SUNDAY.

6:11 PM

Okay.

Well, my last post was like 9,000 words. Yeah, it was.

I guess I don’t feel right about. Um, talking. Like, just all the details about the last I mean, the last 2 years I was married was

Well, I tried to kill myself because of it. You know, And it’s like yeah, it was that bad.

And,

That my ex-wife is so awesome to me now, you know. But at the same time, like,

I’m so screwed up. It’s really sad and I try not to, you know, I just, I don’t know where the hell I’m at half the time or what I’m doing, you know.

Like I just didn’t think I would live this long. I really didn’t. And I don’t know, like,

What anything means and I used to not feel like that I used to do things. It used to make sense to me. Yeah.

It’s just, uh,

It’s crazy. I used to never struggle with depression. I used to never have anxiety.

I used to not.

Like be crazy, you know?

I was always the level-headed friend in my friend group.

I mean, I just I was

I don’t have a friend group anymore. Ha ha ha I guess you know people who still do when they’re in their 40s. I mean some people do I don’t know, life is just, it’s just so.

Different for me than it was. In such a way that it’s like, dang, you know?

And I do, uh, I feel like I did like, I’ve lived my life. It’s like I’m a ghost now or something, I’m not? But that’s how I feel a lot of the time.

I just feel like I’m, you know, I’m just a background character like with my kids and stuff.

Because, I’m not an active part of their daily lives. And they are all I really care about.

Besides, you know, I mean, I got my music and art, you know, but that stuff doesn’t really matter. The kids matter.

And I don’t know, it’s just crazy. I’ve got I get, uh, a lot of stuff out in this blog. And I really do need to, um,

Put like links to my Social media and music stuff, my SoundCloud pages. And my, uh,

YouTube’s.

Yeah, plural, I guess. Haha

For posterity. So everything will just kind of be in 1 place because this is like the most

Um, extensive

Thing that I do how I express my thoughts and feelings that is accessible. The most accessible uh thing that I that I do because it’s just right up here online. It’s you know It’s funny.

Kind of, But I wish I wasn’t so fucking retarded and crazy. I would love for things to get better. I really would. I guess there’s just a there’s a part of me that just, I feel like it’s too late. You know, it’s like, I’m, I can’t really be fixed. It’s like, I’m waiting it out until something, you know. Until I die something or, you know, you know what I mean?

All the Adventure and the You know, the Wonder I used to have for the world. Isn’t there anymore or not? Like it used to be. It’s like well yeah, I mean maybe in another life. You know, another Incarnation but this 1 You know I’m practically done as far as like, you know, at least that’s how I feel.

Just kind of exist in between the weekends. I get my kids and that’s it. I’m too screwed up today. It’s women scare the fucking Living hell, out of me. They do like I can’t even explain it.

And um,

I mean, love, you know, it’s not just The thought of like,

Loving somebody again and having them love me. And then, you know, You know, it’s not going to last forever. At least. I don’t reckon it hasn’t ever, you know, it’s like all the, uh,

All the ideas and all the crap I had in my head about that stuff. It’s it’s not there anymore. You know, I only wanted to love 1 woman forever and I just I’ve given up on that completely. And I don’t care and You know, I’m not I’m not getting any younger, I don’t care either, and

I could be practicing guitar right now. I need to be doing laundry or something. I’ve got I’m on night shift next week. The whole month of February. I’m on nights. Yep. And I have about fifty dollars.

But I have a full tank of gas. I’ve got food.

I need to go to Walmart though.

I need to get grocery stuff, you know? Now that I have uh, 3 less roommates

I’ll probably have. Like more time I can cook stuff and not worry about anybody else’s crap. I guess so much because The 2 roommates that are still living here are like the cool roommates. Yeah.

So, um,

I do Wonder like how many people have come and went and how many years you know living here. I don’t know how long, the boss lady, roommate has lived here. Oh probably for a long long time. I should ask her. You know, like what’s the average number of people who come and go in a year?

I’ve lived here for a year and 2 months.

Give

Or take a week, yeah.

But you know I should have gotten new tires 2 weeks ago when I had the time off scheduled and it didn’t take anything, you just go up to a place that sells the tires and say hey I need 2 new tires, those tires and they’ll fix them and you pay them and that’s it. You know.

And I didn’t have to get the spare fixed, but better safe than sorry. Like, I know that was an extra $70, but Um, oh one of my Roommate’s has a friend over.

All my roommates like both my roommates and all their friends talk alike and I can’t tell I can tell like Diana the lady, the roommate who used to take me back and forth to work. I can tell when she’s talking But like all their other friends and stuff, I can’t.

And like the other roommate and all her friends, they all talk the same.

