1:19 PM
Yep. It’s uh, it’s 1 of those days on night shift. It’s the transition week though. It’s uh, I fell asleep. Too early and woke up too early and It’s like, I’m tired but I can’t go back to sleep, but it sucks.
So I’m just laying here. And,
I don’t really know what. Where to start, you know, I’m just
Just miserable. Yeah? Like especially right now.
But I ought to be happy. I mean, as happy as I can be for like, as tired, and My body hurts. It really sucks.
I guess I just really get sick of my life.
Yeah, I just get sick of it. I’m sick to death of it, really?
Yeah.
You know at work uh there’s that super cute girl and she’s been stalking me. It’s really funny how she does it. But uh, we don’t have anything in common other than I just think she’s really, really cute. And she is. And uh, I don’t know. I’m probably over complicating it.
I guess there’s a part of me that I’m still just I have the standards really high standards. After uh, After all the dumb crazy shit that I have been through. With women from lowering my standards and I say lowering like it’s not like I just decided I guess I was, um,
It’s like you know, who the hell am I? I don’t know why I would ever think I’m so much better than you know anything. But uh
No, there’s a lot of stuff that I don’t, I mean, I just hold myself to a very strict code of ethics.
Not everybody does that. It’s kind of hard. My interests are so eclectic and everything. My tastes are so selective.
I guess that on paper, you know, I’m uh,
Insanely intelligent. So, It’s just
Everything I don’t know how to fix anything, so I’m really not, I don’t really feel like I’m that intelligent anymore. I was telling my friend Justin, one day, you know, I used to be really smart but I just don’t feel like I am now. I’m creative, I’m super creative. I’ve got all these stupid songs, but I’m tired. I was going to work on all that stuff when I got home and I just laid down and I thought, man, this is so great and I fell asleep. About 5:30 and woke up about 10:30. I’ve been up since 10:30 and it’s horrible. It’s a kind of a living hell right now.
Oh, transition week and uh, I don’t know where else I could work and make even close to this much money. It’s really dumb.
And I miss my kids. Of course, that’s the number 1 Thing. And we had a lot of fun this weekend, but You know, I’m not going to be able to get them next weekend. The Armenian festival thing that all that was going to happen and I still got to go to it because I volunteered to help. But uh, I can’t, you know, the kids my daughter has a band competition and all of a sudden, you know, That. Oh yeah. Well, that that’s happening. Last week I even was like, yeah. Can I get the kids? You know, next weekend and my ex wife was like, yeah, they don’t have anything going on and Nobody told me anything, you know. I was like, yeah, that’s fine. It’ll be great. We’ll have so much fun. And then uh, yesterday my daughter messaged me like oh yeah, I have a band competition. And hold on. There’s more, it’s like uh I booked us on family day. Uh, at work and like from the Ether magically Another band competition. Can’t make that
Uh, you know, when I was on day shift, My daughter has band stuff going on my son, all his soccer games. Are at night during the week and I’m on night shift and I’m going to miss most of those. I’m going to have to take a day off. I’m going to have to call in to be able to make it to 1 of my son’s soccer games.
So it’s just like, okay, well I guess I’m not supposed to spend that much time with my kids right now or And that’s been the case for the last 3 years, it’s been really shitty. My daughter was like, Talking about how ever since, you know like 2022 everything’s just been kind of like blah waiting for the next big thing and it’s like yeah.
I don’t know what that is but that That’s what I feel. That’s how I feel. You know, ever since all that shit happened with Brittany, my life has just made less sense.
And uh, Sometimes I just get really sick of it. I’m not happy, I can’t remember the last time I was really happy like I’m happy when I have the kids but overall happy you know, I’m not. I’m alone all the time. All the fucking time. And I just don’t relate to people and it’s stupid.
I was thinking earlier about, I mean this was like an hour or so ago, I was just laying here. I can’t go back to sleep, my shoulder hurts like fucking hell. And it sucks. And I just thought, you know, I Could Just Kill Myself and I think about that way more than I probably than it than it is healthy. You know, it’s not
It’s not healthy at all but um like what even does that mean? It’s just, I’m just getting really Just get really sick of this whole planet and human beings and nobody knows anything or knows where we are, where anybody came from or anything. And
You know, they measure vast distances of space in uh, units of like Earth. Years and the speed of light, you know, it’s like that’s a fixed
Like that’s always been, you know, a fixed uh, what’s the word and my brain? Rate? Haha You know, I just can’t.
Oh gosh. It’s like I said, I think in another post um I don’t remember which post there’s only so much you can do with 1 human life. And after a point like in my case, especially it’s like what the hell can I even do anymore?
You know, and
Uh, gosh. I know, I just feel like I’m complaining because I have all like there’s a lot of good things, but I’m so tired. And Stupid, feeling and alone that it’s hard to really appreciate the good stuff I have right now.
I guess because it’s like well yeah thanks you know but uh
Most of the time. Especially right now. I’m just so miserable. I wish I was dead. And that’s about it. Yeah, I was just thinking I was just laying here thinking like, you know, this happens way too often in my brain. It’s just, uh, Dang, you know. Fuck fuck this.
