2:29 PM
Well, what am I doing? Just laying here.
Wishing, I could go back to sleep, but I woke up about
Not quite an hour ago. Yeah, I was flipping back through some of my old articles um some person or people from China. Read read my articles. I guess they’re from China or it’s Brittany. Using a VPN, or my ex-wife using a VPN
Or somebody or it might actually be somebody from China. I have no idea.
I speculate, you know, um, did I mention that? And In another post.
I don’t remember.
It’s stupid.
But I was reading about last year yeah I guess this app the the jetpack app. I don’t know how it crossed over into that from WordPress, but, uh,
And I don’t remember exactly when that happened off the top of my head.
But it’s like you have memories from a year ago you know that you posted And I should look on my other blog. Actually, there was probably some good memories.
On my other blog from like,
5 and 6 years ago, I guess.
But uh, last year this time last year I made a post about how I was afraid to go into the gym. Because of the gym girl. And She really is though, like I freak out and run away from her and I hide from her and I don’t go into the gym when she’s in there because I get Really, really nervous
And uh I don’t even care to name her in this blog, she’ll never read it. And nobody reads it from like my personal life that I’m aware of and like this blog just doesn’t get the hits that the other 1 got or that it used to
I don’t know, I guess talking about killing myself all the fucking time, you know? I think I lost A few regular readers by doing that but it’s like, you know, I don’t know any other way to do it and it helps to get that out and I do struggle with that.
Pretty often, it sucks. I was
You know, I made that post yesterday and I was laying here just thinking like, dang, I just don’t know how I’m going to
Really fix anything. I went walking around earlier and there was this house for sale and I, and I thought, man,
I sure would love to buy a house but I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to buy a house again. I mean I’m sure I’ll be able to like buy a car at some point like another car would, you know, at some point I don’t have any plans to do that anytime soon but uh, Buying a house like I just don’t think I’ll ever
What is my credit score right now? Hold on. And it is, it’s a lot better than it was this time last year.
- Yeah, that’s pretty bad. But it’s seriously, it is like
About 50. Oh no. No no. It’s like 70 points higher than it was this time last year. Yeah, gosh, I think it was, yeah, I was in the like, it was like 5:15 or something.
It’s pretty bad. I was starting to get all that back together when I worked at Honda, it was in the 600s then and that was my plan was to get my credit built up. I took out a loan, this gigantic loan and I was paying it back. And um, that was that was my goal was to get my credit built up and get some land somewhere and get like a place.
1 of those buildings and fix it up and live in. And Uh,
This is just crazy. How all that.
Got completely ruined by some chick who I have no idea. I still don’t understand and You know I hate to say this but the last few times I’ve looked at her Facebook her professional account or whatever the fuck I’m saying this like Oh gosh, the tone of my voice right now, right? Haha Um, but it’s like
It’s so cringy. But, Like people really love her but they’re people that, you know, I wouldn’t probably ever have anything to do with anyways. But I’m just like, I don’t know. The last thing I saw made me just like, like shut her. It was so cringy. Shutter. Yeah, but with the D’s instead of t’s Haha. Yeah.
Uh, and that’s pretty much I decided then that I was just going to take all the stuff off for her to read from both my other blogs. And just quit looking at her stuff forever because I don’t care anymore.
You know, I don’t
Understand why any of that had to happen. It was like that was some of the most ignorant fucked up shit. And it sucks that I’m so screwed up and I’m a little better, but I’m still really messed up and I think about all that and it’s like, My life is such a mess. You know, 4 years ago? Uh, I felt like I still had some hope. You know, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing now. I mean, I’m just working and Living and taking it 1 day at a time.
But uh,
Yeah, it does get really old.
Because reading that article from last year, also reminded me that Things haven’t really changed that much.