It’s kind of funny here to me, you know, I can’t, I can’t tell. But yeah, I mean, I don’t know, part of me feels weird about like to talk about I feel like, you know, in a big way my ex-wife is off limits. Because she’s the kid’s, mom. About like talking about the details of of like, how horrible And how selfish and how fucking

Unyieldingly fucking mean she was to me and not just like the last 2 years we were married, but the whole 18 years we were together. It was just

I don’t know how. I don’t know how the hell her and I were together for 18 years. I don’t know how we made it Past our first year, you know, living together. I don’t know how that even we were just so incompatible, like, energetically incompatible. And I, I feel like, I’m, I’m like talking shit or something. But I, I’m really not. I’m just like, you know, that’s just how it was.

I’m like, seriously. I wanted to love 1 woman forever and she’s who I thought I got I mean that was that’s like almost stupid to say it, but

You know, God, like the saying, you know, commitment builds character and she did like I’m a whole lot better of a person because of her. But I’m also absolutely beyond screwed up. And it catches me off guard so bad. Sometimes

That um I just, you know I’ll be fine and then something will come along and Trigger an episode and I’ll just be like, oh my fucking god. Because I am, I’m that fucking screwed up.

And uh, Like 1 of my ex-girlfriends. That’s all she knew how to do was pick fights and be a fucking crazy piece of shit. And I had to get away from her because I was afraid, I would kill myself. That is actually my default mode when a crazy fight or an argument happens. That’s how traumatized I am. It’s like I’m just going to blow my brains out. For real. If I stay with this lady, another second. And uh, you know, and then after I got away from her like she wouldn’t leave me alone. Telling me what a piece of shit asshole. And a narcissist I was because I left You know.

And she lied to me about all kind of stuff. She was, supposedly had been sober for 2 years but she was lying. And, I went with her to get her 2-year chip From the uh, celebrate recovery. Yeah. That’s what it was and knowing that she had been lying about everything. Just you know, she was just the biggest piece of shit fucking person that I could have ever gotten mixed up with and I didn’t know that until it was way too late. Yeah. But it was so

It just fucked me up. It’s like what the fuck? Why do people like this exist? You know.

But,

I mean, that’s kind of the thing too, like my ex-wife. I never could believe anything she said, and she fucked with my head all the time. She would hide things. Tell me I was crazy all the time when I knew I was right about something. I remember 1 time, she hid the remote key thing for the van and she just hid it, you know, her mom told me about it like later, where do I start, right? But I ended up having to pay to get these people out there to to like, Uh I had to buy a new key like a new key thing it was like.

$400. And these people came out and they had to program it and all this crap. And, uh,

She did it just to be mean. That’s just one thing too. You know, and I became so depressed because of shit like that and she told me I had to earn the right to be treated, like a person that I was a fucking asshole for being depressed. And I tried to get help and I tried, you know, I went to the psych Ward. I did all this stuff and she just made fun of me. And told me how fucking worthless. I was all the time and she was just drunk off her ass

All the time. She used to beat the fucking shit out of me and throw things at me all the fucking time. She used to Burn me with fucking cigarettes, okay? And then if I touched her or anything, oh my God. One time I yanked a wine bottle out of her hands and she threw herself backwards into the bathtub and then started screaming at me that I pushed her. Then called her mom and told her mom that I pushed her into the bathtub and was being violent

Just acting her fucking ass off

And uh, that’s just part of it, you know? That was a regular thing too. Like I just can’t talk about it extensively. It was so bad

But she’s fine now. She’s sober now.

I don’t know. I just

When I think about it, it’s like I just don’t want to live anymore, you know, I don’t I just don’t I just feel like this is the life. I’ve got this time around I’m just so screwed up now.

That it, it would be better to just

Start all over somewhere else or something, you know, just let this 1 end you know, But,

A lot of times that’s how I feel, especially here, the last Like couple of months.

I’ve really started to just Just be like, you know where the hell am I? You know what, what is the even? You know like

Nothing makes sense to me anymore, it used to

But I miss my kids. And the best I can figure. That’s the only reason I’m still here.

I don’t know, I guess this is like kind of a negative post.

But yeah, if it wasn’t for the kids, I would totally just blow my fucking brains out right now.

I really wish I could sometimes.

I feel really guilty about feeling that way but I can’t help it. Yeah, but Because my kids do, they love me so much. My son called me up earlier, you know, and of course he was like Hey that Nerf gun flint lock Nerf gun. You bought yesterday at Cracker Barrel, that was almost 30 bucks.

6:30 PM
It broke. Hahaha.

Yeah. It’s uh, it’s like, oh, wow, that’s great. But, you know,  He just wanted to call me up and talk to me

I do though sometimes I just feel like the biggest fuk up in the world.

I hate this app. This is the best app that like speech to text app that I could find. I hate how it messes up. The curse words it fucks up the curse words but not all the time. I can say shit. Or shity. And it just spells it with 1 T and I can say that’s fucked up. Or what the fuck?

Well, sometimes it spells it with just the K and I’m going to leave that up there. I hate that.

It’s so stupid. Like what the fuck? Like, what the fuck? Fuk fuk, fuk, fuk, fuk, fuk, fuk, fuk, fuk, fuk fuk. See. There you go. What the like? What the hell is that? But who programs the shirts?

