7:04 PM
I just went off about like a big thing. I just decided, I’m not going to talk about that either. I am going to talk about the how uh I got pulled over last night in Rainsville. And uh, I got I had been drinking. I’d stopped drinking on a regular basis. So my tolerance was all just I didn’t expect it to be that. I didn’t drink that much but I got way too, you know. Loaded. And, My ex-wife, uh, the officer
My ex-wife is a teacher at the community college up there. And, the officer who stopped me.
Is 1 of her students? Yeah. And he was like, oh gosh, you know, because I told him where I was coming from and, uh, you know, told him, my ex-wife and everything and He’s like, who’s your ex-wife? And I was like, Her name(haha). She actually works up here at the college and, uh,
He’s like, oh my gosh, that’s my English teacher. So um, And I called my ex-wife and she came and picked me up her and her husband and took me to this motel and dropped me off there. Uh, which was way better than spending the night in jail, right? And the officer totally cut me a break, I hugged him. Oh it was also Yeah, it was really awesome. I don’t, I can’t believe any of that happened. And so I spent the night in a motel Last night. She came and picked me up in the morning this morning. Yeah, and I got my car.
They towed it. Yeah. Which They were the guy who towed it was super awesome. Um, everybody was just really really great. And awesome to me and I felt Like
Don’t ever do that again. But it’s like, wow, thanks. I just, I just saw everything for a second falling apart and me getting taken to jail. I thought. Well, you know, that’s, over, you know, I’m fixing to lose my job and all that crap. And uh,
But my ex-wife came through for me. She like she had my back. She actually is, you know, she is. Like, I mean and it the way our marriage ended was horrible and a couple of years after, you know the aftermath or whatever was horrible. But she’s been really, really awesome to me. Especially this year like this year and last year she was just Really great. Like I’m a person to her again or something. It’s uh,
I couldn’t believe it and she was so nice. About everything and was like, well, you know, don’t do it again or you’ll be sitting in a damn jail cell. I’m not doing this again and I don’t blame her. I’m not doing it again ever again.
But uh,
After she dropped me off and I got in my car and I was driving back, I just started crying I just started crying my eyeballs out about her because
You know, I never wanted a divorce, like she did. And she did she you know she had some problems. And she’s sober, she sobered up after it took. She’s been sober for a long, long time over 6 years now, and, uh, Probably close to 7. Yeah. But she, um,
Oh, I was so messed up from all that. It was horrible, but I just I just cried, I’ve been crying about her all day. Yeah, and not that, you know, that we need to get back together or anything like that. I mean, she’s remarried and all, long since moved on and but I just, I loved her more than anything. And I, I still haven’t
Healed from that, you know, and I got some perspective today, I had a reading with the lady I bought my car from who’s she’s super awesome too I was. Telling her about last night and my ex wife you know, it’s like yeah we were together. I was telling her about that. Yeah. I was like we were together for 18 years, and I still haven’t gotten. I went nuts, I went off the deep end after the divorce and had 3 girlfriends and a fiance In a year and a half. And then you know, Stephanie happened about a year and a half after that. And I’ve been single for 4 and a half years and it’s just like
But I just I guess I freak out and everything about love is uh I can’t risk being hurt like that again.
I don’t know, it’s not everybody’s not like, I am with love and stuff, but I just, I never wanted anybody, but her, I thought we were going to be together forever. That’s why I married her, you know. Like I wouldn’t have married her if I felt anything less than just she you know, was Who I wanted to spend eternity with, um, Otherwise I wouldn’t have married her. Like I would have just, I would have broke up with her. I would have been, like, no But that’s not. I loved her more than I loved anything like ever a lot. More than life. My whole entire, the foundation of My reality revolved around her
Our relationship. You know and it wasn’t some stupid codependent bullshit. I loved her that fucking much.