Uh, of course I like, I like my roommates that I have now a lot better than I did this time last year. You know, I had that couple who were really Dumb and then, uh, that furry guy that hated my guts, that was really weird and, uh, at least that’s how he acted. He doesn’t act like that now, but he doesn’t live here anymore and then that other chick that took me back and forth to work. Um, gosh after she moved out, it was like a veil of Fucking miserable negativity. Just got lifted. It was crazy. That was 1 of the most caustic people I’ve ever met, but she was like, crazy mean like, my mom But you can’t even compare, like, Like I think 1 time I would like she’s not even like, would even be like the half-baked version of my mom. She’d be like the mix still in the box version.
Like, you know, I don’t know. I dealt with some crazy shit with her. Taking me back and forth to work. I haven’t talked about that in a while though.
But uh it’s kind of funny because she uh she sends me a spot me boost on chime every month. So I mean, You know, I don’t I can’t say too much about her. I just don’t have to deal with her on a regular basis anymore, and that’s great. So I care about her though. You know, she she really did help me out a lot and I can tell she struggled really hard with stuff sometimes. It was really sad at times. My mom was too. It was, uh,
I mean, as hard as you know, sometimes my mom was to deal with. I mean there were a couple times I was about to throw myself off the fucking balcony at that apartment. You know, 3 stories down and splatter all over the fucking highway because of her like
It was really heartbreaking, you know, to see somebody in that condition and to have but then that that they could affect another person like me that way. It was so crazy.
But, you know, I’m pretty screwed up, too, but I don’t
Like,
Take that out on other people. Yeah, I don’t take it. I take it out on myself, though.
Uh, but then I’ve got music and art and it always helps me when I exercise but Yeah that’s when I saw that house for sale and it was a really cool house too I can’t remember what road it was on what street it was on. But it was really. You know, I was like dang, I wish I could buy another house.
You know, of course, around here and I don’t know what the housing Market’s like, but there’s I’ve seen houses here that You know.
That are like 250,000 houses, that’s what they’re selling for, but You know. They don’t. I guess it’s the area. Yeah.
Because where I’m from, I mean, I had a really, really nice house but then I’m thinking, you know, that was 20 years ago when we bought it, it was 130,000. And that was a really nice place.
And when I think of like a 250,000 house, you know, I think of like a A big 2-story house. I think my ex-wife 1 of her old neighbors, like her mom’s old neighbors. This really nice house they sold it for it was about 250,000 dollars of what they sold it for and it was like you know a pretty big 2 story uh fenced in backyard, you know, in the suburbs of Rainbow City, it wasn’t that long ago either. I don’t think
And uh, that’s what I think about. When I think of a 250,000 house on some tiny little, you know, thing like that house was, I think the, uh, the mechanic guy Was selling his house. That was right next to his shop and it was it was like it was about the size of that Farmhouse. I lived in, which was pretty small I don’t know but it’s like, dang. But this is a really cool area. If I, if I somehow had the money or somehow could, I would totally buy a house down here.
Around here, you know, I don’t know. I just don’t. Have any idea how anything’s going to be like?
If I’ll ever really get my shit together or, you know, like I used to have it. But then all that was contingent on.
You know, my marriage and being in business with my dad, it was really crazy. How I was embedded, you know, with all that. And then uh,
I mean just as soon as my ex-wife and I split up, everything just dissipated it was like nope that that’s not. You know I lost access to all of that. It was weird.
Was like,
It was just 1 of those things uh you know, I could have done anything else with my life. And I think about that, sometimes it’s like even though I couldn’t have lived with myself, if I hadn’t Have gotten into business with my dad, you know, there’s a lot to talk about with that. Why did that? But long story short, you know, my dad’s Health got crappy and I was the only
1? Who could help. I had to like there was no other option. Like, you know, to not do it. I had to do it. It was 1 of those things. And then, you know, I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t have held on to the bitter, God, that’s not even the word for it, right? And Yeah, bitter isn’t even a. It doesn’t even just like, that’s just
There’s not enough adjectives to describe like there’s no words, just the end of the, you know, marriage. If I wouldn’t have held on
To the, you know, to that, I could not have lived with myself either, it’s really stupid. But then I was thinking about, you know, when the kids were born and
Just all that stuff. Gosh it was so Magical. But then all that got ripped away too. And it’s like, you know, I’m not a part of their daily lives.