The programs this bullshit, right?

My brains don’t work like a normal person. Like, not even close. You know.

1 of my roommates is doing laundry or something a lot. Yeah. It’s just, I’m really glad that I’m on nights next week. I’m trying to make myself stay up till at least 2 or 3:00 a.m.

And uh, God, I do. Sometimes I just fucking hate myself so much.

I can’t ever like there’s stuff I want to do. And like, hey I’m going to do all this like when I’m at work. I think about all this stuff that I want to do and can be doing and when I get like free time, like right now, I just don’t have the motivation. I’m just like, oh fuck it, who cares? I’ll make a blog post And talk about how worthless and stupid I feel.

I guess the 1 thing is that I’m aware, right? It’s like yeah.

But seriously, you know, that’s 1 thing that made me really sad yesterday is I wanted to go do a bunch of fun shit with the kids and then that happened. And it of course it’s my own fault and yes, it could have been way worse and I’m really grateful and thankful that my ex-wife was able to bail me out of that. But

What is wrong with me? Yeah.

You know, like gosh.

Am I ever going to get better?

You know.

Will I ever really do anything with music? Or art? Will it happen while I’m still alive? Or am I going to be 1 of those people who?

You know, get noticed after they’re dead, you know, it’s kind of funny because I do like, I’m really like unique and creative and original, nobody sounds like me. Nobody like does the stuff that I do like the way I do it, I’m just totally You know, but

Uh, I don’t put myself out there, I get really bad social anxiety. That used to never happen. I hate this fucking app so much sometimes. I want to just take this phone and smash it as hard as I can. Just slam it down as hard as I can, and break it.

I don’t know. Part of me wants to go to my storage unit. And get my recording equipment.

And just start working on my album. I was going to do during the winter shutdown that I didn’t do anything.

And then part of me just wants to blow my fucking brains out. I just I mean I’ve got a box of I mean it’s only going to take 1 right? I’ve got a whole box of shotgun shells in my storage unit and just go in there and just put my shotgun in my mouth and blow out my fucking brains. Would that even kill me though? It’s a 12 gauge.

Yeah. How sad that would make my kids. It would. Probably Really, really bad

I’ll look over here at the cards that my kids made me for my birthday last year. And

They’re the most awesome fucking people ever. And you know, why do they have to have? Why do they get to have a screwed up? Fucking dad like me, you know, I used to be like, really great.

And a lot of people who know me, remember that version of me, you know, from like 10 15, 20 years ago. You know, like yeah, that the me before like,

Being married to an alcoholic pill. Addict and it’s weird because I loved her more than anything. That’s what fucked me up so Bad. I never wanted a Divorce. I thought we could fix anything. I was hoping, you know, like we would look back on all that Shit one day and be like, Oh remember when we almost got Divorced? But there’s this like

It’s like she’s you know, she’s better now you know, but there’s a part of me that I just can’t forget it. Like I just I just can’t Forget.

I had really hoped that things, like our problems and stuff would get better, but they never did. She couldn’t ever get sober for long enough while we were married. But she wasn’t always like that, it’s what is so crazy. She was my Pumpkin. It is such a long story. There is just so much to talk about.

And I, I know that she’s You know, she’s she’s always she always was awesome. She is the best Mom ever. But it’s Just the like the stuff that she did to me was so fucking messed up and it like, it just Ruined me.

And I’m not any better. I think I’ll be, you know, it’s like I think I’m better. You know, and something will happen and I just said that, and it’ll trigger an episode and make me realize that I’ll always be like, I’ll probably be like this the rest of my life. You know, no amount of I don’t want medication again, I used to be on so much medication that I slurred. And it was was to deal with her fucking crap and to deal with my fucking asshole, dad.

And, It’s just so crazy that I did something that was not in my best interest. Totally went against, like everything, you know, that was in my best interest. Personally for me myself. To to like, To become entangled with People who? I cared about so much. They needed me and I couldn’t have lived with myself. If I had not have done it but it just absolutely ruined. Ruined me, like, I’m like,

It’s so fucked up, and

I guess that’s all. That’s all I really was trying to say with my last post. Yeah. Oh And it’s just, So remarkable and Stuff that, you know, that my ex-wife has

She’s really came through for me, like, 2, huge times when I needed her, you know.

Oh yeah, there’s the heater my roommate just texted me about the heater. Up off this little heater. You know. This fucking piece of shit out. I sort of fucking God.

Really, I said this piece of shit fucking app. I swear to God. I know. It’s like okay well, I don’t, I guess, I don’t want this to turn into another 9000 word post. So, I am Just going to wrap it up here and edit it and stuff. I need to get a shower and go to Walmart to spend my last $50. Haha Yeah. Hey I said, yay.

Fuck this out. Fuck this stupid out. App.

God fucking damn it.

Thank you, please.