I genuinely, like, You know, and I always thought it would get better. And it did but after we had kids and everything like you know, I mean there was stuff
You know, like it wasn’t perfect or anything but after we had kids I was like this is it, you know, I was happy we were a family and that was the best. You know, my life ever was. I don’t know, I don’t think in this lifetime. I’ll ever have that again. Not like that. It’s not. It could never be the same like that. I just can’t imagine it unless I’m wrong, you know? But
Uh, I don’t know that I could love anybody the same way that I loved her. It was just, it was like they say, the First Cut is the Deepest to cut me, like in half, like completely in half. Probably. I mean that’s I just don’t feel like words.
Are um,
There aren’t any it’s it’s 1 of those things. I can’t imagine too many people uh, could really understand. I mean, in this day and age, I don’t know. Though, but I just mean, like my dad who’s been with over a thousand women. He used to boast haha And, you know, he’s been married. This is just he’s on his fourth marriage to 3 different women. But I remember, uh, I just, I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was going through the, you know, dealing with all that. The divorce and stuff, and He just he got mean with me about it and he’s like, you know, you’re not the only damn person who’s ever been through a divorce and just totally, you know, which that’s what my dad did anyways nothing I ever thought or felt Was that important. Everything was always just trivial stupid bullshit. To him and uh it’s weird. Yeah but his feelings you know, everything all his crap, all that mattered.
Always. Yeah, I mean that’s how people are though. But it’s just like You don’t understand.
Nobody, I don’t even think my ex-wife understood how much I loved her. I realized. And I wasn’t perfect. You know, I I wasn’t
I was pretty great, though. Yeah, I mean, there was a lot of stuff that Was hard for me to deal with about her. It was just
You know, she did take me for granted a lot and uh, I took for granted the fact that we were going to, you know, I thought we were going to be to together forever and to think we would, it would ever end and I took that for granted. I was like, yeah, I guess it did end. I could I still sometimes. Can’t believe it ever even happened. But that’s why I’m so screwed up. You know, I talked about like, you know, my
What about now? Okay, yeah, it was the Wi-Fi. Um,
Like I talked about, you know, Yeah, my ex fiance and you know Brittany was ruining my life, you know, both of those chicks. Um, but really like
That’s not like really the divorce is why I’m so screwed up, you know. I can’t really I don’t know, maybe I didn’t fight hard enough. I thought That there wasn’t anything I could do. She hadn’t made her mind up, you know.
She had, I mean, she was just That was it and, uh, All that just came flooding back. Today.
You know.
Just being around her. It was just me and her in the car and I was like, you know, because her husband was with us last night, you know? And and I mean I’m it wasn’t anything weird. But it was like, dang, you know, I just
I mean, it was a part of me, like I miss her like, I, you know, it misses her, missed her or whatever. I’m not really sure how to word that like, We were together for like it was just that was reality.
And uh, I just, I don’t know. It just all came flooding back and we were talking about stuff, you know, like talking about my family and Her family some and uh, like how my dad is practically just estranged himself from, you know, not just me, but my kids too. It’s really weird. My dad’s a fucking, there’s something wrong with my dad. Yeah. Oh I’m not really sure how to
There’s just something wrong with him. Yeah.
It makes me sad actually like I miss my dad sometimes. A lot. I mean, I miss my mom a lot too. And you know, It’s just weird. But, um,
We talked about that, and then she was talking about how like, when the van got repossessed years ago. And because the guy I paid in cash, the guy who towed my car, and I didn’t realize that, you know, he wanted cash. So we went to the ATM and we were talking about that. She’s like, yeah. When they repossessed the van, I can’t. I think 2016 and she was like, yeah, 2016 17, and 18 was just like, I, I barely remember those years and I was like, I do
I didn’t want to say anything, I was just you know, I didn’t want to make her feel bad.