2:44 PM
And I have still not gotten used to that and you know, all that stuff, just kind of compounds. Sometimes it’s like You know, my job, I’ve been in it there for a year and a half and uh it’s just gotten so old.
I’ve gotten really tired of the work. It’s the same thing over and over and the people.
Uh, my team, you know, and it’s really just that 1 guy, cuz he wasn’t there last night and I was like, dang This is nice. Yeah, and he’s such a shit head like it’s not even
Like, I don’t know why I have to deal with stuff like this. It’s really, really stupid. But then at the same time, it’s
It’s whatever.
But it gets old. And,
That’s kind of the point like reading that article from last year. It’s like well you know nothing’s really changed, really? Yeah it’s like dang.
But it does help to exercise. Yeah, that that really helped me this morning and that’s why I’m not
Depressed, even though I’m like reflecting and kind of, you know, I don’t know how to fix my life I don’t know how anything’s going to get You know, better in like a, you know, change in like, how am I trying to say that? I just don’t see myself having a really awesome life ever again.
I don’t know, I don’t know why I get in my head. It’s like, you know, if I If it wasn’t for the kids and the dogs, I would invent a time machine. And well, how the hell would I invent a time machine? You know, go back and never met my ex-wife or never married her anyways. You know, I don’t know.
But I wouldn’t take anything for the kids. The dogs and, you know, those were the best. That was the best Life could ever get, you know, I mean,
I don’t know. I’m just really.
Alone,
All the time.
I don’t really let people in anymore either. But also can’t relate. To anybody like, you know,
What was that? I Always come back to that. It’s like there’s only so much you can do with 1 life with a human life, you know? And Stuff like I’ve done it and it’s like, yeah.
It’s why I had such a bad drinking problem and Kratom and, you know, fucking all that shit. It’s like yeah. It helped.
At least temporarily. I don’t know, I’ll never go back to drinking again regularly. I’ve I’ve tried, I tried Last week, and I tried this past weekend and it’s like I can’t I just can’t drink anymore. It. It just, you know, I’ll have like 1 or 2 beers and that’ll be okay. And then it’ll be like, well, you know, let’s have a couple more and then that’ll turn into
You know, more and then I have a hangover, like, I couldn’t even get out of bed Sunday. It was so stupid and I hated myself for it because I felt like I wasted the whole day.
Well, I don’t know. Yeah, I’m just
All the same old crap over and over and over and over. You know.
It would be really great though if Something awesome would happen to me. Like, Something just really awesome and great. That would uh, maybe restore my faith in the process of life again and Or something, you know? It’s just like well
I mean, I don’t know what’s after this for me. Like after this planet, it’s like planet Earth.
I sure am.
I don’t know, I don’t feel like being any more negative than that right now. Yeah.
I’m not depressed or anything. I’m just like dang.
I feel like if I won the lottery or something or something happened, where I wouldn’t have to, I didn’t have to go like, like work at a regular job anymore like this job. I wouldn’t know what to do for a while. It’d be like It would feel really weird.
I still wonder how loud I am outside of this room, I can hear 1 of my roommates walking around.
It’s like, Gosh.
Well, this is going to be a lot of shit to edit. What time is it?
God, I’ve been talking for almost 30 minutes. Anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Same old crap over and over and over, you know,
I think, what, what’s going on? Post Streak.
3 days. Yeah.
I don’t know, I just Haven’t felt.
I don’t even know. I guess I’m just tired of talking and yeah.
Um,
1 of my 1 of the roommates is supposed to be moving out.
I don’t know.
Yeah, anyways, I guess this is going to be a lot to edit. Um,
Thank you, please.
