5:41 PM
Well, I overslept
Yeah, pretty bad about like 2 hours.
Yep.
Of course, I mean that’s about I get to work about 2 hours early, so,
I didn’t get a shower or anything though. I was like shit. It’s it was almost 5:30 when I Got up and got around.
But I am, I’m feeling kind of blah. Yeah, I was just thinking about How nice I’ve been to people who don’t deserve it. I was thinking about that, like, as I was I was, I woke up at like 12:30 And I fell back asleep about 1:30. And I was thinking about like the roommate who took me back and forth to work. How nice I’ve been to her and she’s been a total piece of shit to me a lot of the time
Really stupid.
It’s really stupid. Yeah. And I’m just like dang, you know, I have I’ve been so nice to her but she’s like the the that dude that lived there. The furry guy he was worse. Like he was probably the biggest piece of shit to me out of any of them and I just let him get away with it.
Wow, but you know, he sent me a spot me boost. And so does the uh the chick who took me back and forth to work. It’s just so weird. It’s like it’s like they, they’re assholes. But they do just like they do little things. I guess. Like nice things. I, I don’t know. I know a few people like that they’re total fucking assholes.
Self-serving self-centered fucking assholes. But they’ll do little things here and there that are nice. You know, it’s it’s kind of weird.
I can’t believe I overslept. Yeah, I’m going to be rolling into work with the Churmps
I think about how uh how much I miss my kids and how things used to be. And then like, you know, I just the last Well, actually the last bunch of times. I have gotten the kids, you know, and stuff. They act like You know, I’m just their lame ass dad. That’s how you know, I like have my guitar in the lobby of the hotel room or something, we stay in hotel rooms a lot and I’ll start playing or something, they’ll get all like, weird about it and embarrassed. And, Just like that sucks. Yo, you know, like
I’m not going to be around forever.
I don’t want to be. I used to think and there was this thing I remember listening to I think it was a uh, oh I can’t remember what it was called.
Maybe it was This American Life. It was something on NPR. Um, 1 of those little segment shows. And uh that was the guy. They were interviewing him, he had written a book or something, they were talking about having a do over. That’s what they were calling. Like if you can have a do over, you know, with your life, anything, you know, what would you do over? And, uh, this 1 guy was talking about how somehow they got into. I don’t, this was 15 years ago. Yeah. When I was listening to it, Hey, it might have been like, you know, 10 or 12 years ago, I don’t really remember. Honestly, it was like 2013 or 14 when I was listening to it.
And uh maybe 2015 right oh yeah it was 1 of some of the 1 of those years and uh this guy was talking about how they were interviewing this dude.
And he was talking about how like, when he was in like you know, in His early 40s like late 30s, early, 40s. He wanted every second. He could get, you know, every fucking like all the time in the world, he wanted it, you know, he wanted to live, he wanted everything all of life like all the time. Every second
You know, and then when he got about 50, You know, he was like, no. You know, let’s let somebody else have, you know, like like life’s, he was using a metaphor like it was a party. He was like, you know, let somebody else have a go at the spinach dip. You know, it’s like yeah, it’s like the perspective on life, from like 40 to 50 for him. Anyways, Was like that. And, you know, at the time I was in my mid-30s early mid-30s or something. And I I felt the same way I was like, yeah, every second, I, I don’t know. I thought, dang, you know what, a perspective to have to to think life is uh, you know, just like whatever. You know, you can have it but that’s how I feel right now. At 45 years old, I’m just like, yeah, I get that. I get it now. It’s like yeah. Let Somebody else because I feel like I’ve done my life. Like my life.
I got married and I had kids and then it was over. Uh, and it really sucks. It’s like if I had a do over, you know, what would I do over? And well, you know, I’m I’m not saying I’d go back and not never have the kids or anything, but maybe if I could have had the kids with somebody else that I would still be married to who wasn’t, you know, and she is, she’s really awesome to me now. You know, now emphasis on the word now and awesome to me as in like, you know, like
Like I mean she’s okay you know instead of like actively fucking being a crazy bitch to me. It, it took some stuff like, uh, Gosh. You know she doesn’t read my blog anymore one time I was over there and yeah, 1 time I was over like visiting the kids and I’d left my car running because I didn’t think I would be there that long and I ended up being there for like 30 minutes. Or something or longer really? And she gets into my car and goes through my fucking car.
