird sex Kinks that I could not accommodate. But she picked up on my ex-wife, trying to get me back and we had like some pretty big fights about it. Uh, actually on my birthday that year. She was so Just mean and crazy to me. That I dumped her.

Like she almost ruined my birthday. And then, uh, you know, my ex fiance, she was a thousand times worse than my ex-wife.

And uh but it you know, if a woman didn’t treat me like shit, it felt weird. It’s like why aren’t you being mean to me, you know? And then uh,

I was just stupid. Yeah. I mean, it’s not healthy. It’s not good. I don’t know I guess I’m still not ready and I just really it’s not a priority. I just get lonely. You know, it’s it’s a weird like mix having to like there’s the the void which has gotten a lot better you know, having somebody for 18 years and then all of a sudden not you know, that left a huge like

Yeah, a void haha I don’t know what else to call it. Um,

Somebody just sneezed. Bless you.

Hahaha.

My brains.

Yeah, there was like, you know the the vacuum, whatever that created.

Uh, you know, but I really haven’t met anyone. Interesting enough for me to be like, retarded about

You know the Twin Flame chick, Brittany was a huge like exception to that you know how I interact with Co-workers and stuff that was like, that was so crazy.

Anyways, Jesus Christ. It feels good to get all that out though. But uh, yeah. I hope

You know, I think My ex wife, she’s uh, she’s living her best life now, you know, and

I’ve just had 1 set back after another but it seems like everything might be finally. Okay, I hope Yeah.

I got to eat something.

Maybe I’ll eat some Ramen.

Oh, you know I probably will go out and get like a

Some kind of something.

Well, you know, at least I paid all my bills. I was looking at my money. Yeah, I paid all my bills with my last check. So this next check, I should just be able to

Save money.

Oh, part of me wants to go to the dang Star Market, though.

Yeah, and do what? Haha.

Get some chicken and rice.

I love the Superstar Market, I do. I go there once a week or so and get chicken and rice and Turn up green casserole.

Yeah, turn up greens. Okay, the casserole though, they have like cornbread in it. And stuff. I’ve talked about that in a post.

That’s delicious.

Oh man. But yeah, I guess like I do. I have a stalker. Like, I guess Brittany will always be my stalker.

Because I posted that um I made a post on Facebook about the rain earlier and then like almost immediately she pecked on my blog. So, you know, it’s just I just wonder like in her brain or her mind or whatever, like just exactly what I represent.

I don’t think she knows where I live and I don’t think she knows where I work. Um, But, who knows? Yeah.

You know, maybe I’ll talk about that all like just tell that whole story 1 day too, just like I did. Talk about my I’ve never talked that much about my ex-wife. Yeah, but she she’s really the reason I’m like,

So messed up, like looking back. I can’t believe I spent 18 years with her

The kids and the dogs. It’s so crazy that her and I had like, created these magical wonderful things together but like Like, as far as like, Her love for me when it was just bullshit. And you know, I loved her more than anything. It was so crazy. Otherwise, we’d still be married, right? Yeah. Oh yeah.

Well, I don’t know. That’s Yeah, that’s all that’s a totally different direction. I was, I was reading about trilobites earlier and I was like,

Thinking about life forms on Earth and how it all started. And then here, I am as a human, you know, and this human form and my arms and my mouth talking into this phone. And I was going to make a post about all that crap and then I just went off about other stuff anyways right? Yeah okay. Haha.

Thank you. Please.