SUNDAY

8:08 PM
Hello.

Yep, I am just hanging out in my room, it’s Sunday night. So

And I have to work in the morning.

Yeah, I’m just laying here spacing out. I don’t know.

I went to sleep last night. It was about Fucking a little after midnight, I think. And I woke up at 4:30 a.m.

And I was like, well I’m up so I hope I was trying to stay up all day but I couldn’t and around 9:30. I was like, I’m going to take a nap and

Blink.

The next thing I knew it was fucking 5:00, so, yeah.

5:00 p.m. and there went my whole day and here I am.

I’m tired. But I’m not sleepy and it’s kind of stupid.

I really have to finish painting the room. Next door to my room that I’ve been working on for A week

Yeah.

If I don’t finish it today, I’ll finish it tomorrow or something. It’s just blah. I’m so tired. And

I don’t really feel like doing anything right now.

I need to clean my room. Just laying next to this big pile of clothes, and

Wrappers. And Fucking. Stuff. Bottles Empty bottles. Yeah.

I was poking around Instagram from 1 of my alternate accounts earlier and Looked at Brittany’s for some reason. And I was like she posted a story about littering and I just thought, you know, She’s she said she does a lot of illegal shit but she draws the line at littering and I thought, yeah, she does. I just thought like why did I let her get away with anything, you know, that was really fucked up. And, I exist and she exists and

I don’t know who she thinks she is, you know?

I just think she’s really stupid and she probably deserves to be in prison.

I don’t know what else to say, like, you know, sometimes because she is at 1 time, all right, she was the biggest crush I ever had at 1 time. Yeah, I got over that I’ve gotten over that.

But she’s still stalks my crap. And she still unblocks and blocks me on Facebook all the fucking time. Well, a couple times a year, you know, and I don’t know what.

She hopes to accomplish. You know, I have seen her on 431, at least a dozen times in the last couple of years.

I guess I’m just not a mean person. When people do fucking crappy things to me I just I’m like, okay well you’re a piece of crap and That’s usually all.

That the only consequences they get out of it.

I’m way too nice.

But on the other hand, it’s like, When I’m not depressed as fuck.

You know.

I can say that I’ve been given like these abilities and talents and things that not a lot of people have. But,

You know, sometimes I just feel like I passed all that to my kids and that’s great. And

And I just don’t feel like

Any of that matters anymore? Yeah, 20 years ago you know it seemed like I had a promising future. And it was for a while and then I got divorced and I’ve talked all about this. That’s all I can ever talk about.

But these days, you know, I’m just sad and crazy.

I worked on music last night, though. I did. Work on music last night. And that was great.

I recorded a song for my concept album.

Probably the stupidest bunch of music I’ve ever.

That ever popped in my head. Yeah, I don’t know where this shit comes from. Haha Sometimes it’s like, Wow.

But it’s funny. So

So, yeah, but it is, it is been a real struggle this year.

It’s also a 7-month which is almost over, but

I’ve been thinking a lot about, Stuff. Uh, from an introspective level this month, I guess. Next is an eighth. An 8 an 8 month. Yeah. I’m I’m supposed to have Oh, I have a lot of PTO coming up

And Memorial Day and uh, I get my bonus and my daughter’s birthday. And, So I should be next month. Ought to be. All right?

I don’t know, I just I guess I let Brittany. Yeah, get away with all that crap.

I guess I kind of held out for the possibly that maybe we would end up together or something because it was a really crazy thing. It sounds stupid to talk about it but You know, when all that was happening, 3 years ago and we worked together at the Honda plant, I mean, it was It was total insanity and she would stare at me like, Oh my god, I’ve never had. There’s a chick where I work now, who stares at me like that? It’s yeah, the super cute girl. And it’s a little scary, it really is and I don’t know why, you know, cuz here I am just

You know, I don’t feel like I’m that great like, why me why do you like me so much? I’m just a fucking divorced. Middle-aged dad. You know, I’m an artist and a musician and shit but I’m so fucking screwed up and my life is such a mess. It’s worse. Like Like where I live, my living situation, everything is better than it’s ever been. But like, you know, financially and all that. Which I was on my way up to working that back. How do I put that? I was on my way back up. Yeah, I was fixing all that shit before I had that nervous breakdown. Then it all got ruined. And it’s just remarkable to me. It’s I don’t I don’t know how anybody

Especially chicks half, my age would be interested in me at all. It’s like, there’s a whole world of other people like what the fuck?