At all in any way at all. But um, those were the 3 worst years of my life. Like, I started crying like I had to stop myself as hard as I could to keep from crying when she said that. It’s like, I know I was there, it wasn’t. You know, that wasn’t a blurry haze to me. Like I remember vividly. Remember those years, it was horrible.
Oh my God.
But I, you know, I just all that like just I did, I loved her more than anything.
And I cried about that, almost the whole way, like the it was like an hour and a half to my Job and I yeah I thank God. I only got half a point too I made it there by lunch so I was, you know, that’s all I wanted. That whole morning I couldn’t. I woke up early as shit. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was like, God, I have to get to work. I have to get to work. I have to go to work.
Haha, you know, like as soon as I can, hopefully, I can get there. You know, before lunch. So I don’t get a whole point. I will just get half a point.
7:18 PM
Um, attendance Point. Uh,
Oh man, car factories don’t fuck around about attendance and I’ve got to get those points knocked down.
It’s, it’s terrible. But um,
I did and I cried most of the day. The whole most of the like the last quarter I cried so much. I was I made up a song about it. It’s like I still cry about my ex-wife, you know, I do like, it doesn’t happen that often, you know, Valentine’s day this year I did and earlier this year actually I was in the storage unit. It was before my car got repossessed and I was looking through all this stuff and I mean I lost it, you know, then today I just cried and cried and cried but I hadn’t really cried. I haven’t cried about her, sometimes the kids will talk about it and that’ll make me cry like, you know, because it really messed them up too. It messed with them, like we were a family here.
My daughter made a family flag and we had all our favorite colors were on it. And, uh, you know, we had a family egg and Just we were a family. It was like it was the best thing a person could have and it was it was the world we created together. It took so much. You know, years and years to build it.
And uh you know, it did take I mean it
It unraveled seemed like pretty vast.
Pretty fast. Yeah, it was This is the worst thing ever, like I built. Like there’s no words.
You like, unless you, you can either relate to that or you can’t, you know, I mean, I know like other people have dealt with similar things but not everybody.
It’s like my soul disintegrated like to the atom. And that was all that was left. And then I had to like rebuild it was
Oh, it was like
I mean, like, just a
Notch above absolute nothing, you know.
Sometimes I think it actually might have went below that. I don’t know how you can go, I guess you got negative numbers but that’s something too, you know.
It was like, I mean, almost completely.
Destroyed.
And, you know, I was I rebuilt that faster than I thought I could like Oh, I guess. I don’t know, a little bit more up. I had Fixed it a little bit enough to where I had confidence. You know, started to get Faith back in myself and then I met my ex fiance. That destroyed me all over again. Yep. And then I was, uh, starting to get it back, when I met that Tiffany chick. And then, uh, the Twin Flame thing happened.
And I’m finally starting to get myself together about that. But in the reading today, I had I started to ask about Brittany, but I’m just, I don’t know. It didn’t I couldn’t? I couldn’t I didn’t think about it. It was funny. I probably wasn’t supposed to ask the lady who did it. She doesn’t believe in twin flames and that’s cool. You know, I don’t really know. Exactly how I feel about that stuff either, except I have extensively. I’ve read so much stuff, it’s so
Like, Talk about other people having to deal with something. A lot of people have and it’s not just bullshit it’s insane. And it’s probably hard to believe if it’s never happened to you.
I had a. An episode about her the other morning. Actually, I think it was it was it Tuesday morning maybe?
Yeah, but uh I deactivated all my stuff. I did I freaked out after I got to the motel last night, I just thought. Oh my God. It’s all over. You know, I don’t know. I was still kind of drunk.
But I was just, oh, I felt like the biggest loser in the fucking universe. And, uh, I just out of like I guess.
Some lack of control feeling and I deactivated Facebook and made my blog both bought blogs private. And made my Instagram private, I had opened everything back up, you know. But I’m going to pick through this, uh, I know the last week or so, I’ve made some Not like posts but I’ve talked about my ex-wife like just bitching about shit, you know. But I’m going to make those password protected because
She’s 1 of the handful of people, like, who I actually still have, you know, I can depend on for stuff when it really matters.
