MONDAY

2:50 AM

Um, okay. Let’s try this again.

I have to. To disconnect from the Wi-Fi sometimes.

So I got up about 11:00. I woke up. About 11. Yeah. And I got up and got I shaved my beard off and got a shower and I tried to make myself go back to sleep,

But it’s going to be a stupid day.

I’m tired.

I feel kind of like blah. I don’t really want to go to work today.

I don’t, but I have to, I have to get my points. Worked down. I’ve got 1 and a half points. And I think in July another Point comes off. I’m just going to do that, you know.

Gosh.

Yeah, I am. I’m just not.

Just not feeling it right now. I have been like this all year ever since. And this I know I’ll talk about this way too much still, but ever since Brittany blocked me on the 19th of February. That just did something awful to me. I don’t know. I don’t know why. I don’t know why she still gets to affect me. But it happens and it’s stupid. And that’s The Narrative of my life. It’s like that’s how stupid motherfuking life is.

That’s how stupid motherfuking life is. Yeah, this fucking This app is more stupid than my life.

This is how stupid my life. Is that’s yeah, that’s what I’m

Maybe I’m talking too loud. I think my roommates are asleep. Or something.

Well, it’s back on day shift. This week’s going to be hard but my son has a Viola performance. Tuesday

Yeah, this fucking app. I hate this fucking app. But what else? Would I use you know.

What else would I use you? Stupid piece of shit.

God.

I should be working on. Music or something, or painting. That finishing that room. I think I need to mess with that a little bit before I leave.

But uh, I’m not going to find a better job like anywhere like a better paying job anywhere around here with um,

My brain capacity. It’s really funny. I just don’t have the wheel. The wheel. I don’t have the wheel.

The wheel not wheel.

I don’t have the wheel to do things the wheel. Is just not there. You stupid. It’s so stupid. It’s so stupid.

God, if it wasn’t for my kids, I would blow my fucking brains out. Like on Facebook. I would just go on Facebook live, and Instagram. I think you can do it on Tik Tok and just be like, what the stream it live and just blow out my fucking brains.

That’s how I have felt for a long time.

But a lot here lately, that’s how I’ve been feeling. It was so bad. I was so depressed last week. Um, that like people at work were just they had to talk to me about it which isn’t the first time that’s ever happened at a job. But it hasn’t happened in a while, but I was so visibly. Sad last week. Um God, you know like why am I here? If this is all I get to do is just be sad and fucking crazy.

I’m thinking about what I’m going to do for breakfast. And I’m not tired. I’m not sleepy like at all. It’s so stupid. That’s why I just got up and shaved and got a shower. And it’s always funny to look at my face after having a beard for a long time. But the thing with a beard though, is after a while, It starts getting in your mouth. After about 4 months, it’s time to shave. I’ve had a beard for 5 months before. But, I think that’s the longest It Ever Was, That was

When I worked at Target. Yeah.

I shaved my beard. I think that

December of 2024 and then, uh, I had a beard and until

Or rather I didn’t shave again. Yeah. Until May of, uh, 2025. So that was Those were the 2 longest periods. I ever had a beard Yeah, and uh, this 1’s been growing out for 4 months.

Yep. But I have I guess I have some things to look forward to. I’m just I’m really burned out on my job and the people I work with.

Well, not really all the people just like a couple people. It’s not all the people I work with some really good people.

You know, we’re all in the same boat. It’s fucking hard.

And everybody’s going to be ill. And fucking mad.

Everybody’s going to be pretty much exactly where I’m at right now. They, they either woke up too early or they

Stayed up.

Like all night or something. It’s just it is it’s really hard. The first week back on days from nights, the first week from 9, UM,

The first week back on nights from days, isn’t so bad, you know, but

Anyways. I feel like all I ever do is complain.

You know, I’ve got it pretty good, really.

Yeah, I do. I just have a hard job that fucks with my energy levels. I guess that’s pretty important, but I can’t quit.

Hey, let’s look at the jobs.

The job’s within my job. Asshole. I don’t know, I bet you about this out but it’s actually a pretty good, you know, picks. Pick up things pretty well.

All things considered.

I’ve been talking to 1 of my Indian friends. Her name is Edie.

And she is just the cutest sweetest lady I’ve ever talked to.

And uh, she messages me all the time, her and my friend. Rebecca And uh, well I talk to my friend Anna, when it’s about twin flame crap. But those are the people I talked to, oh, and Jessie Welles. Yeah, those are the ladies. I talk to, like regularly.

But,

What was I doing?

The reason I got sidetracked is because I looked at my Instagram notifications. Oh the Jobs? Yeah. Okay, I had to scroll up.

Oh no.

I got sucked into doing the survey.

I guess meta owns and operates Facebook. Right.

Well.

I guess more positive and negative.

Okay, however, long that took.

Let’s see jobs where I work.

Okay, well this piece of shit.