Yeah, it was weird. I smelled her. That’s how I knew somebody had been in my car. I smelled her leather jacket and cigarettes cuz that’s how Uh, You know that she she quit smoking now, but then she still smoked
I mean weird crazy shit. That’s how my ex-wife treated me for a long. And then, uh, you know, she’s actually been treating me like a person in the last couple of years.
But up until then She hadn’t. Yeah.
Uh, but I was just like, you know, I didn’t have to marry this bitch.
Really and why I’m so screwed up, is because of her because of how she treated me and how much I loved her and it was just I wasted it was just wasted You know, like,
I mean, I’m so miserable right now. That I don’t care if I live or die. And that’s how I feel. It’s like, you know, if something takes me out. That’s okay. You know, I did I lived my life. I think the best thing I ever accomplished is the kids You know, my music and stuff, that stuff’s fun. It, it keeps me, you know, distracted or something. Sometimes? I don’t know how to call it, but I don’t feel like it’s that great. I don’t feel like anything else I’ve done, is that great or special, but the kids really are They are really very special.
Awesome, fucking people.
Way better than me. But it’s because I’m also just you know, they’re better than me also because I’m so screwed up. I’m just I’m really just a big fuck up and this blog also just distracts me from that. You know, I can’t relate to anybody. I don’t have anything in common with anybody, like around, like at a job or anything. I feel so alienated. And and stuff like Brittany happens.
You know, she she’s a total piece of crap. I don’t know why I ever entertain anything and, you know, about her in a positive way.
But my life’s a pollitt, shit. It really is. It’s a pile of shit. I don’t know why it would pick that word up that way.
It is, it’s really stupid.
You know, the the whole world like narrative right now, not just my life, it’s fucking dumb as shit.
And I don’t understand. You know.
Like, Like, I thought it was really stupid, you know, the first year or 2 after the divorce.
Uh but the last couple of years and it’ll get better and then it’ll something will just it, I don’t know. I just don’t feel that great about my self. You know, I’m just Existing.
And uh, I am really tired of being here. And it’s just, you know, it’s everything. You know, maybe that’ll change or something, but I just don’t see that happening.
But hey at least I’ve still got money. I don’t I usually don’t have money like
Right now.
At this point like you know, middle of the week after I get Paid like the second the weekend but between cuz I get paid every 2 weeks. Yeah, the week between my paychecks, I’m usually like struggling, you know with like stuff. And I usually have to borrow 20 or 40 million going to have to, it’s great. I’m probably not going to have to.
I don’t know and this app picks up things. It’s still remarkable that it even works as well as it does. I don’t know why I complain, you know, I just feel blah, you know? And that was kind of the thing too. When I first moved up here and I had roommates, I thought, you know, maybe I had finally met some really cool new people. That could be my friends. And they’re not, they suck. It it really, it’s really weird. It. It’s like these people suck really bad.
You know, the boss lady roommate’s, okay, but she’s just okay. You know, And I did I put her up on a giant pedestal when I first, you know, the first few months that I lived up here, actually, for about the first year, it wasn’t until the fucking. You know, I painted that room for her and you know, she got it for a super discounted price.
She got a 1500 job. For 2. 150. And,
-
- I don’t know why. It doesn’t pick up money. Amounts correctly ever on this app. But um,
I’ll have to edit that in, a 1500$ job for 250$ I don’t know, but she just, you know, and then she actually was a bitch about the chores which I had put off because I was painted that stupid room in my spare time
All that stuff is just lost you know, totally lost on her and and that’s when I realized that. You know she really was just okay. She wasn’t like The best person I had met in the last 10 years. I was just in a really crappy place. I was homeless.
You know, when I moved in there, I was just so grateful
But you know, that’s not going to last forever cuz in about a month, I’ll get my bonus and I’ll be able to move out.
Well, anyways, I don’t know. I’m just blah.
That’s what I am right now. Going to work doing blah.
Over and over and over, and over, and over. And I should be happy though. I was like, I don’t know. I’m really I really am grateful that I have this job.
Because I get paid a lot of money. A lot more money than I’ve made post divorce. At any place on a regular basis. And so you know, I can’t complain about that. I just
5:56 PM
You know.
Dang, I I don’t know if I’m even going to have time to edit this whole thing.(omg i did!) Whatever. Right? Haha. Thank you, please.
MY BLOG NUMBER SEVEN 