Yeah.
And that’s, uh,
You know, I mean, you know, we have a past And I tried to kill myself over. Over her. A lot of that was because of the way she treated me, And I just saw it all. I didn’t, I didn’t feel like life was worth living without her.
I didn’t I didn’t like, I didn’t think it would be worth living without any of that. And that’s another reason like it.
It hasn’t felt like it.
Oh has been yeah since the divorce that’s 1 thing. Like I just don’t care about myself for my own sake but that’s 1 of the things that the uh chick who Did my reading earlier? She was like, Hey, you know, Yeah, you do deserve, you know, stuff. And have faith in people and like, people help, it’s okay to accept help you get a lot of your like blessings and great things through people, you know.
Is that helped?
Yeah, that helped a lot but uh that’s probably I’m never going to drink alcohol and drive anywhere ever again. And uh, I’m just 1 of those stupid ass fucking people who has to learn shit.
The hard way, a lot of times not all the time, but
You know, I got a DUI in 2016. You, you would think, you know, That, uh, That would have, and that did actually for a long time stopped me. Like I didn’t even drink like after the divorce and stuff.
I didn’t even drink until I started working at the first car factory. And uh it was just it helped me like the fucking almost sometimes 2 hours drive home depending on traffic, you know. It would just be like yeah this is okay this is making it horrible.
And it’s not like I drank a lot, you know, it was just, Just enough to take the edge off, but then that got, you know, I got a tolerance up to that and then it just turned into a big huge problem in like 2023.
Because Brittany was also stalking the fucking hell out of me and I don’t know what the hell. Like, What kind of?
Bullshit. She thought she was doing and I don’t hate her either, you know, because I ran from her and I knew exactly why she was doing it but like I don’t think she realized why I was running away and a lot of that was because a she scared the living hell out of me. And it’s like, she’s just going to fucking destroy me, you know? And she did anyways but not like on the level that the divorce did but I saw, you know, I was afraid of that.
I was afraid of that happening again.
Because I liked her more than I ever liked anybody ever like ever. Ever in my life ever. Yeah. Oh my God. It was uh,
I would have loved her.
I’ll say, you know, you know, if I could love anybody like I loved my ex-wife, but I could have loved bringing like the I could have loved. Yeah. Brittany like that.
I wanted to love my ex fiance like that but that was, I don’t even know I call her that because, you know, I call her that. Yeah. Because We were just like, yeah, we’re going to get married, but like Seriously, you know, she was really just some crazy chick, I met off the internet. But I also thought she was my soulmate. I mean, it was wasn’t really just some crazy chick. I met off the internet. It was, uh, she was a very special person too, but I don’t think she has I don’t know, I don’t know what she thinks about me anymore. What I’m I am to her or ever was. You know. That whole thing defined the post divorce phase
But I don’t hate her either. Actually, I don’t hate. I don’t really hate anybody off off the top of my head you know, or not. Especially not people. I loved. Haha not even Hannah
But uh, it was a really cool to talk about that stuff because I was like, you know, and I do wonder when I can find somebody again, but like I also recognize that I still cry about my ex-wife, like that’s not
That’s just something that’s Has taken me.
A really, really long time to reconcile. Yeah. Like it made sense when it happened, but it it like at the same time that didn’t make it any easier, it didn’t make it hurt.
Hurt. Any less. Yeah. And then she just turned around and got remarried. You know, it was like, oh okay. Obviously I didn’t.
Didn’t mean, you know, mean is
As much, I knew, I didn’t though. And uh, of course I turn around the first thing I did after the divorce was Final, like legally and I waited until then, uh, was I found a girlfriend? Yep.
And that was a bad idea.
It was a terrible idea.
And I was so messed up and that chick. She was actually a really great person. Like I broke her heart. Yeah. Like that was, uh,
That was really awful.