And things could be so much worse, but I would rather be dead. It’s really stupid. I mean, you know what I mean? Like if they’re going to get worse, just kill me. And a lot. There’s a part of me just like just fucking do me in any ways. Like, why am I still here? If this is all I’m going to get
And then, you know, people will say, like, people say all kinds of dumb bullshit though nobody really ever knows. Nobody knows anything about anything ever.
That’s why I don’t talk to people that much. That’s why I just make blog posts.
You talk about like killing yourself and stuff around people they get freaked out and then they’re just like, what about your kids? It’s like, you mean my kids that I never get to see? I get to see twice a month and it’s always feels rushed and Uh, you know. Like, it’s just it’s different. It’s a lot more different than it used to be.
I hate living 2 hours away from my kids but I just don’t really feel like I’m that much of a dad anymore.
You know.
I am have a really hard time. Caring about anything else.
I just turned 46 and I did for a second, I poked around Facebook dating because it’s like, you know, I really do. Wish I had a girlfriend. But,
You know, it’s just that’s just such a
Hassle. Yeah, it’s even to get to know somebody and then you fall in love and then something happens and you get your heart fucking torn out and stomped on, and I just, I guess I’m afraid of uh something like that happening and it being so awesome. I’m so happy and it being ripped away.
And then I just end up blowing my brains out. Anyways. Yeah it’s like well you know, I’ve had enough. 46 years I’ve had enough unless something really, really awesome super fucking great. Unbelievably incredible, you know. Happens to me like something I just cannot imagine realistically happening to me.
Um, unless that happens. Yeah I just I don’t really know that I want to keep doing this for another 10 or 20 or 30 years Imagine doing this imagine being 80 years old, you know, it’s like,
I don’t want to? So, uh, So who knows, but that’s how I feel right now and I feel like this A lot more often than I probably than, you know, than I want to I guess.
Yeah, it really sucks. I’m I’m, I have kind of more of a
This uh, what’s the
It’s not as remarkable I guess. It’s like, yeah, this is, uh, this is my Pretty normal waking reality here. It’s just, uh, you know,
Blah. It’s a great way to describe that.
And alone blah and alone.
Forever and ever that is how it feels just like this is just going to, that’s how it feels. Yeah, it’s just going to be like this forever. It’s been like this forever. What 8 years now? I’ve been divorced and there’s been little you know, pieces of Good things that come along and, uh, you know, I still think about because I had a dream about her earlier actually is Brittany. It’s like wow that just really ruined everything that was the last time that somebody else really just ruined everything for me. And uh, I don’t understand. You know, I was looking at her Instagram earlier and it’s like,
How did this even happen? Like how did she even?
How did that even get to happen? Why did that happen? You know who the fuck even?
What the fuck?
Yeah like all those unanswered questions, haha I was thinking about that and uh she is she’s the biggest crush I ever had and we just did not End up together, it ended up being a big.
You know, a bunch of fucking stupid bullshit, and that was all. Her being crazy. And somehow I’m just not a real person to these girls and that’s what freaks me out about.
Chicks from work like that. Super cute girl. And she is, she is just incredibly She’s just the most adorable little thing ever, but You know, I don’t trust it. I don’t trust coworker girls anymore and the Brittany you know she took the cake. I hope I don’t ever You know, I don’t know that I’ll ever what am I trying to say? I just don’t want that to happen again and uh, I don’t trust co-workers, I don’t trust my like General, entry-level Factory. You know, co-workers I don’t
Trust the general public. Yeah at large. Is that a is that the right way to put that you know?
1:34 PM
People, they just love drama and
All that crap, you know. And that’s just what they live for. They don’t really have anything interesting going on in their brain and They just like,
Fucking.
Hello.
1:35 PM
Hello. Yeah, I just I guess I just need to get a new phone. You have people whose entire existence is jacking off their emotions. All over themselves and other people. And they revel in it!
That’s what you get at factory jobs.
After a point. It’s just uh,
It’s Camille relative though. Commulative Commulative commulative.
Cumulative?
They just pile on, you know, it just gets uh, More and more stupid, and old and tired. And that’s
That’s where I am right now. I’m just old and tired and burned out and
Thinking about,
The way I used to see the world was so magical and special.
It was just this 1, big adventure and then I got married and got into business with my dad. I know. I reference that way too many times but
Like I said, I feel like I did it. I lived my life. That was the life I got for this particular Incarnation and I’m just kind of waiting to die. Really. Yeah, like I’m just, you know, and in the meantime, I’m trying to keep myself like I workout and all that but I hurt like fucking hell if I don’t And I got my music and stuff, and I try to work on that because
That’s the only other thing that makes me somewhat happy when I don’t have the kids, which is more often than not So, uh, I don’t know, but I really have today especially the last couple of hours just really Seriously considering killing myself again. But this time like not like it’s like I think I maybe I deserve to, you know, can’t I just uh You know, just 1 selfish thing. Just to let me have this 1. Sailfish thing. Just let me blow my fucking brains out live on Facebook and Tik Tok and Instagram. I think that’s the only. Yeah, that’s the 3 social media platforms. I have Oh my goodness. That’s how I feel right now. Thanks, Reality
Thank you, please.