And that always takes me off of a word, you know? Off of what it always takes me off guard. It’s like what the fuck. And like I’ll look at a chick at work and I’ll be like, dang she’s cute and then like she looks back. It’s like you’re not supposed to look back. You know, I was just, I don’t know, like, what the fuck? And it is, it it causes me a lot of stress. Uh, to the point where I just completely cut myself off from people for the most part at work, and I keep to myself and I never go in the cafeterias anymore. I just I can’t handle like social things. And that’s another thing that’s like, Like socially, I’m so screwed up. Uh last night, you know, there was a whole party going on downstairs and I just I did not I didn’t go downstairs. Not 1 time. Yeah, it was kind of funny. I stayed up here In my room, I was just like, yeah.

I don’t know. And and, and what really is weird is like

They’re mean to me, like, like Brittany and like the chicks from work and stuff. If I don’t talk to them, or if I freak out and run away, it pisses them off.

I guess I haven’t talked about like when I worked at the car seat Factory. Uh that was this chick her and her fiance were having a baby shower and it was also her birthday party at work. It was 1 of those workplaces that, you know, they did stuff for your birthday. And uh I was talking to this 1 chick about how I make cards and all she was like you need to make her a birthday card you know. Make her a card. It’s like well what’s her favorite colors? And uh red and black. And I made her a really funny card and it was red and black and it had chickens and they popped up and They just said, yay, you know, it was like happy, you know, birthday and this chick

It caused a lot of drama just me giving her that card making that card and giving it to her. It took me like an hour to make it. It was just it was silly, it wasn’t anything and It caused a lot of drama like her fiance dude. Wouldn’t even look at me for like a month and she kept like oh my gosh, she kept staring at me, like she thought we were just going to get together. She was this 7-month pregnant chick, you know.

It was like, well, that’s the last time. I am ever making a fucking card for a coworker.

You know. God.

I don’t understand it.

But I also don’t, I don’t have any idea, like, how I come off to people. I’m just so.

Detached. Yeah. I want to post a picture of those cards that card I made, but I made all kind of shit for Brittany. You know, I was like trying to so hard to to stuff down all my fear and uh it was the scariest thing ever to talk to her and I finally started doing it but she had fucked with my head so bad. The I had a nervous breakdown, I don’t know. And uh it’s so stupid because she couldn’t because she read my blog and it’s like maybe I should be nice to this guy but no. Nope. No, she ruined my life. Just like my fiance did and my ex-wife and they’re mean to me. It’s so fucked up. And it makes me. Not want to interact with anything. I’ve, I’ve just I’m so sensitive. And I get hurt.

Really easily. And I’ve always been like that You know, it’s not just uh, you know since the the last 2 years I was married but that was what that’s 1 reason. Why it messed me up so bad. And I still sometimes cry over my ex-wife. So, there’s that too, you know, it’s just God, I’m such a mess and

I don’t really. Think there’s any fixing myself? You know, it’s just I’m just, I’m working and living and you know, I live for the weekends,

The weekends. I get my kids. Yeah, I live for that and that’s it. You know, when In the meantime I try and keep myself from Getting too sad or Too crazy or something. You know I work on music and art or I sleep or I make blog posts, this this will this takes up a couple of hours usually Usually an hour hour and a half, to make a blog post sometimes 2. I’m over, complicating it the But um yeah it’s just it’s like, yeah, my life.

And I do, I still I feel like you know I had my life and now it’s just like the after

Uh, how do I word that? It’s like

You know, I have like this is just

It’s kind of an existing now, you know, just, you know, waiting for the end. I did it. And I did, I had a big Crazy Life. It was uh, wasn’t perfect, but it was, it was really great and I’m just, I haven’t

I’m just not the same person. Not in the same way, you know, I’ve still got, there’s just that’s just, a human life can only do so much.

That’s pretty much it. Yeah. My gosh, I feel like I repeat myself so much in this. I still that’s 1 of the reasons why I took it off of my Facebook and Instagram. It’s like you know, I don’t really want. Anybody from work or my personal life, like my roommates to read this shit even though they can probably hear me talking outside of my room. It’s like, yeah. It’s just funny.

You know, I try to I do my best, but you know, I can’t really see myself living, past like 50.

8:27 PM
I don’t know. I don’t really see. You know, 3 or 4 years, you know? Like I couldn’t imagine being here another 10 years. You know why? Yeah. Anyways, um, it’s not like sad or anything. It’s just the way it is.

I’m tired.

Really, really tired.

Thank you, please.