You know, and I didn’t do that on purpose. I just I didn’t I was so screwed up. I was like the most screwed up person. And she, um, I actually I think I, I saw she got married recently but And she had just gotten divorced too. Like I remember her and I were like hanging out 1 day when her divorce papers came in the mail. Yeah, and I was like, oh gosh, you know, and it was only like like a month or so after I had gotten divorced. Yeah, it was really crazy. You know, it’s neither 1 of us really had any Any business being together, but I was stupid. And, you know, she, I guess she’d let me be stupid. I don’t know who it was. We didn’t know what we were doing.
She was the only the second woman I had ever been with, you know, I just I don’t have a lot of experience with relationships and dating and sex and all that crap. I just don’t like with different people, you know. I had 1.
That lasted for 18 years and all that went with that. It was all kinds of stuff all over the place, you know? But seriously, most of the time.
It was really great. Yeah, it was. That’s why it lasted so long.
My ex-wife is 1 of the most intelligent.
Creative, like Funny.
Beautiful people. In the universe. She is.
And that’s why it lasted for 18 years. That’s why I wanted to spend eternity with her
Ever and ever and ever.
And you know, I guess that’s 1 thing too. Is is uh
That’s okay that I loved her that much. That’s something I like today really just kind of started to realize. It’s like hey you know, it’s okay. That I did and it’s okay that it fucked me up that much and it’s okay that I’m still fucked up. I mean I can’t fix it until I’m okay with the the facts, you know? It’s like, hey, I have to
7:32 PM
But this is but this, you know, this is why
Um,
I’m so afraid to like.
Date again or anything. And because, you know,
I love so much and I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t know how to like casually, you know do shit like girl. Let’s just be like, you know how people uh Have or like, Friends with Benefits. I’ve never had that actually, that’s how it was started off. Uh, with this 1 chick and it turned into She went insane. Yeah. It was, uh, That was the 1. That was the last 1 before. Stephanie. Uh, I was single for a year and a half. I was like, what the hell am I doing? And that’s another reason why I don’t just Like get mixed up with people, especially from work.
Because I do love so much, and You know, I’m I’m really
I care so much, you know, and my ex-wife that’s all she ever knew either and she took it for granted. I think she got.
Some perspective on that herself, you know? But uh,
At the same time, it’s weird because I can’t I couldn’t imagine ever getting back with her, you know? That’s, that’s kind of the thing. That’s what’s so weird about it, but
I just sometimes I really wish somehow that.
That could have been different, and it could have lasted forever like You know, if her and I were still married, you know, I don’t think it would be a horrible thing, would it?
I don’t know, I just
I wish that could have been different, you know, I talked about like, how I wish things could have been different with Brittany or mostly. I think I talked about that but I wish things could have been different with my exwife. Like, I really do. I wish I would have
But because of her, though, I grew so much as a person She made me a better person. She made me a good person. And the kids and the dogs, you know, they made me that much better and I couldn’t have any of that without her couldn’t Done. I couldn’t have done anything. But, The fact that it ended. You know that?
Is something I’m still not over. Yeah. So, you know, it’s just it’s like gosh because we had so much together.
And great things. You know it wasn’t all just crap.
And, you know, for a long time too, I don’t know, a long time, I guess. But for a time there, when it was shitty, Her drinking and pill addiction was just so out of control. I was like, you know, it’ll just it’ll, it’s just like a bump in the road, it’ll get better. I figured you know, ten years, 5 years or something down the road, you know, it’s like, hey, you remember that time? We almost got divorced, you know, haha, those times we split up and got back together, you know? Yeah, that was funny. I’m glad we didn’t. You know, like like now like 7 years later, we would be looking back.
But uh, that didn’t happen. And Yeah, we actually did get divorced. And,
It’s just all that came flooding back this morning.
It really did. It was so hard.