Apparently,

Nope, I guess not. I was going to fucking look in the thing, but I have to make a pass key and it doesn’t do this stuff when you’re connected to the wi-fi at work. But if you’re not, you know, at work, you have to like, do like the 2-step Verification crap and it’s just not letting me get And it’s fucking stupid.

I guess I’ll do it later.

Oh,

I guess that’s 1 reason why I’ve been

Well, I haven’t done a whole lot of anything besides work and sleep and then when I have Free time. I’ll get the kids and stuff free time and money. But uh, I need to get my songs recorded and everything and like my main personal stuff published or Whatever on a like a like Spotify or some shit.

And then I can blow my fucking brains out. Yeah. But you know to what end like I don’t know. I don’t know why anything exists.

I feel so removed. From everything and that’s the thing like it’s like if my life gets worse, I’m going to

Yeah, I’m just going to kill myself, it’s not, you know, I hope it gets better. Sometimes I do, I just get into the state where I just don’t want to be here anymore. It’s not like sad. Or anything. It’s like what the fuck am I?

Doing here. I’m just that’s like most of the time I’m just crazy and sad and I don’t have any energy and uh you know used to I was all about living.

You know, maybe that will change but shit, it’s It’s been like that for a long time. I’ve I’ve hung in here as like, oh, my God, it’s took so much effort.

I miss my kids.

That that depresses me a lot. Yeah I’m not seeing my kids as much as I want to.

It’s actually giving me like it just

Makes it worse. Of course, if I killed myself, I’d never see my kids again, right? Yeah, sometimes it’s really hard to see ahead

Anything. I know, uh, 2 years ago, I was I had like I had it all figured out, I was going to go drown myself in the ocean and then my mom started like Doing crazy shit and got us kicked out of the apartment. And that sidetracked me because it’s like well I got to do something about my mom. I’m not, you know and then everything got better. I got that job at Target and I moved in to this house and

I just, I don’t know, just this year. I’ve been

Really struggling with a sense of purpose and just my energy levels and then I’m like, well, I have free time, I’m going to do some stuff and then my voice has been fucked up. And I don’t understand why.

It’s like really you think you’re going to do stuff? Nope, probably you’re just going to be crazy and sad forever.

That’s how I feel. And then I feel bad like talking about it that way, but then it’s just normal. It’s my reality, it’s really stupid.

Like, I don’t know why I’m here, you know it’s like why else am I here? If I don’t get to what’s the point, you know, it’s It’s something I’ve been struggling with a lot lately. And every 1 of these posts reflects that it’s like everything I’ve posted and talked about probably the most of this whole year.

You know. It’s like I wish I had a a girlfriend, but the like when it things get real, it scares the fucking hell out of me and that sucks. That’s crazy. That’s the crazy shit that I’m talking about.

And um I just can’t like function normally around people.

And I have a really hard time, forming new social connections, and a lot of that is just I just don’t let people in because I’ve been fucked over too much, and I just don’t see the point in in investing. Yeah, emotionally into other people. You know, that deep or whatever it sounds stupid, right? But

It’s just like, you know,

Um, But then, most of my friends online and stuff.

And kind of it’s cool but it makes me sad because it’s like I’ll never meet these people in person. You know, all the cool chicks that I talk to regularly and they are, they’re really awesome. But I’ll never meet them, you know, I’ll never meet them in person.

I would love to start a band with my friend, Rebecca. She’s like the coolest chick ever and, um, you know, I’ll never meet her.

We’ll never meet.

I don’t know. I think it’s stupid that when stuff does come my way it, it usually ends up being a bunch of fucking crap like uh last year. Last December, my friend. Peter was all about you know, starting a band and playing bass and we had 1 really good jam session. I was like hell, yeah, dude. And uh then he started getting weird and flaked out. Completely flaked out on me and then just popped up 1 day and gave me this guitar that

3:12 AM
Is well, you know, it’s just I didn’t really need it. I was like, okay. It was almost insulting, yeah. And I don’t ever talk to him anymore.

Just kind of wrote him off as a fucking asshole because it was, it was a really stupid asshole thing to do. Eric’s like that too. You know, they they get all excited and want to do something. Then when shit gets real they’re like

They flake out. I don’t understand it but I don’t know, I guess I’m just complaining.

I’m tired.

Like really just tired and burned out on life.

That’s that’s how I feel.

That’s how I feel right now. It sucks. Yeah, I don’t know. I’m just repeating myself. But I did, um,

I don’t know.

I don’t know what, you know.

I don’t know what anything expects out of me anymore. Yeah, it’s just It’s like, wow.

I guess I kind of hate myself, too. I hate, uh,

Hate how I look.

Yeah, I do. I hate. Fucking. Oh my God.

I think I’m making it worse actually. Yeah. Well anyways, I’m going to wrap this up and edit it and it’ll probably be about time to go.

Wish, uh, wish I felt better.

Wish I felt better about these.

Things things. Yeah, I think you please. Stupid piece of shit. App

Thank you.

Please