And I, I cried at lunch, I was talking and this dude bought my lunch. So I told him I came straight there from uh, Getting my car, and he’s like, well, yeah you didn’t anything you have you. I was like no, he’s like, I’ll buy your lunch dude. And uh,
Yeah, he’s a pretty great guy, too. But I was talking about it like, talking about this stuff and How awesome. My ex wife was had been and Uh I had to like finish my food and go and then I just I go and sit on the line in this place. Like it’s all off to myself and I just cried and cried and cried
That’s uh,
Pretty much on and off all the whole rest of the day. And, um, I you know,
Choked up a bunch and cried a whole bunch talking about all this shit just know like, you know, however, long I’ve been talking
But yeah, it’s like that’s that’s why I’m so messed up.
I guess I stuffed a lot of it now, you know.
Stuffed a lot down And I just Kept a lot of it stuffed down because it hurt too much and hurt, isn’t like? That’s like that’s just, I don’t know what else to call it.
It’s like I can’t I can’t handle it. You know.
My emotions are too powerful. Like, when it comes to that kind of shit and uh, it’s just
I wish it could have been. Different, you know.
The most with her.
I mean, we practically we became adults together, you know, we were teenagers and Met. And She’s the first chick, I met who could actually carry on a conversation about cool things and interesting things. That I liked that she liked stuff, you know, we were
Energetically not as compatible as in like, you know, she was a couch potato. And I’m an adventurer.
And that was uh that juxtaposition was uh caused a lot of conflict. Because I have so much energy and a lot of my energy would get on her nerves and stress her out. And her energy, she just like to, you know, lay there and or sit there. She, she liked to watch TV and read. And be comfortable. That’s 1 reason why she knew so much shit cuz she read, she was very well read.
She’s an English teacher. You know, she’s super smart and She’s got a lot of practical sense too that I completely lack. You know, that was another thing. She was my ground. She’s the only reason I did anything normal or had anything like a normal life?
Yeah.
There’s no telling where I would have ended up or how or I can’t imagine my life if I had never either never met her or dumped her, you know like the first year we lived together was really hard because we were so energetically incompatible. But as far as like, you know, ethics and values and
Interests. You know, the abstract things we uh,
We have a lot of that like We both hated the same shit. She hated a lot more stuff than, uh, I did. Haha But I thought that was really funny.
And uh we both liked a lot of the same things too.
Well, that was a lot of stuff.
About her that I really, you know,
I really, uh, I like getting up in the mornings and Going out and getting their breakfasts. You know, just wherever
A lot of times, it was Chick-fil-A. Breakfast burrito.
Uh, or it was later, it was a. Is she like pickles? You know, she, she likes extra pickles on shit. She likes extra sauce, you know. Just all that crap. But
Just made me happy to do and I you know I I’m a slob. You know, I’ve got to clean my room up. Oh my God, my room is, this is about the messiest. It’s ever been. But um, That stressed her out. She’s not a slob.
But I don’t know, like Just,
All that just came flooding back. All just all of it. Everything, you know. I used to just pet the shit out of her that was my favorite thing to do.
And I never wanted anybody else.
I never really like seriously considered, you know, I mean, we were together a long time and
She was who I wanted to spend forever with.
And there’s only been 2 other chicks. I encountered, who made me feel the same way? And you know, it all turned into a bunch of shit, you know, to it’s like that’s 1 of the things that made me. Question a lot of crap after the whole twin flame thing. It’s like what the fuck is love? You know, what the hell. What even is this shit?
But yeah, that’s uh Yep, I’m gonna have to edit this. It’s just, I guess long story short. I still have a lot of, uh,
Fixing.
Left to do. Yeah. But, you know, I got to be nice to myself about it. My heart’s always in the right place.
Because I can’t live myself if it ever isn’t.
I don’t know. Hey, that’s uh, maybe that’s called Yeah, being a decent person.
Thank you, please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 